Friday, June 15, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


The Inspector General has condemned the FBI over its investigation of Hillary Clinton’s e-mails. Mostly because the end result was the election of Donald Trump.

A “psychic” Russian cat successfully predicted the winner of the opening game of the World Cup. The sad part is that compared to the game, it was a lot more exciting watching the cat play afterwards with a ball of yarn.

The British NHS says it is “picking up the pieces” of mental illness episodes among children fueled by social media. As compared to the usual causes of video games, TV news, iPhones, the Internet…

The British NHS says it is “picking up the pieces” of mental illness episodes among children fueled by social media. As opposed to being constantly depressed in a country where the sun shines an average of three days a year.

“Fox & Friends” cohost Pete Hegseth is being sued by a man injured in an axe-throwing stunt. Which means Hegseth will probably be learning a whole new meaning of “getting the axe.”

China’s latest craze is robot companions for children. Apparently it is just so hard for kids staring at an iPhone all day to actually try to interact with a human.

China’s latest craze is robot companions for children. You would think in a country with 1.4 Billion people they could find another person to have as a friend.

Congress is moving to ban child sex robots that are favored by pedophiles. Apparently they would rather just keep having them use real children.

California will vote on a proposed three way split of the state in November. Apparently one state will get the ocean, another the mountains and the third all the undocumented immigrants.

A study says narcissists have thicker, denser and more distinct eyebrows. Which on closer inspection explains why Donald Trump’s comb over actually originates from  just above his eye sockets.

A study says life is so stressful that people now need 8,5 hours of sleep a night. Which just means they can now brag about coming up three and a half hours short of the sleep they need every day.

A study says religious people live an average of four years longer than atheists. Which is ironic because those are the people who are always so eager to get an early start on the afterlife.

A report says the outlook for U.S. newspapers is even more grim with both print and digital readership down. It’s getting so bad that USA Today had a pie chart showing 98% of the area representing people who will not be reading this.

A report says Latino population growth in southwestern Kansas is causing youths to develop a new accent. Before that, no one had ever even heard of the “Baja drawl.”

Scientists say only 100 nuclear bombs are needed to cause a global catastrophe. Although people know that just one landing on your block can really ruin your day.

Scientists say only 100 nuclear bombs are needed to cause a global catastrophe. Which upset people in the Department of Defense who realize they could have saved a ton of money by not buying those last 6,700 nuclear warheads.

New York has filed a civil suit against Donald Trump, claiming he has misused his charity for “self-dealing.” Mostly because Trump claims it is a religious charity, which means it is there mainly to benefit Donald Trump.

A politician accused of peeping around a North Dakota State University women’s dorm has dropped out of his race. Apparently he was trying to get a glimpse of the women on the one day warm enough that they weren’t wearing flannel and wool.

Donald Trump’s pick for ambassador to North Korea says they are still a nuclear threat while Trump says they are no longer a threat. Glad they got that all straightened out.

Donald Trump’s pick for ambassador to North Korea says they are still a nuclear threat while Trump says they are no longer a threat. Which means Trump will be spending the rest of the week picking a new ambassador to North Korea.

Target has pulled a Father’s Day “Baby Daddy” card from shelves. That’s almost as bad as their other Father’s Day card saying “Who’s Your Daddy?”

The Inspector General’s report says James Comey hurt the FBI’s reputation. Which couldn’t have come at a worse time, right after the agency was finally getting past that whole J. Edgar Hoover women’s cross-dressing thing.

Vladimir Putin has rejected a lawmaker’s plea for Russian women to avoid having sex with foreigners during the World Cup. For one thing, it’s no fun when they are restricted from using their hands.

Vladimir Putin has rejected a lawmaker’s plea for Russian women to avoid having sex with foreigners during the World Cup. Especially the part where in the moment of passion the men take 30 seconds to yell “Gooooaaaaalllll!”

The CEO of Booz Allen says the U.S. has only a small advantage over China when it comes to Artificial Intelligence. To which those disagreeing are saying Booz Allen must be drinking.

A Bay Area man must pay $136,000 over a tech scam targeting the elderly. Apparently it was all about a promise to help them hook up AOL with the latest dial-up service.

A Bay Area man must pay $136,000 over a tech scam targeting the elderly. It had something to do with getting their VCR to finally stop flashing “12:00.”

A report says James Comey broke FBI procedures during the Hillary Clinton e-mail probe. It must have been really bad that Comey was fired while nothing has happened to that dancing agent who shot someone in a bar while doing a backflip.

A report says water clarity at Lake Tahoe is at an all-time low. Apparently the water is becoming murky from bodies being brought in from Las Vegas to be dumped as the water levels in Lake Mead are still too low.

A startup is offering Lyft and Uber passengers insurance for medical, death and dismemberment. Or they can just try to avoid arguing with the drivers over the fare.

A startup is offering Lyft and Uber passengers insurance for medical, death and dismemberment. Although there is still nothing available to compensate for being seen driven all over town in a Prius.

A study says Millennials are the best financial planners in America as a generation group. Of course, it’s easy to save money when you have no car, no love life and live rent-free in your parents’ basement.

A study says Millennials are the best financial planners in America as a generation group. Mostly because it’s easy to plan financially when your total income is from fares and tips driving for Uber.

Twitter has announced personalized news alerts ahead of the World Cup. It’s just a good thing they now have the 280 character format needed to write “Goooaaaallll,,,!”

A survey says fewer U.S. teens are smoking cigarettes, having sex and drinking milk. Which only proves that giving up cigarettes and milk doesn’t do anything to help with your sex life.

A study says one in four Americans suffer from “acute” insomnia. Mostly the ones who can’t sleep because they are afraid their wives will see what their girlfriends are texting them in the middle of the night.

A study says when given a platter of pretzels, cheese and doughnuts, most people will pick the doughnuts because their brains crave the combination of fat and carbs. But mostly because they are doughnuts.  

Gisele Bundchen says she remembers Tom Brady’s romantic proposal with candlelight and rose petals. It wasn’t until halfway through she realized he was asking for the hand in marriage of Tom Brady.

Former Florida basketball player Simone Westbrook was granted a rare seventh year of college eligibility. Which is still three years short of what most college athletes need to finish their degree.

New Jersey has begun taking legal sports bets. Which one of the wagers puts it at 5 to 1 that legalized gambling will result in 40% fewer bodies in the East River.

Cincinnati rookie quarterback Logan Woodside was arrested for DUI. Or as that is known with the Bengals, on the job training.

British golf pro Scott Gregory shot a 92 in the first round of the U.S. Open, the worst round in 16 years. What’s worse is teeing off today knowing he needs to shoot 15 under par to have a chance at making the cut.

British golf pro Scott Gregory shot a 92 in the first round of the U.S. Open, the worst round in 16 years. His card had so many large numbers he was worried less about running out of golf balls than he was pencils.

A report says the Warriors have gone through $900,000 in Champagne since sweeping the Cavaliers. Remember the old days when the only expense of a championship was $3.50 in Gatorade being dumped on the coach?

The White House says Donald Trump showed “courtesy” in saluting a North Korean general. Which is unusual for Trump whose only previous show of courtesy was letting a faster group play through on the golf course.

The Inspector General says James Comey used a personal e-mail account for FBI business. To which Hillary Clinton is now saying “Lock him up!”

An aide to Donald Trump says the White House is “exploring” a meeting between Trump and Vladimir Putin. Otherwise known as the first strategy meeting for the upcoming 2018 elections.

Sarah Sanders is dismissing reports she is leaving the White House, saying “I love my job.” Which means she may be taking a job scheduling cable TV service, working for public relations for United Airlines or going behind the counter at the DMV.

The White House says it will not comment on Rudy Giuliani’s love life. To which people all around the world are saying “Thank you!”

Tesla says its vehicles will warn people to keep their hands on the wheel even if Autopilot is activated. To which drivers are asking how are they expected to do that and continue to eat, text and flip off other drivers?

A new app warns people of the likelihood of shark sightings at a beach. Which are still much better than the odds of a shark sighting in the forest.

Experts say with so many countries involved in space exploration, it is time to consider an international space language. To which every geek on the planet is saying, “Duh…already have Klingon!”

Bill Cosby has fired his entire legal team. Although after being found guilty at his trial, isn’t it a little bit late now?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you like the jokes, because if you don’t there isn’t much reason to be here. Although believe it or now, there are some people who log in just to see what I am saying about them. To those people, you are a douchebag. But everyone else here is super cool. And the way to stay cool in my view is of course to remember to always keep on sending the love!


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