Thursday, June 14, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


The U.S., Canada and Mexico will host the 2026 World Cup. The only problem will be people watching events in the U.S. who can’t get to Mexico through the border wall and are banned from Canada because of the trade war.

A Russian MP is warning women there against having sex with foreigners during the World Cup. Which shouldn’t be too much of a problem for men who have a problem having sex with someone who has a lower voice than they do.

An L.A. mansion is selling for a whopping $135 Million. Which is good to know that for 1% of that you can still get a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

Donald Trump is under pressure to be interviewed by Robert Mueller following the North Korea summit. Although the only way Trump will ever be interviewed by Mueller is if he is hired as an anchor with Fox News.

A report says politicians are fearing for their safety as threats against Congress have been skyrocketing. Which is not that big of a deal as it’s not like any members of Congress are ever in Washington, D.C.

A Trump team is reportedly pushing for a peace plan in the Middle East. Which apparently amounts to “You give us all your oil, and we won’t start a war with you.”

A report says Detroit is the worst city to live in the U.S. Flint, Michigan came in second place which caused them to come up with a new motto, “It’s the water!”

A report says Detroit is the worst city to live in the U.S. St. Louis came in third, to which city officials said “And we’re not even in Michigan!”

A study says one in three Americans are taking medications with depression as a side effect. Mostly from being sad about having to take 15 pills a day to combat all their other illnesses.

The CEO of the New York Times says Facebook’s fake news algorithm will “damage” democracy. Although not as much as people who are addicted to staring at their Facebook page 16 hours a day.

The CEO of the New York Times says Facebook’s fake news algorithm will “damage” democracy. Which really doesn’t apply to a country that just under two years ago freely elected Donald Trump as President.

Nevada’s most famous pimp won the GOP primary for state legislature. Which is only fitting since he has already qualified for the position with on the job training.

Tim Burton has revealed he will do a live remake of “Dumbo.” The only problem is marketing the film so people don’t think it’s a documentary about the Trump Administration.

Newly published travel diaries of Albert Einstein reveal he used negative racial generalizations. To which people are saying “Nice going, Einstein.”

Spain’s new culture minister resigned over a tax scandal, serving less than a week in office. To which even Anthony Scaramucci is saying, “What was that guy thinking?”

A California lawyer is asking a judge to seize Stormy Daniels’ crowdfunding cash for her legal fees. The worst part is having to count out all the bills donated as singles.

A power outage at the Las Vegas airport caused delays this week. Mostly from people who wouldn’t get on their flights until the airport slots were back up and running so they could get rid of whatever cash they had left.

The co-founder of Guess resigned over allegations of improper conduct. Nothing specific was mentioned, so as for what happened people will just have to Guess.

A California man was arrested after sending his ex-girlfriend 4,000 texts after she broke up with him. Which you would think he would have given up after no reply to 4,000 messages saying “U there?”

A California man was arrested after sending his ex-girlfriend 4,000 texts after she broke up with him. Not only that, he is also being treated for two dislocated thumbs.

An Australian man is suing Google for defamation. Although the only thing worse than having something defamatory written about you on Google is searching your name and finding nothing.

Google will start featuring information on colleges, like cost after financial aid and graduation rates. Although the most searched subject is how many years past 65 will students be paying off their tuition loans.

The University of New Hampshire will accept Chinese test results. Mostly because test takers already speak Chinese, which will be a U.S. requirement in ten years.

The University of New Hampshire will accept Chinese test results. Mostly because Chinese students have no problem applying there because they have no idea what a New Hampshire winter is like.

A court has ruled there is no privacy for cellphones with a 1-2-3-4 password. Which means anyone born on January 2, 1934 better come up with another code.

A court has ruled there is no privacy for cellphones with a 1-2-3-4 password. Which is bad news for anyone who thought there was any legal protection for being dumb.

The U.S. is preparing to proceed with tariffs on Chinese goods. Not to say it will increase prices, but Wal-Mart is on the verge of being rebranded as a luxury store.

Premier tribal news outlet Indian Country Today is being relaunched for the digital age. Mostly because it was just too difficult to insert ads in between smoke signals. (Racist? I don’t think so. I’m leaving it in because I think it’s funny.)

Oil companies are asking a court to throw out a New York City lawsuit over climate change. Oil executives say they are not the cause and are in no way responsible for the recent polar bear attacks in Central Park.

Kim Kardashian says she wants a better way to fix typos on Twitter. Meaning besides the obvious remedy of getting past a third grade reading level.

Kim Kardashian says she wants a better way to fix typos on Twitter. Which for now means turning off autocorrect and actually reading tweets before hitting “send.”

Donald Trump claims that North Korea is no longer a nuclear threat. Which means he can now go ahead as planned and declare war on them next week.

St. Louis will end prosecution of low-level pot offenses. Which anymore means pretty much all pot offenses.

St. Louis will end prosecution of low-level pot offenses. Which anymore means pretty much all pot offenses. Mostly because in St. Louis they don’t even have the resources to prosecute the cases of arson, kidnapping and armed robbery.

Scientists say the ice over Antarctica is melting at an alarming rate. To which climate deniers are saying what do you expect from an area located so far south?

Two New Jersey brothers were sentenced to prison for their roles in a $100 Million health fraud scam. Who do they think they are, Medicare?

Two New Jersey brothers were sentenced to prison in a $100 Million health fraud scam. They should have known the way to make billions doing that and not getting caught is to be a pretty blonde starting a company and calling it “Theranos.”

A study says IQ scores have been dropping for decades with environmental factors to blame. The environmental factors being couches, video games and pizza.

A study says psychedelic drugs may change students’ brain cells. Which anyone using LSD knows when taking enough of the drug they can actually see it happening.

A report says a growing number of American men are undergoing plastic surgery. Mostly because it’s hard to go on Tinder and attract a 19 year old woman when you are a fat, bald middle aged man.

A brain eating amoeba has been found in a Louisiana water district for the third time in three years. The good news is the people there have nothing to worry about.

Miss USA, Sarah Rose Summers says the pageant crown is much heavier than might be expected. Especially when it is perched on an object that is just filled with air.

Roseanne Barr’s name made it on the Emmy nomination ballot before her show was cancelled. Which if she wins, the trophy will be considered a nice parting gift.

Most players on the NHL Champion Capitals say they are looking forward to a visit to the White House. At least until they realize Donald Trump has just put a 300% tariff on any imported Canadian hockey sticks.

Most players on the NHL Champion Capitals say they are looking forward to a visit to the White House. They should get along well with the Oval Office staff whose jobs are also always on thin ice.

A former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader says she was paid less than the team’s mascot. Which is even worse for the cheerleaders for the Kansas City Chiefs who make less than the cost of oats it takes to feed Warpaint the horse.

PGA of America President Paul Levy was charged with DUI after his car went off the road and hit a sign. Apparently he forgot to yell “Fore!”

PGA of America President Paul Levy was charged with DUI after his car went off the road and hit a sign. Apparently he needs to remember that he should keep his attempts to imitate Tiger Woods strictly on the golf course.

Traffic problems on Long Island could cause three hour delays for golfers trying to get to Shinnecock Hills for the U.S. Open. Or as most PGA Tour golfers call three hours, “a quick 9 holes.”

Dodger pitcher Walker Bueller has been placed on the Disabled List. So when he doesn’t show up for a game, the players are going to have to listen to the manager taking role and saying “Bueller…Bueller…”

Donald Trump says everyone can feel safer than the day he took office. Which is nice he is finally admitting everyone was scared to death the day he became President.

A study says fewer people are using Facebook for news. Apparently they are going back to the original reasons for the site, seeing what people ate for breakfast, watching cat videos and hitting on their friends’ wives.

A study says narcissists tend to have thicker, denser and more distinct eyebrows. Mostly from always raising them in admiration when seeing themselves in a mirror.

A study says narcissists tend to have thicker, denser and more distinct eyebrows. Who knew that the three people who loved themselves the most were Martin Scorsese, Andy Rooney and Groucho Marx.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I had a great day yesterday. Don’t ask why, I really can’t talk about it now but it is really fun when I get under someone’s skin. Which is pretty much the point of this whole blog. I am here to make you laugh, which usually comes at the expense of someone else. Which is why it is funny! But you know I would never make fun of my readers, because you are the reason I write. And it’s always the best when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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