Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Rock guitarist Slash settled with his ex-wife, paying her $6 Million along with $100,000 a month for life. It turns out the reason he is called “Slash” is when it comes to his new monthly budget.

The agreement between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un includes possible North Korean beach hotels and condos. Which is great news for the three people who would actually ever consider vacationing in North Korea.

A report says inflation in the U.S. is at a six year high, eating away at wage increases. Which all those people getting raises to $10 an hour knew it was too good to be true.

U.S. bank Citi says 10,000 jobs could be lost to robots. The question being how many bank accounts will eventually be opened by all those robots? (Credit to Henry Ford)

A survey about what God looks like had liberals thinking more feminine, younger and more loving. While conservatives were more likely to think Donald Trump.

Vietnam tightened its hold on the Internet, demanding companies store data of Vietnamese users on servers inside the country. Which should have no real effect on the three people in Vietnam who actually have access to the Internet.

A California ghost town is for sale for $1 Million for three acres along with 22 structures. Which is a real bargain considering that same $1 Million will currently buy a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

A California ghost town is for sale for $1 Million for three acres along with 22 structures. Which for Republicans means the only bigger ghost town in the state is the capital of Sacramento.

Alec Baldwin says he would win “hands down” if he ran for President. Apparently playing Donald Trump on “Saturday Night Live” has now actually made him believe he really is Trump.

A study says the IQ scores of young people have begun falling after rising steadily since World War II. Which is why Donald Trump is doing his best to help the futures of young people by working on starting World War III.

San Francisco has revealed a sleek, shiny design for its new public toilets, which remind some people of space ships. Which is ironic as they will orbit around Uranus. (Yes, immature, juvenile, predictable…but always funny!)

San Francisco has revealed a sleek, shiny design for its new public toilets, which remind some people of space ships. The worst part is before people flush feeling the need to yell “The Eagle has landed!”

A computer algorithm predicts Germany will win the World Cup. Although gamblers are still waiting for more reliable predictions from an octopus, squid and giraffe.

Russia is using its air defense system along with background checks in an attempt to contain World Cup threats from terrorists and hooligans. Which can also be accomplished by just isolating all the games played by the team from Scotland.

A NASA expert says humans “absolutely” could live on Mars. Mostly because the best way to insure safety is an environment where there are no other humans around.

A NASA expert says humans “absolutely” could live on Mars. The problem is that they can’t make that same guarantee anymore about Earth.

A NASA expert says humans “absolutely” could live on Mars. Mostly the ones who have spent time in Syria, Pakistan and Siberia who will consider it a step up.

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai says he requires 24 hour protection because of threats. How bad is an administration when even the heads of the FCC and EPA need to have round the clock bodyguards?

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai says he requires 24 hour protection because of threats. Fortunately for him, eliminating net neutrality will end the online threats when the Internet is shut down for everyone but the wealthy.

A saliva test will reportedly be able to identify men with the best chances of developing prostate cancer. Although those men can only hope their wives don’t find out whose saliva they used.

A report says landlords are practically giving away malls. It’s so bad that malls are pretty much the only things left that can still be bought at a mall.

Tesla is cutting 9% of its workforce in a profitability push. The goal is to make driverless cars that can also put themselves together on an assembly line.

A survey says younger millionaires feel more responsibility to use their fortunes to benefit society than older wealthy people. Which explains why there is so much friction between the people in the Trump Administration and those in Silicon Valley.

A survey says younger millionaires feel more responsibility to use their fortunes to benefit society than their older peers. Although not doing that is how younger millionaires become older wealthy people.

Donald Trump says Kim Jong-un “loves his people.” Although mass imprisonment, torture and executions is sure a funny way of showing it.

Donald Trump says Kim Jong-un “loves his people.” Which explains why the North Korean national anthem is Nick Lowe’s “Cruel To Be Kind.”

Kraft is holding an auction where the winners get a block of cheese sculpted to look like their dad for Father’s Day. Which is not necessary if your dad is a Packers fan and is already pretty much a Cheese Head.

A study says Americans “scared” by the Great Recession changed the way they spend money. Mostly learning that it’s tough to spend when you don’t have any.

A study says a vegan diet is the single biggest way for people to reduce their impact on the Earth. To which people are asking which other planets serve meat and dairy.

A study says a vegan diet is the single biggest way for people to reduce their impact on the Earth. How fat have we gotten when our impact on the planet is literally referring to when we fall down and impact the planet?

A report says the government’s deficit in May was $146.8 Billion. Which means if we gave every member of Congress a paid permanent vacation, the rest of our spending would pretty much fall to zero.

Snapchat has a new feature that allows people to delete messages before they are read. To which Anthony Weiner is saying “Oh, now they have this?!”

A report says Millennial men and women invest their money differently. Women tend to save, while men spend their money making a brighter atmosphere where they live in their parents’ basement.

Adidas is partnering with IKEA to explore how their brands can create a healthy lifestyle. While Adidas provides shoes for athletic endeavors, IKEA gives people the chance to work out for five hours putting a couch together instead of sitting on it.

The American Medical Association has adopted sweeping policies against gun violence. Can they make up their minds? First in their push for immunization they want people to get shots, now with guns they don’t want people to get shot.

A panel says how universities deal with sexual harassment needs sweeping changes. Mostly because the way they deal with it now is saying “Oh, those crazy frat boys!”

A report says one in five youths are seeing unwanted sexual material online. The other four are asking where they found it.

A study says kitchen towels are laden with bacteria. Especially if they are used to clean utensils, hands and counters which are even more laden with bacteria.

Ellen DeGeneres had Shaquille O’Neal on a segment called “small hands, big Shaq” where he completed tasks using fake tiny hands. Which shows being able to perform with small hands at least makes him qualified to be President of the U.S.

The Greenbrier Classic PGA Tour event will change its name to “A Military Tribute at the Greenbrier.” The only difference is TV announcers will have to refer to “bombing” a drive, a sand “explosion” and surviving in a “bunker.”

A report says LeBron James doesn’t like Houston as a city. Which is kind of severe seeing as Houston is pretty much a city.

A report says LeBron James doesn’t like Houston as a city. Who ever thought they would see the day when someone with the initials LBJ didn’t like Houston?

LeBron James says the idea of playing in the NBA with his son would be the “greatest achievement in his life.” As opposed to LaVar Ball who says playing in the NBA with any of his sons would be the greatest two seconds of his life.

The CEO of USA Gymnastics is on the record saying “We’re pretty good” right before the sex abuse crisis neared in 2015. To which even the Catholic Church is asking how out of touch that group is.

Dustin Johnson says he doesn’t hit the golf ball “too far.” In fact, on some par four and par five holes he can’t even use his putter until he is hitting his third shot.

Donald Trump slammed Robert De Niro, calling him “punch drunk” and “low IQ” after an F-Bomb attack at the Tony Awards. Which will be hard to argue if there is ever an announcement for “Dirty Grandpa 2.”

Disclosures show that Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner made $80 Million last year. $20,000 of that was actual income with the rest coming from her dad’s tax cuts.

Voto Latino has announced its goal to register 1 Million Hispanic voters by 2020. In a related story, the Trump Administration announced its plans to deport 1 Million Hispanic voters.

Spanish football league La Liga is defending spying on users of its phone app. The interesting part is it turns out “La Liga” is Spanish for “Belichick.”

Scientists say the reason for a small uptick in the temperature of the Moon in the 1970s was from the Apollo astronauts. How bad are we that in 12 quick visits we already created global warming there?

A watchdog group says social media must be made less addictive. The worst part is the announcement was made over Facebook news headlines.

A study says 50 year olds with high blood pressure are linked with a better chance of developing dementia. The good news is they won’t have to worry as they will constantly be forgetting they even have high blood pressure.

A study says one third of Americans take prescription drugs that can cause depression. Especially when they get their monthly pharmacy bill.

A study says after briefly leveling, the U.S. obesity rate is rising. Apparently the lull was just everyone at the dinner table pausing between gulps to take a breath.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As many of you know, I try to stay in shape by jumping rope. My routine is to do 4,000 reps a day six days a week. I consider it a bonus when I get through the set without missing a jump. Today I completed my 25th day in a row without a miss, making 100,000 jumps in a row. Which finally explains why I sit here writing jokes all day as I have absolutely no life. Between jumping rope and writing jokes, there isn’t much time for anything else. Which is why the best part of my day is when I sit down to look at my e-mails and see all of you remembering to always keep on sending the love!



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