Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Eunice Gayson, the first Bond girl has died at age 90. She was so old, her last gig was as the Gold Bond girl.

Kathy Griffin says she lost 90% of her friends after posting a controversial Donald Trump photo. The question being what’s 90% of two?

A study says women find sex more disgusting than men. Mostly because they are the ones who have to have sex with men.

A report says Donald Trump’s staffers were paid $60,000 to tape back together documents Trump ripped up after reading. Which gets harder to do each time he gets hold of the Constitution.

New York City Police say a man bit a straphanger’s lip off in a fight at a subway station. No one even knew Mike Tyson had started using public transportation.

A report on Catholic priest abuse in Pennsylvania will be the most extensive yet. Mostly because it comes out of the same parish that was attended by Joe Paterno.

Banks are offering auto loans up to 84 months long to cash-strapped customers. The problem is for people taking out a 7 year loan on a Chrysler that will be lucky to run for three years.

Banks are offering auto loans up to 84 months long to cash-strapped customers. The worst part is if gas prices keep rising, those people will be taking out additional loans every time they fill the tank.

A study says lonely people are twice as likely to die from heart problems. Mostly because there is never anyone around when they need their daily CPR.

A study says lonely people are twice as likely to die from heart problems. Mostly because who wants to hang around with someone who sits on the couch watching TV all day smoking cigarettes and eating McDonald’s?

John Kelly says the White House is a “miserable” place to work. The good news is that the people working at the Trump Organization say for the past year and a half it’s the best place ever to work.

John Kelly says the White House is a “miserable” place to work. Which is good news for Americans that Donald Trump is making government like the private sector.

Uber says it can detect drunk passengers by the way they hold their phone. Mainly that they are holding their phone to call Uber for a ride at 2:30 Sunday morning.

Uber says it can detect drunk passengers by the way they hold their phone. Especially when they are calling Uber while still taking group selfies at a bar.

Goldman Sachs is picking Brazil to win the World Cup after running 1 Million computer simulations. Mostly because it took that many tries to finally have a team actually score a goal.

Goldman Sachs is picking Brazil to win the World Cup after running 1 Million computer simulations. Although the bad news is that the simulations also show the economy crashing again in 2019.

Amazon is being criticized over factory conditions in China where Echo speakers are made. Who do those Chinese factory managers think they are, Amazon?

A supermodel waved the checkered flag early, ending the Canadian Grand Prix race a lap short. It wasn’t like she was in a hurry to go get a sandwich.

Rupert Everett says gays in Hollywood are second-class citizens. The response to which was “We should be so lucky” by women, blacks, Hispanics, Asians, Jews…

Rupert Everett says gays in Hollywood are second-class citizens. Remember the Golden Years of Hollywood where the only discrimination was against people who weren’t beautiful?

Wells Fargo has banned customers from buying cryptocurrency with their credit cards. How bad is it when Wells Fargo deems monetary transactions as fake?

Tech startups in Silicon Valley is trying to make bank accounts popular again. Mostly because only Silicon Valley executives have enough money left over every month to actually put into the bank.

Tech startups in Silicon Valley is trying to make bank accounts popular again. Only in Silicon Valley would having a savings account passbook become a status symbol.

A study by the CDC says toddlers are eating too much sugar. The problem being that could be keeping them from getting their minimum daily servings of salt and fat.

A study by the CDC says toddlers are eating too much sugar. Which happens the day they stop breast feeding and start asking for breakfast cereal.

2,500 naked women set a world’s record for the biggest skinny dip on a beach in Ireland. It was also the record for the umber of people on an Irish beach with no clothes who didn’t develop hypothermia.

Government science advisers say the FAA should speed the process to get drones into the national airspace. Mostly because it’s the best time of year for people to try out their new drone to spy on their sunbathing neighbors.

IHOP says its change to IHOb means the International House of burgers. Customers think it’s fine as it is all the same when you cover it with enough maple syrup.

FCC chief Ajit Pai says about net neutrality that consumers “won’t see any change at all.” Meaning they will still get terrible Internet service for unfairly high prices.

A survey says one fourth of Americans acquire 1,300 calories at work every week from food they did not bring themselves. Which means other workers should do them a favor by bringing in healthier food for all the refrigerator thieves.

A survey says one fourth of Americans acquire 1,300 calories at work every week from food they did not bring themselves. Mostly from all the cookies and cakes brought in to say goodbye to the workers who are laid off each week.

A study says men with erectile dysfunction are twice as likely to have heart disease. Mostly from worrying their wife will find their secret stash of Viagra.

A study says men with erectile dysfunction are twice as likely to have heart disease. Mostly from the stress of swearing how this has “never happened before.”

A study says coffee may be good for the liver. Although that doesn’t count if it is Irish coffee, Bavarian coffee, Amaretto coffee, Spanish coffee…

A photo of Prince George playing with a toy gun sparked an Internet debate about whether it was proper. Shouldn’t he instead be playing with his toy scepter, crown and throne?

Eminem was criticized for using “gunshot” sound effects during a concert. Or as gunfire during a rap concert is usually called, “ambient sound.”

Robert De Niro dropped an F-Bomb referring to Donald Trump at the Tony Awards. Apparently he just wanted to get through the obligatory awards show political statements and expletives all at once.

Ryan Gosling will star as Neil Armstrong in “First Man.” Which conspiracists say is fitting as it will be the second time the first Moon landing will be filmed in a studio.

Kobe Bryant says to LeBron James that he has to figure out how to win championships. Apparently Kobe forgets his last three years with the Lakers ended with a combined record of 65-181.

Telemundo is hoping American viewers will prefer watching the World Cup broadcast in Spanish. The only difference is having to turn down the audio for five minutes every time the announcer yells “Gooooooal!”

A report says XFL Commissioner Oliver Luck will be paid at least $20 Million a year. What better way to compete with the NFL than to mimic their tradition of hiring a ridiculously overpaid top executive?

Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman has tested positive for an “unrecognizable substance.” As opposed to the steroids that made Barry Bonds unrecognizable with 40 pounds of additional muscle.

Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman has tested positive for an “unrecognizable substance.” Which could just be the stuff he is eating from the Tom Brady book of an organic plant-based diet with no processed foods.

Adam Scott will use a local caddie at Shinnecock Hills for the U.S. Open this week. People were surprised. There are still courses with local caddies?

Adam Scott will use a local caddie at Shinnecock Hills for the U.S. Open this week. The worst part is having to listen to Scott knock in a series of putts on the practice green while chanting “Na-na-na-na-na…”

A trial has begun for a Kentucky lobbyist charged with giving “Christmas presents” to high ranking state officials to retain a contract for a client. Which to other lobbyists is pretty much known as their job description.

The CEO of Twitter has apologized for eating at Chick-fil-A because of their stance on gay marriage. The bigger question is why is the billionaire CEO of Twitter spending his lunch hour at Chick-fil-A?

Kim Jong-un brought his own portable toilet to his summit with Donald Trump. Which in North Korea is literally known as “the throne.”

Kim Jong-un brought his own portable toilet to his summit in Singapore with Donald Trump. Apparently his aides didn’t want him to be surprised by seeing indoor plumbing for the first time.

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai says he is simply going back to the Clinton-era framework for the Internet set in 1996 by eliminating net neutrality. The problem being 1996 Internet was pretty much only AOL, dialup modems and the Hampster Dance.

The Koch Group has unveiled a six-figure prison reform campaign. Meaning making sure no one with a six-figure income ever has to worry about going to prison.

A survey says 4 in 10 Americans say teenage sex is morally acceptable. Mostly the middle-aged men who have signed on with the dating site TeenSpot.com.

A survey says acceptance of gambling has reached new heights in the U.S. Mostly with the people who know their only chance of ever retiring is winning the lottery.

A survey says acceptance of gambling has reached new heights in the U.S. Especially with the people who know the only way to make their paycheck last two weeks is put it on the Roulette Wheel double or nothing.

Tesla will start rolling out its “full self-driving package” in August. Which will be followed soon after with their full self-driving hearse that will take people to the cemetery after being killed by a Tesla on AutoPilot.

Facebook has announced a new “Memories” page. It’s for people who can look back at all the users who they got into political arguments with and unfriended.

An analysis says Wal-Mart and Amazon are bad for efforts to recycle cardboard boxes. Mostly because people just end up putting the cheap crap they bought at Wal-Mart and Amazon back in the boxes and out on the curb for trash day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only two more days until the U.S. Open starts, my favorite sporting event of the entire year. Although I do like the Super Bowl because it means the end of football season and the promise of baseball and warmer weather. But the U.S. Open is the one tournament that actually makes the best golfers in the world look like the rest of us at least on a few holes. There is nothing like seeing guys who usually tear up courses at every other tournament hitting out of grass two feet high with a tree right in their line of sight. That is muni golf at its finest. It’s also exciting that Tiger Woods is playing competitively again which will make it that much more interesting. But nothing is exciting for me as when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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