Sunday, June 10, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


IHOP sent a tweet saying they were changing their name to IHOb. Which no doubt stands for International House of O-besity.

A report says Scott Pruitt enlisted his 24/7 security detail to pick up his dry cleaning and buy moisturizing lotion. Apparently he just wanted to give them something to do as the biggest physical threat to head of the EPA is the potential for paper cuts.

A report says suicide is now the tenth leading cause of death in the U.S. Which people having nothing left to live for is starting to explain the whole “let’s elect Donald Trump” movement.

The Air Force has grounded the entire B-1 bomber fleet for safety concerns. Although the only place not safe around a B-1 is pretty much directly below them.

The Air Force has grounded the entire B-1 bomber fleet for safety concerns. Apparently they wanted to give them a rest before possibly needing them the day after the upcoming summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un.

Thousands of Palestinians burned tires along the Gaza-Israel border fence in a protest. Which got high marks from Scott Pruitt for making a political statement at the same time as trashing the environment.

The University of West Alabama is prohibiting students form sending harsh text messages. They feel students should be like those at other schools who use electronic gadgets just for finding dates and cheating on tests.

Argentina’s peso plunged to a record low. Which gave hope to Mexico for the possibility of for once not having the least valuable peso.

A study says two months of stress can affect male sperm quality. Which is too late by the time the stress involves whether the pregnancy test comes back positive.

Bernie Sanders says the transition for his plan for Medicare for all means “there will be pain.” Which would be taken care of by Medicare being able to provide everyone with cheap opioids.

The Vatican is seeking “courageous” ideas to combat a shortage of priests. Although what would really be courageous is if the Catholic Church ever actually took responsibility for what all their priests have done.

A Vatican document hints at the debate of married priests. Which makes sense as if they want priests to be celibate, who is more likely than married couples?

Germaine Greer criticized Beyonce asking “why has she always got to be naked?” The answer being that men will pay really good money to see it.

Sea World has banned straws and plastic bags in its parks. If anyone really needs plastic products they can always just go inside the stomach of any marine mammals.

A study says 10% of people admit to checking their phones during sex. Mostly just to make sure they haven’t missed any texts from their wife.

A study says 10% of people admit to checking their phones during sex. The worst part is when they see their sex partner just gave them a left swipe.

The new U.S. supercomputer Summit is the world’s most powerful, capable of 200 Million Billion calculations per second. Which means it still takes it three months to be able to figure out the actual total of the national debt.

Republicans are warning that Donald Trump’s tariffs on Canadian newsprint is killing U.S. newspapers. To which Trump is saying “And the problem is…?”

Republicans are warning that Donald Trump’s tariffs on Canadian newsprint is killing U.S. newspapers. To which Donald Trump is now asking what they need to do to kill power to CNN and MSNBC.

Republicans are warning that Donald Trump’s tariffs on Canadian newsprint is killing U.S. newspapers. Which is bad news for the three Americans who still actually have a subscription to a daily newspaper.

A report says rural malls are closing leaving shoppers there with no stores. Which is a problem for anyone who has ever tried to find any good-fitting overalls online.

Kia has recalled 500,000 vehicles for faulty airbags. The good news is that most Kias are pretty much incapable of reaching the minimum crash speed needed to deploy an airbag.

Kia has recalled 500,000 vehicles for faulty airbags. People were surprised. There are a half million people who have actually bought a Kia?

Lil Kim has filed bankruptcy after going $4 Million in debt. Which Donald Trump’s aides had to explain it has nothing to do with Kim Jong-un and the summit is not just an attempt for him to borrow some money.

Pope Francis I is urging oil company executives to act on clean energy. In fact, the Pope himself is looking at getting rid of that white smoke/black smoke way of announcing a new Pope and just waving a flag using wind power.

Pope Francis I is urging oil company executives to act on clean energy. To which Big Oil says they are always willing to do God’s work by doubling their prices again.

A San Francisco woman accused of dismembering her roommate made her first court appearance. Her defense is that renting a room in the Bay Area really does cost an arm and a leg.

A study says people who are divorced are more likely to smoke and have lower levels of physical activity. Especially the ones who got divorced because their spouse didn’t want to be married to a fat smoker.

Harvard scientists say the formula to living longer is diet, exercise, weight management, no excessive drinking and not smoking. To which most Americans are saying “So what’s Plan ‘B’?”

A report says the wait time for Indian immigrants with advanced degrees to get a green card is 151 years. Which is fine as most Americans have that same time line to pay off their advanced college degree and be able to save enough for retirement.

A report says the partisan divide on the benefit of having rich people is expanding. Mostly because more people feel having the rich around only reminds everyone else how poor they are.

A list of the world’s 100 top paid athletes had no women this year. Mostly because the WNBA pay scale is still somewhere between fast food restaurant worker and convenience store clerk.

Sports teams are looking for a cut on revenues from the legalization of sports betting. Especially the Cleveland Browns who give so many bettors an easy win by wagering on their opponents.

The EU has announced $3 Billion in tariffs on the U.S. Which means the jokes on them as the U.S. hasn’t actually made any goods to export since 1997.

McDonald’s is planning on making $500 Million in cuts including corporate layoffs. The ironic part is that the executives they will now be getting paid $15 an hour.

A Georgia doctor seen dancing and singing during surgery is being called a “threat to public safety.” Although in the meantime she has been asked to appear on “Gall Bladder Surgery With The Stars.”

A Georgia doctor seen dancing and singing during surgery is being called a “threat to public safety.” Apparently she kept confusing the operating room with the ballroom.

A report says Donald Trump’s immigration policy is making it harder for foreign doctors to work in the U.S. Which means more Americans will just have to keep traveling to Mexico to get enormous butt implants.

Tattoo artist Kat Von D says she won’t vaccinate her baby. Apparently the only needles that will get near her child will be full of ink.

A kindergarten teacher in Massachusetts posted a poem on the wall telling children what to do in case of a school shooting. The worst part is when asked what meter the poem was written in, she said “9 milli-meter.”

A kindergarten teacher in Massachusetts posted a poem on the wall telling children what to do in case of a school shooting. Which wasn’t so bad until it was revealed the poem’s title was “Ode to an AK-47.”

Keira Knightly received the OBE award from Queen Elizabeth II. She only received the OBE since as a woman she was just not knightly enough.

Reality TV star Paul Calafiore says other than infidelity, he treats women like gold. Which is like United Airlines saying other than beating up passengers and dragging them off planes, they have an excellent customer service record.

LeBron James on whether he has played his last game for the Cavaliers says the decision depends on his family. Meaning asking them which part of Los Angeles they would like to move to.

Steve Kerr says this was the “hardest year of his career.” Which if he wants a lot easier time of it all he has to do is quit and start coaching the Clippers.

Yankees pitcher Masahiro Tanaka had to leave a game after running all the way to home plate. Which Yankee fans thought that was a headline they would only ever read featuring the name David Wells.

LeBron James played the last three games of the NBA Finals with a broken hand from a “self-inflicted” injury. There hasn’t been a bigger self-inflicted injury with a hand in the NBA other than the one Charles Barkley uses to hold his fork.

A financial adviser has been sentenced to seven years in prison for stealing $5 Million from former NFL lineman Cory Redding. Which shows that the best financial advice is to keep your eyes on your financial adviser.

A financial adviser has been sentenced to seven years in prison for stealing $5 Million from former NFL lineman Cory Redding. If he wanted to steal money from an athlete, he should have done it legally and just become a sports agent.

Bears chairman George McCaskey says the NFL’s National Anthem policy is “not perfect.” But then neither is the catch rule, the celebration penalty, replay challenges, the shoe rule…

A 7 year old asked NBA Commissioner Adam Silver to reschedule NBA Finals games earlier because kids can’t stay up that late. To which most adults are also asking for the Finals to be scheduled earlier, like sometime in April.

Bookies say Lonzo Ball has the best odds of being caught with a “burner” account. Which will be obvious when someone actually starts writing some favorable tweets about Lonzo Ball.

Golfer Justin Thomas was named Alabama pro athlete of the year. Which is the first time that award has ever gone to someone whose sport didn’t involve drivin’, ropin’ or wrasslin’.

Donald Trump says his upcoming summit is a “one-time shot” for Kim Jong-un. Which is the same thing American voters said to Trump when they elected him.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s a great time of year for me and sports. And not just because Dennis Rodman is back in the news. I mean the French Open is wrapping up this week and next week it’s the U.S. Open Golf Championship. Those are my sports. I also love baseball but it’s like a soap opera. You can quit watching for two or three months and pick it right back up where you left it. I hope you all had a great weekend and are ready for another week of great jokes. Or you can just stay right here and hope for the best. In any event, all I ever ask for in return for whatever you call this is for you all to always remember to keep on sending the love!



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