Friday, June 01, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Sears says it will close another 72 stores. People were surprised at the news. Sears has 72 stores that are still in business?

 Health officials have issued a swim advisory for the Atlantic Ocean for bacteria following heavy rainfall from Subtropical Storm Alberto. Which in meteorological terms means Alberto peed in the pool.

 Donald Trump has pardoned conservative pundit Dinesh D'Souza who was convicted of campaign finance violations. Mostly because compared to the people on Trump's White House staff, that is the legal equivalent of a parking ticket.

 Tom Arnold says ABC "lost it all" because they weren't able to get the phone out of Roseanne's hand. Which is exactly what people around the world will be saying about the U.S. and Donald Trump in another couple of years.

Germaine Greer says "most rape is just bad sex." Which is like saying most armed robberies are just unsuccessful requests for donations.

 A report says liberals' worst nightmare is another Supreme Court pick for Donald Trump. To which most liberals say that's not true, their worst nightmare is a second term for Donald Trump.

 A study says men with high testosterone levels are less likely to be religious. Mostly because those are the men who are most likely to think that if there is a God, it's them.

 A study says men with high testosterone levels are less likely to be religious. Mostly because those are the men whose Sundays are set aside for watching football on TV, drinking beer and grilling.

 A report says sex on Mars could create a new human subspecies. Unlike sex on Uranus which would be an entirely different issue. (Had to do it!)

 The "Star Wars" prequel "Solo" is turning into a box office dud. Ironically, "solo" is how moviegoers feel when they are sitting in the theater watching the film.

 A survey says Facebook is losing ground against rival Internet platforms in attracting and keeping U.S. teens. Mostly because when they post about an accomplishment and the first comment says "Mommy is so proud of you!"

 A survey says Facebook is losing ground against rival Internet platforms in attracting and keeping U.S. teens. Mostly because the last thing you want to see posted when you are 16 is what grandma ate for breakfast.

 Canon is ending its 80 year history of selling film cameras. To which everyone under thirty is saying "What's film?"

 Canon is ending its 80 year history of selling film cameras. Apparently the company just lost its focus.

 Canon is ending its 80 year history of selling film cameras. The company will just have to wait and see what develops.

 Students at a South Carolina high school reportedly performed sex acts while the teacher was in the room. School officials were just happy that for once the teacher wasn't one of the ones involved.

 A woman flying Southwest Airlines from Las Vegas to Philadelphia says a man on the flight was watching porn while performing sex on himself. Apparently he thought he was flying United where they tell passengers to go perform sex on themselves all the time.

 A woman flying Southwest Airlines from Las Vegas to Philadelphia says a man on the flight was watching porn while performing sex on himself. The question is after visiting Las Vegas how did he have anything left for sex?

 A Southwest Airlines jet made an emergency landing after a passenger lit up a joint in the bathroom. How bad is it when you're at 30,000 feet and you still feel the need to get higher?

 A Southwest Airlines jet made an emergency landing after a passenger lit up a joint in the bathroom. The worst part is the emergency was for the distress the stoner had for a fix of extra pepperoni deep dish pizza.

 The savings rate in the U.S. is at a near record low as Americans are spending more than they make. The good news is when Americans are going deeply into debt, it's the first sign the economy has finally gotten back to normal.

 A man in India shot himself in the head while live-streaming it on Facebook. Which when he was done meant there was nothing "live" about it.

 Secretary of State Mike Pompeo says "real progress" is being made in talks towards moving forward on the summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un. How much of a diplomatic breakdown is it when it's a major victory just getting close to scheduling a meeting?

The Catholic Archdiocese in Minneapolis has settled a sex abuse case 
for $210 Million as part of bankruptcy reorganization. No word 
yet on the cost of trying to get past the church's moral 
bankruptcy.
 
The Catholic Archdiocese in Minneapolis has settled a sex abuse case 
for $210 Million as part of bankruptcy reorganization. Seeing how the 
Church works, Harvey Weinstein has just applied to become a bishop.
 
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo says a letter from Kim Jong-un is to be 
delivered to Donald Trump. Which means between the North Korean 
and U.S. postal services, it should be in Trump’s hands sometime in 
2027.
 
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo says a letter from Kim Jong-un is to be 
delivered to Donald Trump. The question is, why don’t they just 
communicate via Twitter and just get the inevitable war underway 
now?
 
A report says seven in ten voters say Donald Trump tweets “too much.” 
The other three say at least we aren’t living under President Roseanne.
 
A report says seven in ten voters say Donald Trump tweets “too much.” 
The other three say they are fine with it as long as he doesn’t actually 
do anything he says in his tweets.
 
Pope Francis I has condemned the culture of abuse and cover-up in the 
Church. Who do they think they are, the government?
 
A Florida home once owned by Sammy Sosa is selling for $16 Million 
after Sosa sold it for $9 Million two years ago. Even his homes are on 
steroids.
 
Republic Airways, which partners with American Eagle, Delta 
Connection and United Express is opening a flight school in 
Indianapolis. That will make it easier to hire pilots than their current 
system of picking them up in the parking lot at Home Depot.
 
Dollar store chains saw their stock prices fall because of cool weather 
and rising costs. And the fact that nobody has a spare dollar to spend.
 
Dollar store chains saw their stock prices fall because of cool weather 
and rising costs. Plus, it’s just too hard to keep up with discount 
houses like the 99 Cent Store.
 
Venezuela’s annual inflation rate has exceeded 25,000%. It’s so out of 
control that they have changed their national currency to the Bitcoin.
 
Las Vegas casinos say they could lose $10 Million a day during a 
strike. Which they can make right back and then some if they just find 
a way to keep their buffet lines open.
 
Food service Bon Appetit says it will ban plastic straws from 1,000 
U.S. eateries. In a related story, seeing the way people eat means they 
will also replace plastic knives and forks with miniature shovels.
 
The maker of OxyContin is asking a judge to dismiss a lawsuit that 
blames the company for Alaska’s opioid epidemic. Which the 
company blames on people trying to cope with living in Alaska.
 
The maker of OxyContin is asking a judge to dismiss a lawsuit that 
blames the company for Alaska’s opioid epidemic. The only other 
reason for the epidemic disappeared when Sarah Palin resigned as 
governor.
 
The FDA has approved the first artificial iris. The breakthrough was 
credited to a company that has real vision.
 
A study casts doubt on the idea of “healthy obesity” for women. It 
gives the same credibility to anyone designated as an “idiot genius.”
 
A study casts doubt on the idea of “healthy obesity” for women. That 
makes about as much sense as a reality TV star who is also President.
 
A study says pot is replacing tobacco and alcohol use for teens. Mostly
 because using pot doesn’t raise suspicions with their parents when 
they continue to just sit on the couch playing video games and eating 
pizza.
 
A Canadian man on a morning run was gored by a 2,000 pound bison. 
The good news is he just saved the cost of round-trip airfare to 
Pamplona.
 
A Bangladesh man played guitar while undergoing an operation on his
 brain. Which just proved that playing a musical instrument isn’t brain 
surgery.
 
A report says half the world’s children are at risk of war, poverty and 
discrimination. To which Donald Trump says he wants equality and 
will work hard to put the other half in exactly the same risk of danger.
 
Kendrick Lamar accepted his Pulitzer Prize for his album “DAMN.” 
It’s the first time since Robert Frost and Eugene O’Neill the prize was 
given to someone using the terms “bitch-slap,” “ho” and “bust down.”
 
Tom Cruise teased the sequel to “Top Gun.” Not to say the cast is 
older, but the film’s catch phrase “I feel the need for speed” has been 
replaced with “You’re driving like a bat out of Hell!”
 
Roseanne says she may challenge the cancellation of her show. 
Although most people agree the only thing challenged is her thought 
process.
 
LeBron James showed up at Game One of the NBA Finals wearing a 
suit with shorts. Which would have been more appropriate if he was 
instead arriving at an audition for lead guitar with AC/DC.
 
A report says the Lakers are not interested in drafting LiAngelo Ball. 
Mostly because the front office just can’t imagine dealing with double 
the complaints every day from LaVar.
 
Yu Darvish says he thinks the Cubs fans hate him. It just seems he 
needs to try to go somewhere that doesn’t have a team color of blue.
 
Yu Darvish says he thinks the Cubs fans hate him. He should go play 
for the Phillies where the fans there remove any doubt.
 
Delaware will be the first new state to offer sports wagering. Which is 
ironic as they will be the last state to ever actually have a chance of 
having a real sports team to bet on. 
 
Johnny Manziel will start his career with the Hamilton Tiger-Cats on 
the bench. Which is better than in Cleveland where he spent most of 
his time on the floor.
 
Johnny Manziel will start the season with the Hamilton Tiger-Cats on 
the bench. That’s already resulted in his new nickname of “Johnny 
Splinters.”
 
A lawyer for Colin Kaepernick says Donald Trump’s comments cost 
him a contract. Apparently Trump can’t handle anyone being 
successful who has bigger hair.
 
The NBA Player Association has hired their first director of mental 
health. Apparently no one was willing to take the job until they were 
sure that both Dennis Rodman and Charles Barkley had retired for 
good.
 
Lucas Glover shot a 67 in the first round of the Memorial on Thursday.
 Apparently it’s been great for his game knowing he had better keep 
shooting subpar golf as long as his wife is still out on bail.
 
That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the first day of June. 
Time for everyone to sync their calendars. Got it? Good. It is also a 
Friday which I am sure you are also aware of, meaning it is also time 
for the weekend. I think we can all use a break, especially from all the 
stuff I put on this site. But on Monday it will all start over again, and I 
will have a new attempt at trying to make you smile ready to go. 
Enjoy your days off, get rested and refreshed and just never forget to 
always keep on sending the love!
 
 
 
 
 
 

No comments: