Wednesday, May 09, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Uber plans to launch a fleet of autonomous flying taxis in two years. The question is how does the company expect to go from customers being assaulted by drivers while just going across town to being magically flown through the air?

Pedestrian fatalities have increased 46% in the U.S. from 2009-2016. So much for that campaign that walking is good for your health.

Pedestrian fatalities have increased 46% in the U.S. from 2009-2016. To which the people in Southern California are saying “what’s a pedestrian?”

A report says more U.S. workers are testing positive for illicit drugs. Mostly because it’s no fun to just smoke pot anymore now that it’s legal and everyone can do it.

The University of Cincinnati has revoked the honorary degree it awarded to Bill Cosby. Which is too bad because now there will be a big space left empty on his refrigerator door.

A report says many teens are not even looking for summer jobs. Why go through all that trouble to make a few hundred dollars when they know it won’t even put a dent in their college loan debt of $100,000.

The number of Social Security beneficiaries has risen to more than 62 Million for the first time. The amazing part is that many Americans are able to live long enough to collect Social Security.

A rumor says Hillary Clinton is wearing a back brace. Mostly from the whiplash she suffered on election night looking at the results from Michigan, Ohio and Wisconsin.

Hillary Clinton joked that she thought about leaving the country after the election. To which many Democrats are wishing she had left before the election.

Chinese banks have reportedly grown to twice as big as U.S. banks. Mostly because people in China actually have money they can put away in bank accounts.

Chinese banks have reportedly grown twice as big as U.S. banks. The U.S. banks have more accounts, it’s just that half of them are at Wells Fargo and are fake.

Chinese banks have reportedly grown to twice as big as U.S. banks. They need to be to keep track of all the money they keep loaning our government to keep us afloat.

A company wants to put Starbucks baristas out of business with a $25,000 robot. Which may not be cost effective in replacing the baristas as it takes five years for  them to make that much money.

A company wants to put Starbucks baristas out of business with a $25,000 robot. The inventor must have had his name misspelled on a cup one time too many.

A study says Donald Trump’s TV coverage is 90% negative. With Stormy Daniels, Rudy Giuliani and Robert Mueller constantly in the headlines, the question is where is there even 10% of anything positive?

A study says Donald Trump’s TV coverage is 90% negative. People were surprised. Fox News represents only 10% of news programming?

Hawaii residents are leaving offerings to the volcano goddess Pele. The sad part is with the non-natives who want to get involved and leave a soccer ball.

Hawaii residents are leaving offerings to the volcano goddess Pele. Which is different than in California where to prevent earthquakes they leave offerings to Charles Barkley.

Utah has implemented a “free range” parenting law. Otherwise known as the “Mommy’s had too much to drink, you kids go out and play” law.

Federal legislators are grilling officials as to why electricity has not been fully restored to Puerto Rico. To which the people there are saying “Electricity?”

Federal legislators are grilling officials as to why electricity has not been fully restored to Puerto Rico. Which is fine as long as they aren’t using an electric grill.

Japanese officials were offended when Prime Minister Abe was served dessert in a shoe at a dinner with Benjamin Netanyahu. Apparently the chef was told to get the dessert out fast and step on it.

Japanese officials were offended when Prime Minister Abe was served dessert in a shoe at a dinner with Benjamin Netanyahu. Somebody really stepped in it.

Japanese officials were offended when Prime Minister Abe was served dessert in a shoe at a dinner with Benjamin Netanyahu. Apparently the chef thought no one would notice when the kitchen ran out of bowls.

Melania Trump is being accused of plagiarism over a cyber safety booklet. Apparently she forgot to include the chapter about how to prevent online copying.

A couple in Zimbabwe were married just days after a crocodile bit off the bride’s arm. There was nothing humerus about that.

A couple in Zimbabwe were married just days after a crocodile bit off the bride’s arm. The only thing is they had to skip the part where the bride throws the bouquet.

The Highlands Bar & Grill in Birmingham was named the nation’s top restaurant. People were surprised. There are places to eat in Alabama besides Waffle House?

Sky News will ID celebrities at the Royal Wedding using AI. It’s already been programmed to recognize Duchess Camilla by the saddle she will be wearing.

Sky News will ID celebrities at the Royal Wedding using AI. The program recognizes the biggest celebrities as the ones who always look the most bored and withdrawn.

The EPA is dropping plans for U.S. vehicles to be rated at 54.5 mpg, stopping at 42 mpg. Mostly because there isn’t an engine yet invented that can haul around four fat Americans in a car getting that mileage that can go more than 3 miles an hour.

Starbucks is trying to attract afternoon customers. They’ll start by appealing to people who need to get caffeinated after lunch to make it through the two other jobs they are working to make ends meet.

A report says tourists pumped $22.7 Billion into the L.A. County economy in 2017. Which is exactly how much it costs for a family of four to stay in a hotel, rent a car buy Disneyland passes for a week.

The highest percentage of Americans since 2005 expect house prices to rise. Which in 2005, those same people who thought home prices would continue to rise are the ones who took out subprime loans and have been homeless ever since.

A Nebraska woman whose nose constantly ran turned out to be leaking fluid from her brain. Which means when she sneezed, she literally blew her brains out.

A U.S. panel says to leave prostate screening up to men and their doctor. And for the benefit of all concerned, no one else.

A “deodorant challenge” left a UK teen with second degree burns on her arm. Until now, the “deodorant challenge” meant how it smelled when visiting France.

 A “deodorant challenge” left a UK teen with second degree burns on her arm. From now on, people taking part in the deodorant challenge, Tide Pod challenge or any other challenge need to be regarded as mentally challenged.

The fertility rate in China has fallen to the point where it is considered a national problem. Although the country didn’t get a population of 1.4 Billion because all the women are barren.

A report estimates children bear 88% of the burden of diseases linked to climate change. No one even knew that global warming had anything to do with cooties.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from “Jersey Shore” says he is celebrating 28 months of sobriety. Which is impressive as with that crew, it usually is a result of a 28 month jail term.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from “Jersey Shore” says he is celebrating 28 months of sobriety. The real test will be when he quits showing up on the reunion shows of “Jersey Shore.”

The TV show “Lethal Weapon” has fired its main star for the start of Season 3. Which is amazing in that even the movie series was able to keep Mel Gibson through episode number 4.

Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter are reuniting for a third “Bill & Ted” movie. Apparently the plot has them saving the world by going back in time to 1989 to stop them from making the first one.

A pair of twins born in Utah on May 4th, Star Wars Day were named Rowan Luke and Kai Leia after the movie’s characters. Those kids will someday consider themselves lucky their parents weren’t fans of Jar Jar Binks.

The NFLPA says the league can’t make players stand for the National Anthem. Instead they should be more concerned about the players just being able to remember the song by the time they are 50.

The U.S. Olympic gold medal winning curling team is shuffling its lineup as vice skip Tyler George is taking a break from competition. Apparently he developed a wicked case of “broom elbow.”

Kurt Warner says he thought about returning to the NFL at age 47. To which even Brett Favre is saying “Is he serious?”

Joe Namath gave some advice to new Jets quarterback Sam Darnold. The former Jets great wanted to impress on the rookie that he still has “dibs” on Suzy Kolber.

Dustin Johnson has reportedly angered Paulina Gretzky by hitting golf balls in the house. Which shouldn’t be a problem, as long as their living room stretches out more than 350 yards.

Tiger Woods says he learned to hit the low stinger when he stole his dad’s 1-iron. To which everyone under 40 is saying “what’s a 1-iron?”

Tiger Woods says he learned to hit the low stinger when he stole his dad’s 1-iron. Although an even better move would have been if he had thought ahead to steal Elin Nordegren’s 9-iron.

A former CIA officer has been charged with espionage. Wait a minute, isn’t that pretty much their job?

Rudy Giuliani is firing back at allegations of erratic behavior. The biggest clue that he accepted a job working as Donald Trump’s lawyer.

Rudy Giuliani is firing back at allegations of erratic behavior. Are they serious? Does no one remember what he was like even back when he was Mayor of New York City?

CIA Director nominee Gina Haspel has vowed she won’t restart the enhanced interrogation program. To which Donald Trump was disappointed, saying “Not even for James Comey?”

An EPA memo claims “lashing out from passengers” prompted first class flights for Scott Pruitt. The funny part is that the EPA expects us to believe people flying coach have any idea who is in charge at the EPA.

The Senate Intelligence Committee says Russia is preparing to undermine confidence in the American voting process. To which everyone is saying what do they mean “preparing”?

The Senate Intelligence Committee says Russia is preparing to undermine confidence in the American voting process. To which they need to be told the Republicans already did that back in 2000.

AT&T says it paid Michael Cohen $200,000 in 2017 for insight into understanding the Trump Administration. That insight being that for $200,000 you can get one and a half Stormy Daniels.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is making a surprise visit to North Korea. Mostly because the only way to get most people to go to North Korea is telling them they are going to China and when the plane lands, yell “Surprise!”

Donald Trump is reportedly considering pulling Rudy Giuliani from any more TV interviews. How bad is it when a member of the Trump Administration can’t even get their message out on Fox News?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the primary elections are over. We had a crazy one in West Virginia where three Republicans were at each others’ throats to try to take on sitting Senator Joe Manchin. Things got so nasty, you would have thought they were running against Hillary Clinton. Now at least we get a bit of a break until November. Then the ads will start for 2020. And right after that, 2024. And of course, both parties are already grooming some third graders for a possible run at the White House in 2056. All I know is that I feel like I won an election every time you all remember to always keep on sending the love!




No comments: