Tuesday, May 08, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A relationship expert says the number of married women cheating on their spouse is up 40%. On the other hand, the rate of men who cheat hasn’t changed. Staying right near the usual 100%.

Scientists say hair turning gray can be a result of an overactive immune system and fear. Meaning people’s hair goes gray from worrying about getting sick and not being able to pay for the hospital bills.

Six people were shot in a parked car in Memphis. It’s the most people shot in one car since the nefarious Ringling Brothers clown massacre.

A 22 year old man set a record for solving a Rubik’s Cube in just 4.22 seconds. Which brings up the question why is a 22 year old still playing with a Rubik’s Cube?

A 22 year old man set a record for solving a Rubik’s Cube in just 4.22 seconds. Which is big news for anyone still living in 1982.

A 22 year old man set a record for solving a Rubik’s Cube in just 4.22 seconds. He learned to solve it so quickly so he wouldn’t have to look away from his cellphone screen for any more than five seconds at a time.

John McCain says he doesn’t want Donald Trump at his funeral. Which is fine because Trump could be busy attending his own funeral this next Election Day.

Israel says it fears “explosive violence” as the U.S. prepares to open its embassy in Jerusalem. Or as explosive violence is usually called in the Middle East, “Tuesday.”

A report says STDs in L.A. County are skyrocketing. Which can only mean that Paris Hilton has finally cut back on her travel schedule.

A report says hospitals are finding hypnotherapy can be used to treat some medical disorders. At the very least it can be used to make patients think they are wealthy enough to afford to pay their medical bills.

An evolutionary biologist says wildlife in cities is evolving astonishingly fast. In fact, in Pamplona last year the bulls made their trek through the streets using Uber.

North Korea says the U.S. is “ruining the mood” ahead of the upcoming summit. Although Donald Trump will attest that nothing ruins the mood like someone asking $130,000 for sex.

The world’s longest cruise will take 245 days to circumnavigate the globe for $93,000. Although for a fraction of that cost people can book a cruise on Carnival that takes 225 days just to get from Florida to Jamaica.

Warren Buffett says U.S. newspapers are “doomed.” Which is no surprise coming from an 87 year old who still gets the majority of his news over the telegraph.

A pickup truck hit a Southwest Airlines plane in Baltimore. The pilot is facing discipline for not signaling when turning from the freeway onto the off-ramp.

A study says Millennials are turned off sex, with one in eight still virgins at age 26. Mostly because it’s hard to find dates when you only leave your parents’ basement to go to your job as a Starbucks barista.

A study says Millennials are turned off sex, with one in eight still virgins at age 26. Mostly because it’s tough to get women interested while behind the wheel of your Prius as their Uber driver.

Ohio deputies sent to escort a man to the hospital ended up shooting him dead. Apparently they misunderstood and thought the dispatcher said they were taking him to the morgue.

A Texas woman won $1.2 Million on an $18 bet picking five winners on Kentucky Derby Day. She now hopes to have the same kind of luck in picking the next five people to be fired from the White House.

A man nicknamed “Captain Jack Sparrow” was arrested for huffing glue and resisting arrest in Knoxville. The only question is what was Johnny Depp doing in Tennessee?

The eruption of Kilauea in Hawaii has destroyed 26 homes. To show how expensive Hawaii real estate has gotten, when it got to the third house it had already become the most expensive natural disaster in history.

Mick Mulvaney describes his work targeting the Consumer Bureau like being “a mosquito in a nudist colony.” Which is nice to know our government officials consider themselves nothing less than bloodsucking perverts.

U.S. consumer borrowing was up $11.6 Billion in March. Which is the best sign the economy is improving when people have no problem going back into debt up to their eyeballs.

A report says nearly half of all Americans have never been schooled about credit cards. Although they get a real education fast when they see how much it costs them when they use them to pay off their college tuition loans.

A report says nearly half of all Americans have never been schooled about credit cards. The other half learned their lesson with a three subject crash course called “divorce, bankruptcy and homelessness.”

Airlines reported their second most profitable year ever in 2017. It could have been the best if United hadn’t scrapped their proposed “dead inflight pet” fee.

Warren Buffett says he would “love to own 100% of Apple.” Mostly because it’s innovative, successful and the obvious reason in it’s value is nearing $1 Trillion.

Warren Buffett says he would “love to own 100% of Apple.” As opposed to most other people who would be happy just being able to pay off their iPhone X.

Wal-Mart says it will restrict opioid prescriptions to a seven-day supply. Which gives their customers a whole week before they have to go back to using heroin, meth and tranquilizers.

A study says improved posture can fight depression. Mostly from not hearing your mother constantly saying “Sit up straight and quit slouching!”

A report says teens are switching from sugary sodas to sugary sports drinks. Which is good just in that they can now say they are doing something related to sports.

An Australian scientist has arrived in Switzerland for his planned assisted suicide after turning 104. Although at 104, doing anything that involves another person could be considered assisted suicide.

A study says eating nuts is linked to a lower rate of heart failure. That’s true. When is the last time you have seen one squirrel giving another CPR?

The number of children in Japan has dropped for the 37th straight year. Mostly because who wants kids crowding things even more when you are living in a 200 square foot studio apartment?

The number of children in Japan has dropped for the 37th straight year. Mostly because young people gave up on having sex and every other activity back in 1981 with the introduction of “Donkey Kong.”

An Alabama boy regained consciousness after his parents signed organ donation papers. To which impatient doctors said “Too late. We’re going in!”

An Alabama boy regained consciousness after his parents signed organ donation papers. Which over the years will be a tough subject to explain away when it comes up at the family dinner table.

Melania Trump has launched her “Be Best” campaign for kids. And with her family, if you can’t be best at least be born to incredibly rich parents.

Melania Trump has launched her “Be Best” campaign for kids. Which is the problem when the name is picked by someone whose native language isn’t English who doesn’t understand the concept of pronouns.

Meredith Vieira says she was “shocked” by Matt Lauer’s firing. The question being why do these reporters all know every intimate detail in the personal lives of Bill Clinton and Donald Trump but not their own coworker?

Adele celebrated her 30th birthday with a Titanic-themed party. Because what is more festive than a celebration based on a tragedy where 1500 people died at sea?

“Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Danielle Staub married her fiancée. For a show based on women labeled “housewives,” they sure seem to have a lot of episodes where they all get divorced.

A report says the owners of NASCAR are exploring selling the organization. Apparently there is just too much junk in the trunk.

A report says the owners of NASCAR are exploring selling the organization. They will sell off Danica Patrick’s car with an ad saying it was only driven 500 miles on Sunday by a 5’2” woman.

49ers linebacker Reuben Foster allegedly threw a dog across the room during a domestic incident at his home in Los Gatos. The dog was uninjured, but should learn that’s what happens when you live in a city that’s name translates to “The Cats.”

Tom Brady was mocked for the outfit he wore to the Met Gala. Although every single man on the planet would have worn exactly the same outfit if it came attached to the arm of Gisele Bundchen.

The Minnesota Vikings turned off the lights at their practice field because of neighbors’ complaints of the glow. If there’s one thing the Cleveland Browns have never dealt with, that is anyone complaining of too much crowd noise.

A report says Donald Trump is becoming increasingly frustrated with Rudy Giuliani. Even Anthony Scaramucci is telling Giuliani to keep his mouth shut.

New York Attorney general Eric Schneiderman has resigned after being accused of violent abuse after excessive drinking which he described as “role playing.” Next time he needs to pick another role besides Mike Tyson.

A poll says Donald Trump’s approval ratings over North Korea are rising. Mostly from the people who are just glad he hasn’t started a nuclear war with them yet.

Rudy Giuliani won’t rule out Donald Trump pleading the Fifth Amendment in the Mueller probe. Although there isn’t a person in the country who knows the way to make Trump talk is just bring a camera to the proceedings.

Ticketmaster says they could one day replace tickets with facial recognition. Which is going to be a real problem at a KISS concert when 10,000 fans and the band arrive wearing exactly the same stage makeup.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! What’s going on in Dodger Town? Some of my SoCal readers need to let me know what has happened this season. Going from one game away from the World Championship to struggling four games below .500. Plus Clayton Kershaw is on the Disabled List. I wonder if at least he gets one of those disabled parking placards. That would be nice. Oh, well. I just hope they get it together soon. We were so close to winning last year and this marks the 30th year since the Dodgers have won the ‘Series. Waaaayyy too long. But as a die-hard Dodger fan I am with them to the end. The only thing that can compare to them winning the ‘Series is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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