Sunday, May 06, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


California is now the world’s fifth largest economy. Mostly because it requires a yearly income of $3 Million just to qualify for a mortgage on a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

California is now the world’s fifth largest economy. Mostly all the money coming in to the porn stars being paid hush money from Donald Trump.

A report says more Americans are going without health insurance. Mostly because they are putting that on hold until after they can pay for those other luxuries like food, clothing and shelter.

A report says more Americans are going without health insurance. That’s because what makes them sick is seeing how much they are paying in monthly premiums.

A 110 year old UK woman praises friends and onions for her long life. Ironically, she has found through the years the more onions she eats, the fewer friends she has.

A 110 year old UK woman praises friends and onions for her long life. Which is hard, because who wants to hang out with a 110 year old who smells like onions?

United Airlines has apologized for a “concerning incident” involving a flight attendant. It turns out that a passenger thought the attendant was robbing them after charging them $25 for a sandwich and a drink.

The Pentagon has confirmed the Chinese fired lasers at U.S. pilots. Which caused them real stress when the cats on the flight kept chasing them around the cockpit.

A report says Mormon support for gay marriage is growing. Mostly because that leaves more women around for all the straight Mormon men to take on as wives.

Gonzaga University told students to avoid vulgar stereotypes and boorish behavior associated with Cinco de Mayo. If students want to exhibit a racist, rude and tasteless demeanor they should be like everyone else and join a fraternity.

DNA has led to the arrest of a Florida man on voter fraud charges. Which brings up the question just what was he using to mark the ballot?

A movie about Donald Trump is in the works, called “The Apprentice.” Although it isn’t known if the title refers to the TV show or his first year as President.

Mitt Romney says his favorite meat is a hot dog. Which means he either misunderstood the question or actually thinks hot dogs contain some kind of meat.

Donald Trump lauds the lowest U.S. unemployment in 18 years. It’s amazing how much work has been generated by the White House just for porn stars and lawyers.

Donald Trump excused awkward comments by Rudy Giuliani saying “He just started yesterday.” What is he, a White House lawyer or server at IHOP?

Donald Trump excused awkward comments by Rudy Giuliani saying “He’ll get his facts straight,” and that there has been “a lot of misinformation.” Apparently Giuliani was unaware of which misinformation he was supposed to be spreading.

An Ohio man was arrested for flying to Florida to smoke a joint with Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago. Whatever the guy is smoking makes him as high as the people who believe Trump will build the wall, cut the deficit and end terrorism.

A movie director in South Africa was killed on location by a giraffe. Apparently Geoffrey the Giraffe went out of control when he found out he just lost his job with Toys “R” Us.

A movie director in South Africa was killed on location by a giraffe. Which animal activists are already calling “the revenge of Cecil.”

An off-duty police officer in California pointed his gun at a man he thought was stealing some Mentos candy. The situation was resolved when the suspect imitated a Mentos commercial by sticking his finger in the gun while they broke out laughing.

A former human rights ambassador to the U.N. spoke at the Lake Superior State University commencement. After lunch, his words of advice were they could start protecting human rights by shutting down the school cafeterias.

A study says only half of all Americans have meaningful daily social interaction including extended conversations with another person. The other half are the people they are trying to talk to who are ignoring them for their cellphones.

Louisiana posted the worst economic performance in the country last year. To which Alabama, Mississippi and Kentucky said “We win!”

Apple could become the first company in history to be worth $1 Trillion. That should make everyone feel smart about paying out $1,100 for their iPhone X.

A fed official says the U.S. is living out a “Goldilocks” economy where everything is “just right.” Until the “three bears” describes the market in 2019, 2020 and 2021.

A fed official says the U.S. is living out a “Goldilocks” economy where everything is “just right.” Either that or because anyone who believes the economy is on the right track still believes in fairy tales.

Wells Fargo will pay $480 Million to settle a class action lawsuit by shareholders. The only problem for shareholders will be finding another bank that will cash the check written on a Wells Fargo fake account.

California will become the first state to mandate solar panels on new homes. The worst part is carmakers will have to install them instead of sunroofs for all the people who can only make it there by living in their car.

California will become the first state to mandate solar panels on new homes. Which is a Catch-22 to try to use solar energy to help get rid of the smog, but there isn’t enough sunlight to run the solar panels because of all the smog.

California will become the first state to mandate solar panels on new homes. The irony is when only solar energy will be used to power all the tanning salons.

A poll says only 37% of those under 35 invest in stocks. Mostly because working three minimum wage jobs to get by along with no health insurance makes it hard to come up with that $600 for one share of Google.

United Airlines has hired former White House press secretary Josh Earnest as their spokesman. Although that isn’t what was meant when people said they wanted their representatives to be more earnest.

United Airlines has hired former White House press secretary Josh Earnest as their spokesman. The problem with the airline is their customer service still feels like it is being run by Sean Spicer.

A report says armpit thermometers led to an outbreak of drug-resistant fungus at a UK hospital. The problems happened when they used them on their French patients.

A study says loneliness rivals obesity and smoking as a health risk. Especially no one wants to hang around a fat person who smells like cigarettes.

A study says eating fast food may affect women’s fertility. Which doesn’t sound right because what turns men on more than a woman with the scent of Big Mac?

A study says eating fast food may affect women’s fertility. That doesn’t sound right, because what is more attractive to a man than a woman who is up for a cheap date?

A study says women who spend more than an hour a day on social media are not as happy with their bodies. Mostly because of all the weight they gain by sitting in front of a computer looking at social media all day.

The WHO says saturated fat should be less than 10% of a person’s diet. That leaves the other 90% of their diet to be made up with the traditional salt and sugar.

Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson are “fully back together” following a cheating scandal and baby. Meaning they now have a theme to follow for the upcoming season of “The Kardashians.”

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will postpone their Royal Honeymoon after their wedding. Mostly because they figure why rush when they will have the rest of their lives to travel and pretty much do nothing.

Buckingham Palace is reportedly worried about a sex scene in the upcoming Lifetime movie about Harry and Meghan Markle. They just want to be sure it is in the Royal tradition of being in the missionary position with no talking or kissing.

Buckingham Palace is reportedly worried about a sex scene in the upcoming Lifetime movie about Harry and Meghan Markle. Mostly because it will be the only Lifetime movie where the woman isn’t abused or seeking revenge.

Sebastian Stan says he was worried when his friend Tom Hiddleston dated Taylor Swift. He said it was the most tension filled three days of his life.

Sebastian Stan says he was worried when his friend Tom Hiddleston dated Taylor Swift. He was hoping they would at least be together long enough for Hiddleston to have a whole album written about the breakup.

Kris Jenner says the scandal with Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson was “completely unexpected.” Really? What could possibly be unexpected after Kim’s 72 day marriage, Lamar Odom’s overdose and Bruce Jenner becoming Caitlyn?

Tickets for “Solo” went on sale on Star Wars day, May 4th. Which it turns out, “Solo” is not only the film’s title but how most “Star Wars” fans go to see it.

The NHL has told the Bruins’ Brad Marchand to quit licking opponents. He says he would rather lick the goalposts but is worried his tongue might get frozen stuck.

Allen Iverson is offering advice to the 76ers Ben Simmons after only scoring one point in a playoff game. The advice is, to score more just shoot the ball 50 times a game like Iverson and a few of them have to go in.

Four Dodger pitchers combined for a no-hitter against San Diego. How bad is your team when the opposing starter doesn’t think the prospect of a no-hitter is worth staying in a few more innings?

The Celtics’ Kyrie Irving has gotten his own box of Wheaties. Irving is excited because it comes in a box he describes as “Earth-shaped.”

Sean Spicer knocked reporter April Ryan for being “more interested in personal fame.” After which he had to cut his interview short so he could apply again to be considered for “Dancing With The Stars.”

Donald Trump celebrated Cinco de Mayo by lauding “significant contributions by Mexican Americans to the U.S.” Meaning by staying on their side of the border.

Donald Trump celebrated Cinco de Mayo by lauding “significant contributions by Mexican Americans to the U.S.” Meaning the ones who keep the greens in such great shape at Mar-a-Lago.

Donald Trump celebrated Cinco de Mayo by lauding “significant contributions by Mexican Americans to the U.S.” At least as soon as they get done paying for the wall.

Donald Trump promised to drive the cost of drugs in the U.S. “way down.” To which most people are saying “We want to be prescribed whatever he’s using.”

James Comey says it’s “not OK” for Donald Trump to lie and attack the rule of law. To which Trump says after it won him the nomination and the election, why stop now?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I made it through this round of jokes even though I am battling a cold. But if I need to get these gags out to save the world from Washington, D.C. and corporate America, no price is too high to pay. I love how I get through the winter fine and as soon as it gets warmer I get ill. Go figure. I will work through this as usual because I know that you all depend on these jokes to get you through the day. Or keep you company in the bathroom. I don’t want to know. I know deep down you appreciate my efforts to provide some humor. Or this. And I appreciate it when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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