Friday, May 04, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Rudy Giuliani says that Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner is “disposable.” Which is an interesting term as both Giuliani and Trump usually save that description to talk about their former wives.

Donald Trump has hired Bill Clinton’s impeachment attorney. When Trump promised to create jobs, no one knew he meant by hiring half the lawyers in D.C.

The number of Americans receiving unemployment aid is at the lowest since 1973. Mostly because the majority of workers finally saw their benefits expire after being out of a job for 45 years.

A report says one in six U.S. retirees is a millionaire. Which means they have about five years before they realize health care costs have taken all their money and end up greeting customers at Wal-Mart.

A report says one in six U.S. retirees is a millionaire. The other five aren’t really retired but call it that since they haven’t been able to find work since they turned 55.

Kim Kardashian has teamed up with Jared Kushner to take on prison reform. Mostly because they are both worried that one day Kanye West and Kushner may be sharing a cell.

Kim Kardashian has teamed up with Jared Kushner to take on prison reform. Although with her husband and his father-in-law, they may find it more fitting to take on mental health.

A report says tourism to Las Vegas is down, which some blame on high hotel parking rates. Which really isn’t a factor since most people end up having to sell their cars to cover gambling debts before they leave town anyway.

A poll says 46% of Americans favor government jobs for all. Which makes sense as those are the 46% of Americans who currently work for the federal government.

A poll says 46% of Americans favor government jobs for all. The other 54% would support it as long as it’s paid for by getting rid of all the people working in Congress.

A study says frequent saunas may cut stroke risk. Except for men whose wives hit them in the head with a frying pan when they see who they are with in the sauna.

A report says the elderly lose $37 Billion a year to fraud. And that is just the money they are talked into handing out to their children and grandchildren.

A report says the elderly lose $37 Billion a year to fraud. Which is offset by the promise of the $10 Trillion they are counting on getting back from all the donations they have made to the Nigerian princes.

The New York Times says revenue from the growth of digital subscriptions has been rising. Which is another boost in the economy from Trump because of all the people who want to read the latest dirt coming out of the White House.

A report says pirate radio stations are exploding on YouTube. Apparently those are the ones that play sea shanties while the DJ introduces every song with “Aargh!”

A study says plants “talk” to each other with underground signals. Although when two marijuana plants are put next to each other they both just keep giggling.

A Brazilian man has lived in a sand castle the past 22 years. The only problem is that he has to rebuild every time there is a high tide.

A Brazilian man has lived in a sand castle the past 22 years. The best part of the house is that he keeps the floors immaculate by constantly waxing.

Giant rodents have invaded an Italian town where the mayor suggests the solution is eating them. No one even knew there was a plan for Taco Bell to expand to Italy.

A study says sex is a big part of life for people over 65. Especially the ones who missed out on it in their younger years because they were married.

A study says sex is a big part of life for people over 65. The problem is for the men who have to figure out how to spend the other 23 hours and 57 minutes in the day.

A study says sex is a big part of life for people over 65. The problem is for the seniors who want to have sex but don’t like the idea of having to do it with someone who is also over 65.

Cellphone warnings are being issued after the rate of malignant brain tumors has doubled. Which will probably be ignored since people don’t seem to care their cellphones also caused their car crash, divorce and the fact they have no friends.

A 19 year old UK woman stabbed her boyfriend during sex after saying men should “only be used for human sacrifice.” To which men who think about sex with a 19 year old woman would say, “That’s a small price to pay.”

A study says Artificial Intelligence can predict a personality by scanning their eyes. The ones labeled “boring” are the ones who can’t even keep their eyes open through the entire test.

A report says Israel and Iran are on a path to war if Middle Eastern tensions grow. In other words, it’s pretty much business as usual like it’s been the past 5,000 years.

A Florida man was arrested for practicing Karate on swans, kicking them in the head. He didn’t even have the right kind of bird as he kept yelling out “Duck!”

Bill Cosby and Roman Polanski have been expelled from the Film Academy. Although it wasn’t specified if it was for their behavior or for making “Fearless Vampire Killers” and “Ghost Dad.”

The Illinois Senate has passed a bill requiring LGBT history to be taught in public schools. Which for most just means showing classrooms reruns of “I Am Cait.”

The first spam e-mail was sent out 40 years ago. The good news is the e-mails have resulted in doubling the GDP and freed thousands of prisoners in Nigeria alone.

A Kansas man was tased by police while trying to have sex with a car’s tailpipe. Although he was easy to subdue because the whole process left him exhausted.

A report says high housing costs are driving out lower income Californians. The worst part about that is living in a state where the poverty line is $250,000 a year.

Conan O’Brien’s talk show is cutting back to a half hour a night. Apparently producers wanted to give the writers a break on their workload and make it so they only have to steal half as many jokes.

Kevin Hart says he is in “disbelief” after his friend tried to extort him. It was the biggest case of extortion involving Kevin Hart since he took a paycheck for “Ride Along 2.”

The Cars’ Ric Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova say they have “peacefully separated” after 28 years of marriage. What kind of language is that? Are they talking about a divorce or a funeral?

The Cars’ Ric Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova say they have “peacefully separated” after 29 years of marriage. That even makes “conscious uncoupling” sound normal.

Houston’s James Harden slapped away a cellphone from a fan who called him a “flopper.” Which means if it was a flip phone, that makes Harden a flip-flopper.

The NBA has warned Drake about using “bad language” after an incident with Cleveland’s Kendrick Perkins. How white is NBA Commissioner Adam Silver to actually tell a rapper with a straight face to watch his language?

The NBA has warned Drake about using “bad language” after an incident with Cleveland’s Kendrick Perkins. Telling a rapper like Drake to watch his language would have the same career effect as telling Perkins to shoot left handed.

The Jets waived Bryce Petty leaving them with four quarterbacks on the team. That goes with the new team strategy of using one for each down to see if any of them can complete a pass.

The Cleveland Browns are reportedly looking at a new stadium or renovating the current one which opened in 1999. Not only is the stadium only 19 years old, the pennant flagpoles are all still like new.

A New Jersey high school superintendent was busted defecating on the football field of a rival school. Apparently he wanted to participate with the team but misunderstood when the coach said all the players needed to do more squats.

A New Jersey high school superintendent was busted defecating on the football field of a rival school. Apparently he was trying to do them a favor by getting them off to a fast start with the spring fertilizing season.

The Yankees and Red Sox are set to play against each other in London in June of 2019. Which both teams are just hoping they are lucky enough to get in a full game without a rainout by August.

The Yankees and Red Sox are set to play against each other in London in June of 2019. The worst part is when the UK fans realize that Red Sox and Yankees fans make even the most die-hard Scottish soccer hooligan look like a bunch of pansies.

Pac-12 revenues topped $500 Million for the first time last year. That isn’t the only milestone the conference reached. It was also the first time that more than seven athletes actually were awarded diplomas.

The Mets’ Yoenis Cespedes was wearing an expensive necklace that broke while he was sliding into second base, with other players helping pick up the pieces. The hard part was finding all those small diamonds in the middle of a big diamond.

The Mets’ Yoenis Cespedes was wearing an expensive diamond necklace that broke while he was sliding into second base, with other players helping pick up the pieces. Next time he should just stick to pearls.

Rudy Giuliani says there is a 50/50 chance Robert Mueller will subpoena Donald Trump. The worst part is the odds were 10% until Giuliani spilled the beans about Trump and the Stormy Daniels payoff on TV.

Mike Pence says there is “prayer on a regular basis at the White House.” Especially when Donald Trump gets within an arms’ length of the nuclear football.

Mississippi Senator Roger Wicker says he lost money in a fraud scheme. Now he knows how all the U.S. taxpayers feel.

Mississippi Senator Roger Wicker says he lost money in a fraud scheme. The worst part is he was “this close” to getting the cousin of that Nigerian prince out of prison.

Donald Trump says he reimbursed Michael Cohen for $130,000, but didn’t know it was for hush money for Stormy Daniels. How was he to know that paying off the lawyer trying to keep Daniels quiet might end up going to Daniels?

Donald Trump says the money given to Stormy Daniels by Michael Cohen was to stop her from making “false accusations.” Because the normal reaction when someone starts threatening you with lies is to give them $130,000.

Twitter is telling all 336 Million users to change their password. Which means the people using “12345” should change to “qwerty” the ones using “qwerty” should go to “12345.”

Stormy Daniels says Michael Cohen is not qualified to “clean up her horse’s manure.” That’s not true. It can’t be any tougher than his current job of cleaning up after Donald Trump.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another day of top notch quality jokes. Just not here. But at least the price is right. Or is it? I just hope you don’t all start demanding money to log in every day. At least it’s Friday. Time for a weekend to rest and relax and get ready to make fun of the world again. And nothing makes me feel more refreshed than when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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