Thursday, May 31, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Roseanne is blaming seven personalities for her racist tweets. Her plan is for one of the other six to try to get another show on the air at ABC.

A report says large amounts of health food can do more harm than good. Which is not a problem as healthy people don’t eat a lot of food, and people who eat a lot aren’t eating health foods.

China has overtaken the U.S. in life expectancy from birth for the first time. At least if you’re not a girl.

 China has overtaken the U.S. in life expectancy from birth for the first time. Mostly because it’s hard to argue with the fact there are 1.4 Billion of them who haven’t died yet.

A gay executive at the parent company of Coach reportedly repeatedly sexually harassed a straight vice president. How was he to know there was someone in the fashion industry who is straight?

Researchers say people wearing glasses are more intelligent. Mostly because the ones who can’t read have no reason to ever need to wear glasses.

Researchers say people wearing glasses are more intelligent. Just ask any of the researchers in the study who are guaranteed to all be wearing glasses.

Singapore Airlines will launch the longest commercial flight from Singapore to New York which will take 19 hours. It beats the current record of 18 hours from L.A. to San Francisco on United which takes 18 hours, 17 of those on the tarmac.

A Taco Bell manager in Chicago stabbed a coworker in an argument over a woman. Although he isn’t being charged with attempted murder, because if he wanted to kill him he would have just made him eat a Chalupa.

5G tech is causing fears that cancer could be caused by more powerful cell towers. Although they are still not as bad for people’s health as sitting around all day using 5G to binge watch Netflix.

A Scottish hospital has opened a rehab clinic to treat cryptocurrency addicts. The worst part is they only accept payment with Bitcoins.

A hiker with a shattered pelvis was able to survive in the California desert by drinking her own urine. Doctors say it could have been worse. She could have been hurt with only tap water to drink in Flint, Michigan.

A robotic chef at CaliBurger restaurants can make 300 burgers a day. The company is now looking for additional robots that can perform CPR and act as defibrillators.

The runner-up for Venezuelan president is asking the Supreme Court for a new election. To which Hillary Clinton is saying “They can do that?”

A conspirator in a large-scale healthcare fraud scheme in New Jersey has been sentenced to two years in prison. His lawyers told him to get away with that, next time he needs to become the CEO of a hospital or insurance company.

A report says Social Security is paying benefits to hundreds of dead people. To which people in Chicago say if they can still vote, they should still get paid.

A report says Social Security is paying benefits to hundreds of dead people. Which is more than offset by the number of Americans whose lifestyle gives them no chance of ever living to retirement age.

A U.S. envoy is urging Iraqi leaders to form an inclusive new government. To which the Iraqis are saying “You first!”

Mitch McConnell says it is premature to talk about Donald Trump winning the Nobel Peace Prize. To which Democrats are still saying it is premature to admit Trump won the election.

The maker of Ambien blasted Rosanne blaming her tweets on the sleep aid, saying “racism isn’t a side effect of the drug.” Which is ironic in that the real side effects of nausea, vomiting and depression are now actually caused by Roseanne’s tweets.

Valerie Jarrett says Roseanne’s tweets should be turned into “a teaching moment.” To which losing her show, royalties and hundreds of jobs shows she is already learning a pretty expensive lesson.

Friday is National Doughnut Day. Or as most Americans know National Doughnut Day, “What day is today?”

Friday is National Doughnut Day. The other 364 days of the year are split up between Regional and Local Doughnut Days.

Michigan is spending $8 Million to find a solution to mobility problems in the state. The biggest one being people trying to figure a way to get out of Michigan.

Fiat Chrysler is said to be forming its own captive lending unit. Which they already have with sentencing people to five years of captivity paying off a loan for a Fiat or Chrysler that still doesn’t run.

A study says Artificial Intelligence is better than doctors at detecting skin cancer. Apparently the machines are better at recognizing a problem with patients who have skin with the same texture as a baseball mitt.

A report says customer satisfaction with airlines is rising as long as inflight entertainment is good. Which is good for United and their customers who love the action of seeing other passengers beaten and dragged off the plane.

Wal-Mart is offering access to college degrees to workers for a dollar a day. The only problem is the degrees offered only get the workers a job at the Dollar Tree.

Wal-Mart is offering access to college degrees to workers for a dollar a day. The problem is the reason for Wal-Mart employees to get a college education is so they can get a job somewhere other than Wal-Mart.

A study says reading books and playing board games may help prevent dementia. Mostly because the only people who read books and play board games are under 10.

Allergan has recalled birth control pills that were incorrectly packaged. Which is ironic that bad packaging can result in an unexpected bundle of joy.

Another drug to prevent migraines is showing promise. The only problem is reading all the new studies about migraine prevention is giving researchers all a headache.

A poll says seniors are slow to embrace online access to doctors. Of course, those are the people whose most recent technology is a VCR that constantly flashes “12:00.”

The latest craze in China is six-pack abs for women. In America, six-pack abs are harder to achieve because people consume too many six-packs.

Kim Kardashian visited the White House. Since Donald Trump had a reality show and no athletes will ever show up, the White House guest list is limited to the Kardashians and cast members from “Duck Dynasty” and “Honey Boo Boo.”

ABC canceled the reboot of “Roseanne” because of her racist tweets. Which means her reboot just got the boot.

“NCIS” star Mark Harmon says he avoids social media in order to maintain a private life. And as opposed to Roseanne, also a career.

Harvey Weinstein’s attorney has advised him to not testify at a grand jury hearing. If he is a good attorney he also advised him to leave the country with a sackful of cash.

Roseanne says she feels bad for Donald Trump because he goes through what she is dealing with every day. To which people are saying “We can cancel Trump?”

Roseanne says she feels bad for Donald Trump because he goes through what she is dealing with every day. Which apparently she doesn’t realize can be fixed by not sending out dumb and insensitive tweets.

David Copperfield has been ruled not liable for a tourist’s injuries during a show in Las Vegas. Apparently the judge felt the plaintiff previously showed wanton disregard for his health being seen earlier in the day in line at the casino buffet.

Rays outfielder Carlos Gomez says MLB drug testing is not random and targets older and Latin players. His proof is that Bartolo Colon has been cited three times for testing positive for Centrum Silver.

A lawyer says an NFL owner didn’t sign Colin Kaepernick after Donald Trump said he should be fired. Is there anything Trump gets his hands into that doesn’t involve collusion?

NFL owners say Donald Trump drove their policy decision on the National Anthem. The owners like Trump because he is the first President who always looks like he is wearing a football helmet.

NFL owners say Donald Trump drove their policy decision on the National Anthem. Trump says the only person he ever wanted to see on their knees is Stormy Daniels.

76ers executive Bryan Colangelo is being accused of trashing his own players on an anonymous Twitter account. The good news is that at least he isn’t in danger of losing his TV show on ABC.

NFL owners say Donald Trump is behind the league’s policy on the National Anthem. If he is so worried about the song being played at sporting events, why isn’t it blaring in the background while he is hitting off the first tee?

Alabama officials have been ordered to release information about the state’s execution protocol. To which the state says it’s all pretty much based on the legal standard of “He needed killin’.”

Rudy Giuliani says he counseled Donald Trump against firing Jeff Sessions. Apparently he thought it would look better if Trump had at least one hire who wasn’t let go.

Congress is considering lowering the age to drive a big rig truck to prevent a national shortage. The new standard only demands that anyone can drive as long as they are able to reach the pedals.

Mildred Council, a pillar of southern cooking has died at age 89. People had only one question. How did anyone living on a diet of Southern food live to be 89?

A study says obese people enjoy food less than those who are lean. Which proves the saying, familiarity breeds contempt.

A study says obese people enjoy food less than those who are lean. You just wouldn’t know it by looking.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the last day of May. Where did the time go? I mean the time other than that I wasted writing these poor attempts at humor. We may never know. Or care. I am just glad you give me your time to check out the jokes every day. Feel free to pass along the site to friends and coworkers so I can compile a daily readership in the triple digits. From there I will keep pursuing my goal of 7 Billion daily hits. It could happen. In the meantime, it is never a waste of time when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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