Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Coca-Cola has started selling its first alcoholic drink. Apparently it’s just too difficult for some people to pour some into a glass along with a shot of rum.

A study says the Atkins Diet may raise the risk of fatal heart disease. Although after losing all that weight on the diet, people will look great on display in their coffin.

A study says the Atkins Diet may raise the risk of fatal heart disease. Who could have possibly imagined that would be the result of eating four pounds of meat every day?

A study says health supplements like vitamins off no benefits but cause no harm, either. Which makes it worth it just to be eating something you don’t have to worry will kill you.

A study says health supplements like vitamins off no benefits but cause no harm, either. Which is exactly what they said about the kid in grade school who sat there eating Elmer’s glue all day.

Data says people all over the world are not ready for retirement. Mostly because with Donald Trump in the White House, the question is whether the planet will still be around when they retire.

Data says people all over the world are not ready for retirement. The ones who are have devised a way to keep living to their projected retirement age of 93.

L.A. has the best buying power of the world’s top metropolitan areas. Mostly for the climate where people are able to just set up a tent in the park year round without having to worry about heating or air conditioning.

De Beers will start selling diamonds made in a lab. Don’t we already have that? It’s called cubic zirconia.

A study says pension funds could run dry in an economic downturn. That is more bad news for the three people who still actually work where they have a pension.

An antitrust professor says the proposed $85 Billion merger between AT&T and Time Warner is in trouble. People were surprised. Who actually thinks AT&T and Time Warner have a net worth of $85 Billion?

A new find shows the skeleton of a man crushed by a stone while trying to flee Vesuvius in 79 AD. To which the people in Hawaii are saying do they have to show those pictures now?

Televangelist Jesse Duplantis is seeking donations to buy a $54 Million private jet. Who does he think he is, a member of the Trump Cabinet?

A Rhode Island man who was clowning around a mall escalator fell to his death. Fortunately, no one else was hurt as it was in a mall where it wasn’t like there were any other people nearby.

A lawyer says Harvey Weinstein had a romantic relationship with a woman who is accusing him of rape. Although to Weinstein, a romantic relationship means after having sex, he gave her his card.

A 93 year old Ohio veteran received his high school diploma. Which made him happy in that he can use it to get a job that will take him to his retirement age of 97.

A burglar in Maine ate three pizzas and some ice cream in a Methodist church before vandalizing it. He previously tried a Catholic church but it’s hard to get full when all they have to eat are those communion wafers.

A burglar in Maine ate three pizzas and some ice cream in a Methodist church before vandalizing it. The church is asking people to pray for the person, who will need it for when they get sent to prison for five years for burglarizing a church.

Mississippi anticipates a low number of voters for its upcoming primary. In fact, so far only 6,000 people sent in their “X” to apply for an absentee ballot.

Seven people were killed and 32 injured in Chicago over the Memorial Day weekend. Which means they may start a separate Memorial Day in the city for all the people who don’t make it through Memorial Day weekend.

ABC dropped Roseanne’s show after she sent out racist tweets. They were so bad, Donald Trump had to tell she might want to rethink tweeting at 5:00 in the morning.

ABC dropped Roseanne’s show after she sent out racist tweets. To which network executives said “Why couldn’t they have been sent by someone from “Alex, Inc.?”

ABC dropped Roseanne’s show after she sent out racist tweets. To which Democrats are saying if it caused Roseanne to be fired, can they do the same thing to Donald Trump?

The father of the child rescued from a Paris balcony was reportedly out playing Pokemon Go. It looks like next, he may be playing Pokemon Go Directly to Jail.

The televangelist who wants a $54 Million private jet says Jesus wouldn’t be riding a donkey today, he would be in an airplane. To which most Christians are saying Jesus probably doesn’t really need a jet to get around.

An amusement park in Ohio lost power for several minutes which left dozens stranded on a roller coaster. Which at least gave those people the same sensation as what it is like to be on Donald Trump’s White House staff.

The U.S. Navy says a Chinese warship maneuvered in an “unprofessional” manner, although there was no risk of collision. To which the Navy is asking them if they can show some of our commanders how to do that.

A growing number of sober programs support college students recovering from addiction. Mostly by diverting the money they would normally use for drugs and making them use it to pay off all their college loans.

A study says loud music at restaurants is more likely to make customers order pizza over salad. Mostly because it’s so much easier to stuff some pizza dough in your ears than some lettuce, carrots and tomatoes.

Starbucks closed 8,000 stores on Tuesday for “unconscious bias” training. As opposed to the Waffle House which spent the day schooling workers on their policy of deliberate bias.

Starbucks closed 8,000 stores on Tuesday for “unconscious bias” training. One positive result was all the Starbucks customers who finding their store closed had the dilemma of what to do with the extra $300 in their pocket.

The $66 Billion merger between Bayer and Monsanto has won conditional approval from the DOJ. The good news is that Bayer stock should go up with all the managers needing to buy cases of aspirin to not screw up a $66 Billion merger.

The Secretary of State for Mississippi says businesses there want well-educated workers. Which means they need to lean on local school districts to make sure more students are staying in at least through the third grade.

The Secretary of State for Mississippi says businesses there want well-educated workers. They want it so that at least half the employees can spell “Mississippi.”

Papua, New Guinea has banned Facebook for a month to study the impact on the country’s population. Which in effect makes the inhabitants New Guinea pigs.

Sweden’s newest beer is made using recycled sewage water. Which makes sense because that is where most of it will end up a few minutes after drinking anyways.

Sweden’s newest beer is made using recycled sewage water. To which the makers of Budweiser are saying “recycled?”

Starbucks store closings cost the company an estimated $12 Million in lost profits. Which using simple math means that a $12 Latte only brings the company a profit of just over a nickel.

Starbucks store closings cost the company an estimated $12 Million in lost profits. Which is nothing compared to the hundreds of billions of dollars lost by all the companies whose employees couldn’t get out of bed without their Starbucks fix.

Sonic Drive-Ins will start taking orders over smartphones. Which means they are trying to speed up their service to super Sonic.

Allergan has recalled birth control pills because of the risk of pregnancy. Which is about the same as taking Nyquil at night and waking up with pneumonia.

Allergan has recalled birth control pills because of the risk of pregnancy. Dissatisfied customers are asking for a refund for the purchase price along with the $233,610 it takes to raise a child to 18.

Chiefs lineman Laurent Duvernay-Tardif has become the first active NFL player to hold a medical degree. Which works out well as he can hit an opposing player as hard as he wants and then write them a prescription for opioids.

A study says states that have tough DUI laws save lives. Although no matter how tough California gets with drunk drivers, it still can’t change the fact its residents include Mel Gibson, Nick Nolte and Lindsay Lohan.

A report says one million people in France quit smoking last year. Now if they could get those same people to instead take up using a razor and can of deodorant.

A report questions if yawns are really contagious. The real challenge is to keep from yawning for anyone who actually tries to read the report.

A study says the best way to get over a breakup is to think negative thoughts of your ex. Which shouldn’t be hard to do, especially when the ex in question left you for someone else and took the house, car and dog.

A study says the best way to get over a breakup is to think negative thoughts of your ex. Which could even lead to a whole new career as a country songwriter.

A surgeon in India removed 4,000 gallstones from a male patient. Doctors say they have never seen someone exhibiting so much gall.

Studies say online dating can lower self-esteem and increase depression. Especially when going out on a date and seeing how different they look than the 20 year old photo-shopped profile picture they used.

Jack Nicklaus says Tiger Woods has to learn how to win again. Which is expecting a lot considering it’s taken him the past year just to learn to drive his SUV again.

Tennis player Jack Sock told the umpire in his match at the French Open “You’re atrocious.” To which John McEnroe says it shows promise but still has a long way to go to beat “You are the pits!” and “You cannot be SERIOUS!”

Tennis player Jack Sock told the umpire in his French Open match, “You’re atrocious.” To which the umpire should have just told him to put a Sock in it.

A UK man won his 22nd downhill cheese wheel chase, tearing a calf muscle in the process. Which isn’t hard to believe that someone isn’t in the greatest shape from spending their time catching and eating cheese wheels.

Kobe Bryant says he is writing a book. Which is a lot different than just 15 years ago when the only book he was concerned about was the one the judge was ready to throw at him.

The Houston Astrodome has been designated a historic Texas landmark. Mostly because the teams playing there made the Alamo look like it had a winning record.

A report says Super Bowl LII brought in a record $350 Million to the local Minnesota economy. And that was just the going rate for two tickets, cab fare and a hotel room for the weekend.

A report says Super Bowl LII brought in a record $350 Million to the local Minnesota economy. And that was just for the people who arrived in Minnesota in February and realized they would need to buy another three coats, hats and pairs of gloves.

Ukraine tennis player Dmytro Badanov has been banned for life after being accused of fixing tennis matches. A similar punishment could await his manager and brother Boris Badanov.

Ukraine tennis player Dmytro Badanov has been banned for life after being accused of fixing tennis matches. The man was last ranked at 463rd in the world. It would have been suspicious of a match fixing if he ever actually won.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Boy, Roseanne really stepped in it this time. Sending out racist tweets about Valerie Jarrett, to which most people have absolutely no idea who Valerie Jarrett is. I love Roseanne, she is very funny and extremely talented. Which makes me wonder how she could have done something so dumb? That is the one area most people know you cannot breach, and by doing that not only shot down her show but put all of her hard working crew out of business. The best advice…stay off social media. It is full of nuts, trolls and complete morons. Notice I am not mentioning names but I think my point is made. Now you can make your point by remembering to always keep on sending the love!




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