Thursday, May 03, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Robert Mueller has reportedly warned he may subpoena Donald Trump, the key focus being on obstruction. Which is different than Trump constantly looking for a way to obstruct Robert Mueller.

 Robert Mueller has reportedly warned he may subpoena Donald Trump, the key focus being on obstruction. Which is different than what goes on in Congress where obstruction isn’t so much a crime as a way of doing business.

Facebook has begun rating news organizations by trust. Which is pretty bold for a site which just lost all its own credibility giving away users’ personal information.

Facebook launched an initiative asking if every post contains “hate speech.” Which the answer is the only posts that aren’t hate speech are cat videos or pictures of what people ate for breakfast.

The World Health Organization says 90% of the world population is breathing polluted air. Mostly because the only way for most people to breathe clean air is move to rural areas where there are no Starbucks.

Investigators are puzzled by thousands of dead fish that appeared in Baltimore Harbor. Apparently the current just shifted to bring water down from New Jersey.

Flies in operating rooms inside a VA hospital in L.A. caused several surgeries to be postponed. This is one time being a fly on the wall didn’t just get to hear the decision but helped make it in the first place.

Tom Brady says he doesn’t follow the NFL like he used to. Possibly because with a $14 Million salary and supermodel wife he might actually find something better to do with his spare time.

Kanye West says he became addicted to opioids following liposuction. The only question is did he have the liposuction on his midsection or head?

The Boy Scouts are planning to drop the “Boy” from their name. They got the idea after the last election when the United States pretty much dropped the “United.”

A study says two thirds of public school 8th graders are not proficient in math and reading. To which the kids are saying “That’s almost half!”

A study says two thirds of public school 8th graders are not proficient in math and reading. The good news is the 8th graders just need to do their best for another two years before they can legally drop out.

A walkout is planned by U.S. students who back the Second Amendment. Which is good because that is the only time the other kids in school feel safe.

China is set to dominate the robot industry, which could wipe out millions of jobs Which is fine with them since those are mostly jobs they stole from the U.S. anyway.

A Southwest Airlines flight made an emergency landing in Cleveland. Mostly because all airlines consider any landing in Cleveland an emergency.

A Southwest Airlines flight bound for Newark made an emergency landing in Cleveland. To which passengers were stuck when it came to figuring out which of those scenarios was worse.

A report says some members of Congress are sleeping in their offices because they “can’t afford an apartment.” Which shows they aren’t working as hard as the other who figured out how to make ends meet with bribes, kickbacks and payoffs.

Kim Kardashian reportedly is “worried” about Kanye West’s behavior. The only question for most people being what took her so long?

The Palestinian president gave a speech many condemned as being anti-Semitic. Otherwise known as a speech by the Palestinian president.

Charges were reduced on a Southern California couple living with three children in a shack in the desert. Mostly because if they move that shack to the San Fernando Valley it is suddenly a $650,000 modular condo.

House Republicans have nominated Donald Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize. Mostly just because he made it this far in his presidency without pushing the Button.

Louisiana has received three proposals to replace its voting machines. Apparently they want to make it easier for dead people to cast their ballots.

Starbucks has reached a settlement with two black men who were arrested for sitting in the store and not ordering. Apparently they were offered $500,000 or a month of large mocha lattes, whichever is worth more.

White House lawyer Ty Cobb says he is retiring. How bad is it for Donald Trump when his legal team doesn’t just resign, they leave the profession?

Storm and Tyrone, two horses that will be used in the upcoming Royal Wedding have become Internet sensations. The sad part is the announcement of those two horses means there will be no official duties in the wedding for Duchess Camilla.

Donald Trump’s former doctor says he feels “raped, frightened and sad” after his offices were raided. The good news is that people Trump makes feel like that usually end up being paid $130,000.

Donald Trump’s former doctor says he feels “raped, frightened and sad” after his offices were raided. It sounds like not only did Trump dictate his medical memo, he also wrote the doctor’s reaction.

Hawaii has passed a bill banning some types of sunscreen to protect its coral reefs. The question is what are they going to do with all that sunburned coral?

Hawaii has passed a bill banning some types of sunscreen to protect its coral reefs. The real question being when will the state finally see fit to ban Spam?

A report says there is a good chance gasoline will rise to $3 a gallon. When Donald Trump promised jobs, no one knew he meant all the Uber drivers who would be needed to chauffeur around everyone who can’t afford their own car.

Molson Coors stock tanked over weak beer sales. Which is what you get when your top brand is Coors which amounts to sales of weak beer.

The CEO of Boeing has vowed to end late shipments on 737s. The sad part is that Boeing can deliver the planes to United Airlines months late and still have them arrive before the scheduled flights actually manage to take off.

Schools offering energy industry degrees are switching from petroleum to wind and solar. Mostly because it’s a lot easier to find sources of solar energy than it is to find oil because all you have to do is “look up.”

United Airlines has banned 50 types of dogs and cats from flights after several animal-related incidents. For one thing, the airline discourages any dog or cat that is actually still alive.

One person has reportedly died from the E.coli romaine lettuce outbreak. The bad part about that is it has just given tens of millions of people another excuse to never eat a salad.

A study says humans arrived in the Philippines thousands of years before previously thought. No one even knew that long ago early humans were already interested in mail order brides.

Researchers say Millennials continue to tan, saying young people are basing their decision on emotions and feelings, rather than logic and reason. In other words they are young people.

The Justice Department is reportedly looking for a judgment against Lance Armstrong’s former manager. Apparently he was guilty of pumping up more than just Armstrong’s bicycle tires.

Danica Patrick says she is settling into driving Indy cars again, but needs work in traffic. So do the other drivers, who have to learn to navigate their way past her car that always has the emergency flashers on.

Danica Patrick says she is settling into driving Indy cars again, but needs work in traffic. The good part is when she is racing she never has to use the rear view mirror to see who is behind her.

A report says jockey Mike Smith is the most in-demand to ride in big horse races. Is the jockey really that important? That’s like setting the odds on Tiger Woods winning a golf tournament based on whom he is using to caddie.

A high school baseball player is suing his coach for telling him to slide which caused an injury. In a related story, Dodger fans are bringing a lawsuit against Tommy Lasorda for letting Tom Niedenfuer pitch to Jack Clark.

A high school baseball player is suing his coach for telling him to slide, which caused an injury. Mostly because when he told him to slide he was in math class.

Ben Roethlisberger says he plans to play another 3-5 years in the NFL. Which oddly enough is the same amount of time he was facing when he skated on those charges of assaulting a woman back in 2008.

Cleveland Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer says sticky substances should be allowed to use on the ball. Although the Indians might win more games if their pitchers weren’t eating chocolate bars while on the mound.

A study says wood frogs hold in urine all winter as a survival mechanism. And you thought it was tough to sit through an entire movie without getting up to pee.

British schools are removing analog clocks because teenagers are unable to use them to tell time. The question is, why do teens even need clocks when they sleep until noon and spend the rest of the day playing video games?

British schools are removing analog clocks because teenagers are unable to use them to tell time. You’ll know it’s gotten out of hand when Big Ben is replaced by a Rolex-sponsored digital LED.

British schools are removing analog clocks because teenagers are unable to use them to tell time. The question is who even needs a clock in a country run by a monarchy that sets them back to the 15th Century?

Yale is revoking the honorary degree it gave to Bill Cosby, the first time that has happened since the school’s 1701 founding. How bad is it for Cosby when they take back his honorary degree and let George W. Bush keep his real one?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another pretty good day for the jokes, if you ask me. But I will admit I am a little biased. It’s amazing how the material for jokes varies from day to day in the news. Fortunately, good or bad it is a saving grace for writers like me that we have Donald Trump in office. That is comedy gold. Barack Obama, not so funny. George W. Bush. Hilarious. Bill Clinton, a gold mine because he also brought Hillary along. George H. W. Bush, not so much. Reagan, another windfall. You get the idea. Some people are just funny, others not. Hopefully you think what I write about all those people is, and you will keep coming back. Of course, I also hope you all will remember to always keep on sending the love!



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