Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Harvey Weinstein has been arrested for sex crimes, to which has lawyer says “bad behavior is not on trial.” To which most criminals will say yeah, actually pretty much bad behavior is what you are usually in court for.

Harvey Weinstein has been arrested for sex crimes, to which has lawyer says “bad behavior is not on trial.” Although at this point Weinstein may be just hoping for an early release someday for good behavior.

A report says facial recognition software could be used at airports to identify passengers who aren’t telling the truth. Like the people who say they actually enjoy flying on United.

Hillary Clinton says she would like to be the CEO of Facebook. For no other reason that the current CEO of Facebook is sitting on a personal cash pile of $74 Billion.

Hillary Clinton says she would like to be the CEO of Facebook. Mostly just because it seems to be a lot harder to get busted for anything sent over Messenger than when using a private e-mail server.

Health experts say that cockroach milk could be the next superfood. The only problem is how to be able to get them to sit still when squeezing their little udders?

Mussels off the coast of Seattle have tested positive for opioids. Which is a surprise as usually mussels are found to be abusing steroids.

Mussels off the coast of Seattle have tested positive for opioids. Which is no surprise as opioids can often be prescribed as mussel relaxers.

Mortgage rates have been rising at a pace not seen in 50 years. Which means it won’t be long before foreclosure rates are rising at a rate not seen since 2008.

James Caan says we are in a strange place when men can’t hit on women. The problem being that men can hit on women as long as they do it without actually hitting on the women.

James Caan says we are in a strange place when men can’t hit on women. Someone needs to tell Cann it’s not 1972 anymore and he isn’t playing Sonny Corleone.

A report says opioid abuse is growing among the elderly. Mostly because their grandchildren keep getting into their pot stash now that it is legal.

A 50 year old Texas man wants to become the first person to swim the Pacific Ocean. He is not concerned about the potential dangers as he has prepared by swimming several laps at a public pool in Detroit.

A 50 year old Texas man wants to become the first person to swim the Pacific Ocean. At least the first who didn’t have to do it because of booking a cruise on Carnival.

Vladimir Putin says he will step down in 2024. Mostly because by then he will have had the chance to decide the winner in three of our presidential elections.

Vladimir Putin says he will step down in 2024. Apparently he wants to reenter the private sector so he can finally put his shirt back on.

French police have arrested two garbage men who were planning a smelly protest against President Macron. Although if it was during a public rally full of French people, who could tell the difference?

A child in India died after being fed breast milk by its mother who was bitten by a deadly snake. The mother should have been more careful when breastfeeding and not been wearing a co-bra. (Sorry about that)

John McCain says the Iraq war was a “mistake.” Which is about the same as saying the BP oil spill was a bit of a leaky pipe.

John McCain says the Iraq war was a “mistake.” Apparently he is saving the words “quagmire,” “disaster” and “catastrophe” to describe his choice of Sarah Palin for running mate.

California congressman Dana Rohrabacher says home owners shouldn’t have to sell their house to gay people if they think being gay is immoral. As opposed to the House of Representatives which we keep filling with immoral people every election.

California congressman Dana Rohrabacher says home owners shouldn’t have to sell their house to gay people if they think being gay is immoral. The only immoral part about it is if the gay couple is using a bank that is signing them to a subprime loan.

A Swedish woman changed her son’s name after a tattoo artist spelled it wrong on her arm. So now the boy has a story about how he became “Seven” instead of “Sven.”

A Swedish woman changed her son’s name after a tattoo artist spelled it wrong on her arm. The woman says what’s done is done and she has no regerts.

Alec Baldwin says “SNL” should get someone else to play Donald Trump. To which most people say they wish they could get someone else to play Alec Baldwin.

The National Park Service says a sinkhole on the White House lawn poses no threat. Mostly because it turns out it was just the first phase of an oil well being dug on the property by EPA head Scott Pruitt.

Donald Trump has issued a new order which makes it easier to fire federal workers. To which Anthony Scaramucci is saying “How much easier can it be than after ten days on the job?”

Tennis great Ilie Nastase was arrested in Romania twice in one day, for a DUI and riding a scooter through a red light. Or in tennis terms, he was called for a double fault.

Willie Nelson left a stage in Charlotte without playing a note after falling ill. To which people are asking why Justin Bieber concertgoers can never be that lucky.

Willie Nelson left a stage in Charlotte without playing a note after falling ill. It turns out Nelson has actually been dead for two years but is too stoned to even know it.

A U.S. aircraft carrier has reportedly been stalked for days by UFOs that traveled at missile speed and hovered over the water for six days. Either that or the Navy needs to tell their sailors to quit drinking the seawater.

Attacks on small businesses by vegan activists are on the rise in the UK. The good news is the vegans are pretty much too weak to actually cause any damage.

Studies have linked personality types with musical tastes. For instance opera lovers tend to be more imaginative, especially in coming up with ideas on how to spend all their free time by themselves.

A report says Starbucks is losing its luster with only 2% growth in the last quarter. Mostly as many customers are getting tired of after buying a cup of coffee there being down to their last quarter.

A report says Starbucks is losing its luster with only 2% growth in the last quarter. Apparently people are tired of having to decide whether they want the status symbol of carrying a Starbucks cup or finally being able to pay off their college loans.

The oldest tree in Europe has been identified at 1,230 years. To which Scott Pruitt says if that tree were in the U.S., it would be identified as the next desk for his office.

Marijuana is being touted as the newest workout supplement. Especially for those who like to light up a joint after doing a set of curls with the video game remotes and doing a sit-up from the couch in order to get the pizza box off the coffee table.

One of Russia’s most famous paintings, “Ivan The Terrible” was damaged in a vodka fueled attack. It want from being known as the “Ivan The Terrible” painting to “Ivan,” the terrible painting.

A pair of 125 year old Levi’s jeans sold for $100,000. Mostly because it was the only pair in existence that didn’t come in a relaxed fit.

A study shows what activities dolphins like the most in captivity. It turns out that just like humans they lift weights, work on their appeal and make toilet wine.

Will Power won this year’s Indy 500. Although Will Power couldn’t find the exact words to describe his success, saying it was some kind of combination of discipline, self-control and resolve.

The “Star Wars” sequel “Solo” had an underwhelming first weekend at the box office with $103 Million. It turns out the film had too much “war” and not enough “stars.”

New Zealand is planning to kill 150,000 cows to eradicate a bacterial disease. Getting rid of 150,000 cows in the U.S. would also have health benefits, mostly in helping to eradicate heart disease.

The Detroit Tigers Niko Goodrum was taken out of a game because of heat exhaustion. Next time they need to sit him near home plate where he can catch a cooling breeze every time his teammates strike out.

Major League Baseball attendance is down and strikeouts are up. The problem is trying to get environmentalists to come to games to see trees saved when bats aren’t broken by hitting the ball.

Major League Baseball attendance is down and strikeouts are up. Maybe it’s time baseball started to think that steroids weren’t such a bad thing after all.

Major League Baseball attendance is down and strikeouts are up. Mostly because it’s just so much better to go to a game to hear the crack of the bat over the thud of the catcher’s mitt.

The Warriors Nick Young says he started playing better after having a dream where he spoke with Dennis Rodman. Apparently Rodman says if his game didn’t improve, he could get him a gig on the North Korean national team.

The burger making robot Flippy is back on the job at CaliBurger. The only problem is when customers want a greasy burger, they don’t mean covered in 3-in-One Oil.

The burger making robot Flippy is back on the job at CaliBurger. The only problem is that at $100,000 a robot, it may not be cost effective as that same money would pay for a human burger flipper for 23 years.

A report says one quarter of all Millennials live with their mom because of the lack of affordable housing. The question is, how much can it cost to pay rent for someone else’s basement?

Single use plastic straws may be banned in Europe. Mostly because who really needs one just to drink warm ale from a tankard?

A study says it’s easier to conceive when both a man and woman eat more seafood. Except when one of them comes home with a case of the crabs.

Hugh Grant has gotten married for the first time. Which means the “Four Weddings and a Funeral” star just needs three more weddings as they already buried his career years ago.

Atari co-founder Ted Dabney has died at age 81. The announcement simply read “Game Over. No Replay.”

Portugal is considering allowing euthanasia and assisted suicide. Albania is another European country that would consider doing the same other than the fact if they did, within six months there would be no one left.

Michael Cohen’s proposed boo about being Donald Trump’s “fixer” is reportedly dead in the water. Mostly after it turns out he is in reality more of Donald Trump’s “wrecker.”

Michael Cohen’s proposed boo about being Donald Trump’s “fixer” is reportedly dead in the water. Especially after the Stormy Daniels affair where Melania is thinking about “fixing” Trump personally.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a great Memorial Day Weekend. I sure did other than having to work Monday which made it pretty much like any other weekend only worse because everyone else was off Monday. So in other words, I didn’t. But that’s OK, it’s always good to go into the office when the management team is gone. That’s the way it should always be. Since when did management mean managing to make your job more difficult, make you hate coming into work and tell you how to do the job that you have done your whole life and they couldn’t do if their life depended on it? But other than that, they are really essential to have around. I had better stop before the cameras they are using to track my every move sense I am writing something unflattering. Of course, I am flattered when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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