Friday, May 25, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Donald Trump has canceled his planned summit with North Korea because of “tremendous anger and open hostility.” It’s terrible when your dreams for a Nobel Peace Prize are shattered just because a little anger and hostility get in the way.

George Zimmerman told a court he is $2.5 Million in debt with no income. Which means he is finally as bankrupt financially as morally.

George Zimmerman told a court he is $2.5 Million in debt with no income. It’s hard to believe a guy with such a nice disposition would have trouble finding work.

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos says school officials should turn in undocumented immigrants. Apparently it’s part of the new policy “no child left behind the deportation bus.”

A study says the happiest years in a person’s life are 23 and 69. Which not coincidentally are the last years before starting to work and the first years after retiring.

Eight women are accusing Morgan Freeman of inappropriate behavior. Apparently he was doing more than just driving Miss Daisy.

Eight women are accusing Morgan Freeman of inappropriate behavior. So that’s why those penguins marched 70 miles away.

An Oregon woman claims her Amazon device recorded her private conversations and sent them to a random contact. No one had any idea that Alexa was such a gossip.

Facebook is being accused of conducting mass surveillance through its apps. The only way to get even more personal information from users would be to read what they are posting on their page.

Donald Trump says NFL stars who don’t stand for the National Anthem “shouldn’t be in the country.” Mostly because it’s an insult to the Americans who would have fought for their rights if not for the five military deferments they received.

Scientists say a way to beat Alzheimer’s Disease is with aspirin and Champagne. If that’s true, they why can’t anyone ever remember what they did on New Year’s Eve?

A new U.S. weather satellite has a serious cooling problem that could affect the quality of the pictures it takes. Who knew that global warming was becoming an issue all the way into outer space?

North Korea has reportedly demolished its nuclear test site. Which is ironic in that after all those threats of global nuclear annihilation, the only thing they were ever able to actually blow up was their own testing grounds.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo claims Kim Jong-un “ghosted” the U.S. about preparations for the planned summit. Ghosted? What, were they setting up the meeting parameters on Tinder?

Michael Cohen was reportedly paid $400,000 by the Ukraine to arrange talks with the White House. So apparently the quest for diplomacy and world peace with Donald trump costs $270,000 more than what he was charged by Stormy Daniels.

Security troops at a U.S. nuclear base have admitted to taking LSD while on the job. The problem with experimenting with psychedelic drugs while surrounded by a nuclear arsenal is the danger of ending up with a magic mushroom cloud.

Elon Musk says he will create a website to track and rate the credibility of journalists. Don’t we already have that? It’s called Donald Trump’s daily Twitter rants.

A robot creator says humans will marry droids by the year 2045. Which conservatives say is OK as long as none of those robots are gay.

A robot creator says humans will marry droids by the year 2045. He may even set up a factory in Utah where he expects to be selling as many as five sex robots to every man.

A report says colleges are bending the rules for more students in giving them extra help with any special needs. Who do these kids think they are, student athletes?

A report says colleges are bending the rules for more students in giving them extra help with any special needs. Which the colleges say is just like a store giving good service to their best customers who are going to be racking up a bill of $100,000.

Donald Trump pardoned boxer Jack Johnson, 140 years after his birth. Which means Mike Tyson is thinking he may be getting some good news right around 2106.

Pot lobbyists are heading to Washington, D.C. to woo U.S. lawmakers. They should make it there by sometime between December and next January.

Ian McKellen says half of Hollywood is gay. The other half is Charlie Sheen.

The location for an attempt at a world’s record orgy in Las Vegas has been moved. Ironically, the hotel organizers originally booked the event with had to pull out.

A North Carolina high school had to be evacuated after a clogged toilet caused students and teachers to suffer tearing eyes and burning throats. That’s the last time they plan a school lunch outing to Taco Bell.

A 13 year old California boy won the National Geographic Bee. His winning effort was actually being able to find California on a world map.

The Pentagon says it is “ready to fight tonight” if the U.S. and North Korea talks break down. Which means Donald Trump could be going from an attempt at world peace to thermonuclear war within three days, but no one can say he didn’t give it his best effort.

The Pentagon says it is “ready to fight tonight” if the U.S. and North Korea talks break down. Apparently they were ready to use another phrase but found out there was a copyright on “Let’s get ready to rumbllllllllle!”

Donald Trump canceled the planned summit with North Korea. It turns out the special coin he had minted to commemorate the meeting was actually just a wooden nickel.

A California man in the San Fernando Valley has won four lottery prizes in six months, including jackpots of $1 Million and $5 Million. If he can just win three more he will have enough for a down payment on a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

Teachers in New Hampshire will qualify for a $100,000 death benefit if they are killed in a school shooting. Which is good news knowing that even though they are gone, they will be able to make good on their college tuition loans.

Teachers in New Hampshire will qualify for a $100,000 death benefit if they are killed in a school shooting. As opposed to Texas and Florida schools which instead guarantee those teachers their own special moment of silence.

Moses Farrow defended Woody Allen, saying it’s his mother Mia Farrow who is abusive. Apparently he feels that way because she is the one who stuck him with the name “Moses.”

NOAA has released its Hurricane Forecast, calling for 10-16 named storms and 5-9 hurricanes. The only list more anticipated is the annual correction to the list for more or fewer storms depending on how inaccurate the first list turns out.

Experts defused a WWII bomb in Germany that resulted in an explosion and fire. Which caused Donald Trump as Commander-in-Chief to take credit for yet another successful military operation.

A study says taking antidepressants can lead to weight gain. Which is especially bad for the people who are sad because they have become morbidly obese.

A study says using a CPAP machine for sleep apnea can improve sex lives. Because there is nothing more attractive to women than being intimate with a partner wearing a plastic mask over their face.

A study says using a CPAP machine for sleep apnea can improve sex lives. Because what woman can resist a man who is using an air compressor to help him wheeze, gasp and hiss while having sex.

A study says sitting all day isn’t bad for people who are fit. Unfortunately, the only way to stay fit is by making sure not to be sitting down all day.

A study says people adding more seafood to their diet can improve their sex lives. Especially for men who figure they pretty much have a sure thing when they buy their dinner date the lobster.

A study says people adding more seafood to their diet can improve their sex lives. Which is awkward for the people who have to turn their heads to avoid looking at the couple in the back seat of their car in the parking lot of the Red Lobster.

Serena Williams’ ranking has dropped to number 453 in the world in her return from maternity leave. Which means after training for eight months after giving birth, she would have had a higher ranking if she decided to enter any tournaments while she was still nine months pregnant.

“Last Man Standing” star Tim Allen says the sitcom will tackle the guns issue. Which will feature an episode where Allen will literally be the last man standing.

Mike Kohn has been promoted to head coach of the USA Bobsled team. The only question is, how do you coach a team to take maximum advantage of gravity?

Mike Kohn has been promoted to head coach of the USA Bobsled team. How does that work? What does he do, tell them to go down that hill really fast?

Donald Trump has pardoned boxer Jack Johnson. How ironic that Johnson’s name was finally cleared by the Great White Dope.

Major League Baseball says home runs have spiked recently not because the baseballs are juiced but from “greater aerodynamic carry.” Which means the balls aren’t juiced, the players are.

Major League Baseball says home runs have spiked recently because the balls have changed in their ability to fly farther. Apparently they are jumping off the bats faster because the manufacturer is only using horsehide coming from past winners of the Kentucky Derby.

Former Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho is set to marry two women at the same time. No one had any idea he was originally from Utah.

Former Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho is set to marry two women at the same time. Instead of saying “I do” at the ceremony, he will yell out “Gooooaaaaalllll!”

Bartolo Colon has turned 45, the oldest players in the majors. He is so old he has teammates using bats that come from trees that were younger than him.

Donald Trump reportedly pulled the plug on his summit with North Korea before Kim Jong-un could. What’s worse is when they talk on the phone, they have to end it with “You hang up first…no, you!”

Uber reportedly disabled the emergency braking system before the fatal crash involving a self-driving car in Arizona. Which apparently means their idea of “self-driving” is the same as putting a car in neutral at the top of a hill and giving it a push.

A study says people born in the 1980s are the worst off financially. Mostly because their anticipated inheritance went out the window when their parents lost everything in the 2008 crash.

A study says people born in the 1980s are the worst off financially. The reason wasn’t clear but it may have something to do with all the 40 year old Millennials who still can’t afford to live anywhere other than their parents’ basement.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders says it bothers her to be called a liar. What’s worse is that nobody really believed what she was saying.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another boatload of jokes that will get you all the way through the upcoming holiday weekend. As if three days away from the office wasn’t enough. I will not be posting on Monday because I can also use a day off occasionally. I hope you all enjoy the Memorial Day holiday, and remember what it is for. To honor those who have died in the past on the roads rushing to get out of town for a three day weekend. Just kidding. We will all honor our country’s veterans on that day, including my own father who fought in WWII. Let’s hope that we can soon bring all our troops home so they can be with their families and friends instead of worrying about whether there will be a tomorrow. So today I am asking you all to think of someone you know who was or is in the service when you remember to always keep on sending the love!




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