Thursday, May 24, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Kevin Federline’s lawyer says he deserves three times more child support from Britney Spears. Mostly so he can go ahead and have three times more children with other women.

James Comey ripped Donald Trump’s attacks on the FBI, asking how Republicans will explain this to their grandchildren. Which they will find out soon enough since most Republicans are grandparents.

James Comey ripped Donald Trump’s attacks on the FBI, asking how Republicans will explain this to their grandchildren. The answer being like everything else, they will blame it all on Hillary Clinton.

A New Jersey couple was caught having sex in a church near a statue of the Virgin Mary. At least one of them came out of the incident still a virgin.

A report says 40% of Americans can’t cover an emergency expense of $400. As opposed to wealthy people like Donald Trump who don’t consider an expense an “emergency” until it reaches $130,000.

The House overwhelmingly passed a prison reform bill. Which is good news for all the members of Congress and the Trump White House who can look forward to more comfortable living conditions when they are finally convicted.

A study says in 27 years, almost a quarter of the world’s population will be obese. The question being how before then are they going to get the other three quarters to lose weight?

A study says anxiety can make people better at their jobs. Especially the ones who are worried they will be fired if they aren’t in the office at least 12 hours a day.

A study says people who sleep in on weekends have a better chance of avoiding dying young. As long as they manage to wake up and leave before their girlfriend’s husband gets home.

A Massachusetts man was arrested for hitting his dog with a baseball bat when it ate his Whopper. The next time he needs to go somewhere that has food his dog won’t touch, like KFC.

A GOP gubernatorial candidate in Georgia who was behind the idea for a “deportation bus” lost in the primary. Ironically, he can use the bus to get a ride back to where he came from.

U.S. banks made a record first quarter profit this year. Which is good in that they will be in solid financial shape the next time they crash the economy.

Atlantic City casinos are reportedly down 12% this year. Not only did Donald Trump’s casinos close, he is also responsible for this as the other gaming establishments lost a fortune taking bets he would win in 2016.

Scientists plan to use DNA to hunt the Loch Ness monster. Apparently they will match any DNA they find with other monsters found on Internet ancestry sites.

Scientists plan to use DNA to hunt the Loch Ness monster. Which is interesting as they are completely ignoring their scientific backgrounds in thinking there may actually even be a Loch Ness monster.

Scientists plan to use DNA to hunt the Loch Ness monster. They are hoping for at least a partial match when put up against the DNA of Mel Gibson.

Body language experts say how to tell if White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders is lying. The first sign is if her lips are moving.

Body language experts say how to tell if White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders is lying. One clue is whenever she is saying something about Donald Trump.

Federal Reserve officials say there are no worries of the economy overheating. The problem being that is pretty much the exact same thing they said right before the economy crashed in 2008.

A California K-9 sniffed out 60 pounds of meth on its first day on the job. Although the problem was for the next three weeks, the dog didn’t sleep, lost its teeth and kept begging its handler to take it out at 3 AM to look for more.

Donald Trump predicts that autoworkers will be “very happy” with the outcome of NAFTA, which has stalled for now. Especially the people working for Chrysler who understand what it’s like to make a product that also stalls every time you get a little momentum going.

Consumer rights groups say Tesla’s “Autopilot” name is “misleading” and “deceptive.” Mostly because it doesn’t actually pilot the car automatically. Other than that, the name is just fine.

A court says Donald Trump can’t block Twitter followers because of their political views. Which is more good news for Kim Jong-un.

A court says Donald Trump can’t block Twitter followers because of their political views. To which Trump says to forget about Twitter, those are the people he should be able to just put in jail.

Italy’s likely next Prime Minister is being accused of embellishing his resume. Although it can’t as bad as some other country with a President who falsely claims he’s a billionaire, won the popular vote and will make America great again.

Cannabis users want Hollywood to abandon pot stereotypes. After which they added the request for movie theaters to start serving pizza during films.

Cannabis users want Hollywood to abandon pot stereotypes. To which movie studios say absolutely, just as soon as they end their stereotyping of blacks, Hispanics, Asians, women, teenagers, gays…

A report says freezing credit will be soon be able to be done for free. Which is ironic for the people who don’t have the money to pay for it because they have completely maxed out all their credit cards.

A judge says Donald Trump violated the Constitution by blocking Twitter followers. Which will be dealt with as soon as he stops other constitutional violations like obstruction of justice, the foreign emoluments clause, ignoring the First Amendment, undermining the judiciary…

Tens of thousands of Las Vegas casino workers have voted to authorize a strike next month. Union negotiators say they might just end it by putting it all on the table for double or nothing.

Tens of thousands of Las Vegas casino workers have voted to authorize a strike next month. Some workers like the idea of some time off just so they can see there is actually a 3:00 in the afternoon.

Tens of thousands of Las Vegas casino workers have voted to authorize a strike next month. The employees’ demands are more money, better hours, and a court order to keep Steve Wynn from getting within 100 yards of any workers.

The U.S. death rate has increased, taking the life expectancy down for a third straight year. Funny how it works like that.

The U.S. death rate has increased, taking the life expectancy down for a third straight year. To which researchers gave Americans this advice: “Don’t get your hopes up.”

New guidelines say one in three Americans have high blood pressure that should be treated with medications. That news will make everyone a lot more calm and relaxed.

Patients say weight loss surgery in Mexico is potentially life-threatening. A much safer way to lose weight in Mexico is just drink the water.

Patients say weight loss surgery in Mexico is potentially life-threatening. The question is, which part of that sentence should not be pretty much evident to anyone with an IQ above 85?

A dramatic rise in ADHD medications has resulted in more mishaps for kids including overdoses. The problem with children overdosing on ADHD meds is that their parents like that they are actually paying attention for once.

A study says some regions of the country are not taking to the Mediterranean diet that includes fruits, vegetables, nuts, whole grains and olive oil. Or as that diet is known in the South, “death by starvation.”

A study says the skin may absorb toxins from fumes from grills. Although that still isn’t as unhealthy as the people eating the pork, bratwurst and hot dogs that are coming off those grills.

The new Nordic diet is said to offer health benefits of food traditionally found in Denmark, Finland and Norway. Which is built upon the idea of losing weight by not wanting to eat again for three weeks after being served a plate of lutefisk.

A poll says workers only feel out of the boss’ reach if they travel at least 1,000 miles on vacation. As long as in that distance they can find a place with no Wi-Fi, Internet or cellphone service.

A new NFL policy will punish players who kneel during the National Anthem. Although they might have a way around it if they just say they are actually genuflecting.

A new NFL policy will punish players who kneel during the National Anthem. Although some might be able to get around it by saying they are just paying homage to Tim Tebow.

Former MLB player Lenny Dykstra was arrested for making terroristic threats to an Uber driver and being in possession of drugs. How old is this guy, 19?

Former MLB player Lenny Dykstra was arrested for making terroristic threats to an Uber driver and being in possession of drugs. Apparently he was upset that Uber is taking business away from his steady job driving a cab.

Former MLB player Lenny Dykstra was arrested for making terroristic threats to an Uber driver and being in possession of drugs. Apparently he sprayed a toxic substance at the driver which was later determined to be tobacco juice.

The Athletic Director at Arizona State got a $350,000 bonus for athletic academic performance. Meaning at least three of the players showed up for more than two classes in a semester.

The Athletic Director at Arizona State got a $350,000 bonus for athletic academic performance. It’s just like on the field. The players do all the work and the AD picks up the cash.

Richie Incognito was taken into custody for a psychiatric evaluation following an incident at a gym. Apparently everyone knew who he was because he didn’t disguise himself very well.

Richie Incognito was taken into custody for a psychiatric evaluation following an incident at a gym. To which everyone following the NFL is asking “What took so long?”

Richie Incognito was taken into custody for a psychiatric evaluation following an incident at a gym. To which people are saying “And Terry Bradshaw is still out and walking around?”

North Korea is threatening to back out of the U.S. summit, calling Mike Pence a “political dummy.” To which Donald Trump warned Kim Jong-un to stop stealing his lines.

Former Intelligence Director James Clapper says Vladimir Putin is planning to meddle in the U.S. midterm elections. Which is going to be tough for him to mess up the country even more after what he did to us with the 2016 election.

Former Intelligence Director James Clapper says Vladimir Putin is planning to meddle in the U.S. midterm elections. It’s just too bad he doesn’t know anyone in a powerful position who could take the necessary steps to try to stop that from happening.

GOP Senator Jeff Flake says about Donald Trump and the state of American politics, “We may have hit bottom.” To which George W. Bush is saying to Trump, “Tag, you’re it!”

New Jersey’s top lawmaker is calling on states to reject sports betting “integrity fees.” The worst part is he had to take three hours to have his staff explain the meaning of “integrity.”

New Jersey’s top lawmaker is calling on states to reject sports betting “integrity fees.” Meaning no one else better get in the way of him getting his cut.

Hillary Clinton has endorsed Andrew Cuomo for New York Governor. Which residents there were happy about because it means she has no intention for running.

Hillary Clinton has endorsed Andrew Cuomo for New York Governor. To which Cuomo thanked her for all three votes that endorsement will get for him.

An Italian chef says drones could be used to feed the hungry of the world. Which has already been thought of by people who are ready to shoot down any Domino’s drone they see flying around the neighborhood for some free pizza.

A study says money is a better incentive than e-cigarettes and nicotine gum to get people to quit smoking. Especially for the ones who are broke because they spent all their extra cash on $8 a pack cigarettes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I usually wait until I am done to count the jokes I write here every day, but I just went over them and realized today I wrote 62 of them. Which is a pretty good percentage when considering that 4 or 5 were actually funny. And of course, I always stand by my guarantee that they are all grammatically correct. Although I do use some fragmented sentences for delivery purposes. Just don’t tell my 9th grade English teacher. I hope you like the jokes and keep coming back for more. That’s what I do, and you can call me a glutton for punishment. But I do get my reward, and it is when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!  



No comments: