Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


-->
A report says Michael Cohen once threatened legal action on the satirical site The Onion. The worst part is that the staff at The Onion thought it was a submission and offered him a job as a writer.

The CEO of J.C. Penney has resigned to go to Lowe’s. He says he misses the perqs of the front office but really enjoys helping people with their hardware needs.

 The CEO of J.C. Penney has resigned to go to Lowe’s. Which is ironic as even Penney’s retails strategy was just beyond repair.

A new Starbucks policy allowing anyone to hang out in their stores is causing fears they could become “homeless camps.” Which is ironic in that so many people became homeless trying to pay off their monthly Starbucks bill.

A Texas preacher tells churchgoers to believe in “God, guns and get those heads up when you pray.” The worst part being their heads are up so they can see if anyone in the church has a gun while they pray not to get shot.

Amazon is banning shoppers who make too many returns. Which according to Jeff Bezos is anything more than one.

Amazon is banning shoppers who make too many returns. Mostly the people who think if they keep sending items back, they will eventually get one that actually works.

A report says a Russian “unlimited range” nuclear missile crashed 22 miles into its flight. Apparently the unlimited range part means that when the warhead explodes it will still engulf the entire planet into nuclear winter.

A report says a Russian “unlimited range” nuclear missile crashed 22 miles into its flight. Which was a major victory for Vladimir Putin who beat Kim Jong-un’s record by 21 ½ miles.

A report says anticipation of the upcoming “Star Wars” prequel about Han Solo is unenthusiastic. It mostly has an interest from people wanting to see Solo portrayed by someone under 70.

The projected cost of the new Rams football stadium in Los Angeles is more than $4 Billion. Mostly to build in all the additional features needed to attract people who want something to do besides watch the Rams.

The projected cost of the new Rams football stadium in Los Angeles is more than $4 Billion. Which is understandable considering that is also the cost of a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

A study says a strong grip may predict a longer life at all ages. Especially for seniors who are trying to keep a strong hold on their checkbook as their kids try to wrestle it away from them.

A study says a strong grip may predict a longer life at all ages. Except in the case of the people who won’t allow anyone to pry that Big Mac out of their fat fingers.

A study says a strong grip may predict a longer life at all ages. Which explains how GI Joe has managed to keep his military career up for 50 years on account of his Kung Fu grip.

A Florida city sent out an alert to residents of power outages and zombies. Which apparently has something to do with what happens every day in Miami around the time of the Early Bird dinner.

 Gasoline has reached $5 a gallon in New York City. Which is no big deal since people love purchasing just a gallon to show you can still actually buy something for $5 in New York.

The Pentagon is reportedly running out of bombs. If it gets any worse, they may have to send out a special notice to Adam Sandler.

The Pentagon is reportedly running out of bombs. This has infuriated Donald Trump who is asking how we can possibly run out of bombs when he still has three new wars to declare?

A Romanian court has acquitted the Senate speaker of lying under oath. His defense was that he confused his testimony with giving a campaign speech.

Donald Trump has issued a coin for his upcoming meeting with Kim Jong-un with their images on one side. If the coin is flipped, it can be called for “tails” or “two heads with really bad haircuts.”

Donald Trump has issued a coin for his upcoming meeting with Kim Jong-un with their images on one side. Although some people are concerned about the tone of the meeting as the obverse side of the coin features Trump and Kim, while the reverse side has a mushroom cloud.

An anti-immigration Danish minister says Muslim fasting during Ramadan is “dangerous for us all.” Apparently she thinks that terrorism results when people just get “hangry.”

An anti-immigration Danish minister says Muslim fasting during Ramadan is “dangerous for us all.” Mostly because it’s tough to give up food when every shop you go by is full of cheese Danish.

A 30 year old New York man was ordered by a judge out of his parents’ house after refusing to leave for months. Apparently he just wanted to stay a few more years until his parents can retire and then move to Florida with them.

An anonymous donor gave $10,000 to a Maine school district to pay off the student lunch debt. Even though it’s Maine, next year they will try to avoid that by taking the lobster off the daily lunch menu.

The Trump Administration is allowing hunters to attract brown bears using bacon and donuts. The only problem is that putting out bacon and donuts is more likely just to attract other hunters.

An MS-13 gang member called “Animal” was sentenced to 40 years in prison. Which shows Donald Trump’s use of the term “animals” for gang members was acceptable at least that one time.

The White House issued a coin ahead of the upcoming summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un that has now been postponed. Which means the coin now has as much of a chance of being minted as a coin commemorating Donald Trump’s second inauguration.

A report says drugs in the workplace are at the highest levels in a decade. Which if drug use at work was so high ten years ago, that may explain why the economy crashed back in 2008.

A report says drug use in the workplace are at the highest levels in a decade. Which is good to know people’s workplace healthcare policy is at least paying for all their prescriptions.

Sweden has issued an emergency booklet telling people to hang onto their money and to prepare canned foods in case of a crisis. Which is a problem for a society that has pretty much said goodbye to cash and is expected to live for months at a time on canned lutefisk.

Bernie Sanders will meet with Disneyland workers ahead of a California vote to raise their wages. The sad part is that Sanders’ hopes to run again in 2020 are pretty much stuck in Fantasyland.

A survey says even Millennials are losing confidence in autonomous cars. Which will really be a problem for the ones who are 35 and still don’t have their driver’s license.

McDonald’s shareholders will vote on whether to do away with plastic straws. The plan instead calls for just putting an IV into customers’ veins straight from their Coke or chocolate shake.

McDonald’s shareholders will vote on whether to do away with plastic straws. The only problem is that what is in the straws is more nutritious than the food they are serving.

McDonald’s employees in nine cities have filed claims of sexual misconduct. To which the company is telling them the good part is they can now just pretend they work for a Hollywood movie studio.

The Museum of Ice Cream in San Francisco has started its own line of children’s clothing. The only problem is that the apparel’s starting size is XXXL.

The Museum of Ice Cream in San Francisco has started its own line of children’s clothing. The apparel all comes with separate pockets for kids to store their needles and vials of insulin.

The U.S. unemployment rate is a low 3.9%, although one third of Americans faced financial insecurity last year. Mostly because the unemployment rate is so low because all those people need to work three jobs to make ends meet.

Publix censored a cake for a student graduating “Summa Cum Laude” because they thought the “Cum” was inappropriate. Mostly because the order was to put the writing on a creampie. (OK, a little inappropriate for what I normally do, but I just thought it was funny!)

Hillary Clinton urged the graduating class at Yale to buy newspaper subscriptions. Which she had to explain to the students were those things their parents’ butler used to have to go out every morning and pick up off the porch when they were kids.

Hillary Clinton urged the graduating class at Yale to buy newspaper subscriptions. She had to explain those were places where some people graduating Yale used to actually want to go to work.

A study says an egg a day lowers the risk of heart disease. At least when it is eaten instead of donuts, waffles and pastries.

A study says adding blue dye to a colonoscopy may boost detection of cancer. And who doesn’t want to have their lower intestines occasional dabbed with an attractive shade of azure?

A study says adding blue dye to a colonoscopy may boost detection of cancer. The number one and most appropriate pick by most people is a deep shade of Ty-D-Bol blue.

Pot use by pregnant women is linked to irritable behavior in their babies. You’d be mad, too if you were given a bottle when you were really Jonesing for a slice of pizza.

Nine of ten ER doctors says their hospitals are not ready for a major disaster or mass tragedy. Which is a real wake up call to any medical centers in cities that have an NBA team with a chance at winning the title.

Nine of ten ER doctors says their hospitals are not ready for a major disaster or mass tragedy. Although somehow the workers always seem to rise to the occasion and get those medical bills out right on time.

A study says diet may offset the effects of air pollution. Which means that people really have to cut back on inhaling their food.

“American Idol” winner Maddie Poppe reveals she is dating runner-up Caleb Lee Hutchinson. Which means she won the first place trophy while also ending up as the consolation prize.

Halle Berry will be joining Keanu Reeves in “John Wick: Chapter 3.” People were confused. There was a “John Wick” chapters one and two?

The NHL is preparing puck-tracking technology to collect data. Now all they need to do is figure out a way to keep track of all the teeth that end up on the ice during every game.

NFL owners are considering a major penalty for players who kneel during the National Anthem. The penalty being they have to listen a duet of the song sung by Roseanne and Fergie.

NFL owners are considering a 15 yard penalty for players who kneel during the National Anthem. Which will make for a nice backdrop when the lyrics “Rockets’ red glare” are accompanied by the throwing of a yellow flag.

NFL owners are considering a major penalty for players who kneel during the National Anthem. Which means if all 46 players on a team take a knee, the 690 yard penalty will put them out of the stadium, across the parking lot and somewhere in the downtown district.

Brandi Chastain’s Hall of Fame plaque will be redone over complaints the image looking nothing like her. For one thing, the person portrayed on the plaque wasn’t even wearing a sports bra.

Danica Patrick revealed how she met Aaron Rodgers. Apparently he made the first move as he is much better than she at knowing how to make a pass.

Yankees manager Aaron Boone was ejected from a game for the first time in his career. Which means he just has 45 more to go before he ties the number set by Billy Martin.

LaVar Ball says his sons will be billionaires before LeBron James. One thing for sure about that, if they do it won’t be from an inheritance.

EPA chief Scott Pruitt reportedly spent $10,000 on office decor. Mostly trophy heads of all the animals he has had taken off the endangered species list since he took office.

EPA chief Scott Pruitt reportedly spent $10,000 on office decor. Mostly pictures of trees so he knows what they looked like after his agency allows them all to be cut down.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I love that bit about Donald Trump issuing a coin for his meeting with Kim Jong-un which was then postponed. That puts the intrinsic value of the coin somewhere between New York subway and Chuck E. Cheese tokens. I just hope your affection for this site isn’t a token. I appreciate you checking in to see the jokes every day. You will never fail to get my affection back when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: