Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Former solicitor general Ted Olson says a constitutional crisis is brewing between Donald Trump and Robert Mueller. Which will be dealt with after the constitutional crises between Trump and Congress, the states, the Department of Justice, the Supreme Court…

Rudy Giuliani says Robert Mueller will wrap up the Russia probe by September 1st as he doesn’t want it to inappropriately influence the mid-term elections. Unlike when James Comey helped elect Donald Trump by reopening the Hillary Clinton e-mail investigation days before that election.

Lava from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano has entered the ocean, creating a toxic cloud. Which makes vacationers from New Jersey upset, as they could have had exactly the same thing staying at home.

 The NYPD is probing sex allegations against celebrity chef Mario Batali. The only thing being cooked now is his goose.

Arizona is planning for an exodus of 400,000 people from California in the event of a major earthquake. The real question being why aren’t they more prepared for the 2 Million who will be leaving because they can’t afford to buy a home for $850,000?

Google has removed the “Don’t be evil” clause from their code of conduct. Instead, management has replaced it with rubbing their hands together while saying “Muahahahaha!”

Google has removed the “Don’t be evil” clause from their code of conduct. While it’s a nice thought, apparently the idea gets too much in the way of the profit line.

Cardinals rookie pitcher Jordan Hicks threw two pitches in a game at 105 mph. Interestingly enough, they were measured with the same radar gun used to clock L.A.’s Yasiel Puig driving his car 110 mph.

Pope Francis I says it is OK to be gay. Which is no surprise from a man who goes to work every day wearing flowing robes, a miter and red shoes.

Pope Francis I says it is OK to be gay. After which thousands of Catholic priests wiped their foreheads and collectively said “Whew!”

Roger Stone says Donald Trump may not run in 2020 if his first term is “adequately successful.” Which means he has less than three years to start four wars with Iran, North Korea and China.

A poll says two thirds of Americans give Donald Trump credit for the good economy. The other third will do the same as soon as they can get a job for anyone other than Uber, 7-Eleven or McDonalds’s.

A passenger on a Frontier Airlines flight reportedly urinated on the seat in front of him. Which is what happens when no one can use the bathroom because Ralph Fiennes is in there the entire time having sex with the flight attendants.

An Onur Air jet dropped 30,000 feet in five minutes as it was forced to make an emergency landing. That’s what happens when pilots need to make it to the airport lounge before the end of Happy Hour.

China is considering ending its birth limits this year. Apparently they feel that 1.4 Billion people just isn’t enough.

China has launched a satellite to explore the dark side of the Moon. The reasons are they want to dominate space, lead the way in science and because apparently President Xi is a huge Pink Floyd fan.

China has launched a satellite to explore the dark side of the Moon. Which they will soon be able to give the rest of the world the report of “We can’t see a thing over here.”

A report says the storage capacity of radioactive water at the Fukushima nuclear plant has reached its limit. To which they are already getting requests to send it to the people in Flint, Michigan who are saying it’s better than what’s coming out of the tap now.

White House senior aide Stephen Miller says Donald Trump has “exceeded all expectations.” Which most people agree with considering by this time everyone assumed the economy would have crashed and we would be engaged in nuclear war.

Nicolas Maduro won reelection in Venezuela despite a disapproval rate of 75%. To which Donald Trump is saying about 2020, “I’ve got a chance!”

A teenager who started a forest fire in Oregon last year has been ordered to pay restitution of $36.6 Million. Which really hurts his future as that is exactly the same amount he was planning to have to borrow to pay his college tuition loans.

Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick says school safety depends on three things, “deter, detect and deny.” Meaning deter shooters, detect weapons and deny there is a problem with too many guns.

Starbucks has issued new guidelines to where employees should call 911. Mostly on the ones who didn’t take out a second mortgage on their home before they ordered their large mocha latte.

A woman was detained by Border Patrol guards at a Montana gas station for speaking Spanish. Next time they know to try to blend in better wearing boots, packing a gun and buying a six pack of beer.

A woman was detained by Border Patrol guards at a Montana gas station for speaking Spanish. Next time they know that when they get excited, instead of yelling “Arriba!” to shout “Yee-haw!”

A commission says the Nicaraguan government violated human rights. People were shocked. Nicaragua had human rights to violate?

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin says the DOJ needs to review the power of Google and other big tech firms. With the tech industry becoming more and more invasive into personal information, he’s asking who do they think they are, the government?

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin says the DOJ needs to review the power of Google and other big tech firms. The question is, why do they care so much about companies getting some of our private information when they look the other way as oil companies take us back up to $4 a gallon gasoline?

Goldman Sachs says the financial outlook of the U.S. is “not good.” Which is scary as the last time they said that was right before they helped crash the country’s economy.

The House is set to approve legislation to deregulate banks. Apparently they feel it’s been ten years since the banks crashed the world economy and they pinkie promised not to do it again.

The Post Office is introducing the first scratch and sniff stamps. Which coincidentally is what most pit bulls are doing right before they attack their neighborhood letter carrier.

Sears got a $425 Million boost in a credit card deal with Citi. Retail experts were surprised. Sears is worth $425 Million?

Sears got a $425 Million boost in a credit card deal with Citi. Which means the Sears salesperson of the year is the one who suckered a bank into loaning the store $425 Million.

67% of Americans say now is a good time to find a quality job in the U.S. All you need to do is get a resume that makes you eligible to apply to become a corporate CEO.

67% of Americans say now is a good time to find a quality job in the U.S. The other 33% already feel they have a quality job because they are the ones not working for Uber, 7-Eleven or Wal-Mart.

New research says the best way to keep your heart in shape is exercise 30 minutes, four or five days a week. Which most people say they don’t even have the stamina to do something they like 30 minutes, four or five days a week.

New research says the best way to keep your heart in shape is exercise 30 minutes, four or five days a week. Which is great with most people as long as they can count the time they are walking from the couch to the refrigerator and  back.

Five Connecticut teens were hospitalized after eating cookies made with a “foreign substance.” Apparently they just weren’t used to eating something made entirely of fat, sugar and salt.

Five Connecticut teens were hospitalized after eating cookies made with a “foreign substance.” Which most people think a foreign substance in food means tortillas, escargot or bratwurst.

Brett Favre says he was treated for drug addiction three times with the Packers. He couldn’t even go through rehab without making a comeback.

10% of Americans say their kids have gotten sick at restaurants eating bad food. The other 90% will just take longer, when they develop their Type 2 diabetes in middle age from eating at McDonald’s Burger King and Taco Bell.

A report says thousands of women say Essure birth control has caused them intense pain. To which the manufacturer is saying to them “If you want real pain get off the birth control and push an eight pound baby out of your body.”

A study says unnecessary and accidental use of ADHD drugs has gone up 60%. Mostly for the people who are just too hyper to read the directions.

Meghan Markle’s nephew was warned by police for trying to bring a knife into a London nightclub. Which means any day we can expect a new reality show called “Trailer Park Royals.”

29.2 Million Americans tuned in to watch the Royal Wedding. Or as CBS calls 29.2 Million viewers, “a pretty good year.”

Becca Kufrin says she doesn’t want starring in “The Bachelorette” to change her or her normal life. The question being what is even close to normal about wanting to star in “The Bachelorette”?

The San Antonio Spurs are ending their dance team after 25 years. Apparently some of the dancers are now as old as the players and the only dances they remember are the Waltz, Tango and Fox Trot.

The Buffalo Bills released lineman Richie Incognito. In the meantime he says he will just continue to stay under cover.

Serena Williams will be unseeded for the French Open. That means the quarterfinals, semifinals and finals could actually be taking place in the first three rounds.

Louisville has reached a $4.5 Million settlement with former Athletic Director Tom Jurich who was fired in the NCAA corruption probe. Well, that kind of punishment will certainly teach him a lesson.

An unidentified man paid $50,000 to caddie for Tiger Woods in a pro-am. No one had any idea that Stevie Williams missed his camera time on the bag so much.

Donald Trump has rejected attempts by staffers to improve the security on his cellphone. Which doesn’t matter because is there anything he does on his phone that he even tries to keep secret?

A watchdog says the U.S. strategy in Afghanistan has showed little result. To which most people were surprised, saying “We have a strategy in Afghanistan?”

Donald Trump says the CIA has the most elite intelligence professionals on the planet.” At least he will feel that way until he finds out they are investigating him.

Donald Trump praised NASCAR drivers for standing during the National Anthem. Although what they are really doing is just stretching their legs before they have to sit for the next 500 miles.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, there you go. Once again, I sit at a computer for a few hours tapping keys and putting words on the screen trying to make people laugh. And that is pretty much my hobby. I really need a hobby from my hobby. Playing my guitar is more fun than sitting in front of a keyboard, and it also makes people laugh. That may be a trade off. I am just glad that you all check out the blog every day and make it all worthwhile. And you should be glad you can’t hear me play the guitar. And I am always glad when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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