Sunday, May 20, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


An Air Force base in North Dakota after losing a box of grenades is now missing a machine gun. No one even knew the TV show “F Troop” was actually based on a real outpost.

 An Air Force base in North Dakota after losing a box of grenades is now missing a machine gun. What’s even worse is now the base commander is asking if anyone has seen his F-15 fighter jet.

Kim Kardashian is being questioned about her children’s privacy after sending out pictures of them taking a bath. To which the entire Kardashian family is asking “What’s privacy?”

Orioles manager Buck Showalter began making a pitching change before a batter on the opposing team was even done with his home run trot. What’s even worse for a pitcher is when the manager already has a reliever on the mound in time to get the throw back from the catcher.

A fishing incident sent Georgia quarterback Jake Fromm to the hospital with a hook stuck in his leg. Which was unexpected as too much hook in the leg is usually a problem suffered by the kicker.

The “Yanny” or “Laurel” Internet controversy has people hearing different words when listening to the same audio recording. Just like Donald Trump’s supporters at the mention of his name hear “Abraham Lincoln” and uttering the word “Hillary” has them hearing “Satan.”

A plane crashed in Cuba one day after the airline grounded a third of its fleet for safety reasons. What’s even worse is the other two thirds were grounded because they were waiting for engine parts taken off a 1957 Chevy.

Amsterdam is trying to contain the flood of tourists into what is becoming known as a “party city.” What they need to do to stop that problem is just make it like the cities that don’t have that same worry, like Moscow, Tehran and Pyongyang.

Donald Trump says the Justice Department is out to frame him. It’s just too bad he isn’t in some sort of position of power where he is responsible for who is in charge of the department and who was appointed to investigate him.

Donald Trump reportedly pushed the Post Office to double the rate charges for Amazon. Which still works out because they make up for it by having to ship the exchanges for the stuff they sell that doesn’t work back and forth three or four times.

A report says 51 Million households can’t afford a monthly budget for housing, food, childcare, healthcare, transportation and cellphones. To which the Trump Administration says they just have to work on the idea of “pick any two.”

A report says 51 Million households can’t afford a monthly budget for housing, food, childcare, healthcare, transportation and cellphones. Just how spoiled have we gotten where people actually feel entitled to have access to all those luxuries?

A report says 51 Million households can’t afford a monthly budget for housing, food, childcare, healthcare, transportation and cellphones. To which Donald Trump’s staff is saying they also have tough choices, between first class air travel, five star hotels and $100 a bottle Champagne.

A study says people from small towns and rural areas are happier. Mostly because they made the rest of us all have to live with Donald Trump as President.

A former WWF wrestler was beaten in front of his home in L.A. in a dispute for a parking space. He could have defended himself if only he had remembered to put that folding chair in his trunk.

A Stormy Daniels strip show in Oregon ended when a drunk patron threw his wallet in her face. To which Donald Trump says he already tried that and it doesn’t work.

A proposed farm bill in the House failed when conservatives revolted over immigration. Which will all be settled once Congress learns we can’t have one without the other.

A Boston restaurant called Spyce has a robotic kitchen to prepare food. The only problem is when the waiter asks customers if they want their order fried in olive oil, canola oil or 10W-40 oil.

A Mexican man may be the oldest in the world at 121 years, saying work is the key to long life. To which Donald Trump says that’s fine, just not here.

A Brooklyn hairstylist threw a complaining customer through a plate glass window. To which the hairdresser says he was just obliging the person who asked for a “cut.”

Pierce Brosnan sold an original painting for $1.4 Million. It turns out that James Bond may be the one who has gold fingers.

Pierce Brosnan sold an original painting for $1.4 Million. Apparently there was a mix-up when the buyer thought they were getting an original Remington when it was really a Remington Steele.

Data says 16% of Americans say they will work until they are 75. The other 84% would except they are pretty sure they will be dead by the time they are 74.

Data says 16% of Americans say they will work until they are 75. Which is good to know they intend to keep their end of the bargain and keep going until they completely pay off all their college loans.

A gunman who took shots at a Donald Trump hotel in Florida turns out to be a male stripper and porn star. Apparently he was upset at doing the same thing as Stormy Daniels while not getting any of the attention.

The Facebook data leak has exposed intimate details of millions of users. Although if someone really wanted to get intimate details of Facebook users, all they have to do is read any of their posts.

Millions of people lined the streets for the Royal Wedding over the weekend. The last time there was a slow-moving procession with that many people watching, the lead car was a white Ford Bronco.

The reported cost of the Royal Wedding was $45 Million. Which people wondered if that was a good idea for a young couple like that to spend so much money on a wedding when they could have instead used it for a down payment on a starter castle.

Healthcare provider Kaiser Permanente has pledged $200 Million to fight homelessness. Who are mostly homeless because they went broke trying to pay off all their medical bills.

IKEA is offering its own rewards-based credit card. The only problem is the card arrives in pieces and takes three hours to put together.

Google has revealed a robocaller with a voice that sounds eerily human. That was achieved by teaching it to use grammatical errors, awkward pauses and by starting every sentence with “So…”

Google has revealed a robocaller with a voice that sounds eerily human. That was achieved by making calls to California that always say “Like, you know,” calls to Brooklyn that say “Dese, dose and youse” and to Texas that end every sentence with “Y’all!”

Hasbro has trademarked the scent of Play-Doh. Which is fine if they are intending to come up with a fragrance line for three year olds.

A British study says marketing “light” beer and wine may backfire, causing people to drink more. Pretty much like “fat free” hasn’t resulted in the world having more skinny people.

A British study says marketing “light” beer and wine may backfire, causing people to drink more. Especially if the study included the Irish, who feel beer and wine pretty much are low alcohol.

A 70 year old Vermont woman is accused of making the deadly toxin ricin and testing it on fellow residents in her retirement community. People were shocked. Who is able these days to retire at 70?

A 70 year old Vermont woman is accused of making the deadly toxin ricin and testing it on fellow residents in her retirement community. Remember the old days when people in retirement homes just pranked each other by putting food coloring in their dentures glass?

The FDA has approved a new drug treatment for migraine headaches that costs $7,000 a year. Which is perfect for people who get a throbbing headache when they find their prescription plan doesn’t cover any of the $7,000.

A proposed bill in New York will make it illegal to force workers to take phone calls and e-mails after work hours. Especially when the e-mails and calls come in on their cellphones and keep from using them for texting, video games and social media.

The WHO says the Ebola health risk is “very high” in the Democratic Republic of the Congo but not yet an international emergency. Mostly because there are always 27 other more pressing health emergencies going on at any given time in the Congo.

Bill Gates says Donald Trump was confused of the difference between HIV and HPV. Mostly because the only initials he cares about are the ones that got him in the White House, PA, MI and OH.

The FDA is shaming drug makers fighting competitors selling generics. In fact, pharmaceutical CEOs are so upset they are having to calm down by buying new vacation homes in the Hamptons.

A UK woman lost her hearing because of a buildup of earwax. The embarrassing part was when she showed up at the audiologist’s office naked because she was told she needed a wax job.

Queen Elizabeth II loaned Meghan Markle a diamond tiara for her wedding. That was the “borrowed” part. The “blue” could have been taken care of if she used the Queen’s hair to wear under the tiara.

Queen Elizabeth II loaned Meghan Markle a diamond tiara for her wedding. Apparently the couple needed the tiara when they went over their allotted budget of $45 Million for the wedding and just didn’t have enough left over to buy their own.

Elizabeth Hurley says Meghan Markle will be an “asset” to the Royal Family. Which is a real compliment when referring to a family that is pretty much built around its assets.

“Teen Mom OG” star Catelynn Lowell says putting her daughter up for adoption was “one of the hardest decisions of her life.” What is sad is that she had no problem making the decision to be on “Teen Mom OG.”

Cowboys wide receiver Terrance Williams was arrested for public intoxication after crashing his Lamborghini and leaving the scene. Or as people who are not NFL stars who drive Lamborghinis call that, a DUI.

Terrell Owens ripped Cowboys coach Jason Garrett, saying its “mind boggling” he still has a job. What’s even more mind boggling is how someone with Owens’ talent developed a reputation that kept him out of steady work since 2008.

The Cowboys offensive line coach says he doesn’t want players who aren’t smart enough to get ketchup out of a bottle. Which means the best way to get on the team is show up with a jersey with the name and number “Heinz” and “57.”

The Cowboys offensive line coach says he doesn’t want players who aren’t smart enough to get ketchup out of a bottle. What’s worse is the ones who can get ketchup out of a bottle but only because they looked up the tutorial on Youtube.

Johnny Manziel says he has signed with the Hamilton Tiger-Cats in the CFL. He immediately trademarked his new Canadian nickname of “Johnny Football, eh?”

A 93 year old Ohio man made a hole-in-one on what was going to be his last round of golf ever. Apparently he considers the 65 years he played golf before that as just practice.

Ricky Barnes was disqualified from the AT&T Byron Nelson for signing an incorrect scorecard. What’s worse is that it was because he signed it “Ben Hogan.”

The U.S. and China have agreed on a tentative cut to the American trade deficit. Which apparently is why Donald Trump has been going after Amazon as the entire deficit is the amount of crap they keep bringing into the country from China.

The first holographic smartphone will be released this year. The amazing part will be for people texting behind the wheel who will be able to see inside their vehicle a 3-D high resolution image of the tree they are about to hit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Did you all watch the Royal Wedding? Me neither. Are you serious? Isn’t having a Royal Family the whole reason we fought the Revolutionary War? I would have been more interested in watching if they instead went to the justice of the peace, tied the knot and gave the $45 Million to the London homeless. The fun part is knowing they realize after spending that much money on a wedding they better not get divorced. I know everyone loves a fairy tale wedding with the fabulously wealthy couple that will be happy forever, but at the end of the day it’s a man and a woman and no matter how perfect their life looks on the outside, there are going to be times where life with each other isn’t so rosy and they will have to deal with it. And that was an incredibly long running sentence. I wish them the best, because I love the Royal Family who despite being in another country still give a good amount of material to this blog. As far as I’m concerned the way to live happily ever after is when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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