Wednesday, May 02, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A 96 year old World War II veteran will be given his associates degree from the University of Toledo 68 years after last taking classes there. He can now use the diploma to get a job to take him to when he can retire at 103.

An Australian scientists tuning 104 says his birthday wish is to die. Which may just happen while he is trying to blow out all those candles.

 An Australian scientists tuning 104 says his birthday wish is to die. He is mad at the other scientists who made all the medical advances that allowed him to live to 104.

A study says nearly half of all Americans report always or sometimes feeling alone. Especially when the person they are with spends all their time just looking at their cellphone.

A study says nearly half of all Americans report always or sometimes feeling alone. The report uses the UCLA Loneliness Scale, based on how lonely a person will be after going to UCLA and having to work all the time to pay off the tuition loans.

Mel Gibson is set to direct his next movie about a Kamikaze War thriller. Which is the same feeling police officers get when they pull over a car driven by Mel Gibson.

Mel Gibson is set to direct his next movie about a Kamikaze War thriller. Although it can’t be that thrilling for the Kamikaze pilots as they never come back from a flight.

The U.S. set a record borrowing $488 Billion in the First Quarter. The question is who is still loaning us money after we hit the $21 Trillion debt mark?

The U.S. set a record borrowing $488 Billion in the First Quarter. Which we will be paying off as a country until we are down to our last quarter.

Gas prices in Vancouver have hit $8 a gallon. Donald Trump would never let that happen in the U.S., as the only thing he spends that much for full service is when it involves Stormy Daniels.

Egypt is cracking down on “fake” weather reports. Which this time of year is anything other than intense sunshine with a high temperature of 116.

A report says Hollywood flops are finding new life in Chinese cinemas. Finally some good news for the career direction of Adam Sandler.

Berkeley is proposing a tax on disposable food containers. Which is bad news for Taco Bell if they decide to make the same move with disposable food.

Mitt Romney praised Donald Trump’s first year in office, saying it’s “similar to things I would have done.” Which means by not electing Romney, at least we delayed the impending collapse of the economy by four years.

Mitt Romney praised Donald Trump’s first year in office, saying it’s “similar to things I would have done.” No one had any idea he even knew who Stormy Daniels is.

A report says five years of severance pay in Venezuela is enough to buy a cup of coffee. Which is ironic for Juan Valdez who just found out he is being laid off.

Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly set to marry a transgender student 47 years her junior. Which means it is either true love or the plot summary of the latest Kardashian Family reality show.

Donald Trump is set to attend the NRA convention in Dallas, where attendees will be carrying guns and rallying in public for support of the 2nd Amendment. Which in Dallas is also known as “Tuesday.”

A California 7-Eleven is playing classical music in an effort to stop loitering. The only problem is the half hour wait at the Slurpee machine behind the line of people wearing tuxedos and evening gowns.

A California 7-Eleven is playing classical music in an effort to stop loitering. Which for the 7-Eleven crowd, classical music means playing Hank Williams, Merle Haggard and Patsy Cline instead of Blake Shelton.

Tom Brady says he is taking the 5th when asked if the Patriots appreciate him. What does he want, his $14 Million paycheck gift wrapped and scented with perfume?

Facebook is planning to launch a new dating feature. Which for people who scan the Internet looking for potential dates is pretty much known as “Facebook.”

Facebook is planning to launch a new dating feature for “meaningful, long term relationships.” Apparently it hooks up couples who are attracted to people who like to eat the same things for breakfast.

Facebook is planning to launch a new dating feature for “meaningful, long term relationships.” People are hopeful they can meet someone who spends as much time with them as they do online looking at Facebook.

A study says Facebook is a national security threat as society values “free services” over privacy. Apparently the social media site has taken its operating policies straight from the government.

A study says an invasive tree frog is posing a threat to the environment in New Orleans. Which won’t be a problem as soon as one of the chefs comes up with how they can be used to make an Etouffee.

A report says YouTube stars are being paid to promote services helping students cheat at school. Which the kids wouldn’t need if they would study instead of sitting in front of a computer watching YouTube videos all day.

The journalist who threw a pair of shoes at George W. Bush is running for President of Iraq. If that’s a trend, we could see the 2020 ballot with the name Michelle Wolf.

Nissan shocked analysts with a 28% drop in April U.S. sales. Next time, the staff at Edmunds.com will be prepared by installing all their chairs with shock absorbers.

A school district superintendent in Idaho is stepping down after being paid $400,000. The problem with his tenure was evident when one of the teachers said “That’s more than $1 Million!”

A school district superintendent in Idaho is stepping down after being paid $400,000. He is being accused of creating a hostile environment for teachers, which detractors say should only be the job of the students.

The federal government wants 1 Million people to take part in a giant health study. The questions being why, and where are they even going to find 1 Million giants?

The federal government wants 1 Million people to take part in a giant health study. Which the results will be used to determine how their health has been affected by the government taking away healthcare from 3 Million people.

Facebook is investigating a claim that an employee used his position to stalk women. He should have known it’s only OK to be like everyone else and use Facebook to stalk women on his personal time.

Regulators say Goldman Sachs traders shared confidential information about clients in chat rooms. Apparently they didn’t realize online chat rooms are supposed to just be used to try to pick up on teenage girls.

Iconic guitar maker Gibson has filed for bankruptcy. Although the firm is trying to calm investors by telling them there is no need to fret.

Iconic guitar maker Gibson has filed for bankruptcy. Although the firm is trying to calm investors by telling them their fears are just being amplified.

Over-the-counter UK sales of Viagra are prompting calls for the U.S. to follow suit. The only advice is that men should never take it unless they are under-the-counter.

Ashley Judd is suing Harvey Weinstein, saying he “torpedoed” her career. She can at least take solace in knowing what he did to his own career.

Ashley Judd is suing Harvey Weinstein, saying he “torpedoed” her career. Is that really the right word to be using when talking about Harvey Weinstein?

A 16 year old Utah high school student delivered her aunt’s baby the day after learning about childbirth at school. Now she can hardly wait for her dad to get all five of his wives pregnant.

A 16 year old Utah high school student delivered her aunt’s baby the day after learning about childbirth at school. Which made her very popular as the one to call when all the other girls in school get pregnant.

Scotland has become the first country to enforce a minimum alcohol price. Which could lead some Scots to make the unprecedented Brexit from the Brexit.

Scotland has become the first country to enforce a minimum alcohol price. Which has resulted in something never seen before, a reason for Scots to move to Ireland.

A study says young Americans age 18-22 are most likely to be lonely. At least just until they are able to reestablish their Wi-Fi connection.

A study says young Americans age 18-22 are most likely to be lonely. Or in digital vernacular, those are the ones who were swiped left.

A Scottish woman has a rare disorder that causes her to vomit up to 30 times a day. She needs to be told to just stop ordering the haggis.

Kanye West says 400 years of slavery for African-Americans was a “choice.”  Apparently they should have read the fine print when they signed up for that free boat ride.

Johnny Depp is being sued by his former security guards for unpaid wages and unsafe working conditions. Apparently they had to go to the ER on several occasions just guarding Depp while he was in character as Edward Scissorhands.

Johnny Depp is being sued by his former security guards for unpaid wages and unsafe working conditions. Although if they were really there to protect him, they would have never let him sign on to do “The Lone Ranger.”

Steve Irwin received a posthumous star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Fittingly, the star for “The Crocodile Hunter” is located right in front of a Lacoste shop.

The world’s oldest rugby player came out of retirement for an appearance at a game at age 95. The only problem is that when he is asked to scrum, he says he first needs a glass of prune juice.

Strikeout topped the number of hits for the first time ever in a month over April. Apparently it is all part of MLB’s new green policy to do what they can to save trees.

Strikeout topped the number of hits for the first time ever in a month over April. If there were any more innings with “KKK” on the scorecards, it would be mistaken for a political rally in Alabama.

Former NBA coach Don Nelson says he is spending his retirement in Hawaii with his out-of-wedlock daughter smoking weed with friends. In other words, it’s like he never left the league.

Danica Patrick says her first test run back in an Indy had her asking “Where’s neutral?” To which the other drivers told her it’s where she usually is during a race.

A former teammate of LaMelo Ball in Lithuania says he was “lazy” and “arrogant.” Meaning he would probably have been a better fit playing for France.

A report says a $100,000 trip to Morocco by EPA head Scott Pruitt was partially arranged by a lobbyist. The good news being the environment will never be as dirty as the person supposedly trying to clean it up.

The U.S. will return artifacts to Iraq that were seized from Hobby Lobby. No one had any idea the storeowner’s own hobbies would consist of  looting and plundering.

Donald Trump’s personal doctor says Trump dictated his own glowing health letter. Fortunately he was able to take out the part where Trump will “live forever while all my opponents will die from their humiliating defeat at my hands. Sad!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today turned out to be a much better joke day than yesterday. Which is easy for me to say. I’m not the one having to read all of them. Mostly because if I did read them, most of them would never make it onto the blog. But then, my motto has always been quantity over quality. I am becoming the Amazon of comedy. Only without Jeff Bezos’ money. Or his conscience. Oh, wait, that’s right. He doesn’t have one.  I hope you like my efforts today, if you want to call what I do an effort. Maybe to read them. Anyway, it is a labor of love and my reward as usual comes when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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