Friday, May 18, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Millions of eggs have been recalled due to a salmonella outbreak caused by “unacceptable rodent activity.” The question being just exactly what is acceptable rodent activity?

Millions of eggs have been recalled due to a salmonella outbreak caused by “unacceptable rodent activity.” The only acceptable rodent activity apparently being a rat pulling a pizza slice down some stairs.

Michael Cohen reportedly asked Qatar for $1 Million for access to and advice about the Trump Administration. Apparently Qatar officials were only interested in the real scoop about Stormy Daniels.

The childbirth rate in the U.S. has dropped to an all-time low. Which can mean only one thing. Kevin Federline has finally gotten a vasectomy.

A study says the U.S. has spent $2.8 Trillion on the fight against terrorism. And all they got for that were a bunch of naked pictures of people who were sent through the airport body scanners.

Ten children in a California home were reportedly waterboarded, shot with a crossbow and had scalding water poured on them. The good news is their parents are now being recruited for positions as agents in the CIA.

Bumble Bee’s CEO has been indicted for fixing the price of tuna. How ironic that the CEO of Bumble Bee was caught in a sting operation.

The CEO of Bumble Bee has been indicted for fixing the price of tuna. When he asked for a reduction in bail, the judge said “Sorry, Charlie.”

Millions of eggs have been recalled due to a salmonella outbreak caused by “unacceptable rodent activity. Now he’s worry about being canned.

FM radio in the UK is facing a government switch-off as digital listening has passed 50%. The danger is that with FM gone, there is no format left where people can hear the full version of “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.”

A computer has reportedly cracked the code of pop music success, saying it helps to be “female” and “happy.” That’s just more bad news for the group U2.

Donald Trump says the U.S. is not repeating the Libyan Model with North Korea. The fear being we will instead use the models we used in Iraq, Vietnam or the Bay of Pigs.

Donald Trump says the U.S. is not repeating the Libyan Model with North Korea. Mostly because there is no need since we never signed a peace agreement with North Korea, and we can just pick the war back up where we left it in 1953.

A NASA study says there have been major changes in the fresh water availability worldwide. Mostly in the fact that fresh water can still be found just about anywhere other than Flint, Michigan.

The NIH has stopped a $100 Million study on moderate drinking that was funded by the alcohol industry. Especially when it turns out the money was being raised with games of “quarters” and “beer pong.”

Pope Francis I says Chilean bishops will get past their sex scandal. Mostly in the usual way the Church gets through sex scandals, by doing absolutely nothing about it.

An appellate court has denied Donald Trump’s motion to freeze Summer Zervos’ defamation suit. The bad news for Zervos is that the court told her when it comes to suing Donald Trump for defamation, she will just have to get in line like everyone else.

Singapore is working on cutting the number of people there who are nearsighted. They say they would have acted sooner but that hindsight is always 20/20.

Singapore is working on cutting the number of people there who are nearsighted. Experts say the rate is so high because children there spend so much time reading and writing. Which is good news for American kids who using that formula will never need glasses in their life.

Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti is being accused of stiffing a former partner. Which turns out for anyone representing Stormy Daniels, “stiffing” someone is a poor choice of words.

Meghan Markle will have to adopt the Royal Code of Etiquette after marrying Prince Harry. Which like the rest of the Royal Family pretty much means not getting up before noon, finding ways to pretend to be busy and most importantly always having one hand doing the Royal parade wave.

A Florida man threatening to blow up mosques was caught by authorities using caller ID. Which shows that if you want to be a terrorist, at least go through the trouble to learn how to use “*67.”

The U.S. just completed rare joint naval exercises with the French. Rare in the fact that the French forces did not go through the entire exercise in retreat.

Meghan Markle as a Royal will be getting a crash course on escape and evasion. Mostly escaping any type of real work and evading anyone holding a camera.

Meghan Markle as a Royal will be getting a crash course on escape and evasion. Apparently she wants the training not so much to escape and evade terrorists or kidnappers, but on how to avoid running into anyone from her family.

The British are considering arming police officers in rural areas. Apparently they don’t need them for law enforcement there, it’s just so when they get bored they can kill time shooting at squirrels.

The British are considering arming police officers in rural areas. Apparently they are getting serious about stopping any more space aliens from coming down and making those crop circles.

A report says fewer Americans are putting off weddings and children because of money. Mostly because people feel safe getting married when they’re broke, especially when divorce doesn’t matter because you can’t lose half of nothing.

An analysis says Uber drivers take home $9.21 an hour, less than minimum wage in many cities. Apparently it’s a tradeoff for people who think it at least sounds cooler to say they drive for Uber rather than saying they work for 7-Eleven, McDonald’s or Wal-Mart.

A report raises doubts that Millennials will use Facebook’s proposed dating site. Especially when most of the people in the site’s dating pool are their parents’ friends.

Facebook is proposing a new dating service to try to get business from their 200 Million single users. The only problem is that 199.9 Million of their “single” users are actually married men who have a fake site to hit on other women.

A poll says three fourths of Americans see, read or hear about Donald Trump’s tweets. Especially the people who need to keep up on things while making the decision on whether or not to build a backyard bomb shelter.

The FDA is planning to publicly name drug companies standing in the way of cheaper generics. Which it turns out is pretty much all of them.

The American Heart Association says eating fish twice a week can ward off heart disease. That’s true. When is the last time you ever saw someone giving CPR to a shark?

The American Heart Association says eating fish twice a week can ward off heart disease. Although that doesn’t include fried fish, which is not heart healthy. In fact, people don’t realize that because of fried fish, the “D” in Captain D’s stands for “defibrillator.”

A study says young Americans get half their smoke through hookahs. The other half prefers to call it by its less sophisticated name of “bong.”

A study says young Americans get half their smoke through hookahs. Which confused Donald Trump who says Stormy Daniels is an adult film star, not a “hookah.”

The CDC says parasites and bacteria may be lurking in hotel pools and hot tubs. Although it turns out that water is still safer than anything coming out of the tap in Flint, Michigan.

The CDC says parasites and bacteria may be lurking in hotel pools and hot tubs. But they are still not as disgusting as the creepy guy who just got out of the hot tub before you wearing a pair of Speedos.

A study says teens who watch more medical marijuana ads are more likely to smoke pot. Which just means those companies have found a very good advertising agency.

A study says teens who watch more medical marijuana ads are more likely to smoke pot. The only question is do the pot dispensaries get a cut of the resulting increase in local pizzeria sales?

The CDC says it is safe again to eat romaine lettuce. Which is great news for the three Americans who really missed it as a regular part of their diet.

The upcoming Royal Wedding will come with a price tag of $45 Million. Mostly the additional security to keep out all the members of Meghan Markle’s family.

The upcoming Royal Wedding will come with a price tag of $45 Million. Mostly for the private stables that had to be rented out for Duchess Camilla.

The upcoming Royal Wedding will come with a price tag of $45 Million. Which must make all the dads here feel better when footing the bill for a wedding which on average runs $44,967,000 less.

The creator of “Jane The Virgin” says of the show’s end, “We’re going to close things up.” Which is pretty much how she was able to stay a virgin in the first place.

Mohamed Bamba set a record with the longest arm span in NBA draft combine history at 7’10.” Which means he can pretty much slam dunk while sitting at half court in a Barcalounger.

Mohamed Bamba set a record with the longest arm span in NBA draft combine history at 7’10.” With elbows that can stick out that far, teammates are urged not to try to get in his way in the buffet line.

Michigan State’s $500 Million payout because of Larry Nassar’s sex assaults could result in a tuition hike for students. Although the only hike the students will support is the one they are telling the administration to go take.

Michigan State’s $500 Million payout because of Larry Nassar’s sex assaults could result in a tuition hike for students. Well, what’s another ten years of paying off student loans just because the school looked the other way with a sex offender who makes Harvey Weinstein look like a Boy Scout?

Metta World Peace says he was approached at St John’s in the 1990s to fix games. The question being why did anyone need to fix games that they were pretty much destined to lose in the first place?

The NCAA says it will start allowing championships in gambling states. Which is a good idea because of the Supreme Court decision where in another couple of years that will be pretty much every state.

The NCAA says it will start allowing championships in gambling states. Which instead of only allowing sports gambling in Nevada, that means the NCAA will be taking its share while cutting out the middleman.

Bartolo Colon was hit by a line drive in the stomach but still managed to pitch to a 5-1 win. He was just lucky the ball didn’t get lost in there like the Wrigley Field ivy and be called a ground rule double.

Shaquille O’Neal is selling his Florida mansion for $28 Million. It will be nice for the next buyer as long as they don’t mind the doorways being ten feet high, nine feet wide with the doorknobs six feet above the floor.

Donald Trump says he donated his first quarter salary to the VA. Although now it comes out he corrected that to just donating the first quarter he earned this year.

Bill Gates says he had to explain to Donald Trump the difference between HIV and HPV. What’s worse is he also had to explain the difference between MPG and MPH, and GPS and GPA.

The White House is weighing shrinking its communications team because of leaks. Which means eliminating all but the most loyal workers will soon have the entire White House run by two people.

The White House is weighing shrinking its communications team because of leaks. At least that’s the word from an unnamed anonymous source.

The White House is weighing shrinking its communications team because of leaks. Which is no surprise coming from an administration whose idea of communicating is spreading lies and deception while whining that the media is just out to get them.

Democrats have introduced a bill that would prohibit congressmen from sleeping in their offices. They should be like everyone else and just sleep in chambers while Congress is in session.

Democrats have introduced a bill that would prohibit congressmen from sleeping in their offices. Although many members of Congress are finding it impractical to rent an apartment when they are only in Washington, D.C. three days a month.

An Alabama congressman says rising sea levels are not caused by global warming as much as from rocks falling into the ocean. Apparently they are the same ones that are falling out of his head.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am glad it’s Friday. How original was that thought? I wonder if anyone else has ever celebrated the end of the workweek? I hope you all enjoy your weekend. I will be back with the jokes as usual on Monday so I hope you all stop by to check them out. And above all, make sure you remember to always keep on sending the love!



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The White House is weighing shrinking its communications team because of leaks. Which is no surprise coming from an administration whose idea of communicating is spreading lies and deception while whining that the media is just out to get them.

WOW, So inaccurate...and not even funny.