Thursday, May 17, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Turkey is urging the Islamic nations of the world to unite against Israel. In other words, they are saying just keep everything the same way it’s been the past 5,000 years.

ABC says it will dial back on political humor on “Roseanne” next season. Almost like the way they have dialed back on any hint of humor on “The Goldbergs” and “Alex, Inc.”

The oldest living person ever at 128 years old in Russian says she wishes she had died young and that longevity is a “punishment.” To which Larry King tells her to wait another 30 years and she might change her mind.

The oldest living person ever at 128 years old in Russian says she wishes she had died young and that longevity is a “punishment.” Apparently once you hit middle age at 95, it all goes downhill fast.

The oldest living person ever at 128 years old in Russian says she wishes she had died young and that longevity is a “punishment.” Mostly because it had to be tough with her prime years being spent surviving the Bolshevik Revolution.

The oldest living person ever at 128 years old in Russian says she wishes she had died young and that longevity is a “punishment.” Apparently she feels taken advantage of being constantly asked if she can watch over the great, great, great, great grandchildren.

Facebook has detailed its policy for sex, terror and hate content. Which if completely eliminated would only leave pictures of what people ate for breakfast and cat videos.

Facebook says it disabled 1 Billion fake accounts last year. Which was a real disappointment for the men who no longer have a way to hit on other women and keep it secret from their wives.

A study says chimps have cleaner beds than humans. Which is no surprise when you just ask Bubbles about what was going on with Michael Jackson at the Neverland Ranch all those years.

A report says there are more billionaires in the world than ever at 2,754. Mostly because half of them reached that status buying $1,000 of Bitcoins two years ago and will be back to being broke in another three weeks when the price crashes.

Filling up at the gas pump costs Americans an extra $4.4 Billion in April from rising prices. That doesn’t even include the people who had to go to the ER after filling up at a 7-Eleven and eating a couple of Slim Jims in line.

5.19 Million Californians are said to be planning to travel over the Memorial Day Weekend. And because of the cost of living and crowded conditions, 5.18 Million of them won’t be coming back.

A report says half of men in their 30s are suffering impotence. Which is no big deal because it’s not like most of them ever have the opportunity to have sex when driving for Uber and living in their parents’ basement.

Three tourists have been confirmed as the first global cases of drug-resistant “super gonorrhea.” Which means ground zero is located right at their own ground zero.

The city with the worst air quality in the world, Kanpur, India is struggling to track its pollution. Which shouldn’t be that hard considering it’s pretty much all that brown stuff in the air right in front of everyone’s eyes.

A Florida man was killed by an exploding vape pen, with burns over 80% of his body. Instead of needing to ask anyone for a light, he pretty much became the light.

A Florida man was killed by an exploding vape pen, with burns over 80% of his body. Which is ironic that he was vaping instead of using cigarettes but was himself turned into one big ash.

A hotel in Kenya is charging $10,000 for a package that includes watching the Royal Wedding on TV. Although that same money will get you set up for your own Royal Wedding with the currently imprisoned relative of a Nigerian prince.

Pope Francis I has warned nuns to use “sobriety” and “discretion” on social media. Is that really the biggest problem facing the Church? How many lawsuits have been filed by angry parents over a few political posts on Facebook?

Pope Francis I has warned nuns to use “sobriety” and “discretion” on social media. That’s easier said than done. If everyone used sobriety and discretion on social media, it would have prevented half of all divorces.

A judge has struck down California’s assisted suicide law. Which means anyone killing themselves could be facing a life sentence.

A judge has struck down California’s assisted suicide law. Which is a surprise as the law is backed by the health insurance industry which can save billions of dollars on sick patients using just one shot as opposed to years of paying for expensive treatments.

Rapper T.I. was arrested outside his gated community in Atlanta for assault. Which the police then just transferred him to another gated community.

The Senate Intelligence Committee says Russian officials conspired to help Donald Trump in 2016. Although Democrats admitted they did just as much to help Trump by running Hillary Clinton.

Donald Trump reportedly earned up to $1 Million on royalties from “The Art of the Deal” last year. Although people who bought the book are demanding a refund after seeing how Trump can’t even negotiate a deal that will make Stormy Daniels go away.

A report says revenue at Donald Trump’s golf courses have not seen any pickup since he entered the White House. Mostly because when Trump plays every weekend, between his friends, staff and Secret Service there isn’t room for anyone else to get a tee time.

Southwest Airlines is hoping $49 fares will help draw customers after their first passenger death earlier this year. What a great promotional idea. Who can resist a chance at dying for less than $50?

A report says admission tests may become optional for law schools. Instead of taking a written exam, most schools are more interested in students showing off an ability to chase ambulances, steal candy from babies and outfitting all their clients with neck braces.

A report says the Trump tax overhaul makes it a great time to be a wealthy heir. The question being when has it ever not been a good time to be a wealthy heir?

Stan Lee is suing his former company for $1 Billion, claiming they took advantage of his declining eyesight. The company contends he still should have been able to rely on his tingling spider senses.

A study says people who eat a healthy diet may have larger brain volume. Which explains why all those vegans talking about their lifestyle always have such big heads.

The top lawyer at Novartis has resigned over hiring Michael Cohen for $100,000 a month for advice on Donald Trump’s health care policies. Which could have been handled for free by anyone on Obamacare who can testify Trump is determined to just take it all away.

The top lawyer at Novartis has resigned over hiring Michael Cohen for $100,000 a month for advice on Donald Trump’s health care policies. Although with what Trump is doing with everyone’s healthcare, he could have gotten Stormy Daniels for $30,000 less to do the same thing.

An Internet controversy has started over whether an audio recording is saying “Laurel” or “Yanny.” Which is still easier to determine than any lyrics ever sung by Bob Dylan.

Kendra Wilkinson is asking for dating and sex advice after the breakup of her marriage. To which most men are advising her to date and have sex with them.

Kendra Wilkinson is asking for dating and sex advice after the breakup of her marriage. The question is, why wasn’t she asking for dating advice before moving in with an 82 year old Hugh Hefner?

Kim Kardashian was slammed for promoting appetite suppressing lollipops. If anyone really wants to lose their appetite, all they need to do is watch two or three episodes of “The Kardashians.”

Prince Harry says he still has issues with paparazzi. Which is tough to have sympathy for someone whose only job has ever been to smile for the cameras while being chauffeured around town.

CBS says it doesn’t want “The Big Bang Theory” to end after season 12. Mostly because since it’s the first hit they have had since “The Beverly Hillbillies,” they are thinking more like after season 47.

The NFL will vote on kickoff rules changes for safety to avoid high-speed collisions. Apparently players on kicking teams will instead be told to just return the ball with a brisk walk.

Lucas Glover’s wife reportedly verbally abuses him after he plays a poor round of golf. It’s so bad that whenever he hits a shot, it turns out he is the one yelling “Go in the hole!”

Derek Jeter says he is “upbeat but unhappy” with the Marlins record and attendance. After playing his entire career with the Yankees, that has to be like working for Google and then going over to Amazon.

The Buffalo Bills have retired Thurman Thomas’ number 34. As opposed to O.J. Simpson who not only had his playing number 32 retired, but also his inmate number 1027820. (BTW, that’s his real prison number lol)

A congressional bill aims to stop shipping opioids through the mail. Although the one good part is that it delays addiction for the three to four years that people are sitting around waiting for delivery.

A congressional bill aims to stop shipping opioids through the mail. Although it will be a real inconvenience for people who have to go to the bus terminal to buy their painkillers instead of enjoying the benefits of home delivery.

Jeff Sessions has added 300 new prosecutors to his staff. And those are just to help with the work overload from Stormy Daniels, the Russian investigation and the firing of James Comey.

The social media adviser to Donald Trump confidant Roger Stone has been hit with special counsel subpoenas. Which wouldn’t be necessary in the Trump Administration if their social media advisers would just tell them all to stay away from social media.

The U.S. Surgeon General says he assisted with a medical emergency on a Delta Airlines flight. Apparently it had something to do with EPA head Scott Pruitt having a panic attack when he found his ticket was for coach.

The U.S. Surgeon General says he assisted with a medical emergency on a Delta Airlines flight. Or as a medical emergency is called on a United Airlines flight, a United Airlines flight.

The U.S. Surgeon General says he assisted with a medical emergency on a Delta Airlines flight. Fortunately he saw the movie “Airplane” and knew how to treat a passenger who ordered the fish.

A Senate hearing revealed that EPA head Scott Pruitt requests that sirens be used on his vehicles during non-emergency situations. He also requested 24/7 armed security. Who do we have in charge of the environment, Barney Fife?

A Senate hearing revealed that EPA head Scott Pruitt requests that sirens be used on his vehicles during non-emergency situations. And the way he has been running the department, pretty much every environmental crisis is considered a non-emergency.

A lawyer for a New York politician being tried for bribery denies there were any backroom deals. Mostly because he adopted the New Jersey way of doing business and just took all his bribes out in the open.

A poll says Donald Trump’s approval ratings for Republicans 18-44 are low. People were surprised. There are still people in the 18-44 age group who are Republicans?

A poll says Donald Trump’s approval ratings for Republicans 18-44 are low. Mostly because like everyone else, Donald Trump’s ideas won’t really make sense and appeal to them until they hit 72.

An iPhone X with a solar charger panel on the back is selling for $4,500. Which is totally impractical because the Millennials it is being marketed to never leave their parents’ basement to actually be exposed to any sunlight.

Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano has been ranked in the top ten most dangerous volcanoes in the U.S. Which isn’t hard to believe with the question does the U.S. even have ten volcanoes?

Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano has been ranked in the top ten most dangerous volcanoes in the U.S. Mostly because of the fact that all volcanoes are pretty much dangerous.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Not quite as great a humor day as yesterday, in my opinion. In other words, it is back to business as usual. It’s amazing how some days the jokes fly out at you, and other days it’s a struggle. But then writing 50-60 jokes on a daily basis is never that easy, and I hope you appreciate the effort I put into this. Which at times seems minimal I know but it is still not always easy. I appreciate you checking out the blog every day, and I always appreciate the effort when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Always appreciate your efforts. Don't know how you do it every day, but please don't stop. It makes my day (and many others') a lot brighter ... and funnier.

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