Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


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Two surgeons in China are developing a method to transplant human heads, along with neck bolts and electricity. It’s nice to see medical technology has jumped ahead all the way to 1818.

Two surgeons in China are developing a method to transplant human heads, along with neck bolts and electricity. This could result in a posthumous Nobel Prize in Medicine for Mary Shelley.

Matt Dillon’s new film earned the highest level of disgust at this year’s Cannes Film Festival. It was so bad that some people were assuming it was the sequel to “There’s Something About Mary.”

Sweden says it needs another 200,000 workers to maintain its welfare state. Which works out fine if they can just give those jobs to some of the people to get them off welfare.

Pope Francis I says he has thoughts about when it’s time to “take leave.” How bad is it getting when people are dissatisfied with management when they are working directly under God?

Pope Francis I says he has thoughts about when it’s time to “take leave.” To which Donald Trump told him if he really wants to work for a Supreme Being he should come work at the White House.

Israel is facing a diplomatic backlash after dozens were killed in Gaza protesting the U.S. embassy moving to Jerusalem. No one had any idea the type of diplomacy that would be promoted by the embassy would be the gunboat kind.

Bill O’Reilly is reportedly in talks to return to cable news. So far the most popular suggestions for shows he can star in are “Lockup,” “iZombie” or “Criminal Minds.”

The Salt Lake Tribune has laid off a third of its newsroom staff. The only department making money at the paper are the wedding announcements that can list up to five brides at a time.

A new chemical compound is said to “stop the common cold in its tracks.” Don’t we already have that compound? It’s called vodka, bourbon and rum.

Lie detector computer kiosks along with Artificial Intelligence are said to be the future of border security. As opposed to the current method of determining who gets in based on their skin color.

Police in Germany were called to a domestic dispute that turned out to be a man arguing with a parrot. Apparently the man was screaming “You’re not such a pretty bird!”

Police in Germany were called to a domestic dispute that turned out to be a man arguing with a parrot. Apparently the man was yelling “Polly doesn’t need another cracker!”

Worries are growing over a new pig virus that poses a possible threat to humans. Although it still isn’t as deadly as what happens to people who eat bacon at every meal.

The Lincoln Foundation is putting a Marilyn Monroe dress on the auction block to save presidential memorabilia from the same fate. Just how many presidents did she end up having affairs with?

Homeland Security sent agents to Pennsylvania for security in the primary election. The state hasn’t been considered this much of a threat during elections since they voted for Donald Trump in 2016.

A survey says one quarter of Americans spend all day indoors. Mostly Millennials who figure with access to video games, pizza and Netflix, what reason is there to ever leave their parents’ basement?

A study says where people live can determine their level of health and happiness. In other words, do whatever you can to stay out of North Dakota.

Homeowners in Hawaii are worried whether their insurance policies cover them for damage from volcanoes. It turns out the ones who aren’t have policies that consider lava an “act of Pele.”

A naked man reportedly ran up and down the aisle of an Alaska Airlines jet inflight. Apparently he was just happy to be out of Alaska where he always had to have on at least six layers of clothes.

An Illinois man stripped naked because the Burger King he went to was closed. At least he was finally able to have it his way.

An Illinois man stripped naked because the Burger King he went to was closed. Apparently he was acting out his own production of “The Burger King’s New Clothes.”

There is an outcry in Mali after an albino child was beheaded in a “ritual” murder. Who says occasionally using a tanning salon isn’t healthy?

Facebook has told Parliament that Mark Zuckerberg has “no plans” to appear to answer 40 questions over the social network’s policies. Although Zuckerberg says they can instead choose to friend him and ask whatever they want with personal messaging.

Vladimir Putin says new weapons will maintain Russia’s might for decades. Which is a big mistake for the Russian leader as he has now basically challenged Donald Trump by saying his button is bigger.

Donald Trump is being criticized for trying to save jobs at ZTE, saying its failure would cost “too many jobs in China.” Apparently Trump wants to keep his promise to create jobs but claims he actually never said the jobs would be here.

The Vatican is telling cloistered nuns not to tweet too much because they have taken a vow of silence. Apparently they have to be so quiet they aren’t even allowed to “lol.”

The Vatican is telling cloistered nuns not to use Twitter too much because they have taken a vow of silence. How bad is it when you have to be so quiet you can’t even let out an occasional “tweet.”

People are being warned that dangerous sulfur dioxide levels near the Hawaii volcano could an “inability to breathe.” Which is a feeling most people in Hawaii only experience when they get their first rental bill.

Legal pot sales netted California $61 Million in taxes in the first quarter of 2018. Which means it generated nearly as much revenue as the property taxes from any three homes in Silicon Valley.

Facebook says it has removed 583 Million fake accounts so far this year. The sad part is those were the only ones that had actually friended Mark Zuckerberg.

Facebook says it removed 836 Million spam posts so far this year. Although it turns out those were mostly pictures of meals that people were posting where the main ingredient is Spam.

The Insurance Institute of Highway Safety is investigating why there has been an 81% increase in the number of pedestrians killed by SUVs in the past decade. The answer being in the past ten years there has been an 81% increase in the number of SUV drivers having cellphones.

Twitter says it has a new plan to combat trolls. Which it turns out can only be done by pretty much kicking everyone off Twitter.

Twitter says it has a new plan to combat trolls. The bad part is that the only way it could be done is by closing down Donald Trump’s account.

The White House and EPA tried to block a report on a nationwide water contamination crisis, fearing it would cause a “public relations nightmare.” As opposed to public relations dreams like Stormy Daniels, Anthony Scaramucci, Puerto Rico, Charlottesville, James Comey…

The White House and EPA tried to block a report on a nationwide water contamination crisis, saying water quality is lower than what the EPA considers safe. Which is pretty bad, considering Scott Pruitt describes Flint Michigan’s lead-contaminated water supply as “full of essential minerals.”

Three fourths of Americans say they would still own a car they need to personally drive even when driverless cars become available. Mostly because people like to have something to keep them busy while they are texting.

A study says men in physically taxing jobs are at a greater risk of early death. Which is really bad as most American men feel a physically taxing job is where they need to climb a flight of stairs to get to the office.

A 113 year old Cleveland woman is now the oldest person in the U.S. She’s really only 75, but says living in Cleveland her whole life just makes it feel like she’s 113.

A California man is offering his truck and a kidney in a trade for a liver transplant for his wife. He made the offer on Facebook because apparently it was just a little too specific to put on eBay.

A California man is offering his truck and a kidney in a trade for a liver transplant for his wife. Although he is willing to bargain down to a gall bladder for a spleen and small intestine.

A study says breathing polluted air while pregnant can be a health risk for children. If your unborn child is being exposed to polluted air, you may really need to make sure the air is just coming in through your nose.

The wife of golfer Lucas Glover was arrested for attacking him for poor play. Not only that, since he couldn’t get away from her he was assessed a two stroke penalty for slow play.

The wife of golfer Lucas Glover was arrested for attacking him for poor play. Police say he suffered lacerations, which is ironic in that it was the one time he didn’t miss the cut.

The wife of golfer Lucas Glover was arrested for attacking him for poor play. It could have been worse, but fortunately he listened to Tiger Woods and made sure he took the 9 iron out of her bag.

Kyle Larson received a severe penalty from NASCAR for having an improper rear window. Not only that, they are also making him take down the foam dice from his rear-view mirror.

Red Sox reliever Carson Smith injured his shoulder when he threw his glove in anger. The irony is that the glove he was using is a Tommy John autograph model.

Charles Barkley says legalized gambling isn’t dangerous, even though he claims to have lost $30 Million on bets. Mostly because if he didn’t gamble it away he would have just spent it on pizza.

French tennis player Alize Cornet has been cleared of charges of doping. Mostly because the investigators felt if she was doping, they wouldn’t be asking “Who is Alize Cornet?”

A former lawyer of Donald Trump says he would have advised against hiring Rudy Giuliani. Which people are asking why is Donald Trump the only one who didn’t think that was a bad idea?

Governor John Kasich is telling immigrants to come work in Ohio. To which the immigrants are saying “Doing what?”

Governor John Kasich is telling immigrants to come work in Ohio. To which the immigrants are asking why since they pretty much just moved away from a place that was better than Ohio.

Donald Trump visited Melania Trump in the hospital where she underwent kidney surgery. Apparently he feels the personal visit takes the place of the Mother’s Day gift he forgot to give her.

The White House has cut the cybersecurity coordinator position. Mostly because it’s pretty much a useless job as long as Donald Trump still has access to his Twitter account.

Australia is using the weight of train cars to estimate crowd sizes. In the U.S. that could be done by taking the weight of the car and figuring out how many people are aboard by dividing by 295 pounds.

Facebook says it took down 21 Million pieces of adult nudity over three months. Which at least shows that Anthony Wiener has finally gotten away from just using Twitter.

A study says popular music is seeing a rise in sadness. Mostly because half the songs are about Taylor Swift’s most recent breakup.

A survey shows that New York City is not in the top 50 for fittest residents. Mostly because while people do walk a lot, they can’t resist stopping at every other food vendor for a slice of pizza, hot dog or tamale.

A survey shows that New York City is not in the top 50 for fittest residents. Mostly because that rat got famous carrying a slice of pizza, not alfalfa sprouts and brown rice.

A study says the four drunkest cities in the U.S. are in Wisconsin. Which is finally starting to explain how they ended up with Governor Scott Walker.

A study says the four drunkest cities in the U.S. are in Wisconsin. Mostly because it’s the only way those people can cope with living in Wisconsin.

A study says the four drunkest cities in the U.S. are in Wisconsin. Which gives them the new slogan, “The beer that gave Milwaukee cirrhosis.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, that seemed like a pretty good batch today. But then, what do I know. I think every day is a pretty good batch. And I am just glad to know there are those of you out there who feel the same. Or just have a lot of time on your hands. I haven’t checked the daily numbers on the site in awhile, so I am just going to assume I am getting close to my goal of 7 Billion daily readers. I want to thank you all for telling your friends and family to check out the blog and help me reach my ultimate objective of world domination. But in the meantime, I will settle for the feeling I get when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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