Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Southwest Airlines has had their third safety incident in a month. United Airlines was shocked at that record. They had three flights in a month that actually took off?

A report says popular foods contain ingredients made from bug parts, charred animal bones and feathers. Which in Spanish, when all are combined together translates to “Chalupa.”

Gasoline prices are forecast to reach $3 a gallon this summer, even higher if there is some kind of geopolitical event. Well, what could the odds be of something ever going wrong in the Middle East?

A report says Democrats are jockeying to define their party with an eye on the 2020 election. Which right now their party is defined as the one not in office.

A report says Democrats are jockeying to define their party with an eye on the 2020 election. Which their best bet is going with being the party that didn’t give America Donald Trump.

Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin took actions that angered gun owners and gay rights groups on the same day. Which shows the only way to bring people together now is to give them a common enemy.

Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin took actions that angered gun owners and gay rights groups on the same day. Which is ironic in that half the men in Oklahoma carry guns just so everyone doesn’t think they’re gay.

A new Saudi TV station is feeding into the drive for modernization. The only problem is making sure all the potential viewers have a pair of rabbit ears so they can get the broadcast signal.

A new Saudi TV station is feeding into the drive for modernization. The three most popular shows are “People’s Sharia Court: Guilty!,” “Buck Rogers Abboud in the 15th Century” and “Dancing With The Stars Who Are Now Infidels For Dancing.”

A German official wants to target outside online anti-Semitism. Which can pretty much be done by just blocking all the websites originating in the southern U.S.

An Illinois woman is pregnant with her daughter’s twins. If one of those twins is evil, that would make for a perfect soap opera plot line.

Lindsey Buckingham addressed his firing from Fleetwood Mac at age 68. Which Keith Richards says is so sad to see someone have career issues at such a young age.

Lindsey Buckingham addressed his firing from Fleetwood Mac at age 68. Apparently when the group wants to hold a dinner meeting, they expect everyone to be there on time at 4:30 in the afternoon.

Steve Wynn’s plans to sell a $70 Million Picasso were put on hold when the painting was damaged. The question is, when a Picasso is damaged how can anyone even tell?

Steve Wynn’s plans to sell a $70 Million Picasso were put on hold when the painting was damaged. It’s the second time he has damaged a work of art, which he claims both times he was framed.

Former HHS Secretary Tom Price says everyone should have access to healthcare. Just like with the mansion and Rolls Royce that everyone should also have, just as long as they can afford to pay for it.

A group of senators say they were “disturbed” with details of torture by the CIA and the role of nominee Gina Haspel in the program. They say the experiences they read about looked almost as cruel as being grilled by a Senate subcommittee.

Dozens of people were killed at the Gaza border protesting the opening of the new U.S. embassy in Jerusalem. Well, that’s a good start for a building that is based on promoting diplomacy.

A Supreme Court ruling has opened the door for states to legalize sports betting. To which Pete Rose is saying “Where were these judges back in 1984?”

HHS Secretary Alex Azar says Donald Trump’s plan to lower the price of drugs is the “boldest in history.” Only because it is the only one in history.

Surf Air is offering an “all you can fly” membership policy. Which is different from United Airlines’ policy which says as soon as you take your seat they may determine that is all you can fly.

Surf Air is offering an “all you can fly” membership policy. As opposed to United Airlines where “all you can fly” is the time it takes from when the police throw you off the plane until you hit the tarmac.

A report says $3 dollar a gallon gasoline would erase the effects of 37% of the recent tax cuts. Which means the tax cuts were just a gift from Donald Trump to the oil company executives and all of us were just the middleman.

A report says one third of able-bodied men 25-54 could be put out of work by robots by 2050. Although if it weren’t that, it would be because a man who is 54 now will be out of work because in 2050 he’ll be 86.

A report says one third of able-bodied men 25-54 could be put out of work by robots by 2050. The good news is that looking around, there are only seven able-bodied American men in the first place.

Rockport has followed Payless and Nine West shoe companies in declaring bankruptcy. Mostly because Americans aren’t buying shoes anymore since they stopped walking back in 1973.

Warren Buffett will again auction a private lunch for charity that last year went for $2.6 Million. Which proves at least when it comes to Warren Buffet there really is no such thing as a free lunch.

Warren Buffett will again auction a private lunch for charity that last year went for $2.6 Million. Which means considering all the lawyers’ fees, that still makes it less expensive than Donald Trump’s “lunch” with Stormy Daniels.

Warren Buffett will again auction a private lunch for charity that last year went for $2.6 Million. The worst part is having to leave a 20% tip of $520,000.

Apple CEO Tim Cook addressed graduates at Duke, ripping Facebook and Google over their privacy policies. Although it’s tough to convince students who have just ended four years of dorm room living there is any such thing as privacy in the first place.

Flight attendants are claiming airlines have done nothing to address sexual harassment on the job. To which the airlines are saying what can they do other than take away Ralph Fiennes’ inflight bathroom privileges?

A study says opioid prescriptions are tied to perks given doctors by pharmaceutical companies. Not to mention the kickbacks from ER doctors for all the business they are getting from overdoses.

A report says the noise control center at Rutgers has been fighting what it calls the problem of noise pollution for 28 years. The solution is having the University librarian give everyone a stern “Shush!”

A report says the noise control center at Rutgers has been fighting what it calls the problem of noise pollution for 28 years. Their biggest advancement is getting the New Jersey mob bosses to make all their hit men make sure to always use a silencer.

A survey says nearly 50% of Americans feel left out or lonely. The obvious solution is to try to hook those people up with the other half.

The WHO is urging all countries to ban trans fats within five years. Which most people think trans fats is when Caitlyn Jenner starts putting on a few pounds.

The WHO is urging all countries to ban trans fats within five years. The down side is that every state and county fair in the U.S. would go out of business overnight.

Psychedelic drugs are the focus of new studies on how to treat depression. Mostly because when is the last time you have seen a sad hippie?

The American Heart Association says talking while getting a blood pressure test can raise the results ten points. Especially when talking to the doctor about how much the office visit will cost.

The American Heart Association says getting a blood pressure test with a full bladder can raise the results ten to fifteen points. Mostly when the patient has a full bladder because they just went to Starbucks and are thinking about how much they just spent.

The American Heart Association says using a cuff that is too small for a blood pressure test can raise the results two to ten points. Although the problem with high blood pressure may not be the cuff is too small but the patient’s arms are too big.

A study says parents are OK with movie violence for kids if it is “justified.” Like if the character played by Adam Sandler is being severely beaten by the other actors.

A study says parents are OK with movie violence for kids if it is “justified.” Like if someone cracks Jar Jar Binks over the head with a lightsaber.

New Jersey residents may have been exposed to measles at several places, including Newark Airport. The good news is that of all the things that can happen to people at Newark Airport, measles is one of the least dangerous.

Fox says it is picking up the show “Last Man Standing” because of the success of the “Roseanne” reboot and not because of politics. And also because there just aren’t enough programs on network TV featuring paunchy middle aged white men.

The Lifetime movie about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle was mocked by critics for its over-the-top storyline. Which when given the chance to air a storyline that isn’t over-the-top, Lifetime programmers say “Why start now?”

Queen Elizabeth II has officially approved the Prince Harry and Meghan Markle wedding, five days before the event. Which was causing great concern for Harry wondering if she didn’t approve whether he would get back his deposit on Windsor Castle.

Pirates pitcher Jameson Taillon says he would pee on his injured finger if he thought it would help. The way to tell that he did is when the catcher keeps signaling for number one.

Pirates pitcher Jameson Taillon says he would pee on his injured finger if he thought it would help. The way to tell if he did it is when the Pirates hire Moises Alou as a pitching coach.

Mark Cuban says the Supreme Court ruling on sports gambling double the value of his team the Dallas Mavericks. Although being able to bet outside of Las Vegas means the only reason to go there anymore is for sex, casinos and alcohol. In other words, nothing is going to change.

Mark Cuban says the Supreme Court ruling on sports gambling double the value of his team the Dallas Mavericks. It could also increase the amount of money being placed on the Cleveland Browns to win all the way up to $7.

Bill Belichick has hired a Taekwondo black belt to help the Patriots with their pass rush. His strategy is called “Crouching Panther, Hidden Dolphin.”

Former NFL officiating head Dean Blandino has taken a job overseeing instant replay for college football. It’s like his career is now being put on rewind for official review.

Foreign policy experts say Donald Trump’s lack of consistent and coherent foreign policy is hurting the U.S. The question being what has Donald Trump ever done that is consistent or coherent?

The EPA says head Scott Pruitt requested 24/7 armed security from day one. Which is ironic as the only protection needed in that office is for the environment from Pruitt’s policies.

Congressional job approval was at 17% in May. Although it should be pointed out we are only half way through the month and that could drop back to where it usually is in single digits at any time.

Congressional job approval was at 17% in May. The question being where are the other 83% during every November election?

A poll says younger Americans are the most worried about the effects of global warming. Mostly because older Americans like the idea of having warmer weather without having to move to Florida.

A study says record warm sea water fueled powerful Hurricane Harry last year. Which means all beachgoers to the Gulf Coast will be asked to stop peeing in the ocean.

Xerox has pulled out of a Fujifilm merger to team with investor Carl Icahn. Which if nothing else is the first time all three of those have been mentioned in the same sentence since 1973.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Royal Wedding is just four days away. That means just four days until we don’t have to hear about the Royal Wedding anymore. Although the good news is that one of the Royals marrying a biracial American might finally put some normalcy into that Royal genetic pool. We can only hope. Although the Queen would not be amused. Although if she wants to not be amused, why not be like everyone else and read this blog? It’s a guarantee to not be amusing. Although the one way to keep me amused is by making sure all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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