Sunday, May 13, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


AT&T says hiring Michael Cohen was a “big mistake,” To which Donald trump is saying “You’re just finding that out now?”

West Sacramento is launching a program to watch social media for what people are saying about the city online. Which are mostly about wanting to live in a city that has better things to do than eavesdrop on what residents are saying about it.

 West Sacramento is launching a program to watch social media for what people are saying about the city online. So far the only good comments are that at least it isn’t Modesto.

A Tsunami Warning was accidentally broadcast in Alaska. At least we know whatever happened to that trigger-happy missile alert warning employee in Hawaii.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo says the U.S. hopes to have North Korea as a “close partner” and not an enemy. Mostly because after a year of Donald Trump, no one else in interested in being our friend.

Fox is reviving the Tim Allen show “Last Man Standing” after it was canceled by ABC. Mostly because the title made people think it was a documentary about Donald Trump’s White House staff.

A Minnesota woman was arrested after a foul smell led authorities to find 60 dead cats in her house. The only smell worse than a house with 60 dead cats is one with 60 live cats.

A family in the Netherlands were chased by cheetahs after getting out of their vehicle to take pictures in a safari park. Which makes you just want to ask those people at what point did they come to the conclusion what they were doing was a good idea?

A family in the Netherlands were chased by cheetahs after getting out of their vehicle to take pictures in a safari park. Which isn’t a bad idea as long as you are able to outrun an animal capable of reaching speeds of 80 mph.

A family in the Netherlands were chased by cheetahs after getting out of their vehicle to take pictures in a safari park. The reason they did it was because they couldn’t have outrun the 80 mph animals if they stayed inside their car as they were driving a Ford.

An Arizona woman sent a man 65,000 texts after their first date. Although she now admits the final 64,999 texts may have blown it my making her look too anxious.

An Arizona woman sent a man 65,000 texts after their first date. Even worse is they all said “Hey, so watcha doin’?”

John Kelly says the vast majority of undocumented immigrants “don’t have skills.” Well, they at least had the skills it takes to fake out our border guards.

John Kelly says the vast majority of undocumented immigrants “don’t have skills.” Although exactly the same thing could be said about Donald Trump’s legal team.

A poll says America’s favorite Mexican restaurant is Taco Bell. Which is good for the people who acknowledge that Taco Bell has anything to do with the terms “Mexican” or “restaurant.”

A poll says America’s favorite Mexican restaurant is Taco Bell. Apparently it beat out Chipotle by the people who don’t mind going to a restaurant that makes sick but draw the line at dying.

A Frontier flight was delayed five hours when the pilot was accused of being drunk. Which the airline solved by just keeping the plane on the ground until Happy Hour was over.

A new law in Kansas says police officers can’t have sex with people they pull over for traffic violations. To which the police are asking what’s the point of having handcuffs anymore?

A new law in Kansas says police officers can’t have sex with people they pull over for traffic violations. That just ruined the plot line for every other porn movie ever filmed.

A new law in Kansas says police officers can’t have sex with people they pull over for traffic violations. The only good news is the law doesn’t apply to fake cops working bachelorette parties.

Donald Trump has declared a major disaster in Hawaii for the volcanic eruption and lava. The only question is when will he declare a disaster for how his legal team is handing the Stormy Daniels case?

The Texas dentist who killed her cheating husband by running him over with her car has been released from prison after 15 years. It isn’t known if she will get her dental license back, but most people just want to make sure she isn’t certified to become an Uber driver.

The Texas dentist who killed her cheating husband by running him over with her car has been released from prison after 15 years. Which is ironic she went to jail for killing him outright, but would have gotten away with torturing him to death with a dental deep cleaning and root canal.

A dragon float caught fire during a parade at Disney World. Which was at least the one time the park goers who paid $500 for passes for their family weren’t the only ones who got burned.

Iraq voters went to the polls, with the economy, jobs, security and corruption the major concerns. Which at least shows all our work there has made Iraq more like the U.S. than anyone ever imagined.

A man lit two Molotov cocktails in a North Texas mall. Fortunately, being at a mall no one was hurt because there were only three people at the food court, two mall workers and a security guard.

A former CIA contractor has pleaded guilty to mishandling classified documents. The real question is how did he ever even get access to Hillary Clinton’s private e-mail server in the first place?

A study says Rhode Island has the highest percentage of people with major depression in the country. The good news is they can increase the rate for the next state over by just walking three blocks.

A study says Rhode Island has the highest percentage of people with major depression in the country. Which shows that when it comes to happiness, size really does matter.

A major investor called Mark Zuckerberg’s control over Facebook “like a dictatorship.” Which shocked people thinking that kind of behavior was possible from a billionaire CEO.

A major investor called Mark Zuckerberg’s control over Facebook “like a dictatorship.” Who does he think he is, Donald Trump?

Spirit Airlines will become the first ultra-low cost carrier in the U.S. to offer Wi-Fi. Which will be good for passengers who will be able to warn others in real time instead of when they land about their horrific flight on Spirit.

Americans say they expect driverless cars to be common next decade. Although these are the same people who also expected the economy to recover and jobs to come back after the 2007 crash.

Americans say they expect driverless cars to be common next decade. Which is as real cause for concern considering most of them are banking on making a living during that time driving for Uber.

A judge questioned warrantless searchers of cellphones at U.S. borders. If agents want to see nude pictures of travelers, they should just send them through the full naked body scanners.

A panel of experts are advising women to talk to their gynecologist about heart health. The relevance being for women who like to smoke a cigarette after having sex.

Consumer Reports picked the best sunscreen on the market. The top choice was the PS4 video game console for the millions of kids who never get off the couch to go out in the sun in the first place.

Donald Trump’s proposal to lower drug prices would spare the pharmaceutical industry. It turns out the way to cut back on opioids is to cut people’s prescription bills which causes them to need to take painkillers in the first place.

LGBTQ students in an Oregon school district were forced to read the Bible for punishment. Which as far as other students are concerned is not as bad as their punishment of having to read text books.

A report says the number of seniors dying in falls increased dramatically in the past decade. Which it turns out are being caused by being disoriented by all the opioids they are taking to deal with the pain of constantly falling down.

Rita Moreno says Marlon Brando was better in bed than Elvis. The question is, what was she even doing there while Marlon Brando and Elvis were in bed?

Rita Moreno says Marlon Brando was better in bed than Elvis. Although it was a bit awkward when in the moment of passion Brando would always call her “Stellllllaaaaaa!”

Rita Moreno says Marlon Brando was better in bed than Elvis. Apparently Elvis was only really skilled at making his pelvis move out of control like that on the stage.

Fox has canceled “The Mick” and “Last Man on Earth.” Which is ironic in that people say the only way they would ever watch “The Mick” is if they were the last man on Earth.

L.A. Chargers coach Anthony Lynn has gotten his college degree 30 years after leaving school to go into the NFL. Mostly because with “Chargers coach” on his resume, he may need that degree some day to get a real job.

L.A. Chargers coach Anthony Lynn has gotten his college degree 30 years after leaving school to go into the NFL. It turns out to get the diploma from UNLV, he had to be able to show he could sign his own name and recite the alphabet up to “Q.”

50 Cent is hinting he may want to fight in the MMA. Although if he kicks anything like he throws a baseball, his first roundhouse may end him up out of the ring and into the third row.

Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh is proposing deferred payments for college players, giving an example of $1,000 in stock in Amazon. Which would be ironic as Amazon is where most Michigan football players will end up working after they leave school.

The U.S. Men’s hockey team had its most lopsided win in 56 years, beating South Kore 13-1. Which means forget Donald Trump and his upcoming meeting. That defeat did more than any diplomacy to get Kim Jong-un back on our good side.

Toronto Raptors president Masai Ujiri says firing coach Dwane Casey was the “hardest thing” he has done in his life. Although in all honesty, watching the team win just 22 games back in 2011 couldn’t have been all that easy, either.

Toronto Raptors president Masai Ujiri says firing coach Dwane Casey was the “hardest thing” he has done in his life. Although how many difficult things in life are there for someone who has worked their way into becoming president of an NBA team?

Evan Longoria says the Rays should move away from Tampa. The only problem is finding any city to relocate where people would actually pay money to watch the Rays play.

North Korea has detailed a plan to dismantle its nuclear test site this month. Which pretty much consists of taking it apart by removing four screws and a butterfly nut.

Michael Bloomberg says the U.S. is facing en “epidemic of dishonesty.” If it’s just an epidemic everywhere else, in the White House everyone needs to be quarantined for the plague.

Rudy Giuliani showed up in a Florida court to represent a woman accused of auto insurance fraud. Which is exactly why Donald Trump picked him to fight Stormy Daniels’ claims she was rear-ended.

California Republican Representative Duncan Hunter says Donald Trump wouldn’t last long under torture. Although the only way to find out is to arrange a dinner date with him and Hillary Clinton.

California Republican Representative Duncan Hunter says Donald Trump wouldn’t last long under torture. Which means being interviewed by any other TV network besides Fox News.

California Republican Representative Duncan Hunter says Donald Trump wouldn’t last long under torture. The definition being going to a reception with Melania and having Stormy Daniels show up.

A poll says most Americans don’t think the poor have benefited from Donald Trump’s policies. The rest are saving their opinion until they actually find out what Donald Trump’s policies are.

A poll says most Americans don’t think the poor have benefited from Donald Trump’s policies. Others claim that the poor now have the incentive to try to become wealthy so they can then get the real advantages Trump’s policies give the rich.

The GOP is eyeing a rare shot at a bipartisan win with prison reform. The Democrats like it for making the justice system more equal, and Republicans like the idea of protecting all the former members of the Trump Administration.

A congressional candidate in New Mexico dropped the F-Bomb in a TV ad that stations can’t remove. Although they can make it so no one will notice by just playing the ads during music awards shows.

Apple Music and Pandora say they will no longer promote artists embodying harmful behavior. Which means people will have to get used to streaming services playing pretty much only Carrie Underwood and the Jonas Brothers.

A study says 30% of New York City Millennials are living at home with their parents. The other 70% had to move out because there is no basement in an 8th floor Manhattan apartment.

A study says North Dakota is the best state to be a police officer. Mostly because for nine months out of the year it’s just too cold for any criminals to be holding onto a gun.

A study determined where Americans were spending most of their money. Which turns out of the average income of $74,664, most see the key to their future spending $72,000 of it on lottery tickets.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers lost another tough one last night. As if the MLB season isn’t long enough already, they have to torture fans like me on top of that. I need to stop watching sports. I watched my favorite tennis player Rafael Nadal the other day, after he set the record of winning 50 straight sets on clay. I tuned in, he lost the set and then the match. Then I watched Tiger Woods on Saturday. He was 8 under through 12 holes. He parred, the 13th, bogeyed the 14th and parred in with no more birdies after I started watching. The Dodgers were on TV at night against the Reds. They were winning until I tuned in and the batter immediately hits a three run home run to take the lead for good from the Dodgers. Anyone else detect a jinx here? That’s not even taking into account what I do to the people who check out the blog looking for good jokes. At least things never go wrong for me when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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