Friday, May 11, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


NBC insiders are reportedly divided after a report on Matt Lauer says there was no cover-up. Which there wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place if Matt Lauer had ever bothered to cover up.

A report says Selena Gomez “chose happiness” over Justin Bieber. If that’s the case, she would have left him in favor of waterboarding, a dental cleaning or standing in line all day at the DMV.

Donald Trump has threatened to pull network news credentials over what has been called 90% negative news coverage. It’s just a guess, but if he wants more positive coverage he could start by telling fewer than the 3,001 lies already counted by just the Washington Post.

A study says 40% of Americans say they would have sex with a robot. Which is finally some great news for Al Gore’s love life.

A study says American men would pay up to $2,000 for a sex robot. Which is practical in that is a lot less than the treatment over the years for a case of herpes.

Pope Francis I says the Devil is a “loser” who talks people into giving him power. Which made some people say that sounds pretty much like just another slam of the American Electoral College.

The world’s largest mall is being planned to be built in Miami that would include a submarine ride, indoor ski slope and theme park. And like most other malls would also have three retail shops that are still managing to stay in business.

The world’s largest mall is being planned to be built in Miami that would include a submarine ride, indoor ski slope and theme park. It will surpass the size of the second largest mall, which will instead be known as the world’s largest empty building.

A 6’7” 370 pound 8th grader in Kentucky is being hyped as a future number one draft pick. There are several 8th graders that size in Alabama, the difference being they are all 24 years old.

Gasoline prices are already up to $4 a gallon in parts of California. Mostly for the people who want the status of buying their gasoline imported and bottled with a good vintage octane.

Gasoline prices are already up to $4 a gallon in parts of California. Mostly for the people who can’t afford an apartment but can still cough up enough to fill the tank to move to another state.

Economists think the next recession could start by 2020. Which means they are already predicting that Donald Trump is going to be reelected.

Economists think the next recession could start by 2020. In other words, they are telling people they might as well spend what they have saved up over the next couple of years before going broke again.

A report says many studies’ results can’t be reproduced. Which will be known for sure as soon as more studies on the subject are funded.

A report says many studies’ results can’t be reproduced. That is, if anyone is actually going to believe that study.

A report says Americans are turning from beer to harder drinks. Mostly just to enhance the feeling when they use them to wash down the opioids, tranquilizers and antidepressants they are taking.

The homeless crisis in California is resulting in overcrowding at public libraries. The good part is that it’s not like anyone else from the general public actually is ever going to go to the library.

The homeless crisis in California is resulting in overcrowding at public libraries. The sad part is that no one would even care unless the homeless started hanging out at Starbucks, the grocery store or fast food restaurants.

A substitute teacher in Illinois is still teaching school despite facing charges for attempted murder. If nothing else, who better to be in charge of after school detention?

A substitute teacher in Illinois is still teaching school despite facing charges for attempted murder. The good part is all he needs to do to get kids to behave is pretend he is reaching inside his jacket.

CIA director nominee Gina Haspel vows the CIA will not reinstate torture. Mostly because you can’t reinstate what you never actually did away with.

A Tennessee school was evacuated after 17 students were hurt when a science experiment went wrong. Next time the teacher needs to let the kids be in charge of showing how to mix meth.

A Tennessee school was evacuated after 17 students were hurt when a science experiment went wrong. People were surprised. Tennessee schools teach science?

A record 72 Million tourists visited Orlando last year. To which people standing in line at Disney World are just wishing they weren’t all there at the same time.

A record 72 Million tourists visited Orlando last year. Which means there are about 20 Million kids who saw their hopes for a college education get traded in for a picture with Mickey Mouse.

A record 72 Million tourists visited Orlando last year. Which translates to 800 Million hours waiting in line at theme parks, 300 Million hours stuck in traffic and at least 10 Million people putting their retirements on hold raiding their 401(k) to pay for the trip.

Human rights lawyer Amal Clooney told Vanderbilt graduates to “have courage.” But if you can’t have that, it really makes life easier to be beautiful, have a law degree and marry George Clooney.

Human rights lawyer Amal Clooney told Vanderbilt graduates she had never been to Tennessee before. And after comparing it to her villa in Italy, probably never will again.

Human rights lawyer Amal Clooney told Vanderbilt graduates. Which is sad to know even a human rights lawyer figured there were lots of other places she could have a better chance at helping.

Puerto Ricans are gearing up for the approaching storm season by stocking up on food, water and radios. At least the ones who can afford Puerto Rican luxury items like food, water and radios.

Australian scientist David Goodall has died at 104 by assisted suicide in Switzerland. His final moments were spent listening to Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy.” Just before the lethal drugs were administered he put on some Justin Bieber just to make sure he was making the right decision.

Chilean bishops are in Rome for an expected brow-beating from the Pope, who says he was “misled” about a sex scandal in Chile. The good news is he now has the facts straight on the other 5,000 Catholic Church sex scandals.

A study says tourism’s impact on climate change is getting worse. The good news is pretty soon people living in the tropics won’t have go anywhere to see real polar bears in their backyards.

Towns in New York and Tennessee are both claiming to be where Long Island iced tea was invented. The good news is after drinking two of them, nobody can remember what the argument was about.

Older Jeeps have been recalled for suspensions that can cause crashes. Even though it’s no longer a mystery, drivers are saying the suspension is killing them

United Airlines is cutting back on the number of flights between Mexico and the U.S. After all the recent inflight pet deaths, the last thing they want are planes full of dead chickens, goats and pigs.

A study says workers are focusing more on retirement benefits than healthcare plans. Mostly because they don’t need health insurance as they know they won’t live long enough to retire in the first place.

The average American predicts their retirement age at 66. The odds of that are similar to their other dreams of learning a new language, playing a musical instrument and losing 50 pounds.

The average American predicts their retirement age at 66, some even earlier. Mostly the ones who lost their job at 55 and have been working part-time at Wal-Mart ever since.

Uber says it will soon be able to deliver food by drone in 30 minutes. Which doesn’t include the extra 20 minutes it will take to get the ladder down to retrieve the food when it’s dropped on the roof.

Actor turned politician Antonio Sabato, Jr. says he could “have sex all day” after getting testosterone shots in his backside. Apparently as a politician he feels he has to be ready when he gets that call from Stormy Daniels.

A study says major depression is on the rise in all age groups. Mostly from all four generations of the family that can’t afford to live anywhere other than together in the same house.

A study says major depression is on the rise in all age groups, rising 33% since 2013. The good news is they can feel better knowing that misery loves company.

The University of Maryland school of medicine is set to receive a $20 Million gift. So are all other medical schools in the country. It’s called “tuition.”

A survey says many parents don’t recognize signs of speech and language problems in their children. Mostly because their kids haven’t said three words to them since they got their first iPad.

The 76ers T.J. McConnell wore a wedding suit to the exit interview after the team’s playoff loss to the Celtics. Let’s just all be glad he didn’t grow up with his sports role model being Dennis Rodman.

Phil Mickelson wore a dress shirt on the golf course as part of a clothing endorsement. Let’s just pray that kilts don’t somehow come into style.

Phil Mickelson wore a dress shirt on the golf course as part of a clothing endorsement. Who did he sign with, Men’s Wearhouse?

Dustin Johnson revealed his pregame meal as oatmeal, egg whites and veggies. Otherwise known as the least shared Facebook picture in history.

Donald Trump says his attitude for the upcoming summit with North Korea is “If it isn’t, it isn’t.” Meaning if the talks fall apart, he still always has “The Button.”

Donald Trump says the media would be “very happy” if his presidency was extended. Maybe not the media so much as the porn stars, lawyers and late night comedians.

A poll says 71% of Americans approve the North Korea talks. Mostly because they just want to see Dennis Rodman get his name on the Nobel Peace Prize. (Two Dennis Rodman jokes in one blog post?)

DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen says she almost resigned following a Donald Trump tirade. To which the people in the Oval Office are saying “which tirade in particular?”

DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen says she almost resigned following a Donald Trump tirade. Trump’s problem is that of all the people around him, the only one who won’t go away is Stormy Daniels.

Rudy Giuliani is leaving his law firm to represent Donald Trump in the Mueller probe. To which the next person is being told to just keep his seat warm for another couple of days before he comes back.

The White House says Donald Trump is “content and satisfied” with Rudy Giuliani. What is Giuliani, his lawyer or hemorrhoid cream?

The FEC has approved the first woman political candidate to use campaign funds for childcare. As opposed to the traditional and more necessary expenses as alcohol, gourmet dinners and vacations at five star resorts.

A retired 3-star general says torture “worked” on john McCain. So that’s how he was convinced to pick Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Rolls Royce has introduced a $325,000 SUV. It’s the one with the kids in back going to soccer practice having uniforms with mustard stains from Grey Poupon.

Dick Cheney says he wants the enhanced interrogation program active and ready to go. Mostly because now that he is retired he needs a hobby to help keep him busy.

A study says having a flashy wedding increases the risk of divorce. Mostly because if a woman marries a poor man with a cheap wedding, if she divorces him she gets pretty much half of nothing.

A study says 40% of moms fake their reaction to their Mother’s Day gift. What’s even worse is when they find out their mom also faked it the night they were conceived.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sorry about that last joke that makes you think about your mom having sex. That is no way to end a series of jokes. Or to begin. Or in the middle or anywhere else. It is the Mother’s Day weekend so I hope you are good to your mom at least that one day out of the year. My mom passed away 12 years ago. My wife and daughter’s mom passed away seven years ago. Wow, this is really ending on a downer. I guess I am mentioning that so the rest of you realize how important it is to let your loved ones know how you feel. Of course, I always feel great whenever all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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