Thursday, May 10, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Robert Mueller has rejected a Donald Trump request to answer his questions in writing. Especially when Trump asked it be given in multiple choice and true and false.

Donald Trump has threatened to remove news network press credentials over negative coverage. Which means the White House morning press briefings may cut out the middleman and just be held on the set of “Fox & Friends.”

A company is being accused of selling $25,000 service dogs that are claimed to be untrained pups. To which dog breeders across the country are saying “Hey, that’s our job!”

A company is being accused of selling $25,000 service dogs that are supposed to help diabetics avoid blood sugar emergencies that are just untrained pups. All they need are pit bulls that naturally just rip any high-carb junk food right out of their hands.

A survey says one in four married couples sleep in separated beds or rooms. Although you know things are bad when your spouse asks for separate rooms, two states apart.

A Pennsylvania man was jailed after attacking his mom with a lightsaber. The worst part is when he did it he kept yelling out “You are my mother!”

A report says three of the top eight web sites feature porn. No one had any idea when Donald Trump said he would create jobs, they would all be for Stormy Daniels.

Dr. Dre has lost a trademark battle with a gynecologist. Just what is it those rappers are trying to copyright?

Dr. Dre has lost a trademark battle with a gynecologist. Apparently Dr. Dre is trying his hand at penetrating new markets.

A study says women are not interested in wealthy men who are fixated on material goods as long term mates. Apparently they just want them around long enough so they can divorce them and end up with half their stuff.

A Thai airline has fined a passenger $94 because their name was too long to fit on a boarding pass. Which means the Royal Family is saving a fortune by having Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor just go by Prince Charles.

Donald Trump says he is pulling out of the Iran nuclear deal, which caused members of the Iranian Parliament to burn a U.S. flag. No one had any idea when Trump said he would create jobs it would be in Iranian flag factories.

Miners in South Africa will be paid $400 Million over a deadly lung disease. As to when the money will be paid, company lawyers are telling them not to hold their breath.

CIA director nominee Gina Haspel says torture doesn’t work. Which is good news for terrorism suspects who will no longer be forced to watch nothing but Adam Sandler films.

 CIA director nominee Gina Haspel says torture doesn’t work. Which explains why neither of Sean Penn’s marriages lasted.

CIA director nominee Gina Haspel says torture doesn’t work, and that she wouldn’t follow an immoral presidential order. Which is fine because that’s why Donald Trump has Michael Cohen and Rudy Giuliani.

The Mormon Church has cut ties with the Boy Scouts, saying they will create their own global youth program preaching a religious lifestyle and forced morality that is non-inclusive. Otherwise known as the Mormon Church.

Michael Cohen is being accused of “selling access” to Donald Trump. So far, the going rate is around $130.000.

Nigerian President Buhari is under pressure to reveal the illness he has gone to London four times for treatment. The worst part is that funds for his medical treatment are being raised through donations being solicited by several of his country’s top princes.

Donald Trump says the summit with Kim Jong-un will not be held in the DMZ. Mostly because nowhere those two ever go can be considered a demilitarized zone.

The chairman of Philip Morris had verbal clashes with shareholders at the company’s annual meeting. What was that guy smoking?

California is facing power reductions during upcoming summer evenings. It could be the state’s biggest brownout since Donald Trump tried to implement his immigration plan.

A survey says the NFL offers customers the worst game-day experience in pro sports. And that doesn’t even count Packers games where the fans are OK sitting three hours watching a game in -40 wind chills.

A survey says the NFL offers customers the worst game-day experience in pro sports. But only when you consider Cleveland Browns fans who are forced to sit through snowstorms to watch their team go winless again.

A survey says the NFL offers customers the worst game-day experience in pro sports. Are they kidding? Watching football is worse than sitting through a four hour soccer snooze-fest that ends in a 0-0 tie while someone blows a vuvuzela in your ear the entire game?

A poll says Americans’ retirement concerns persist that they won’t be financially comfortable. Mostly because if they have never been financially comfortable while working, what makes them think anything is going to change?

A Nebraska woman’s runny nose turned out to be a leak of brain fluid. So what most people would have assumed was nasal drip for her turned out to be an actual brain drain.

A study says breast feeding has no impact on kids’ IQs by the age of 16. The question being why is a 16 year old still being fed by breast?

A drug treatment for osteoporosis may turn out to be a cure for baldness. The only exception is for people who are real boneheads.

A study says there is no sign that smoking pot triggers an irregular heartbeat. That was only caused back in the days when pot was still illegal and there was a knock at the door along with someone yelling out “Police, open up!”

A South Carolina high school will fine people who cheer too loudly at graduation $1,030. Which is just a drop in the bucket for the parents sending their kids to college who in four years will be getting a bill for $100,000.

A South Carolina high school will fine people who cheer too loudly at graduation $1,030. How did they come up with that number? The person in charge must have been looking at a clock at 10:30 or had a can of 10/30-viscosity oil sitting on their desk.

A wildlife professor at the University of Montana says hikers should carry pepper spray in case they encounter a bear in the wild. Although if Leonardo DiCaprio had thought of that, the movie “The Revenant” would have lasted about ten minutes.

A study says babies like to hear noises made by other babies. Which explains why things get so noisy in the Capitol Building every time Congress is in session.

The head of the CDC took a pay cut of $165,000 over his controversial salary. Which ironically means the only thing the agency has ever used a scalpel on is his paycheck.

A study says women feel better about their own bodies when they look at pictures of heavier women. Which means anyone feeling bad about the way they look just needs to start shopping more at Wal-Mart.

A study says lifting weights can help relieve depression. Until you realize the 110-pound woman on the next machine is bench pressing twice more than what you can lift.

“Dancing With The Stars” pro Sasha Farber says Tonya Harding is a role model. Which means the other contestants need to watch out if they ever see him walking around carrying a tire iron.

Wendy Williams says R. Kelly “can’t read, write or do math.” The problem with that being he just can’t seem to be able to recognize any numbers larger than 14.

Wendy Williams says R. Kelly “can’t read, write or do math.” He needs to learn the math formula that 14-17 can turn into five to ten.

Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter are set to make a third “Bill & Ted” movie. The plot line has them going back in time by going 88 mph in the Uber car they now share driving.

Katy Perry and Taylor Swift have reportedly ended their feud. It started when Perry hired away some of Swift’s dancers, which Swift was OK with until Perry crossed the line and also took the Left Shark.

The Bruins’ Brad Marchand says he wants to clean up his act. Which the NHL is fine with as long as the cleanup effort doesn’t involve his tongue.

The Mets killed a first inning rally against the Reds by batting out of order. One of the players was just in too much of a hurry for his turn to strike out and get back to the dugout.

The Arizona Diamondbacks have received permission to leave Chase Field in 2022 for a new stadium. The county says they can leave the ballpark but they want their diamond back.

Ricky Williams says he was convinced to invest $50,000 into Bitcoin through astrology based on Uranus. Now there’s a financial deal that really smells.

Rafael Palmeiro will return to pro baseball at the age of 53. Apparently it’s taken this long to get to where he finally feels he can test clean for steroids.

Kobe Bryant has won an Emmy to go along with his recent Oscar for his work on “Dear Basketball.” Which is a big change from when he was younger and people thought any awards from Hollywood would be for his work on “Oz.”

Michael Cohen says some allegations about him are really about other Michael Cohens. So how many Michael Cohens are out there writing $130,000 checks to Stormy Daniels?

Puerto Rico Governor Ricardo Rossello says the island is a “geopolitical black hole.” To which Donald Trump says that isn’t quite the same as the term he likes to use.

A Republican gubernatorial candidate in Georgia is running an ad where he says he will round up “criminal illegals” in his own truck if necessary. It’s no doubt the diesel burning dually with the Confederate flag on the back window.

A Republican gubernatorial candidate in Georgia is running an ad where he says he will round up “criminal illegals” in his own truck if necessary. That’s the one seen every morning spinning donuts around the parking lot at the local Home Depot.

A cocaine “breathalyzer” is reportedly close to becoming reality. It will be used by police to let drivers out of any tickets because they obviously have the money to fight it in court.

A cocaine “breathalyzer” is reportedly close to becoming reality. Although to be more accurate, instead of being called a breathalyzer it will be referred to as the “snortalyzer.”

A cocaine “breathalyzer” is reportedly close to becoming reality. It’s the one where instead of breathing into a tube, suspects will snort through a rolled up $100 bill.

A cocaine “breathalyzer” is reportedly close to becoming reality. As opposed to the current test which sees if the suspect can speak thirty straight minutes on one breath.

A cocaine “breathalyzer” is reportedly close to becoming reality. As opposed to the current test where the suspect walks a straight line without developing a serious nosebleed.

Porsche is offering a computerized cruise control option to be used on twisty roads. What’s the point? That makes as much sense as ordering a Harley with training wheels.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog again. I appreciate your loyalty. Don’t forget to use your rewards card for all kinds of available gifts and bonuses. Mostly just my eternal gratitude for your loyalty and my usual spiel about how my reward is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



1 comment:

Payal Raletta said...


After watching this video you cant stop laughing. Get ready for ROFL


https://www.merrchant.com/daily/try-not-to-laugh/