Tuesday, May 01, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Researchers say an algorithm can predict a correct lifespan nine out of ten times. Especially for people who eat at Chipotle regularly who are given six months at best.

Researchers say an algorithm can predict a correct lifespan nine out of ten times. Mostly people moving to Detroit who fall into the category of “nice knowing you.”

A study says five habits can add more than a decade of life; healthy diet, controlling weight, exercise, not smoking and moderate drinking. Although adopting all those habits just make it seems like your life is taking longer.

A report says there is concern that foreign investors are losing their hunger to buy up U.S. debt. Mostly because every since we hit the $20 Trillion mark, it just doesn’t seem all that exclusive anymore.

Analysts say this could be the most expensive driving season since 2014. Apparently prices are going up because it’s been four years since most oil company executives have had a chance to upgrade their vacation beach homes in the Hamptons.

Larry Harvey, cofounder of the Burning Man festival has died at age 70. He will be cremated with thousands of people standing around watching while he is lit on fire.

Brazilian surfer Koxa is being credited with riding an 80 foot wave, the highest ever. Apparently the secret to his speed is waxing his board Brazilian style.

Several mayors are in the running to try to become the first to go from city hall to the White House. Which are all who are left after voters have lost confidence in all the representatives, senators and governors.

Researchers say an artificial womb could be used to grow a mammoth-elephant hybrid. If that doesn’t work, what’s the Octomom doing these days?

A tree planted at the White House by Donald Trump and French President Macron has disappeared. Apparently it was put right where EPA head Scott Pruitt had plans to drill an oil well.

The FDA says it is finding traces of a weedkiller in an array of common foods. Which is ironic for those who are eating most of the food because they are high on weed.

A Russian floating power plant called the “nuclear Titanic” is making its first voyage. That’s the ship that instead of an iceberg will be done in with a mushroom cloud.

An Ohio woman is being charged with stealing a rare butterfly. She will be spending a lot of her time cocooning in her jail cell.

The Nobel Prize for Literature may not be awarded this year because of allegations of sexual abuse in the organization. Which means it may have to be renamed the Nobel “Piece” Prize.

A truck driver hauling a cargo of potato chips was lost in the wilderness four days but did not eat any of the chips. Apparently he was up to the challenge of “bet you can’t eat just one.”

A truck driver hauling a cargo of potato chips was lost in the wilderness four days but did not eat any of the chips. Apparently he was holding off in the hope of being rescued by someone driving a beer truck.

A truck driver hauling a cargo of potato chips was lost in the wilderness four days but did not eat any of the chips. Would you know it that he was marooned with all those chips and not one container of dip?

Venezuela has nearly doubled their minimum wage to just over $3 a month. Business owners are doing their best to provide them food, housing and most importantly don’t let them know U.S. minimum wage workers want $15 an hour.

Venezuela has nearly doubled their minimum wage to just over $3 a month. All they want is enough money to buy food, clothes and a ticket out of Venezuela.

Stormy Daniels is suing Donald Trump for defamation over a tweet he sent out accusing her of a “con job.” Which is interesting as that is the one type of job she didn’t perform on him.

Donald Trump is calling on the Nigerian president to stop violence against Christians. To which Trump was told he can stop the violence and release them all from prison with just a small advance to cover costs to some Nigerian princes.

The NRA has banned all guns at an upcoming event to be attended by Vice President Pence. That will drive down the sale of tickets like if sci-fi geeks were told they couldn’t come to a Star Wars convention with their lightsabers.

A death row inmate in Missouri is challenging execution by lethal injection, saying it could cause him to choke on his own blood. Which prison officials say shouldn’t be a problem if he has made it all these years not choking on the mess hall food.

Iran’s Supreme Leader says the U.S. “feet must be cut off.” Is there any sort of threat of punishment in the Middle East that doesn’t involve cutting something off?

Iran’s Supreme Leader says the U.S. “feet must be cut off.” To which Americans are saying at least that would save a ton of time going through airport security checks.

The Justice Department has removed press freedom and racial gerrymandering language from the U.S. Attorneys’ Manual. Apparently the White House feels it is easier to dismantle the Constitution piece by piece than all at once.

The Justice Department has removed press freedom and racial gerrymandering language from the U.S. Attorneys’ Manual. The question is how good are attorneys who have to constantly get their information out of a manual?

The world’s oldest spider has died at age 43 from a wasp sting. To which most people are saying “Good. Now someone kill the wasp.”

A report says air quality is not as clean as the EPA says it is. Mostly because ever since Scott Pruitt took over the policies have polluted the air even more with all the smoke and mirrors.

McDonald’s is being pushed to ban plastic straws in the U.S. The problem is the plastic in the straws is healthier than the sodas they are used to drink.

A Tesla owner in England has been banned from driving for 18 months after turning on the Autopilot and getting into the passenger seat. He says he shouldn’t be banned from driving because he wasn’t behind the wheel in the first place.

A study says playing football while young may lead to earlier cognition and emotional problems. Anyone doubting the study is told two words. “Johnny Manziel.”

Kylie Jenner celebrated boyfriend Travis Scott’s birthday by renting out Six Flags Magic Mountain. They didn’t actually rent the entire park as much as just gave the other three people in line enough money to go somewhere else.

Amy Schumer was hospitalized for a kidney infection which caused her to miss the premier of her movie “I Feel Pretty.” To which the other people in the audience were saying “Some people have all the luck.”

Dodger manager Dave Roberts benched Cody Bellinger for not hustling on the basepaths. Apparently he just wanted to show fans what it was like to actually see someone walking in L.A.

The Cleveland Browns have added their fourth quarterback in six weeks. Apparently there is a lot of interest just in working for a team that plays 16 weeks and gets the entire postseason off.

West Virginia Senate candidate Don Blankenship is slamming “cocaine” Mitch McConnell in a TV ad. If those charges are true, how long would it take anything to get through the Senate if McConnell wasn’t coked up?

Donald Trump says the U.S. will continue to fight against Boko Haram. The first step is banning all radio stations from ever playing “Whiter Shade of Pale.”

The head of the CDC saw a cut in his $375,000 a year salary which was deemed high for a government worker. To which Big Pharma CEOs agreed that was a bit much for the medical industry, saying “We’re talking about $375,000 a week, right?”

Anthony Scaramucci has rejoined his former hedge fund after a proposed sale collapsed. At least that will keep him busy for the next ten days until he gets canned there, too.

John Kelly is denying he called Donald Trump “an idiot.” Although at this point that would have been the nicest thing anyone in the White House has said about Trump in the past six months.

John Kelly is denying he called Donald Trump “an idiot.” He says “moron,” “nitwit” and “clown” but never an “idiot.”

The White House Correspondents Association is weighing changing the dinner format for their yearly awards celebration. The most popular suggestion is make it like every other Washington, D.C. event with drinks and a fundraiser.

Donald Trump is calling for term limits with six years for representatives and 12 years for senators. Which most people are agreeing with, as long as the President’s term is cut to about six months.

Former Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore has filed a lawsuit claiming he was targeted by a political conspiracy. To which most the people are agreeing in that it was a conspiracy that it happened to involve a majority of the voters.

The terms of members of the Federal Election Commission expired years ago and they may not be replaced by Donald Trump. What’s the point of having people in charge of U.S. elections if they can’t speak Russian?

Dennis Rodman is taking credit for arranging the meeting between Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump. Which means Malala, Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter will turn in their Nobel Prizes if the names on it this year are Rodman, Trump and Kim Jong-un.

Dennis Rodman is taking credit for arranging the meeting between Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump. If those three win the Nobel Prize this year it will carry the same weight as when the Best New Artist Grammy went to Milli Vanilli.

A poll says older Americans use of Facebook is up since 2011. Which is the same year kids realized their parents were on the site and they all left for Snapchat, Instagram and Whisper.

France has seized the domain France.com from an American who owned it for 20 years. Which they probably shouldn’t have their own website if it took them 20 years to notice they didn’t have one yet.

France has seized the domain France.com from an American who owned it for 20 years. It isn’t known which websites the French like to use, although it’s a pretty good bet one of them isn’t Bed, Bath & Beyond.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Not a great comedy day in the news today, but then as far as this site is concerned that is pretty much every day. But I muddled through the headlines and cranked out some material for you to kill a good 20 minutes of your life that would otherwise be wasted on video games or Internet porn. Which is where I am going right when I finish this up. Thanks for checking out the blog. I appreciate you just for visiting, but my day is really made special on the times you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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