Sunday, April 08, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Fears of a trade war between the U.S. and China are escalating with more threats of tariffs. Although frankly, China is not too worried about going up against the U.S. whose biggest exports are foam fingers, fidget spinners and bobble head dolls.

China says they feel America is very arrogant. Which unfortunately is a result of the only American they ever have any contact with being Donald Trump.

Donald Trump says the “pain” from China’s tariffs will make the U.S. stronger. To which most Americans are saying when it comes to being strong and poor, they would rather be weak and wealthy.

Police in Florida seized guns from a man with a history of mental illness. Or as most mentally ill people with guns are known in Florida, “everyone.”

Police in Florida seized guns from a man with a history of mental illness. No one had any idea George Zimmerman was back in town.

A sheriff in Georgia warns visitors “If you kill someone, we might kill you back.” Which is different than the attitude in Florida, which is “Why wait?”

Elon Musk is worried that Artificial Intelligence will create an “Immortal dictator.” As opposed to the people who feel we already elected an “immoral dictator.”

A report says 20% of Americans will pay 87% of all income tax. Which is still a pretty good deal since they are also making 99% of all the income.

The U.S. is looking to protect domestic carmakers from foreign competition. The only question is how will they protect U.S. consumers from domestic cars?

A poll says Americans are becoming more politically active. Which after the 2016 elections, most experts are saying it was a lot better when we were all apathetic.

A faulty siren gave a false warning to a town in Norway they were being invaded by Russia. Which is then followed by the question “What are we going to do about it?”

A study says meditating keeps the brain young. The only problem is that sitting around all day contemplating your navel makes the rest of your body grow old.

A whale found dead on a beach had eaten 64 pounds of plastic. The only good news is the whale lived longer than if it instead had eaten all the fast food being served inside it.

A survey says one third of Millennials are not sure the Earth is round. Which mostly comes from living 90% of their life in their parents’ basement.

A survey says one third of Millennials are not sure the Earth is round. Although the NBA’s Kyrie Irving says the Earth is flat and it hasn’t hurt his lifestyle all that much.

Bob Dylan has recorded his first gay love song. Which his record company says has nothing to do with “Blowin’ In The Wind.”

A Florida student says he brought a gun and knives to school to feel “powerful” and “cool.” To which the other 21 Million people in the state are saying “Us too!”

A Florida student says he brought a gun and knives to school to feel “powerful” and “cool.” As opposed to the kids who know the real way to be powerful and cool at school is to drive in the new Porsche their parents just bought for them.

Michigan will end the Flint free bottled water program. Mostly because everyone started drinking from the tap again when they found out the water was being bottled in New Jersey.

Donald Trump signed a memo ending the “catch and release” policy for immigrants. Which sounds like he is going to replace the border wall instead with a fishing net.

Donald Trump signed a memo ending the “catch and release” policy for immigrants. Which sounds like the National Guard troops he will station along the border will turn in their M16s for fishing poles.

Donald Trump signed a memo ending the “catch and release” policy for immigrants. Mostly because that’s the same policy he has always used when it comes to women.

The “first luxury space hotel” will be built 200 miles up and will cost $792,000 a night. What’s even worse is the nightly parking fee is even higher.

The “first luxury space hotel” will be built 200 miles up and will cost $792,000 a night. Although some are saying the term “luxury” may be an exaggeration, especially when the continental breakfast consists of Space Food Sticks and Tang.

The “first luxury space hotel” will be built 200 miles up and will cost $792,000 a night. The exorbitant fee is mostly just to cover the expense of maintaining a housekeeping staff.

Twitter is testing a strategy to stop bullying and abusive comments on the service. The only problem is putting it in effect by figuring out how to take away Donald Trump’s cellphone.

Amazon has applied for a patent for a “voice sniffer algorithm” to analyze conversations. Which in most households will amount to people talking about how everything they have bought from Amazon is a bunch of crap.

A report says legal pot could outsell soft drinks by 2030. Mostly when stoners realize it’s a lot more work to get off the couch to get a soda instead of just sitting where they are and drinking the water out of the bong.

A poll says adults nearing retirement worry most about Social Security. Although a better question will be whether they will still be around when they reach their projected retirement age of 93.

A poll says adults nearing retirement worry most about Social Security. Along with the fact they have $12 in their 401(k) plan, will have no healthcare and their kids will probably still be living at home.

A Utah couple says they are “blessed” with the birth of quintuplets. Apparently they feel it is easier to have five children with one wife than the more traditional Utah family with one child from all five wives.

Experts are warning that vaping has become an epidemic among high schoolers. To which most parents are saying at least they are waiting until college now to get more into pot, pills, alcohol, cigarettes and sex.

A study says bananas are a better choice for athletes than sports drinks. The only problem is that it is so much more awkward to dump a bunch of bananas out of a tub onto the head of the winning coach.

An E.coli outbreak in New Jersey is being linked to Panera Bread. To which the people at Chipotle are all saying “Whew!”

An E.coli outbreak in New Jersey is being linked to Panera Bread. It is just unfortunate that the people in New Jersey are only immune to salmonella, listeria and botulism.

A study says a sudden loss of wealth increases the risk of dying early. And vice versa.

Sean Penn’s son Hopper was arrested in Nebraska on drug charges. Which is what happens when you name your child “Hopper.”

Sean Penn’s son Hopper was arrested in Nebraska on drug charges. Drugs were suspected because how else would Sean Penn’s son wind up in Nebraska?

Kenny Rogers has canceled all 2018 concert dates because of “health issues.” Not to say he is getting older, but when the 79 year old performer sings “The Gambler,” he is referring to sitting down for a game of pinochle.

Kenny Rogers has canceled all 2018 concert dates because of “health issues.” Apparently that face-lift he had is still so tight, when he stands up too fast his eyelids shut.

John Daly’s RV was hit by a car while parked at a Hooters in Georgia. When police asked for Daly’s permanent address, he didn’t know whether to say it’s the RV or the Hooters.

John Daly’s RV was hit by a car while parked at a Hooters in Georgia with Daly hurting his knee jumping out of the way. Daly frequents Hooters because like on the golf course, his strategy is to stay away from the water.

John Daly’s RV was hit by a car while parked at a Hooters in Georgia. The last time he hurt his knee at Hooters was from having too many waitresses sitting on it at the same time.

Lamar Odom says pot helped his crack addition. Which finally explains how he managed to be married into the Kardashian family for seven years.

LeBron James says he endorses the idea of a female head coach in the NBA. At least as long as they do whatever he says like all the male coaches.

The EPA reportedly spent millions of dollars on security for Secretary Scott Pruitt. And that was just to keep Donald Trump from getting past the front desk to fire him.

The EPA reportedly spent millions of dollars on security for Secretary Scott Pruitt. Which sounds unnecessary as 99.4% of Americans have no idea what the EPA is or who is in charge of it.

Roger Stone warned Donald Trump of a “perjury trap” if he talks to Robert Mueller. But only if Trump is put under oath which will make virtually everything coming out of his mouth perjury.

Nevada’s GOP governor says border duty is not appropriate use of the National Guard. They should be used for more practical measures, like hunting down gambling deadbeats.

Paul Manafort is moving to suppress evidence against him found in a storage unit. It’s getting to the point now where the Russia investigation will be taken out of the hands of the DOJ and turned over to the cast of “Storage Wars.”

Paul Manafort is moving to suppress evidence against him found in a storage unit. Which is ironic in that the way the Russia investigation is going, Manafort will be spending the next 15-25 years in a room exactly the same size as that locker.

Steve Mnuchin says Donald Trump is not attacking Amazon because of coverage from the Washington Post. Apparently it has to do more with his feeling he paid way too much for his banana slicer, fondue fork and stuffed bobcat.

Former Hawaii Senator Daniel Akaka has died at age 93. The question is whether is name was “Akaka” or was he “also known as Ka?”

Donald Trump says understate his popularity. Like the IBD/TIPP that says he is at 38% approval when it has to be at least 39%.

Donald Trump says understate his popularity. That’s true. Many people dislike him much more than they let on.

A report says Facebook sought access to medical records to target pharmaceutical ads. Mostly by seeing who will and won’t live to an old age by looking at the pictures they posted showing what they eat for breakfast every day.

Colorado State University’s Tropical Meteorology Project says 2018 will have an active hurricane season. All of which are guaranteed to not come within 1,500 miles of anywhere in Colorado.

“Black panther” has passed “Titanic” at number three on the all-time box office list. As opposed to every Adam Sandler movie ever made which are all number two.

“Black panther” has passed “Titanic” at number three on the all-time box office list. The only bigger disaster film than “Titanic” will be when someone makes a documentary about the White House personnel office.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It was Masters weekend, and where I live it was snowing Saturday. That just isn’t right. I am writing this before the Masters tournament is done so I may have to come back and add a few jokes depending on what happens. Of course, the biggest golf news coming out of Augusta was John Daly’s RV being hit by a car at a Hooters. Fortunately, Daly wasn’t in the RV at the time as he was passed out as usual in the parking lot. Close call. I am ready for some warmer weather, which always makes me feel great. But still not as good as when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: