Friday, April 06, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


The U.S. trade deficit is near a ten year high. The only trade people are talking about now is swapping Donald Trump for Trudeau, Macron and a leader to be named later.

China says the U.S. will learn a “painful lesson” in a trade war. To which Americans are saying wasn’t the lesson we learned in November, 2016 painful enough?

A report says South Korea is secretly developing a killer robot army that could destroy humanity. Is that news? They’ve been doing that for years. It’s called “Kia.”

 FX reportedly dropped two proposed shows about the Clinton impeachment. Apparently they want to be more contemporary and will just wait for when the same thing happens to Donald Trump.

Finland has a program that has reportedly ended homelessness there. Apparently they just give money to the people who want to live somewhere that isn’t below freezing nine months out of the year.

A report says more than a million undocumented immigrants have received driver’s licenses in California. Doesn’t that mean they are at least now documented?

A report says more than a million undocumented immigrants have received driver’s licenses in California. No one had any idea there was that much opportunity in California to get a job as a cab driver.

Mini human brains have reportedly been grown in a lab for the first time. The word is they are almost as small as the ones found running through the halls of Congress.

A U.S. Senator will hold hearings in Hawaii about the mistaken missile alert while proposing a law giving the feds sole responsibility in the future. Well, what could possibly go wrong putting our safety in the hands of the federal government?

A U.S. Senator will hold hearings about the Hawaii mistaken missile alert while proposing a law giving the feds sole responsibility in the future. Mostly because the feds will know about any attacks first since it will be their policies that initiate them.

Brazil’s elections have been thrown into chaos with their president ordered to prison over corruption. Or as political chaos is called in Brazil, “Tuesday.”

Moscow is accusing Facebook of hostility and censorship. Apparently they have never made a political post and read the responses from all their friends.

Moscow is accusing Facebook of hostility and censorship. Which the Russian government is angry about since they came up with the idea back in 1917.

Amazon is planning a documentary series about Lorena Bobbitt. That’s the one where the director will have to be very careful when yelling “Cut!”

Amazon is planning a documentary series about Lorena Bobbitt. That’s the one where John Bobbitt’s privates are what is left on the cutting room floor.

Pressure is mounting on EPA head Scott Pruitt as his top advisers are leaving. As the saying goes, where there is smoke there is Scott Pruitt repealing EPA regulations.

Sheryl Sandberg says Facebook needs to do a better job protecting data. Meaning they need to stop hackers from stealing information meant to be sold by Facebook.

The White House is reviewing Scott Pruitt’s $50 a night rental agreement with a lobbyist. Usually that kind of arrangement ends with just leaving a $20 bill on the nightstand.

A book about plastic surgery says there has been a 43% drop in nose jobs since 2000. Mostly because women realize when they have their breasts done, men never look any higher than their chest.

A book about plastic surgery says there has been a 43% drop in nose jobs since 2000. Mostly because people feel good about their noses since by comparison Donald Trump’s has continually grown since he was elected.

Personal data of Sears and Delta customers may have been exposed in a breach. Like anyone would even want the credit information of the people who shop at Sears and fly Delta.

Personal data of Sears and Delta customers may have been exposed in a breach. Experts were surprised. People who shop at Sears and fly Delta have credit cards?

Tyson Foods has expanded their safety program to twelve poultry plants. Try telling that to all their chickens.

A study says 40% of American cardholders need a new credit card. Mostly because all their other ones are being denied since they were completely maxed out.

A report says U.S. cars damaged by hurricanes are moving again as exports. Although people in other countries are suspicious cars may be storm damaged when they list the oars as standard equipment.

March will be the 90th straight month the U.S. economy has added jobs. Which works out equally as well for the people who have one job requiring them to be at work 80 hours a week or those who have four jobs at 20 hours each.

March will be the 90th straight month the U.S. economy has added jobs. To which employment officials are saying thank goodness for Wal-Mart, 7-Eleven and Uber.

Twitter has suspended 1.2 Million accounts for terrorism promoting violations. Which is really going to put a dent in Donald Trump’s followers count.

A survey says 40% of Millennial woman are struggling to pay their bills. Mostly because their partners are deadbeat hipster Uber-driving Millennial men.

A survey says Millennial woman 18-34 are struggling the most to pay their bills. It could go longer than that since they will still be paying off their college loans when they are 50.

A report says Facebook hackers could have collected data on 2 Billion users. Which is almost as many users who have had their data collected and sold by Facebook.

A study says cabbage, cauliflower and broccoli may lower the risk of heart disease and stroke. Which will be proven just as soon as scientists can actually find an American who eats cabbage, cauliflower or broccoli.

A study says cabbage, cauliflower and broccoli may lower the risk of heart disease and stroke. Which most Americans are saying that’s a chance they will have to take.

A study says obesity can lead to liver damage in kids as young as 8. That is the second biggest health concern to school children, coming in right behind cooties.

A study says elderly adults grow as many new brain cells as teens. The question being is that worse news for the elderly or for the teens?

Heidi Montag says she died briefly the day she had ten cosmetic procedures. The only thing that saved her was having so many spare parts she couldn’t be the one who was actually declared dead.

A report says that on one week of TV there are 3,000 shows airing on 133 networks with four months of programming. The sad part is that with all those choices there are still people who can’t find anything better to watch than “The Kardashians.”

Snooki gave an interview where she slammed divorce rumors and say how she has changed since “Jersey Shore.” Which turns out very little since she is still giving interviews to slam all the rumors about her.

Prince Charles denied reports he travels with his own personal toilet seat. But who could blame a crown prince for wanting to bring along a portable throne?

Bollywood actor Salman Khan was sentenced to five years in prison for poaching. Which shows how differently actors in India are treated compared to in America where celebrities can get away with killing people.

Golfer Tony Finau shot a 68 at the Masters after dislocating his ankle. It was the biggest dislocation in golf since no one could find John Daly after a night at Hooters.

Sergio Garcia made a 13 at the 15th hole at Augusta National. Or as they say back in Spain, “Trece y quince son perdida.”

Sergio Garcia made a 13 at the 15th hole at Augusta National. It was just interesting for fans to see his complexion turn a more frightful shade of green than his jacket.

Punter Marquette King signed with the Broncos citing a “revenge factor” against his former Raiders. Ironically the best way for a punter to get revenge when playing his old team is to never get into the game.

Phillies fans booed new manager Gabe Kapler at the team’s hope opener after a 1-4 start. Which is good for Phillies fans who at least this time waited five games before turning on a manager.

Tom Weiskopf says Sergio Garcia “gambled and lost” in making a 13 on the 15th hole at the Masters. But not as much as anyone who put some cash down on Sergio winning the tournament.

Pittsburgh authorities investigated a suspicious package left outside PNC Stadium. Although no one can figure why a suspicious package would be delivered there since Barry Bonds hasn’t been with the Pirates since 1992.

Tyronn Lue returned to coach the Cavaliers after a health scare. Mostly because it was a bigger health scare to have the prospect of paying any medical bills without an NBA salary.

Scott Pruitt’s job is reportedly in jeopardy over ethics issues. Who had any idea that the dirtiest environment in the country would be inside the EPA Secretary’s office?

Donald trump is threatening another $100 Billion worth of tariffs on Chinese imports. Which shows that Trump stop at nothing in his quest to bring down Jeff Bezos and Amazon.

A report says Scott Pruitt fell behind on payments of his condo in Washington, D.C. The way his job is going, it’s just a good thing he didn’t sign a long-term lease.

A report says Scott Pruitt fell behind on payments of his lobbyist-owned condo in Washington, D.C. Government officials are becoming concerned. Since when did it start being a requirement to pay for a bribe?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday and the weekend is here. So is the Masters which I will be watching. It was sad to see defending champ Sergio Garcia hit five balls in the water on the 15th in making a 13. Although for anyone loving the chance to see a pro play like the rest of us amateurs, he gets the last laugh as he didn’t have to pay for even one of those golf balls. I will still manage to find time over the weekend to fire off a few jokes to start off the new week. I always feel like I am the one being awarded the green jacket when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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