Thursday, April 05, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A Florida high school student is being charged with biting the head off a chicken during a school event. And students thought they were the ones always having their heads bitten off in class.

A Florida high school student is being charged with biting the head off a chicken during a school event. No one had any idea Ozzy Osbourne had children going to school in Florida.

A Florida high school student is being charged with biting the head off a chicken during a school event. It didn’t look good for the chicken anyways as the event it was there for was lunch.

Mitch McConnell says the wind is going to be in the face of the GOP for the midterm elections. After failing on healthcare, immigration and jobs, he’s going to find out what is really in his face will be the voters.

A survey says a quarter of Americans over 60 went without healthcare last year because of the costs. Mostly because not only can they not afford the healthcare, it costs double when they need a second opinion.

A survey says a quarter of Americans over 60 went without healthcare last year because of the costs. It would have been even more except half the people over 60 were lucky to live long enough to qualify for Medicare.

Experts warn Manhattan could tumble “like a house of cards” if hit by a 5.0 Magnitude earthquake. It would be the biggest shakeup to hit the country outside of the White House.

Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin compared striking teachers to teenagers who “want a better car.” To which teachers are saying “And the horse you rode in on!”

Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin compared striking teachers to teenagers who “want a better car.” To which the teachers are saying “Cars?”

Johnny Manziel says the Browns didn’t do any of their homework before drafting him. Which is obvious because they went ahead and drafted him.

Johnny Manziel says the Browns didn’t do any of their homework before drafting him. People were impressed just for the fact that someone who went to Texas A&M even knew what homework is.

New Arizona State football coach Herm Edwards says some scholarship players could be cut and that they are there based on their ability to be a student-athlete. To which all the athletes were shocked, saying “Student?”

Facebook says data from 87 Million users was improperly shared. To which most users say is fine as long as it generated a lot of “likes.”

The Twisted Sister song “We’re Not Gonna Take It” has become an anthem for striking teachers. It shows educators mean business, feel energized and haven’t listened to the radio since 1985.

Police in California say the YouTube shooter was upset over company policies. It’s just a good thing she never flew United, had Comcast cable or phone service with AT&T.

Media coverage of the Donald Trump “s--thole” remark generated 162 complaints to the FCC. Government experts were surprised. There are 162 people out there who still believe the FCC cares what they think?

Prince Philip is recovering after a successful hip operation. The sad part is that at age 96 and a member of the Royal Family, he has no chance of ever being hip.

Prince Philip is recovering after a successful hip operation. He didn’t retire until he was 95, encouraging many Americans who are inspired to think they can retire at the even earlier age of 93.

Senator Elizabeth Warren is asking the Fed to hold a vote to accept a plan for Wells Fargo to address consumer abuses. Which they currently do by telling their customers “We took all your money.”

The Ford Escape was the only small SUV to fail a passenger safety test. Which is where it got its name from riders in a crash having to figure out how to escape.

A report says renewable energy is closing in on fossil fuels, becoming competitive in price. Pretty soon the only fossils left in fossil fuels will be in the oil company executive offices.

A study says spending time away from Facebook can lower people’s stress levels. At least until their wife finds their password and sees who they have been chatting up.

A study says spending time away from Facebook can lower people’s stress levels. Mostly by knowing less time on the site lowers the chance that Facebook will be selling all their personal information.

China is slapping tariffs on $50 Billion worth of U.S. goods, including aircraft, beef and whiskey. Which are coincidentally all the products that Trump likes to put his name on.

A study says levels of fire retardant are decreasing in kids. Mostly because they are now referred to the more politically correct term of “fire intellectual disability.”

A study says levels of fire retardant are decreasing in kids. Which is not to be confused with what White House workers call “fire retardant” when Donald Trump lets them go.

A report says a “super gonorrhea” strain is coming to the U.S. Which means Donald Trump needs to call for another travel ban, this time for Paris Hilton.

A study says a big financial loss may shorten a person’s life. Which is bad news for anyone looking in their portfolio and seeing a Wells Fargo passbook.

A study says a big financial loss may shorten a person’s life. Which is bad news for anyone who has ever gambled in a Donald Trump-owned casino, and even worse news for anyone who ever invested in one.

Experts warn there is an emerging stimulant addiction epidemic. Mostly for all the people who need some motivation to get off the couch after using opioids and smoking pot all day.

Adele became an ordained minister to officiate the wedding of a friend. Which means she can also now preside over the funerals of people who have killed themselves after becoming depressed listening to her music.

Larry King gave Roseanne praise for “great political balance” on Donald Trump. Just like he gave the Chicago Tribune credit for the way they handled the Lincoln-Douglas debates.

Savannah Guthrie says she doesn’t mind aging on air over time. Mostly because she isn’t in as good as shape as when she was still having to run from Matt Lauer.

68 year old Tom Watson won the Masters Par 3 contest. Not to say Watson has lost a little distance over time, but it was obvious when his caddie had to pack all 14 clubs for the round.

The Broncos’ Von Miller is under fire after catching a hammerhead shark in Florida. It’s the biggest controversy with the NFL and aquatic life since the Super Bowl halftime appearance of the Left Shark.

Golfer Tony Finau twisted his ankle during the Masters Par 3 contest. If you hurt yourself in an event won by a 68 year old, it may be time to check out shuffleboard.

Johnny Manziel says the Browns shouldn’t have drafted him because he “didn’t know his X’s and O’s.” What was he playing, football or tic-tac-toe?

Drew Brees is suing a jeweler he says cheated him out of $8 Million for a ring. To which Tom Brady says the way to avoid ring problems is win five Super Bowls.

EPA head Scott Pruitt is fighting for his job over lavish expenses including air travel. To which Pruitt says in order to wreck the environment the way he wants, using private jets is so much better than flying commercial.

New York is asking credit card companies to reassess the risk of gun sales. Which is a tough sell to credit card companies that know they can steal more money from people than anyone using just a gun.

A newspaper executive says Donald Trump’s tariffs on newsprint will hurt business. Although Trump claims the tariff isn’t on newsprint as much as it is on unflattering news coverage.

A GOP Senate candidate in North Dakota compared voting against Donald Trump’s agenda to cheating on a spouse. As opposed to voting for Donald Trump and supporting cheating on a spouse.

An author says Donald Trump lies all the time but is still a great President. Which shows the author is capable of spinning a pretty good lie himself.    

Ohio pharmacists have been ordered to reveal cheaper drug prices to customers when available. Which means they will just tell them all to just “take two aspirins.”

Scott Pruitt is claiming ignorance over big raises given his top aides. Which for someone in charge of protecting the environment sure smells funny.

A Tennessee Republican congressman is being accused of misusing $100,000 in campaign funds for personal expenses. To which he says it was not misused, that is exactly what he intended to do with it all along.

The federal government is spending $30,000 on researching how to teach people to cook. Which for most Americans pretty much consists of knowing how to set the microwave to reheat pizza.

Mark Zuckerberg says it is not hard to align Facebook’s interests with those of users. Mostly because users want to post every bit of information about themselves, and Facebook wants to sell it.

A study says men overestimate their intelligence in science class. Mostly because when they make a mistake, they think it is a compliment when others say “Nice going, Einstein.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Masters is officially underway. This is going to be an interesting week with the comeback of Tiger Woods and 68 year old Tom Watson winning the Par 3 contest. Which is nice to see some attention paid to those who are actually old enough to go into the clubhouse bar after their round. Even better for Watson who qualifies for a free senior bus pass to get to the event. I will be watching all four rounds this week, but will still manage to take the time to get the jokes out as usual. If you had ever seen me out on the golf course, that would be funny enough but I still enjoy the game once in a long while. Not anywhere near how I enjoy when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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