Wednesday, April 04, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Donald Trump is continuing his attack on Amazon, saying they cost the Post Office “massive amounts.” Mostly because for each purchase, the Post Office has to deliver it first to the house and then back to Amazon when it doesn’t work.

A report claims the Post Office loses $1.46 on every package sent by Amazon. The key is that the Post Office makes up for it with volume.

A report claims the Post Office loses $1.46 on every package sent by Amazon. People were shocked. There are companies that still ship through the Post Office?

An Arizona mom tasered her sleeping teenage son to wake him up on Easter. How lazy have our kids gotten that the prospect of hunting around the house for Easter Bunny candy isn’t enough to get them out of bed?

An Arizona mom tasered her sleeping teenage son to wake him up on Easter. Welcome to the electronic age’s version of the resurrection.

Police say two women took turns driving drunk in New Jersey, crashing into multiple cars. The good news is they passed the audition for Uber.

Police say two women took turns driving drunk in New Jersey, crashing into multiple cars. Unfortunately, they were in a car pool that was filled with bourbon.

Police say two women took turns driving drunk in New Jersey, crashing into multiple cars. Apparently they would have taken a cab, but were worried they would arrive late to the cast reunion of “Jersey Shore.”

Rosanne laughed at Donald Trump taking credit for her show’s huge ratings. If only Trump could be so successful at raising his own ratings.

A report says the retirement of several congressmen is making for a competitive election. Especially for voters who realize they won’t be able to retire themselves until they turn 93.

A Fox executive speaking about Laura Ingraham says the network will “not allow voices to be censored by agenda-driven intimidation efforts. Mostly because he says they thought of it first.

A report says Generation Z teenagers are bored with the Internet. Mostly because spending too much time online keeps them away too long from their video games, TV and sleeping.

A Los Angeles teenager who was trapped in a sewer pipe says he “thanks God for giving him another chance at life.” In other words, like the water that was in the sewer lines he was reclaimed.

India’s government is trying to crack down on “fake news.” Meaning reports that portray life in India as anything other than fear, poverty and hopelessness.

Scientists say the discovery of 170 Million year old dinosaur footprints may reveal insights about evolution. Especially if the footprints show they were wearing prehistoric sandals or more advanced formal footwear.

A Nigerian “immigrant hero” was baptized by Pope Francis I after foiling a robbery. Apparently he told several people not to send their money to the anyone claiming to be a prince from his country.

Thousands of teachers took over the Oklahoma capitol building demanding education funding. The takeover was delayed while they first had to remove all the horses, cows and chickens.

Duke University is holding a “fork amnesty” day for students to return stolen utensils from school cafeterias. Mostly as an attempt to show them it only pays to steal silverware from places using real silver.

Duke University is holding a “fork amnesty” day for students to return stolen utensils from school cafeterias. When students at the University of Alabama heard the news, they said “Forks?”

Duke University is holding a “fork amnesty” day for students to return stolen utensils from school cafeterias. When students at Yale heard the news, they asked “When they say ‘forks’ do they mean salad, crab, dessert, fondue…?”

Four transgender people are suing Ohio over the state’s birth certificate policy. To which Barack Obama is saying “So this time it’s not just me?”

Prince Philip has been admitted to a London hospital for a planned surgery. Mostly because at age 96, ever day is pretty much a planned surgery.

Scientists have extracted DNA from a 4,000 year old Egyptian mummy. The weird part is they were able to solve the mystery of who it was through Ancestry.com.

A study says 36% of college students are not getting enough to eat. Mostly to get used to what life will be like paying back their college loans over the next 30 years.

A study says 36% of college students are not getting enough to eat. Mostly because the other 64% got to the cafeteria first and didn’t leave anything behind.

Bed Bath & Beyond is accepting Toys R Us gift cards the next few days. The only problem is they can only be used to buy rubber ducks, toy boats and Mr. Bubble.

Apple has revealed a new affordable iPad model for teachers and students. It’s the first time “Apple,” “iPad” and “affordable” have ever been used in the same sentence.

A report says 25% of Americans aren’t paying their bills on time. Which is better than the other 75% who have resigned themselves to not paying their bills at all.

Illinois pork farmers say the tariffs imposed by China are their worst fears coming true. As opposed to most other people whose worst fears are being a pork farmer in Illinois.

A California state senator says it’s time for a law requiring easily understood medical bills. Which would simply tell patients “give us everything you’ve got.”

A 2 year old British boy woke from a coma one day after being taken off life support. That is one childhood story that his parents will probably never bring up at the family dinner table.

A study says rear-facing car seats protect when hit from behind. Although the report mentions despite that fact they are not recommended for the person driving.

A study says people losing 75% of their wealth are 50% more likely to die earlier than those who keep their money. Mostly because once they have no money and get sick, that’s pretty much all she wrote.

A study says people losing 75% of their wealth are 50% more likely to die earlier than those who keep their money. Although there is an increased chance of those who keep their money dying early, mostly from impatient and greedy heirs.

A study says working 80 hours a week increases the risk of developing heart disease by 63%. Which is more good news for all the people who since 2008 have not been able to find a job that pays them for more than 20 hours a week.

Channing Tatum and his wife say they have “lovingly chosen to separate as a couple” after falling “deeply in love so many years ago.” Which is weird in that most couples who are staying together wish they sounded as passionate about each other.

Jim Caviezel says the new “Passion of the Christ” movie will be the “biggest film in history.” Which is hard to do when like with “Titanic,” everyone pretty much already knows how it ends.

Jim Caviezel says the new “Passion of the Christ” movie will be the “biggest film in history.” The story of the Resurrection is already being hailed as the comeback movie of the year.

Jim Caviezel says the new “Passion of the Christ” movie will be the “biggest film in history.” Fans knew there would be a sequel when the first movie ended with Jesus using Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “I’ll be back!”

Jim Caviezel says the new “Passion of the Christ” movie will be the “biggest film in history.” The film franchise could end up with more resurrection sequels than they had for Michael Myers.

Duke is being listed as the early favorite for the 2019 NCAA basketball championship. Can’t the bookies even wait until they cut down the nets this year?

Duke is being listed as the early favorite for the 2019 NCAA basketball championship. How bad has it gotten when next year’s projected brackets are already showing up online?

The NFL is investigating some leaked photos of the Titans new jerseys. So far the investigation for the identity of the leaker is leading right to Kellyanne Conway.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan is pushing the NFL for a team and Super Bowl for his city. To which the people in Cleveland complain they have been asking for the same thing for years.

Rays centerfielder Kevin Kiermaier says he was planning to cover his entire body with Vaseline because of cold weather in New York City. It would be the first time a major leaguer was covered with Vaseline since Gaylord Perry was still playing.

County officials in Nevada have approved a bond sale to finance the Raiders stadium in Las Vegas. Of course, being the Raiders the bonds used will be mostly bail bonds.

Tim Tebow says he “can’t wait to get started” with his assignment in AA baseball. Which is exactly what he also told everyone when he played for the Broncos and then when he decided to make a try for the major leagues.

Steph Curry says he supports no three point shots for basketball players under 11. Or in the case of Charles Barkley who shot 26% from behind the arc, no three pointers until after 40.

Steph Curry says he supports no three point shots for basketball players under 11. Mostly because the majority of fifth graders need a calculator to add up anything greater than two.

Steph Curry says he supports no three point shots for basketball players under 11. To which most 11 year olds are saying that isn’t fair, how else are they going to impress the colleges that are coming around to scout them?

Justin Thomas says he is glad not to be questioned any more about when he will win his first major golf tournament. Now he will just get the more standard question of those with any measure of success, when is he going to retire?

Justin Thomas says he is glad not to be questioned any more about when he will win his first major golf tournament. Which hopefully the 24 year old won’t say that within earshot of Sergio Garcia who heard the same thing until he was 37.

Justin Thomas says he is glad not to be questioned any more about when he will win his first major golf tournament. Now he will just be asked when he is going to pass the number won by Tiger and Jack.

The Trump Administration has published a list of 1,300 Chinese exports targeted for tariffs. Otherwise known as aisles 1-54 at Wal-Mart.

EPA Secretary Scott Pruitt says critics will “resort to anything” to stop his agenda. Mostly because he has shown he will resort to anything to complete his agenda.

A woman shot four people before killing herself at YouTube headquarters in California. The worst part is the security video footage of the attack has already gone viral with 25 Million views.

The government has acknowledged the existence of devices in Washington, D.C. used by spies and criminals to track cellphones and intercept calls. To which the NSA is complaining “We thought of it first!”

That’s if for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, some good news from the world of sports in that the Masters will start tomorrow morning. First the start of baseball season, and now the Masters. Everything is good once again. Even the Dodgers have started winning. Sometimes. They need to work on that a little more. Now if the weather would just warm up some I would be really good. Although I am always at my best when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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