Tuesday, April 03, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Scientists say there could be DNA testing for IQ soon. So far it has only been done to show the lowest IQ levels on people taking jobs in the Trump Administration.

Rising interest rates are reportedly sounding an alarm for debt-laden consumers. Although it’s always a sign the economy is good when people finally get out of debt and can start living beyond their means again.

Rising interest rates are reportedly sounding an alarm for debt-laden consumers. Although they can’t be blamed for spending more than they have living under a government that is now $21 Trillion in the red.

A report says college students are earning credit for attending a white privilege conference. Which back in the 1950s, earning class credit from white privilege was known as a “college degree.”

A report says baseball viewership is at its lowest in a decade. Mostly because if people want to watch a five hour contest that ends up with a final score of 1-0, they might as well become soccer fans.

A hotel has opened in the Ukraine that caters to kinky couples interested in S&M, complete with a “torture room.” Which for people interested in a hotel featuring torture rooms in the U.S. is known as staying at a Super 8.

A hotel has opened in the Ukraine that caters to kinky couples interested in S&M, complete with a “torture room.” Apparently everything was already in place as they just converted the hotel from the old headquarters of the KGB.

Mark Zuckerberg was slammed by a photojournalist who said he was berated after taking pictures of the Facebook CEO picking up his dog’s poop. Which may have just been a metaphor for what Zuckerberg is dealing with the latest Facebook scandal.

A Kentucky couple who divorced 50 years ago are planning to remarry. Mostly because they are now old enough to have forgotten why they divorced the first time.

A Kentucky couple who divorced 50 years ago are planning to remarry. Part of the deal is he needs to buy her a gift for every anniversary he didn’t have to remember the first time.

A study says cellphone radiation causes tumors in rats. Mostly because they don’t have pockets where they can keep their cellphones in.

A Canadian company is planning to make drones that can carry a 400 pound payload. So far the only interest in the drones has come from Domino’s for their average pizza order on Super Sunday.

Mudslide losses have topped $427 Million for the California town of Montecito. In other words, the cost will cover the complete loss of as many as three homes.

Charles and David Koch are telling Donald Trump he needs to compromise with Democrats on DACA. Mostly because without immigrants, who are the Koch Brothers going to get to work in the yard, cook meals and clean the house?

A North Carolina city has released bodycam video showing police violently arresting a jaywalking suspect. Police became suspicious when they saw him display abnormal behavior, like getting around town as a pedestrian.

A study says medicinal pot may reduce the use of opioids. Mostly for people who are too stoned to get off the couch to pick up their prescription for painkillers.

A vehicle carrying elephants in Spain crashed killing one of the animals. It wouldn’t have happened if the driver hadn’t tried to fit them all into that little car he borrowed from a circus clown.

A 13 year old boy in Los Angeles was found alive 13 hours after falling into a sewer. Rescuers say the boy was in good condition, he just looked a little flushed.

A 13 year old boy in Los Angeles was found alive 13 hours after falling into a sewer. Apparently he just wanted to go see a game at Dodger Stadium.

The ATF is being accused by the Inspector General of keeping shoddy records of munitions and explosives. Which is no surprise since they aren’t exactly doing a great job of keeping down the use of alcohol or tobacco.

Tesla shares dropped 7% after Elon Musk’s April Fool’s Day tweet saying the company was filing for bankruptcy. Apparently he got his training in social media use from that course he took at Trump University.

Donald Trump sent out several tweets assaulting Amazon and its contract with the Post Office which he says is cheating taxpayers. Which turns out he is just mad that Bezos has turned out to be a better negotiator than Trump.

Free Wi-Fi from Google is turning rural school buses into rolling classrooms. The sad part is that there is a need for kids to be able to catch up on their homework while sitting on a school bus riding through farmland three hours a day.

Free Wi-Fi from Google is turning rural school buses into rolling classrooms. Which is great news for the kids who are too afraid they will be caught accessing online porn sites in the classroom.

Free Wi-Fi from Google is turning rural school buses into rolling classrooms. Which is also great news for the bus drivers who will now be able to have a connection that will let them text while behind the wheel.

Organizers of a Pokemon Go festival in Chicago must pay $1.6 Million to people who weren’t able to play because of poor reception. Imagine going outside, denied playing Pokemon Go and only being able to enjoy the trees, grass and blue sky.

Energizer’s $2 Billion purchase of Rayovac Batteries got past concerns by the FTC over antitrust violations. Energizer always just manages to keep going, and going…

Marne, Iowa is offering free land to anyone willing to build a new home there. Which is great news for all the people who already have a home with its own set of wheels.

Marne, Iowa is offering free land to anyone willing to build a new home there. Which means those people will save the entire $23 it costs to buy a lot in town.

Matt Lauer is listing his Manhattan apartment for $7.35 Million. It’s the house where every room is a panic room.

Matt Lauer is listing his Manhattan apartment for $7.35 Million. The number one selling point is every door can be locked with a remote from the outside.

An Illinois woman is suing Junior Mints, saying they are shortchanging customers on the candy. She hasn’t said how much she is suing for, but her lawyer says to come up with a settlement the company will need to buy a real mint.

Experts are warning of the danger of a condom snorting challenge where condoms are inhaled through the nose and come out the mouth. This is the problem that happens when schools’ only sex education is about abstinence.

A study says giving up an exercise program could lead to depression. Especially for the people who quit after a month and are still locked into paying off the rest of their two year gym membership.

Health experts say a “super gonorrhea” case could just be the “tip of the iceberg.” Unfortunately, that is not the tip that most women trying to avoid the disease should be concerned about.

Boston Medical center is offering cooking classes to restore people’s health after addiction. The problem is when participants ask if they have any recipes for meth.

The temperature was a cool 45 degrees for the White House Easter Egg Roll over the weekend. Which is fine because it was still plenty warm enough for all the local politicians to be hard boiled.

“The Lion King” musical is to play performances in Antarctica. It’s the one where the only playbills are the ones on the penguins.

“The Lion King” musical is to play performances in Antarctica. The only problem is making sure people don’t confuse it with a concert by Coldplay.

E Street Band member Nils Lofgren’s guitars that were stolen from his van outside a Holiday Inn Express have been recovered. When asked how he was going to perform without guitars, Lofgren said “Well, I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.”

E Street Band member Nils Lofgren’s guitars stolen from his van outside a Holiday Inn Express have been recovered. Two lessons: leaving guitars in a van outside a motel is not a good idea, and Bruce Springsteen is the cheapest employer ever.

Fred Couples says Tiger Woods is no different than he was ten years ago. Which means he is playing great and don’t let him drive the golf cart.

A report says NBA injuries are the highest in a decade. Mostly for the players who make the mistake of trying to cut in front of Charles Barkley in the buffet line.

A report says NBA injuries are the highest in a decade. Mostly players trying to make themselves less likely to be traded to the Lakers and having to deal with LaVar Ball.

A report says NBA injuries are the highest in a decade. How ironic that it’s after pot is legalized that players would start having problems with their joints.

Ski icon Bob Beattie, who helped launch the World Cup circuit has died at age 85. Apparently once he hit 80, it was all downhill.

Todd Marinovich was arrested in California where he is participating in a developmental league. Which is now being called arrested developmental league.

Josh Rosen’s coach at UCLA Jim Mora says the quarterback may not be the best fit for the Browns, needing to be “challenged intellectually.” Which is fine because anyone going to Cleveland will be considered intellectually challenged anyway.

The average age of Major League Baseball players dropped below 29 on Opening Day. However, when the Rangers call Bartolo Colon back up from the minors that number will go up over 35.

The Washington Nationals have placed catcher Matt Wieter on the disabled list for an oblique injury. Apparently next time he is hurt he needs to be more specific.

The IRS audit rate is at its lowest in the past 15 years. Which Donald Trump says is because they are still looking over his returns so he can’t release them to the public.

Ted Nugent says school shooting survivor David Hogg “wouldn’t know an AR-15 from a Pterodactyl.” Which of course Nugent believes that AR-15s were used to shoot dinosaurs back in the time of Jesus.

The Interior Department is backing off a proposed steep rate hike at National Parks. Apparently they feel it would be better to sell the land to energy companies and let people access it to enjoy nature among the oil wells for free.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I thought it was sad to read about Nils Lofgren having his guitars stolen from his van outside a Holiday Inn Express in Dallas before a show. One, because I really like Nils Lofgren who is a great guitar player. But also because why is someone who has been around as long as Nils Lofgren with his level of success traveling around in a van and staying at a Holiday Inn Express. Which I refer back to the punch line about Bruce Springsteen possibly being incredibly miserly, or maybe Lofgren just likes to travel on the cheap. If the latter is the case, I like him even more now. Just glad he got his guitars back and can keep on his road trip. I would like to see him but have the feeling his tour will not make it through West Virginia. Just a guess. I have no complaints about living here. I try not to complain about much. In fact, I am doing well and things always just get that much better when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



1 comment:

Unknown said...

View your credit free : Check your credit score : https://www.checkcreditscorefree.co.uk
free credit check : https://www.creditcheckfree100.co.uk
free credit report : https://www.free-creditreportuk.co.uk
My credit score : https://www.mycreditscorecheck.co.uk
how to improve credit score : https://www.improvecreditratingscore.co.uk