Sunday, April 29, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Conservative website RedState was frozen by owners after a mass firing last week. Apparently the site was losing enough cash to change its name to “In The Red” State.

Tom Brokaw was replaced as commencement speaker at Sacred Heart University by Linda McMahon after allegations of previous sexual harassment. As cofounder of the WWE, organizers knew anyone harassing her would be put in the “piledriver.”

Jeff Bezos made $12 Billion in one day in an Amazon surge. As compared to all his employees who made a combined salary that same day of $74.50.

Jeff Bezos made $12 Billion in one day in an Amazon surge. Which is amazing that he did it selling crap for billions of dollars that isn’t worth $5.

Amazon fixed a bug in Alexa that let hackers listen in on Echo. Although who would want to eavesdrop on people just ordering pizza and searching shows to binge watch on Netflix?

A company is making vodka using San Francisco fog. Which for anyone who drinks enough of it ends up in a fog of their own.

The Cannes Film Festival is opening a sexual predator hotline. Callers are told to press 1 for Harvey Weinstein and 2 for all other perverts.

Donald Trump tweeted the Russia probe “MUST END NOW!” He followed that with a tweet saying it’s time to tell Robert Mueller “Nyet…I mean No!”

Wynn Resorts is considering dropping the “Wynn” from their name. Especially the casino gamblers who go in to a place named “Wynn” but always manage to lose.

Former “SNL” cast member Rob Schneider says the show is “ruining the joke” by constantly going after Donald Trump. In fact, it is almost becoming as repetitive and annoying as that skit with the Richmeister copy guy.

Former “SNL” cast member Rob Schneider says the show is “ruining the joke” by constantly going after Donald Trump. Which is a pretty bold accusation about ruining jokes coming from the guy who made “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalo.”

Tech companies in California are making robots that are reportedly very lifelike. Which means the females just lie there and the males are done in three minutes.

Tech companies in California are making robots that are reportedly very lifelike. Which should spark an interest from Donald Trump who could get a robot made from less plastic than Stormy Daniels for a lot less than $130,000.

British bookmakers are giving Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un 2 to 1 odds at winning the Nobel Peace Prize for bringing peace to Korea. Which is odd, considering last week the odds were 3 to 1 they would both start a nuclear war.

British bookmakers are giving Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un 2 to 1 odds at winning the Nobel Peace Prize for bringing peace to Korea. Although these are the same bookmakers whose focus last week was on the name of the Royal Baby.

A study says dark chocolate may help improve vision. Which explains why that one candy company has the name “See’s.”

A study says dark chocolate may help improve eyesight. Although people need to be careful they don’t eat too much and get double chocolate vision.

A study says a lot of people watching the solar eclipse in Kentucky were high on drugs. Which finally explains that picture of Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and his wife arriving there on a government jet carrying all those shopping bags.

A study says horses can read humans’ facial expressions and remember people’s moods. The real problem though is when they see Camilla Parker Bowles and say “Who’s side are you playing for?”

A study says some antidepressants are linked to dementia. Which is how they make users feel happier by making them forget why they were depressed in the first place.

The University of Utah will start a $740,000 study on how pot affects the brain. $10,000 is for the actual study with the other $730,000 to cover the cost of the pizza.

A passenger on the deadly Southwest Airlines flight is suing for PTSD, anxiety, and emotional distress. Which could cause United to also sue Southwest for stealing their business model.

Mongolia and Singapore have reportedly been narrowed to the final two sites being considered for the meeting between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un. The final determination being made on which of those countries has a Trump hotel.

Michigan will vote on making marijuana legal in the November election. The proposal made the ballot because it could raise tax money, create jobs and mostly because Michigan is the birthplace of Domino’s Pizza.

A report says 7 out of 10 people in the world have some sort of bank account. Which is a great service provided by Wells Fargo to give the other three at least the chance to have an account even if it is fake.

A judge has temporarily blocked a merger between Xerox and Fujifilm. Apparently it will be sent to a court dealing with cases that would be relevant if it were still 1978.

A report says the median pay at Google parent Alphabet is nearly $200,000 a year. Which is great for college grads who can move to Silicon Valley into a studio apartment, ride a bike and eat macaroni & cheese like they are still in school.

The board at Google parent Alphabet is urging shareholders to shoot down a proposal for a report on the company’s gender pay gap. Although it is still being welcomed by the three women who actually work at Google.

A poll says U.S. workers’ fear of job loss has risen slightly over last year. Which is good news signaling higher salaries as people aren’t scared to lose a job when it pays only minimum wage.

Researchers say online reviews of cosmetic surgeons may be unreliable. Their advice is to just stay away from doctors who claim they worked on Michael Jackson or Kenny Rogers.

Researchers say online reviews of cosmetic surgeons may be unreliable. Especially for breast implants where there will not be one negative comment from any men.

A teacher in Indiana has a rare condition that makes her smell like fish after eating certain foods. Which is no coincidence she is a teacher where she can be in a school.

Families living near a North Carolina hog farm were awarded $50 Million because of the smell, flies and chemical spraying. Which gives hope to people looking for the same compensation who live near the border of Alabama.

Families living near a North Carolina hog farm were awarded $50 Million because of the smell, flies and chemical spraying. What did those people expect after moving near a hog farm, that it would smell like a rose garden?

Families living by a North Carolina hog farm were awarded $50 Million for the smell, flies and chemical spraying. That’s one jury that really brought home the bacon.

“The Simpsons” aired their 636th episode, longest ever for a scripted show. Which at CBS, to get 636 episodes would combining the 212 programs that never made it past show number three.

Tom Cruise jumped from a plane 106 times for a stunt for the latest “Mission: Impossible” film. Which is still about 20 less than the number of times he bounced around on Oprah’s couch.

The Cleveland Browns plan to put quarterback Baker Mayfield on the bench his first year. Which means he will still have a better rookie season than Johnny Manziel.

Matt Davidson of the White Sox has already hit seven home runs this year at Kansas City’s Kauffman Stadium. Which is easier than it sounds since every time he is there it’s against the Royals pitching staff.

Josh Allen says he is eager to clear the air with Buffalo Bills teammates over racist tweets he posted in high school. Which shouldn’t be hard to seek forgiveness from the team that once had its uniform worn by O.J. Simpson.

A retired Pittsburgh Pirates usher was honored on his 100th birthday. The question being why does a team that averages 13,000 fans a game even need ushers?

Allegations of Ronny Johnson drinking on the job highlights that Washington, D.C. has the highest rate of binge drinking in the country. The most amazing part is that will all that is going on in Washington, Donald Trump is the one who is sober.

Bill Cosby has been convicted of three counts of sexual assault. Although people in Hollywood are still wondering how he got away with making “Leonard Part 6.”

Scientists are teaching Artificial Intelligence to think like dogs in order to assist the elderly and disabled. So far all they have are robots that want to go for a ride.

Wyoming commemorated the 1868 Fort Laramie pact with Indians. The celebration included exhibits, demonstrations and honoring the government for waiting up to six months before breaking the treaty.

A Massachusetts school district paid $10,000 over ransomware attacks. It’s too bad the administration didn’t ask some of the district’s third graders to show them how to secure a computer.

A report says teenagers entering rehab are being cured of social media addiction. Now if they could only cure them of watching TV, playing video games and eating junk food on the couch all day.

GM is making a life-sized replica of a Hot Wheels car that can be driven. The contract would have been given to Chrysler, but it would have involved waiting for someone to make a life-sized replica of a Tonka truck to tow it.

Katy Perry had a meeting with the Pope in Rome. Apparently she will do anything including going straight to the top to win that property lawsuit against the Church.

Katy Perry had a meeting with the Pope in Rome. The sad part is just like when Donald Trump didn’t take Sean Spice along to meet the pontiff, Perry went to her meeting without the Left Shark.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some news from the entertainment world says Parliament-Funkadelic icon George Clinton will retire from touring next year. At 76 he has earned the opportunity to take it easy after keeping the world funked up since the 1970s. Now if someone could just get Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber to consider hanging it up, we would be getting somewhere. Hopefully, Clinton will have many years to enjoy his retirement after providing so much great music for the past half century. I only wish my jokes affected the lives of so many. I mean in a good way. But I’m just happy when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



1 comment:

Habibur rahaman said...

Get more nice and funny Bangla Jokes to share with everyone you like.