Friday, April 27, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Iran’s Supreme Leader is calling for Muslim nations to unite against the U.S. To which all the other countries in the world are saying “You too?”

Iran’s Supreme Leader is calling for Muslim nations to unite against the U.S. Where’s he been? That’s pretty much been the business model for the entire Middle East since 1979.

Jobless claims in the U.S. are at their lowest since 1969. Which ironically was also the last time companies in the U.S. were paying workers a livable wage.

A judge has rejected an effort by UC Berkeley to dismiss a lawsuit claiming the school discriminated against conservative speakers with unreasonable restrictions and fees. Who did they think they were, students?

The U.S. has fallen to 45th place on the press freedom index. What else can be expected where people pick up most their news while scrolling through Facebook?

White House doctor Ronny Johnson has withdrawn his nomination for Secretary of the VA after being accused of recklessly prescribing drugs and poor leadership. In other words, he would have fit in perfectly on the Trump Cabinet.

White House doctor Ronny Johnson has withdrawn his name to lead the VA, accused of recklessly prescribing drugs and poor leadership. Although he isn’t getting enough credit for somehow keeping Donald Trump alive on that McDonald’s diet.

Tom Cruise jumped out of a plane 106 times for a stunt to get three takes needed for his latest “Mission Impossible” movie. Which are still fewer takes than he usually needs for any scene that contains dialogue.

Venice will segregate locals from visitors in a bid to control tourism. To which travelers are asking France when will they do them a favor and try that in Paris?

Scientists are saying cold weather is more depressing to people than a terrorist attack. How bad is it when people would be happier moving to Afghanistan than living in Minnesota, Wisconsin or Maine?

A report says hit and run fatalities are increasing as more people are walking and riding their bikes to work. Especially in Los Angeles where motorists have never actually seen bicyclists or pedestrians before.

A report says Americans are hoarding money in checking accounts. Which is OK as long as they are banking with Wells Fargo and the money they don’t really have is in an account that doesn’t really exist.

Subway is set to close 500 stores this year. That serves them right for trying to force that healthy menu on Americans.

Subway is set to close 500 stores this year. That’s more bad news for Jared Fogle who won’t have a place to work sweeping floors when he finally gets out of prison.

The University of Utah has designated a “cry closet” for stressed out students during finals. They will need another one for the students who graduate when they get their first tuition loan payment bill.

Stormy Daniels says she wants a “seat at the table” during the Michael Cohen case. Which is ironic as it’s her seat that got Donald Trump in trouble in the first place.

Lybian strongman Gen. Khalife Hifter has returned to the country after medical treatment. Although if he is looking to be accepted by other countries, someone called “Hifter” might want to do some surgery on that name.

A judge has dismissed a lawsuit where a man was kicked out of a New York bar for wearing a Donald Trump hat. Apparently the bar has the right to refuse service for “no shirt, no shoes, no sense.”

Donald Trump says North Korea has made major nuclear concessions. Meaning they conceded they have no bombs, no missiles and no real weapons.

Bill Cosby has been convicted on three counts of sexual assault. The worst part is even Harvey Weinstein is saying “He’s guilty as hell!”

Bill Cosby has been convicted on three counts of sexual assault. It was sad for many to see Cosby go from “America’s Dad” to “America’s creepy old guy.”

Donald Trump has delayed the release of some Kennedy assassination files, citing national security concerns. Over what? How much more dead can he get?

The Army has allowed a soldier to wear a beard because of his “Norse Pagan faith.” The catch is he can only go into battle with a crossbow and sword wearing a pointy helmet with horns.

Facebook says it didn’t read the terms and conditions on the app that allowed a company to collect personal data of users. You would think Mark Zuckerberg would have more sense to just scroll down and hit “accept.”

German police were called on a domestic abuse case which turned out to just be a bondage class. Which was disappointing to the police as everyone was already wearing a pair of handcuffs.

A poll says 30% of Americans are spending more than they did during the recession. The other 70% says it just feels like it because they no longer have an income.

GNC is closing 200 stores in the U.S. Which ironically is the first thing GNC has ever done that has resulted in an actual slimming down.

Deutsche Bank is warning the U.S. could be facing a debt crisis. Apparently their first clue was when our national debt first hit $20 Trillion.

 Report says Baby Boomers are most worried about healthcare and Social Security during retirement. Although that comes after the fear of not being able to reach their projected retirement age of 93.

Ford will stop making all cars other than the Mustang. Mostly because they realize they should stick to trucks after giving us the Pinto, Escort and Edsel.

Ford will stop making all cars other than the Mustang. Mostly to make car buyers think back to when they last actually delivered a quality product back in 1965.

A report says some U.S. colleges are inappropriately urging alumni to postpone student loan payments so the institutions won’t face penalties. Which graduates figure it isn’t that much of a difference to extend the payments from age 79 to 83.

A Tennessee woman says she watched YouTube videos before delivering her own baby in a Turkish hotel room. It’s just a good thing she didn’t need an appendectomy.

A Tennessee woman says she watched YouTube videos before delivering her own baby in a Turkish hotel room. It’s a good thing she was staying at a Holiday Inn Express.

A study says hearing aids can keep seniors out of the ER. Especially the ones on the golf course who never hear anyone yelling “Fore!”

A study says hearing aids can keep seniors out of the ER. Especially the ones who are there because they just couldn’t hear that horn honking.

Psychologists say people are obsessed with the Royal Family because of “parasocial behavior” where people become attached without any personal interaction. In other words, the Royal Family was reality stars centuries before TV came along.

The CDC says 70% of the people affected by the romaine lettuce E. coli outbreak are women. People were shocked. 30% of men eat lettuce?

Saturday is National Drug Take Back Day. The only problem is with the stoners who try to return drugs to trade them in for something else that gets them higher.

Saturday is National Drug Take Back Day. The sad part is when people turn in drugs they couldn’t use because they could never get past the child-proof cap.

Donald Trump says he was too busy to buy Melania a birthday gift so he instead got her a “beautiful card.” Which is a good thing because the only present she wanted is one of those electric shockers for the next time he tries to hold her hand.

Kim Kardashian showed off a perfume bottle modeled after her own body. Which means it is made out of plastic on the top and backside and the perfume is propelled by lots of air.

Prince Harry has chosen Prince William as his Best Man for next month’s Royal Wedding. Mostly because he knew William was the one person who probably had nothing else scheduled to do that day.

Oakland A’s Opening Day starter Kendall Graveman has been sent to their Triple A team. That’s good news for the pitcher who says it’s always nice to get a promotion.

San Diego State University says its proposed new 35,000 seat stadium could be expanded to hold 55,000 if an NFL team returns to the city. Although the Chargers would have never left town if they could have even gotten the 35,000.

The Cleveland Browns picked Baker Mayfield as the number one draft choice. He went to Oklahoma, was arrested for public intoxication and had confrontations on the field. In other words, it’s Johnny Manziel Part 2.

The NHL is telling the Bruins’ Brad Marchand to quit licking opposing players. Apparently he was trying to bite them but forgot he doesn’t have any teeth.

The NHL is telling the Bruins’ Brad Marchand to quit licking opposing players. When did any hockey fan ever think they would actually be reading that headline?

The Marlins beat the Dodgers in L.A. for the biggest upset since 2007. The only bigger upset would be any other time the Marlins actually win.

A tennis corruption report says there is a “tsunami” of problems at lower levels. Which is ironic they would have a tsunami of problems in the one sport where fans have never done the wave.

Paul Ryan has forced the House Chaplain Rev. Patrick Conroy to resign. Apparently the way things are going, top GOP members feel it would be more appropriate to have the position filled by an exorcist.

Tom Brokaw is being accused of inappropriate behavior at NBC in the 1990s. No one even knew that he had taken on the job back then as mentor for Matt Lauer.

Tom Brokaw is being accused of inappropriate behavior at NBC in the 1990s. Although he never got very far because he couldn’t complete his favorite line “You look lovely as a lily in a luring locale.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, which means tomorrow is Saturday and the start of the weekend. Which is followed by Sunday, the end of the weekend and then by Monday back to work. How did I just work that sentence into a depressing thought? I hope that none of you are depressed after making it this far in the blog, other than possibly being sad about killing 20 minutes you will never get back. It could be worse. At least it’s not the eight hours in the office you are doing for pretty much no discernible reason. Just think how much time I put into these jokes if you want to get into wasting time. Although it is never a waste of time for me when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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