Thursday, April 26, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A woman died on an Alaska Airlines flight from Seattle to Kansas City after going into cardiac arrest. As opposed to most the people who die on United from old age waiting for cancelled flights to be rescheduled.

A woman died on an Alaska Airlines flight from Seattle to Kansas City after going into cardiac arrest. The way to survive flying United is to give up your seat and get off the plane when they tell you.

A woman with $200,000 in personal debt is running for governor of Georgia. She’s the one who can at least promise to run the government like a household.

A group says hostility towards journalists is growing worldwide. Which brings up the question of when has anyone ever had good feelings towards journalists?

Some scientists say climate change is “not as bad as we thought.” Mostly because the effects could take decades while Donald Trump starting a nuclear war could wipe us out in minutes.

China is implementing a high tech plan to give people a personal score based on behavior that could keep people from buying property or flying. If that happened in the U.S., it would guarantee never sitting on a plane next to Alec Baldwin.

A rhinoceros at a Chicago zoo underwent a CT scan for a nasal obstruction. If the condition is serious enough, it could have to undergo some rhino-plasty.

A rhinoceros at a Chicago zoo underwent a CT scan for a nasal obstruction. It’s just good to know for people who lost their health insurance, there is always the option of volunteering to be an exhibit at a wildlife park.

The GOP has put together a list of 50 Democrats to watch who could make a run for President in 2020. Of course, the Democrats will more than likely narrow it down to the one person who could figure out a way to lose to Donald Trump.

California tops the list of most aggressive drivers, with an average of six minutes between aggressive moves. That is how long it takes for a car length of space to open on the 405 Freeway that they have to floor it to close the gap.

California tops the list of most aggressive drivers, with an average of six minutes between aggressive moves. It’s not easy to reload a Glock in one hand with a cellphone in the other while trying to drive.

Conoco has won a $2 Billion arbitration over seized investments from Venezuela. The only problem is the entire country of Venezuela is worth $1.5 Billion.

French President Macron ripped Donald Trump’s policies in a speech to Congress. That will teach Trump to watch whose shoulder he brushes dandruff off next time.

Hank Azaria has offered to stop voicing “Simpsons” character Apu after complaints of racial stereotyping. He will just continue with his other stereotypical characters of uneducated rube Cletus, nerdly scientist Dr. Frink and criminal biker Snake.

Democrats are seeking answers over Donald Trump’s use of an unsecured cellphone. They need to realize any phone Trump uses is pretty much unsecured.

Online lender LendingClub stocks dropped after the FTC called their slogan of “no hidden fees” deceptive. As opposed to airlines who make no secret that once you are on the plane there is a fee for pretty much anything you do.

Online lender LendingClub stocks dropped after the FTC called their slogan of “no hidden fees” deceptive. Mostly because the sure way to know there are hidden fees is when a company says there are no hidden fees.

Moscow says it will limit alcohol sales at the World Cup. That pretty much just killed all ticket sales possibilities originating in Scotland.

Moscow says it will limit alcohol sales at the World Cup. Mostly because they know the less alcohol, the lower the chances of anyone coming to a game with a vuvuzela.

Penn State says the outdoors is too risky for people in the “Outing Club.” Although it still isn’t as dangerous for students as participating in Fraternity Rush Week.

Penn State says the outdoors is too risky for people in the “Outing Club.” Besides, most students who want to experience the wilderness usually just sit on the couch playing the “Sportsmans’ Challenge” video game.

Penn State says the outdoors is too risky for people in the “Outing Club.” Apparently the University thought some students may confuse the Outing Club as a group intent on exposing which students are gay.

A report says American confidence in the stock market is falling. Which is OK as most people don’t have more than $20 to start a stock portfolio in the first place.

Facebook has named a new head of public policy. Which their public policy has always been to find a way to make billions of dollars by getting people to spend eight hours of their day on Facebook.

Medicare will require hospitals to post their prices online. Which range from “too high” to “insurance won’t pay it” to “you’re gonna die.”

Researchers say regular exercise can reduce the risk of depression. Which is ironic as what makes people sad is having to get off the couch to go work out.

Researchers say regular exercise can reduce the risk of depression. Especially when the reason they are sad is because they don’t have enough stamina to even walk around the block.

The EPA has given $1.9 Million to a researcher to find lead in water. He responded with a map giving directions to Flint, Michigan.

The CDC says there has been a big decline in the birth rate for girls under 15. Apparently all it took was for them to realize it’s a lot more fun to just play with a Barbie doll instead that doesn’t need to be fed at 3:00 in the morning.

The CDC says there has been a big decline in the birth rate for girls under 15. Remember when boys called 15 year old girls “yucky” instead of “my baby mama”?

Britain has appointed the world’s first Loneliness Minister. The worst part is they gave her the job but she has no staff and was stuck in an office in the basement.

Britain has appointed the world’s first Loneliness Minister. The idea came after Parliament saw what has happened over the past few years to Tony Blair.

Kanye West went on a Twitter rant where he praised Donald Trump and then suddenly fired his manager Scooter Braun. It sounds like instead of praising Trump he now thinks he is Trump.

Kanye West went on a Twitter rant where he praised Donald Trump and then suddenly fired his manager Scooter Braun. Which Braun hopes that Trump will intervene to make him the second “Scooter” this week to get a pardon.

Former “Smallville” actress Allison Mack reportedly groomed and branded sex slaves for a cult leader in New York. No one had any idea that when she was in Hollywood she was mentored by Harvey Weinstein.

The NBA is considering ending the “one and done” rule for the 2020 draft. Which means this year’s high school graduates will be the last class that will ever have to struggle to play basketball while carrying a load of up to six credits.

 The NBA is considering ending the “one and done” rule for the 2020 draft. It’s mostly because of the financial hardship from having to play three years in the NBA to be able to pay off that one year of college tuition.

LaVar Ball is pulling sons LiAngelo and LaMelo out of Lithuania, saying “I just didn’t get along with the coach.” People were shocked at the news. LaVar was able to go a whole four months before hating his sons’ coach?

LaVar Ball is pulling sons LiAngelo and LaMelo out of Lithuania. NBC is just glad Tom Brokaw isn’t still around to have to read that headline.

Michael Vick has joined the Atlanta AAF team as offensive coordinator. He wanted to stay in the NFL but teams were worried what might happen when they played at Cleveland and put him near the Dawg Pound.

A company is trying to revolutionize the baseball bat by giving it an axe handle. Which gives a whole new meaning to the “Baltimore Chop.”

A company is trying to revolutionize the baseball bat by giving it an axe handle. The bad part is when a batter strikes out and the umpire calls “Strike tree!”

Steve Kerr told Manu Ginobili not to retire. Mostly because at 40 years old, Ginobili’s leaving would take away the youthful exuberance that inspires the rest of the Spurs.

Shawn Kemp says he feels that basketball will come back to Seattle. Apparently he feels the emptiness like when one child leaves home leaving a void for the other ten they leave behind.

The judge in Suge Knight’s murder trial asked who he picked to win the NBA Championship. Knight said “Houston.” Which should be taken with a grain of salt because Knight also says his plea is “not guilty.”

The New Orleans Pelicans voided 2,500 playoff tickets that were bought improperly. At least that is the assumption because who even knew the Pelicans were actually in the NBA playoffs?

A study says climate change could make thousands of tropical islands uninhabitable. Although that has already happened for anyone who has recently checked out rent prices in Hawaii.

South Dakota State University is cutting its tennis program next year. The players will just have to find something else to do on the three days the weather allows tennis in South Dakota.

Michael Cohen says he will plead the Fifth Amendment in the Stormy Daniels case “under advice from counsel.” Let’s just hope he is better at picking legal help than Donald Trump.

A report says Hillary Clinton’s e-mail list, voter data and campaign software is costing Democrats millions of dollars. Which is still not as bad as her private server which cost them the House, Senate and presidency.

HUD Secretary Ben Carson is proposing a rent increase for low-income Americans receiving federal housing assistance. How else is the government going to pay for all those income tax cuts for the richest 1%?

Sean Spicer presided over the unveiling of the Melania Trump wax figure at Madame Tussauds. The awkward part was when everyone was trying to determine which was the one made of wax.

Gallup says poor well-being is associated with the shift to Donald Trump in 2016. Which ironically, the election resulted in poor well-being for everyone else.

A report says the North Korean nuclear test site collapsed and is unusable. At least North Korea can finally say they were actually able to use a nuclear weapon to destroy something.

A study says liquor drinkers have mouths crawling with bacteria. Although it still isn’t as bad as with the person who actually goes ahead and eats the worm.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! So what’s with Donald Trump these days? Nearly two weeks and no new scandals. He is definitely losing his touch. Even worse, he is half my material. Without his antics, I actually have to work to write these jokes. I’m sure he is just taking his time and is cooking up something really big that comes out right when Robert Mueller is ready to put the cuffs on him. That will make for more punchlines than during the O.J. Simpson trial. We can only hope. In the meantime, I’ll just keep writing away with what the headlines give me and as usual hope that you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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