Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Prince Charles has been approved to succeed Queen Elizabeth II as head of the British Commonwealth. Mostly because he is very common and has a lot of wealth.

Prince Charles has been approved to succeed Queen Elizabeth II as head of the British Commonwealth. Which means after nearly 70 years of training, he will finally have a job to show for it.

The FDA will implement an order for restaurants to display menus with calories. It will be known as the “This is why you are so fat” rule.

The NYPD has launched a search for an African-American man wearing a MAGA hat who pushed a person onto the subway tracks. It’s not so much about the crime, as them just wanting to see for themselves a black Donald Trump supporter.

The new Quentin Tarrantino film is said to have the “best screenplay in 30 years.” Mostly because 30 years ago theaters were showing “Crocodile Dundee II,” “Rambo III” and “Halloween 4.”

The improving economy is being credited with record high spring break travel. Students need a break to travel somewhere for sex, drugs and alcohol to get away from school where they usually partake in sex, drugs and alcohol.

A report says Osama bin Laden’s former bodyguard is living on welfare in Germany. Apparently he can’t find work after not doing such a great job for his last client.

Amazon has started a service delivering to vehicles. Which means package stealing porch pirates are going to have to instead just start learning how to steal cars.

A researcher in the recent Facebook scandal says his work gathering information was worth “literally nothing.” Mostly because who wants information from people who spend all day posting pictures of their meals while looking at cat videos?

Scientists say Uranus smells like rotten eggs. The question being what are scientists doing smelling Uranus?

Scientists say Uranus smells like rotten eggs. They could have found that out by just asking any proctologist. (These last two bits are rare examples where jokes actually write themselves. Juvenile, immature and dumb. But still always funny!)

China has opened the first personless bank. Don’t we already have that? It’s called an ATM.

China has opened the first personless bank. Mostly because in a few more years, robots will be the only clients who actually have any money.

China has opened the first personless bank. To which people in the U.S. are remembering banks as the places they used to go when they still had jobs and cash.

Kanye West says he “loves Donald Trump.” Which is finally starting to explain the whole Kim Kardashian thing.

Global music sales are up a reported 8.1%. Mostly because Taylor Swift hasn’t put out an album since last year and Justin Bieber two years before that.

Restaurants are reportedly struggling to keep up with the food delivery boon. How bad is it that we are now too lazy now to even go through the drive-thru window?

Donald Trump says North Korea’s Kim Jong-un is “very open and honorable.” In fact, he has changed his mind so much about Kim that he may actually have feelings of guilt when he launches the nuclear attack against him.

A judge has tossed a lawsuit over “no-fly” listing, saying “the Supreme Court has not recognized the right to convenient or unimpeded travel.” To which United Airlines, Amtrak and Greyhound are saying “yeah, just like us.”

A judge has tossed a lawsuit over “no-fly” listing, saying “the Supreme Court has not recognized the right to convenient or unimpeded travel.” Unless you are in the Trump Cabinet and just have the taxpayers foot the bill to fly first class.

The Supreme Court says victims can’t sue a Middle Eastern bank for financing terror. If they want to sue a bank with a history of terrorism, why not just go after Wells Fargo?

Donald Trump brushed some dandruff off the shoulder of French President Macron in the Oval Office. Which makes it the first time that a foreign leader wasn’t the one giving Trump the brushoff.

A white golf course owner in Pennsylvania called police on a group of five black women golfers for playing too slowly. People were shocked. There is such a thing as playing golf too slowly?

A white golf course owner in Pennsylvania called police on a group of five black women golfers for playing too slowly. People were shocked. There is a golf course that allows fivesomes?

The DHS says Russians likely targeted all 50 states leading up to the 2016 election. Which some are saying if Hillary Clinton did the same thing, she would be President.

Vladimir Putin has signed a law banning Internet “libel” of public figures. Which is different from anyone libeling Putin as they just tend to disappear.

The Supreme Court has upheld a 241 year prison sentence issued to a teenager. The good news is that was young enough at the time that he still has a chance to get out.

Mexican authorities say three missing film students were murdered and dissolved with acid. And people thought the critics in Hollywood were tough.

A study says 40% of men feel judged by their weight. The other 60% are so obese that no one at that point even cares.

A report says electrical defects cause Priuses to stall. The electrical defect in question being the Prius.

A report says the rise in “fake news” has produced a record number of journalism students. The only problem is determining whether the report in question is real.

A report says the rise in “fake news” has produced a record number of journalism students. The only problem being that the rise in accusations of fake news contributing to a record drop in jobs for journalists.

A report says the rise in “fake news” has produced a record number of journalism students. The good news being that students who can’t get a job as a journalist can still apply to Fox News, Breitbart and The National Enquirer.

Wells Fargo executives won support from investors to get pay increases. Which shows once again, crime really does pay.

A lawsuit claims Tesla workers were stiffed on overtime and denied breaks. Which hints the company may be gearing up for a takeover by Amazon.

A report says the economic input from golf is $84 Billion a year. Mostly from Donald Trump making all his decisions about the economy at Mar-a-Lago.

Three companies are making sneakers from recycled chewing gum. Although those thinking of investing in the industry are warned of a potential bubble.

Mitt Romney taunted Russell Westbrook after he was called for his fourth foul. Which Westbrook kept himself from taunting Romney back about losing to Barack Obama and not getting the Utah nomination for Senator.

Joe Namath called Baker Mayfield the “most outrageous” quarterback in the draft. Which means Suzy Kolber will have to be on extra alert any time she reports at one of his games.

Pete Carroll says Colin Kaepernick still has a chance with the Seahawks. Mostly because taking a knee would still have been a better decision than throwing an interception on the last play of the Super Bowl.

Pete Rose’s estranged wife says he owes money to casinos and the IRS. Which shows preferential treatment as anyone else in that position would be in prison nursing two broken legs.

A rare Shohei Ohtani baseball card could be worth as much as $60,000. Which will be terrible news for anyone who had the card and finds out their mom threw it out.

A San Francisco TV sports anchor was caught stealing a jacket from a Warriors security guard. People were surprised. A sports anchor interested in a jacket that isn’t red and green plaid?

The PGA Tour is close to making a deal to host a tournament in Detroit next year. It’s the one where the grounds crew will be known as “Mow Town.”

“Schoolhouse Rock” composer Bob Dorough has died at age 94. He helped teach kids in the ‘70s about math and English. Which are no longer necessary ever since the inventions of the calculator and texting.

FBI Director Christopher Wray says the agency’s brand “couldn’t be higher” outside the Beltway. Which asks what are they doing, catching criminals or selling cars?

The Toronto vehicle attack suspect is said to be a “loner” who “isn’t social at all.” Wouldn’t you know he was the only one on the road not texting behind the wheel?

Scott Pruitt says he is scaling back the EPA’s use of science. The ironic part is that if we used more science, we wouldn’t even need the EPA in the first place.

Uber has released its 2018 diversity report. Which shows the company is making improvements in there were an equal number of assaults on passengers regardless of race, religion or sex.

The Indiana pizzeria that refused to cater same-sex weddings has gone out of business. Which was a moot point in the first place as what gay wedding would ever consider a pizzeria for catering?

A report says 4 in 10 consumers scroll past and no longer trust social ads. The question is who are the 60% of people who actually still trust any social media ads?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Nothing to really rant about today. Thank goodness for small favors. Just glad you are logging in to check out the jokes. It’s nice to know there are others who have lots of spare time on their hands. And as usual, I am even happier when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!




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