Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!




Prince William and Duchess Kate had their third child, a baby boy. The good news is they are doing their part to reduce the UK unemployment rate as the child will need twelve nannies, a publicity agent, chauffeur and butler.

Prince William and Duchess Kate had their third child, a baby boy. The child is fifth in line to the throne, the bad news being of them are either Charles or his direct bloodline.

Wal-Mart has closed on a $12 Billion deal to buy Flipkart, an Indian commerce company. Until now, the only time “Flipkart” was associated with Wal-Mart is when two shoppers lose control of their Rascal scooters racing down Aisle 5.

Ford says it won’t use GM’s 9-speed automatic transmission. Mostly because Ford cars usually can’t get out of second gear.

The Chicago Sun Times left its front page blank as a plea to get subscribers. Which can be used by people to write in their own fake news.

The Chicago Sun Times left its front page blank as a plea to get subscribers. If that works, CBS may start trying to get new viewers by just airing a test pattern.

Amazon is planning to build robots for the home. Although there will be an awkward silence around the house when people living there find out the robot also took their job at work.

Amazon is being criticized for selling car theft kits. Which are mostly being used by Amazon employees who want to drive to work but can’t afford to buy a car.

Amazon is being criticized for selling car theft kits. So far, the only bad reviews online have been written by the car thieves who got caught.

A court has ruled sending intimate photos of sex partners is protected by the First Amendment. Although some women who had ex-boyfriends post their naked photos online are going to feel their actions are protected by the Second Amendment.

A court has ruled sending intimate photos of others is protected by the First Amendment. Apparently the ruling was made to keep more than half of all 15 year old boys from being eligible for jail time.

A report says the richest 1% is on track to control two thirds of the world’s wealth by 2030. Which is fine with most people who see a $164 Trillion world debt and say “It’s all yours!”

A report says the rich are using money to buy a longer life. Mostly by the ones who think it will help if they just pay some poor people to exercise for them.

A report says the rich are using money to buy a longer life. If having money means a longer life, how come the men pictures on our currency are all dead?

Google CEO Sundar Pichai is set to cash in $380 Million in stock. Which was discovered by someone googling “Most ridiculous salary in the world.”

A report says robots could overtake humans in 15 years. Mostly as they will be the only ones able to survive through the nuclear war Donald Trump is about to start.

A report says robots will feel “genuine emotions” in ten years. Meaning they will be very sorry when they take your job and any plans to retire before reaching 93.

A study says a vegetarian diet is just as effective as the Mediterranean diet for losing weight. Mostly because they both have the exact same zero percent chance of being followed by any Americans.

Chinese smartphones are being cited by intelligence as security risks sold on U.S. bases. Which is a problem for soldiers who are asking what other kind is there?

An 11 year old Texas boy who walked out of school to protest gun violence was run over by a truck. To add insult to injury, the truck was loaded with a full gun rack.

Bernie Sanders will announce a plan to offer a job for $15 an hour along with health care for every American who “wants or needs one.” Which is hard to believe as Sanders couldn’t even get himself the job he wanted in November, 2016.

Bernie Sanders will announce a plan to offer a job for $15 an hour along with health care for every American who “wants or needs one.” The only catch is just like now, in order to get it you first need a college degree.

A Colorado woman was fined $500 by Customs for bringing an apple into the U.S. she was given on a Delta flight from Paris. The worst part was the $300 it cost just to buy the apple on a plane flight.

A Colorado woman was fined $500 by Customs for bringing an apple into the U.S. she was given on a Delta flight from Paris. Even CEO Tim Cook of Apple says he would have sold her an apple for only $400.

A report says L.A. has the worst traffic in the world, with commuters averaging 102 hours a year in peak traffic. It’s so bad that half of the San Fernando Valley lists their permanent address as the 405 Freeway.

A report says L.A. has the worst traffic in the world, with commuters averaging 102 hours a year in peak traffic. What’s even worse is the 3,000 hours they spend in just moderate to light traffic.

A 12 year old Australian boy flew to Bali after stealing his mother’s credit card. The question is, in this day and age of tight airport security who thought there was nothing unusual about a 12 year old buying an airline ticket with a credit card?

A 12 year old Australian boy flew to Bali after stealing his mother’s credit card. Authorities should have questioned the ID card he used that listed him as “Pikachu.”

A 12 year old Australian boy flew to Bali after stealing his mother’s credit card. Remember back when kids who ran away backed a bag and went around the block?

A proposed California marijuana bank got initial approval. It’s the bank that uses currency featuring a picture of the Zig-Zag man.

A proposed California marijuana bank got initial approval. It’s the bank that offers interest that is compounded whenever someone gets around to it.

Billionaire Isaac Larian is still hopeful he can save Toys R Us. Which is interesting as when billionaires think of toys, it’s usually a Ferrari, yacht or private jet.

A report says education doesn’t necessarily save people from poverty. Especially the ones who will spend the next 40 years paying off their college tuition loans.

A report says education doesn’t necessarily save people from poverty. Just ask anyone who has graduated college with a degree in philosophy.

A report says 44% of U.S. workers have sought revenge against a coworker. The other 56% find it harder to do because they aren’t in management.

A veteran who was injured in an explosion received the first genital transplant in history. The best part is that he is no longer referred to by everyone as “Ken.”

A Connecticut university shut down after 100 students became suddenly ill. That serves them right for allowing Chipotle to have a restaurant in the student union.

A model born without part of her arm was given a gold prosthetic on her wedding day. The only problem is her husband now feels like he is having sex with C-3PO.

A study says being cold can help with weight loss. If that’s true, have you ever seen a skinny walrus?

Matt Lauer and Annette Roque are reportedly “preparing for divorce.” Although it sounds like Lauer was preparing for divorce the minute he started working at NBC.

A parrot will announce the fourth draft pick for the Buccaneers. Which means their choices are either named “Polly wants a cracker,” “Hello” or “Pretty Bird.”

Tom Brady’s agent says the quarterback wants to play into his mid 40s. What else is he going to do all day with a $200 Million net worth and a super model wife?

A college football video game may hit the market by 2020. They were going to try a college basketball video game, but it was too hard to keep changing all the players who leave after just one year.

The Bucks’ Giannis Antetokounmpo reportedly couldn’t get seated in a taco restaurant after a playoff game. Mostly because it took the hostess 20 minutes just to try to write his name on the seating list.

The Bucks’ Giannis Antetokounmpo reportedly couldn’t get seated in a taco restaurant after a playoff game. The question is why was an NBA star with his salary trying to get a post-meal game at a taco stand?

The Giants’ Brandon Belt was retired after a 21 pitch at-bat against the Angels. If it would have been the Astros, it would have taken three pitchers to record the out.

Oakland A’s pitcher Sean Manaea threw a no-hitter against the Red Sox. Fans were amazed. There is a pitcher who was allowed to stay in a game 9 innings?

Mitt Romney failed to get the GOP nomination for Utah Senator. Apparently he trouble connecting with the demographic of wives numbers two through five.

Donald Trump is reportedly ramping up use of his personal phone. Mostly because his staff keeps taking away his government phone right when he is getting to the part in his texts where he is declaring nuclear war.

A high school golfer was attacked on the course by an angry goose. The last time that happened is when a group teed off into a foursome featuring someone named Retief.

Donald Trump’s tax plan has given $40 Billion in breaks to owners of pass-through businesses. Those are the people who “pass through” Washington, D.C. to drop off payouts to lobbyists and members of Congress.

YouTube reveals it deleted 8.3 Million videos in late 2017. Mostly because even the most dedicated feline lover can only watch so much video of cats playing the piano.

Spotify is testing a filter that blocks swearing in songs. Meaning rap will now be mostly labeled as “instrumental.”

Spotify is testing a filter that blocks swearing in songs. Remember back in the ‘60s when songs didn’t need to be censored because no one could understand the lyrics?

A scientist who collected data on Facebook says it was “business as usual.” Which as it turns out is pretty much the problem with the entire Internet.

A YouTube video maker was fined $1,100 for training a dog to give the Nazi salute. He says he didn’t teach it anything, it’s just natural for the breed of Austrian pointer.

A study says a regular morning meal can help people stay slim. Except when the meal ends up lasting all the way through dinner.

A study says extreme weather swings are likely in California because of climate change. It could cause the temperature in San Diego to have a yearly range of all the way from 72 to 81 degrees.

A study says moms’ pot use can lead to low birth weight. But not if their kids turn into a bunch of stoners when they are adults.

A study says one in eight bird species are threatened with extinction. Especially around Christmastime when John Madden starts getting up an appetite for some turducken.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, so there’s another Royal Baby. What are you supposed to give that baby at a shower? Another set of gold-plated diapers? Why all the fuss about a Royal Family? It’s just like in the U.S. only there they cut out the middleman and don’t have to spend all their money to be elected. It just doesn’t seem right to have people who are given power, money and fame because of their family name. They should have to earn it, by being able to throw a football 60 yards in the air or hitting a 450 foot home run. USA! USA! USA! Now we’re talking! And I am done talking. At least about that. I am also done writing for the day, and I hope you enjoy the jokes. It is my pleasure to crank them out for you, and of course all I ever ask in return is that you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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