Sunday, April 22, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


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Hillary Clinton reportedly told her staff in 2016 she was tired of hearing how “nobody likes me.” Which would get a little old right after about the 25th year of that.

Hillary Clinton reportedly told her staff in 2016 she was tired of hearing how “nobody likes me.” To which they offered her a set of custom designed ear plugs.

Hillary Clinton reportedly told her staff in 2016 she was tired of hearing how “nobody likes me.” The sad part is she thought it would stop after November, 2016.

Verizon and AT&T are being investigated for collusion. No one even knew they were the networks that connected the White House to the Kremlin.

Donald Trump blasted OPEC, saying the cartel is keeping oil prices artificially high. To which U.S. oil executives are saying “Artificially?”

Scientists are reportedly close to creating a birth control pill for men that “shuts off” sperm. Which can also be achieved whenever men are forced to watch “The View.”

A British Airways pilot was arrested inside the cockpit with a blood alcohol level four times over the limit to fly. The good news is, once he gets out of jail he always has a job waiting for him at Southwest.

A four year old boy’s artwork is being displayed at the Artexpo New York. That’s the exhibit where the walls are lined with refrigerators to display his drawings.

A four year old boy’s artwork is being displayed at the Artexpo New York. He qualified once the exhibit started opening up to the medium of crayons.

A study says having a wide waist with a “normal weight” is a bigger health risk than obesity. Mostly because the only way for people to have a wide waist and a normal weight is to lose both their arms and legs.

A Bronx woman who turned 106 credits her longevity to her love for music. When asked what she liked to listen to the most, she said “What?”

A Bronx woman who turned 106 credits her longevity to her love for music. Although some things never change, as when she was younger her mom kept telling her to “Turn down that Benny Goodman on the Gramophone!”

“Smallville” actress Allison Mack was arrested for her role in an alleged sex cult. Although it has to be tough to get people involved in a sex cult with someone associated with a show called “Smallville.”

A Minnesota school bus driver was removed from his route after leading students in prayer. Mostly because the kids say whenever they get on a school bus, they pretty much already do that on their own.

Amy Schumer says a woman of color should have played her role in her new movie. Or as the audience is saying, how about instead trying to cast a woman of funny?

Scientists say people perform better when others are watching, despite being more nervous. The sad part is the players on the White Sox may never know.

Former NBA player Kenyon Martin says more than 80% of NBA players smoke pot. Which makes it interesting for fans to try to figure out who is the one player on the court on each team who isn’t stoned.

A New York City mailman is being charged with not delivering 17,000 pieces of mail, some postmarked back to 2005. The good news is that being only 13 years late still keeps his rounds ahead of schedule.

A New York City mailman is being charged with not delivering 17,000 pieces of mail, some postmarked back to 2005. He would have been caught sooner, but he claims the court summons they sent him must have gotten lost in the mail.

Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her 92nd birthday. People are wondering when she will retire, which will happen after someone figures out what it is she actually does.

Trump attorney Michael Cohen reportedly owes unpaid taxes of $80,000 from cab companies he owns. Which explains why all of Stormy Daniels porn movies have a plot that involves her with a cab driver.

Trump attorney Michael Cohen reportedly owes unpaid taxes of $80,000 from cab companies he owns. Which is ironic in that after paying Stormy Daniels $130,000 of his own money, Cohen has had to take a job driving for Uber.

A woman playing Pokemon Go in an Ohio park found a missing man with dementia. Although she was disappointed as when she first saw him thought she had captured a Dragonite.

A Texas juvenile justice department worker has been sentenced to 50 years in prison for stealing $1.2 Million in fajitas. He would have been given the death sentence if he weren’t for the fact he is now his own gas chamber.

A Michigan mother is charged with child abuse for leaving her two daughters in a suitcase on a curb. Family members say the woman obviously has a lot of baggage.

North Korea has announced it is halting nuclear and missile tests. Mostly because Kim Jong-un found out he has just as much fun lighting bottle rockets in the yard.

The three top-selling books in 2018 are all about the Trump Administration. Even more copies would be sold if the average Trump supporter knew how to read.

The three top-selling books in 2018 are all about the Trump Administration. Although the only book Donald Trump is worried about now is the one that some judge may soon be throwing at him.

A study says 34% of U.S. seniors don’t use the Internet. Mostly because those are the ones who still have a VCR that is always flashing “12:00.”

A study says 34% of U.S. seniors don’t use the Internet. Which is just as well because the other 66% use it as an opportunity to get rich by doing business deals with a Nigerian prince.

A 1952 Mickey Mantle baseball card has sold for $2.88 Million. Although the buyer was very disappointed, saying the gum that came with it was really stale.

A 1952 Mickey Mantle baseball card has sold for $2.88 Million. As opposed to an Alex Rodriguez baseball card which has a top value in New York of about $2.88.

Arizona teachers are threatening to walk out as they are being paid less than they were in 1999. The reason for that is because all the classrooms have fewer than five students with the state’s average age at 67.

Wells Fargo has been fined $1 Billion for abuses of auto and home loans. They say they will pay it off just as soon as they can create a few more fake accounts on which they can write a check.

Americans are being told to toss any romaine lettuce over fears of E. coli. Which for most Americans should be thrown out anyway since the last time they bought any was in 1994.

Americans are being told to toss any romaine lettuce over fears of E. coli. Which gives a whole new meaning to the term “tossed salad.”

A study says sexting can help with people in committed relationships. At least until their partner finds out about it.

A study says sexting can help with people in committed relationships. As long as they realize they are supposed to be sending the pictures to each other.

A study says sexting can help with people in committed relationships. To which kids are saying just like with Facebook, their parents are going to ruin that, too.

A new wrist device may bring relief to people with hand tremors. Don’t we already have that? They’re called “handcuffs.”

Controversial apps are being accused of marketing plastic surgery to kids. Parents say if kids want swollen lips, they should do it like in the old days. By getting punched in the mouth.

A report says prescriptions for opioids are decreasing but prescriptions for treatments to addiction are up. Which shows the pharmaceutical companies have figured out how to win coming and going.

A study says couples are happier when they share household chores. At least for the women who are happier when they dream that may someday actually happen.

Taylor Swift has had to deal with three alleged stalkers in a month. Which is weird how even guys she has no interest in don’t bother hanging around for long.

“Living Biblically” has been cancelled by CBS after eight shows. Which ironically is a result of most critics’ prayers being answered.

“Living Biblically” has been cancelled by CBS after eight shows. Or as “Living Biblically” is called in the Midwest, a reality show.

Living Biblically” has been cancelled by CBS after eight shows. Which the network should have known a show that doesn’t promote sex and violence on TB never stood a chance.

Mets outfielder Yoenis Cespedes says he thinks playing golf will help him end his hitting slump. Although if his slump lasts long enough, he will be able to play all the golf he wants.

Miami’s Justise Winslow was fined $15,000 for stepping on 76’er Joel Embiid’s face mask during a playoff game. Although if it was in the days of Bill Laimbeer, he would only have stepped on a mask if the player was still wearing it.

LeBron James bought matching suits for his teammates. It was the first time any professional sports team showed up wearing the same outfits other than when the Cincinnati Bengals are issued their orange jump suits.

Rafael Nadal criticized Roger Federer for skipping out on some major tournaments. Apparently Federer figures after winning 20 of them, why be greedy?

GOP megadonor Foster Friess will run for governor of Wyoming. Although being a multimillionaire, why doesn’t he just pony up the $67,000 and buy the whole state?

Charles Schumer says he will introduce a bill to decriminalize pot. And you thought that it already took forever to get anything done through Congress.

James Comey says Donald Trump has an “emptiness” inside him that he needs to fill with affirmation. The only problem is that he doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to ever get any of that.

James Comey says Donald Trump has an “emptiness” inside him that he needs to fill with affirmation. Which Democrats say they would love to affirm him, especially if it means with a firm kick in the backside.

Kim Jong-un says he no longer needs nuclear or missile testing. Apparently he is convinced that Donald Trump now wants to instead start a war with someone else.

Chinese President Xi says Internet control is the key to stability. To which everyone following Donald Trump’s Twitter account is saying “No kidding.”

A New Jersey police officer was arrested for selling drugs out of his squad car. Which makes sense as he was able to lower his prices by cutting out the middleman.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you like the jokes. If you made it this far, either you like what you have been reading or at least you are very persistent. I figure if I write enough jokes, there will be something in there you like. I can guarantee you won’t find any more jokes on any other blog. That’s because some of those writers believe in the concept of “quality.” I have never let that idea get in the way of anything I write. I’m just glad you keep coming back to check it out. And I get my reward when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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