Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Nicolas Cage says he will only act for three or for more years. People were surprised. Nicolas Cage is still acting?

Ex-Playboy model Karen McDougal is legally free to talk about her affair with Donald Trump. To which everyone is saying “Please don’t.”

A report says higher gasoline prices could wipe out the tax gains for millions of Americans. You didn’t think those oil executives were going to actually let you keep any of that money, did you?

A survey says 75% of the ultra rich forecast a recession in the next two years. To which everyone else is asking when are we getting out of the one we’re in now?

A survey says 75% of the ultra rich forecast a recession in the next two years. Which could bring about the ultra rich’s biggest fear of dropping to only being super rich.

A survey says more than half of the world’s wealthy expect to live to 100. Especially the ones who have an incentive to live that long to be able to count all their money.

A survey says more than half of the world’s wealthy expect to live to 100. Mostly because they are the only ones with enough money to actually afford any healthcare.

Researchers say people are less religious when government gets bigger. Mostly because there isn’t much time left for church after standing in line at the DMV for 12 straight hours.

Researchers say people are less religious when government gets bigger. Who needs to feed the masses with seven loaves and fish when there are always Food Stamps?

A Southern California tortoise with a cracked shell got $4,000 worth of repairs. Not only that, for protection it was also given a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax.

A study says nearly one in four American kids have at least one immigrant parent. Which makes them just like Barron Trump.

A study says nearly one in four American kids have at least one immigrant parent. They’ll have two if the other can make it across the border before the wall is built.

A study says the average American utters their first swear word of the day at 10:54 AM. That’s usually the time the morning coffee supply at work runs out.

A study says the average American utters their first swear word of the day at 10:54 AM. That’s usually right about the time the boss finally makes it into the office.

A study says the average American utters their first swear word of the day at 10:54 AM. Have these people never overslept, run out of milk or been stuck in traffic?

A study says Americans waste 150 tons of food a day. Although you sure couldn’t tell by looking.

Mexican immigration agents found 191 Central American migrants jammed into a truck and bus. To which they said “The U.S. border is just a little farther thataway.”

A Michigan couple with no daughters welcomed their 14^th son. They’ve passed having a basketball, baseball and football team so apparently they are waiting for number 15 for hurling.

A Michigan couple with no daughters welcomed their 14^th son. How many times has that poor mom fallen in the toilet because the lid was left up?

A study says the Bajau people of Southeast Asia have developed bigger spleens to help with diving. If nothing else, at least we finally know what spleens are for.

New Cuban President Miguel Diaz-Canel has pledged continuity in office. Which is great news for the people who were afraid he would try to take them out of the poverty, despair and oppression they have become so accustomed to.

A study says as humans learned to hunt, the size of mammals has shrunk. Which ironically led to humans being the only mammals to grow in size once they discovered the post-hunt grilling and beer.

Queen Elizabeth II says she hopes the Commonwealth will “one day” choose Prince Charles as leader. To which he says no thanks to the Queen for still hanging on at 91.

Queen Elizabeth II says she hopes the Commonwealth will “one day” choose Prince Charles as leader. Which will be nice after training for his first job for nearly 70 years to finally get it just in time to retire.

Deutsche Bank reportedly made a payment where they made a $35 Billion error. Which is OK as Wells Fargo showed them how to just write it from a fake account.

An accused Bitcoin thief escaped from a low-security prison in Iceland through a window. If you can escape prison through a window, that should be considered a no-security penitentiary.

An accused Bitcoin thief escaped from a low-security prison in Iceland through a window. Next time the guards will remember to turn on the ADT alarm system.

An accused Bitcoin thief escaped from a low-security prison in Iceland through a window. Apparently they don’t feel they need bars to keep inmates in because once you escape, you are now stuck in Iceland.

Amazon and Microsoft are among the top companies hiring foreign workers. Which automatically also puts them among the top companies hiring any workers.

A report says the average Amazon worker makes $28,446 a year. Which when figured in with Jeff Bezos’ salary of $10 Billion brings it down to more like $1,325.

Burger King cofounder David Edgerton has died at age 90. He credited his longevity to never eating any meals at Burger King.

Burger King cofounder David Edgerton has died at age 90. He is credited with inventing the conveyor belt grill but some people say that claim is a real whopper.

A report says trust in Facebook is down 66% since the recent privacy scandal. The other 34% are men who pray the only people who don’t get their personal information off Facebook are their wives.

Autism doctor Hans Asperger reportedly aided the Nazi regime in World War II. Which means he should from now on be referred to as “Ass Burger.”

A study says junk food advertising is highest on TV when kids are usually watching. Which pretty much narrows that down to 24/7.

A study says junk food advertising is highest on TV when kids are usually watching. Which is tough for sponsors to figure out when they are watching TV and not on their iPhone, computer or playing video games.

A study says junk food advertising is highest on TV when kids are usually watching. When adults are watching the commercials are more for Viagra, Tinder and divorce lawyers.

Scientists have developed tattoos to screen for early signs of major diseases. As opposed to traditional tattoos which are just used as an early sign of Hepatitis C.

A Canadian naturopath reportedly gave a 4 year old saliva from a rabid dog for behavioral problems. Well, what could possibly go wrong with that idea?

A Canadian naturopath reportedly gave a 4 year old saliva from a rabid dog for behavioral problems. Which makes the worst job in the world the person who has to go get that saliva.

Experts say “white coat hypertension” when blood pressure rises in the doctor’s office may be a sign of a real problem. They say blood pressure should only go up in the doctor’s office when they give the patient their bill.

A study says Americans each throw out nearly a pound of food every day. Mostly only the items nobody ever eats, like fruits, vegetables and grains.

Lance Armstrong has agreed to pay the Post Office $5 Million of a $100 Million lawsuit over his doping. Apparently the $100 Million figure was the street value.

Lance Armstrong has agreed to pay the Post Office $5 Million of a $100 Million lawsuit over his doping. Officials suspected PEDs were involved when Armstrong used his bicycle to qualify for three NASCAR events.

Lance Armstrong has agreed to pay the Post Office $5 Million of a $100 Million lawsuit over his doping. According to Donald Trump, the only way he could have been into the Post Office for more money is if he had his drugs shipped by Amazon.

Nearly 20,000 high schools are eligible to join a new e-sports league. Remember when jocks were the ones who used Gatorade for something other than washing down a bag of Cheetos?

Nearly 20,000 high schools are eligible to join a new e-sports league. Instead of letterman’s jackets, athletes now get a robe to wear while competing on the couch.

90 year old race car driver Hershel McGriff will race on May 5^th in Tucson. His is the car that will be going 37 mph in the passing lane with the blinker on.

90 year old race car driver Hershel McGriff will race on May 5^th in Tucson. Race officials are optimistic he could finish the race as early as May 8^th.

A poll of NFL agents says the Redskins are the least trusted team. That is, if you believe anything coming from a bunch of NFL agents.

Alex Rodriguez’ cousin was reportedly kidnapped and held for ransom. To which Yankees fans who sat through A-Rod’s ten year, $275 Million contract are saying “tell us about it.”

The Jaguars will become the first NFL team to have a dog park at their stadium. It’s for fans who don’t mind paying $200 to watch their dog pee on a plastic palm tree.

The Jaguars will become the first NFL team to have a dog park at their stadium. The worst part is when the games are so bad other fans come over to watch the dogs.

A report says Florida’s municipal golf courses lost $100 Million in the past five years. Mostly from golfers not teeing off after noon so they can be done in time to make it to the 4:30 Early Bird dinner.

Donald Trump says James Comey threw Andrew McCabe under the bus. Which was welcomed by Trump who could then back the bus over McCabe three or four times.

Donald Trump says human trafficking is “worse than it’s ever been in the history of the world.” Although all those Egyptian slaves that built the Pyramids might have something to say about that.

Donald Trump says human trafficking is “worse than it’s ever been in the history of the world.” The worst part is that it’s giving the U.S. its best chance yet to finally eliminate the trade deficit.

James Comey suggested Donald Trump can’t be trusted with classified information. Which is embarrassing to find out the person that Trump keeps trying to hunt down for all the White House leaks is himself.

A robot was able to assemble an IKEA chair in 20 minutes. Humans can do the same thing in 18 minutes if they don’t mind the finished product ending as a coffee table.

A robot was able to assemble an IKEA chair in 20 minutes. Unlike with humans trying the same task, there were only 25 screws, 14 washers and 12 bolts left over.

A robot was able to assemble an IKEA chair in 20 minutes. The only problem is it refused to even start the task until it was given a helping of Swedish meatballs.

A robot was able to assemble an IKEA chair in 20 minutes. It took a human three years to program the robot for the task, which is exactly the same total time of three years and 20 minutes it takes most people to assemble the same chair.

Lyft is planning to make all its rides carbon neutral. Which means every other rider is going to have to get out and push.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s Friday, but I probably don’t have to be the one to inform you about that. I have another long weekend coming up which is always good for me. Maybe not for you, as even when I am off my “real” job I still continue to crank out the jokes. No one gets a break here. This blog is my therapy and so we all get to go through it together. Mostly because my feeling is I don’t need any medication as long as all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!