Thursday, April 19, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

An American tourist in Bangkok was arrested after going into a rage when his flight was delayed following a golfing holiday. The question being who believes someone who goes from the U.S. to Bangkok to play golf?

A monthly migraine shot reportedly cuts the number of headaches by half. The only problem is they come back triple after getting the injection medical bills.

A warning says green tea extracts could cause liver damage. But usually only when the green tea is mixed with vodka, bourbon or rum.

A trainload of human waste from New York is making an Alabama town smell “like death” according to residents. Which is still better than smelling like Alabama.

A trainload of human waste from New York that residents say is making an Alabama town smell “like death.” There’s a word for trains that smell like death. Amtrak.

A trainload of human waste from New York is making an Alabama town smell “like death” according to residents. The question is why doesn’t New York treat it like all their other sewage and just dump it into the East River?

A man is being sought by police in New York after hitting a girl with a can of Chef Boyardee. The girl was struck before she could even say “Uh, oh! SpaghettiOs!

Experts say people who shower too often can cause health issues. Which is just more good news for all the people in France.

A study says half of all Californians support deportation of immigrants and a ban on Muslim travel. The other half of the state being immigrants and Muslims.

Iran has unveiled a new devastating missile system. Apparently it has something to do with a goat placed inside a giant slingshot.

A German theater is offering a free seat to anyone showing up to a performance of a play about Hitler wearing an armband swastika. Which is the same offer that goes for any stage production that comes to Charlottesville.

California has 8 of the 10 most ozone-polluted cities. The good news is that Bakersfield, Sacramento and Fresno all look much better when they are hidden by a layer of smog.

A study says getting divorced increases the risk of having multiple heart attacks. Especially for men when they see their ex-wife with her new, young rich boyfriend.

A study says getting divorced increases the risk of having multiple heart attacks. Mostly for men when they simultaneously get their alimony and child support bills.

Californians will reportedly pay $12 Billion more in federal income taxes next year. To which Donald Trump is saying “That will teach you to vote for Hillary!”

Californians will reportedly pay $12 Billion more in federal income taxes next year. Mostly from working three jobs to have enough money to live in California.

World debt has reached a record $164 Trillion. Which is basically the U.S. national debt plus the $48.25 that the rest of the world owes.

World debt has reached a record $164 Trillion.. The question is, when we can’t pay it back who gets to foreclose on the planet?

World debt has reached a record $164 Trillion. Since all the countries owe it to each other, why not just cancel it out and start all over at zero?

Eric Holder predicts the Mueller investigation will be a “two year case.” Which means if all goes as planned should wrap up right before the November elections.

The CEO of Time Warner calls antitrust allegations by the government over the merger with AT&T “ridiculous.” Like anyone would want to create a monopoly by actually signing on with Time Warner or AT&T.

An island-wide power blackout has hit Puerto Rico. The good news is at least that means things are back they way they were before Hurricane Maria.

Fake coupons are appearing offering free Starbucks coffee to African Americans. People became suspicious of the offer when they saw Starbucks offering free anything to anyone.

The White House will investigate Scott Pruitt’s $43,000 secure phone booth. Apparently Donald Trump is interested in having one installed for any calls he makes to Michael Cohen.

A report says Cuba’s likely new leader Miguel Diaz-Canel is facing economic and diplomatic challenges. In other words, nothing has changed over the past 60 years.

Outrage is building in Germany after a rap album with anti-Semitic lyrics won an award. Which the U.S. takes pride that our rap albums just stick with lyrics about slapping ho’s, popping caps and scoring some crack.

Airlines are inspecting their Boeing 737 engines after a fatal Southwest explosion. To which Southwest is saying “Wait, you’re supposed to inspect them?”

Big companies including Amazon, B of A and Wells Fargo are ordering recruiters to not ask job candidates about their previous salary. Mostly because it doesn’t matter since they are only offering to pay all their workers minimum wage.

Automakers and oil companies are looking to make one grade of 95 octane gasoline for all cars. The idea would add to fuel economy, make for better performance and add a 50 cent markup to the price of each gallon.

The ex-head of the Hungarian swimming federation denies having a rival murdered in 1998. Apparently he ordered his rival into the pool despite knowing as head of the Hungarian swimming federation that Hungarians can’t swim.

The NRA is lashing out at Dick’s Sporting Goods for destroying unsold firearms. They claim the store is hurting the economy by taking away all that potential business for the hospitals and morgues.

Starbucks has dropped to its lowest consumer perception level since 2015. The lesson being it’s OK to gouge prices but just make sure to stay away from the racism.

California has opened a probe into working conditions at Tesla. Although the only workers at risk are those test-driving a Tesla using Autopilot.

Apple’s “do not disturb while driving” feature is reportedly getting people to put down their phones behind the wheel. Now if the same do not disturb parameters could only be applied to the kids in the back seat.

Chipotle may start offering breakfast burritos. It’s for people who want to get violently ill but don’t have time to wait until lunch.

United Airlines has put to rest fears of starting a fare war. Apparently they dropped the idea when they realized it would mean having to actually lower their prices.

A study says married people are less likely to die from melanoma. Mostly because they don’t usually get out in the sun much after having to sneak back into the bedroom at 3:00 in the morning.

A study says using pot may not dull teenagers’ brains. The only question being how would you be able to tell in the first place?

The EPA says reports of bulletproof tires and seat covers for Scott Pruitt are not true. However, he could use a pair of bullet proof shoes to protect himself from all the times he has been shooting himself in the foot.

Mitch McConnell is looking at a longer Senate workweek to keep Democrats from being able to campaign. Although Senators on both sides of the aisle are protesting the inhumane conditions of being in the office more than 20 hours a week.

Mitch McConnell is looking at a longer Senate workweek to keep Democrats from being able to campaign. You know the Republicans are scared of the upcoming election when they are resorting to actually threatening to do more work.

Michael Phelps says he thought about killing himself after the 2012 Olympics. The only problem is that every time he jumped into the pool to try to drown himself he came out with another gold medal.

James Comey says Donald Trump tweets about him like the breakup he can’t get over. That’s good news for Comey in that it usually ends up with a $130,000 payoff.

Rob Gronkowski has bought a stake in his namesake, Derby horse “Gronk.” Which using that criteria, Tom Brady could buy into the back half of any horse.

Several shark attacks caused the cancellation of a surfing event in Australia. Which must make golfers and baseball players feel like wimps when they are postponed by just a little rain.

Several shark attacks caused the cancellation of a surfing event in Australia. Apparently it’s just a bit much when the competitors become the concessions.

The NCAA has approved alcohol sales at championship events. As opposed to most fraternities which only consider an event a championship if it involves beer pong.

The NCAA has approved alcohol sales at championship events. Which is the reason most college graduates know NCAA as “Need to Commit to Alcoholics Anonymous.”

46,000 fans showed up to a free Oakland A’s game. Which is sad knowing the only way they will ever reach 65,000 stadium capacity is by paying people to show up.

Cubs’ first baseman Anthony Rizzo says he will take a pay cut for a shorter season. Which is a noble move to offer to somehow only get by on $4.8 Million a year instead of his current salary of $5 Million.

A new book says Rodney Dangerfield was only paid $35,000 to star in “Caddyshack.” Which means he wasn’t acting when he said the line “Double or nothing!”

Tennis player Jared Donaldson was fined $6,200 for ranting at an umpire. To which John McEnroe who was once fined $7,500 in 1984 dollars and lost his honorary membership at Wimbledon is saying “Amateur!”

The Senate has voted to allow babies on the floor because of new mom Tammy Duckworth. Although that has always been the rule, especially for anyone who has been there during budget negotiations.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog today. I appreciate all my readers and would be even more indebted if you would tell your friends to take a look once in awhile as well. I hate to crash the Internet with so many people on the site but that is just a risk I am willing to take. Hey, the IRS crashed their website this week so why not give me the same opportunity. And I am willing to bet I am even more popular at times than the IRS. And I never feel more popular than when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!

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