Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! from the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Starbucks will close 8,000 company owned stores May 29th for racial bias training. Thousands of other businesses will also close after 10 Million people don’t show up to work without their daily caffeine fix.

James Comey on his ABC interview says he has never heard Donald Trump laugh. Mostly because he has never sat down with Trump to watch “Titanic,” “The Towering Inferno” or “Armageddon.”

A study says 95% of the world’s population breathes in dangerous air. Mostly because the other 5% live far enough away from the 95% who drive all the cars and work at the factories that cause all the pollution.

A study says 95% of the world’s population breathes in dangerous air. Which means only 5% of the people on the planet live nowhere close to a Taco Bell.

Washington, D.C. may allow 16 year olds to vote in the next presidential election. Which could backfire when they end up voting against the members of Congress who sent them obscene texts or groped them.

Passengers on a Southwest Airlines flight vomited, screamed and texted final goodbyes on a flight trying to land in a thunderstorm. Mostly because the pilots were trying to land right after Happy Hour and said “It seemed smooth to us!”

Passengers on a Southwest Airlines flight vomited, screamed and texted final goodbyes on a flight trying to land in a thunderstorm. They said the only other time they were that terrified was being told to change seats on a United flight.

Rapper Kendrick Lamar won the Pulitzer Prize for music. The only other times rap has won a Pulitzer was for newspaper coverage of rap concert shootings.

Syria says a false alarm set off air defenses. Mostly because what are the odds of any alarm going off in Syria not being for real?

Apple says it will launch a news subscription service. Mostly to handle all the recent negative press over the exploits of Facebook, Google and Microsoft.

A lawyer says drug lord El Chapo’s mental health is deteriorating in prison. The question is, how can they tell?

Donald Trump has filed an extension on his 2017 U.S. tax return. Won’t it be nice next year when he can fill it out on a postcard and finally show it to everyone?

Donald Trump has filed an extension on his 2017 U.S. tax return. He will show it to the American public right after he finally finishes all those other returns from 1974 through 2016.

A study says global warming is causing animals to vary their eating times. Especially elderly humans who are dealing with it still being too hot in the afternoon to get out in time for the 4:30 Early Bird dinner.

Turkey is extending its state of emergency for the seventh time. Which is not to be confused with the turkeys in America who extend their state of emergency every year just past Thanksgiving.

A legal fight is escalating over Aaron Sorkin’s stage adaptation of “To Kill a Mockingbird.” So it isn’t only Donald Trump who has legal issues from tweeting.

A legal fight is escalating over Aaron Sorkin’s stage adaptation of “To Kill a Mockingbird.” Just wait until the planned follow-up musical version called “To Kill a Hummingbird.”

Lyft is offering a $4.20 rebate on Weed Day 4/20 so people don’t drive while stoned. Which may be unnecessary as the only cars on the road that day will be delivering pizzas for Domino’s.

A researcher at the University of Texas says people should prepare for climate change like they would for war. Which having Donald Trump in the White House will make easier since both scenarios are pretty much inevitable.

Anheuser-Busch says it will make its entire beverage line green. Which is different than the green that most people turn after drinking too much Budweiser.

Lyft drivers have reached $500 Million in tips. Mostly from passengers who are just relieved to be able to use a ride sharing service without the fear of former Uber CEO Travis Kalanick showing up to punch them out.

A poll says a slim majority of Americans say the U.S. middle class pays its fair share of taxes. Which is good news for the three people in the U.S. still qualifying as middle class.

A study says moms who have depression early are more likely to have children with lower IQs. Which helps their depression knowing they at least don’t have to worry about saving any money for a college fund.

In a medical first. A French doctor has performed the second face transplant on the same patient. Apparently the first time someone played a gag and replaced the transplant face with a Donald Trump mask.

A French doctor has performed a second face transplant on the same patient. If nothing else, having two faces will open the doors for a career in politics.

Experts say Vitamin D doesn’t prevent seniors from falling. Especially when they wash down the vitamins with two bottles of wine.

Experts say seniors should exercise to prevent falling. The only problem is the number one cause of falls in seniors is when they actually try to exercise.

The University of Maryland virus institute is leading a $100 Million effort to track HIV programs in Nigeria. Not only that, the prince they gave the money to says he will return it doubled right after his brother is released from prison.

Several baboons brake out of a research center in San Antonio. The worst part is they were researching on how to keep a bunch of baboons locked up.

A study says a report on the maternal death rate in Texas was overinflated. The mistake was blamed on human error, inaccurate data and that everything is just bigger in Texas.

Billionaire banking heir Matthew Mellon has died at a drug rehab center in Mexico. A drug rehab in Mexico is like holding AA meetings in the Jack Daniels distillery.

Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo wants the MLB schedule shortened. He should ask to be traded to Cleveland where after 40 games they are pretty much mathematically eliminated.

Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo wants the MLB schedule shortened. How rough can it be at a position where you only take 10 throws and bat four times a game?

The Nationals’ Bryce Harper hit a 406 foot home run with a broken bat. Even more amazing was that he broke the pat two games ago.

The Nationals’ Bryce Harper hit a 406 foot home run with a broken bat. Which shows he isn’t doing PEDs because in the steroid era, a ball hit with a broken bat would have traveled at least 420 feet.

Jack Nicklaus says he had to caution against a let down the years he didn’t win the Masters. It’s so sad to think what might have been with his career if he didn’t win the green jacket only six times.

Wake Forest center Doral Moore says he will skip his senior year to turn pro. Which instead of “one and done” makes a new class of player, the “three and free.”

A reports says Brett Favre flopped on an audition to announce for “Monday Night Football.” Apparently he kept running down on the field asking the coaches for both teams to put him in the game.

Steph Curry’s wife is starting her own label of wine. Which is not to be confused with the LeBron James’ who for years has been labeled as a whiner.

Tom Brady’s helmet is one of ten models scrapped by the NFL. After Brett Favre admitted to having a thousand concussions, the league might also look into banning ones like that made from papier mache.

Stormy Daniels released a sketch of the man she says threatened her life, which some people say looks like Tom Brady. Especially since he was wearing a helmet and a New England jersey with the number 12.

The Oakland A’s expect a full house of 65,000 at a free game this week. The sad part is the paid attendance will be exactly the same as all their other home games.

The Oakland A’s expect a full house of 65,000 at a free game this week. Although fans can still expect with parking, food and souvenirs to drop at least another $150.

The Oakland A’s expect a full house of 65,000 at a free game this week. It’s the only way the team has figured out to deal with angry fans who keep asking for refunds.

The Cleveland Indians donated $37,000 for hurricane relieve in Puerto Rico. That generous response means to get back to normal, the island only needs another $39,999,963,000.

Two Australian golfers were injured after their partner became drunk and angry and attacked them with a knife. And most people think it’s rude when one of their foursome uses their cellphone during the round.

Two Australian golfers were injured after their partner became drunk and angry and attacked them with a knife. That’s the last time they ask how to hit a cut shot.

Two Australian golfers were injured after their partner became drunk and angry and attacked them with a knife. Someone finally got what they had coming for yelling “You da man!” during a backswing.

The IRS website crashed in the middle of tax day. They are extending the deadline another day, which is good news for the three people who made enough income to actually still have to pay taxes.

The IRS website crashed in the middle of tax day. The good news is next year the agency will budget enough money to replace their 1977 model TRS-80 computer.

A report says Sean Hannity used two other Trump-connected attorneys as well as Michael Cohen, but says he only “handed Cohen ten bucks.” Which is fine for anyone who believes he could get two more lawyers on board with that kind of billing.

A report says Sean Hannity used two other Trump-connected attorneys as well as Michael Cohen, but says he only “handed Cohen ten bucks.” Handed him ten bucks? What for, to validate his parking sticker?

Donald Trump says members of his administration are already talking to North Korea at “extremely high levels.” What does that mean, they are sitting around screaming at each other?

A poll says guns have fallen from a record high as the nation’s top problem. Mostly because a bigger problem now is the fear of being shot by someone with a gun.

Dick’s sporting goods is destroying all the guns they pulled from their shelves. Which makes that the only item in a sporting goods store ever to be willfully smashed to pieces that wasn’t a golf club.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the world of politics with the passing of Barbara Bush. Even though I wasn’t a big fan of her husband, and much less so for her son she handled her duties of First Lady and presidential mother with grace and class. She didn’t like the limelight and was not into being glamorous, letting her hair stay gray and never reaching out to fashion much other than wearing her strands of pearls. It was also classy how she went out, saying she didn’t want her life prolonged artificially and just asked to be made comfortable her last days. She led a good, long life and made it all the way to 92. Of course many more of us not have the opportunity to live that long thanks to the Republicans’ attempts to dismantle the healthcare system in this country. But I will save that for another rant. Give your thoughts to “Babs” today and of course make sure as usual to remember to always keep on sending the love!



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

A researcher at the University of Texas says people should prepare for climate change like they would for war. Idiots like this are the same ones that said we’ll be in a ice age by 2000, global cooling will cause a world war by 2000, global warming and rising seas will wipe entire nations off the map by 2000. In 1990 they said we have 5 to 10 years to save the rain forests, and the Himalayan glaciers will be gone in 10 years. Other predictions include global warming will cause fewer hurricanes. Global warming will cause more hurricanes, and the arctic will be ice free by 2013. In June, 2008, ABC’s Good Morning America said that by 2015, NYC will be underwater, a gallon of milk will cost $12.99 and a gallon of gas will cost $9.00...all due to man made climate change. Over 40 years of predictions and not one of them have come true, but these climate chicken littles persist and expect people to believe them. They are worse than the nut cases who claim the earth will end next Monday.

As to your comment about the republicans dismantling the healthcare system, I seem to recall the democrats did that and came up with something called the “Affordable care act” AKA Obamacare. As we have seen, some people got insurance but many more lost their good policies (some paid for by employers), Some lost their insurance, all saw rate increases, and many doctors either retired or closed their private practices and joined medical groups. The bottom line is that the healthcare system that people from all over the world came to because it was so good ceased to exist. Even left wing liberals understand the Obama joke phrase, “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor”. Because it became obvious to everyone that was a lie and Obamacare was a downgrade. The republicans are just trying to minimize the pain and repair some of the damage.