Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


The Catholic Church is offering a course in exorcism by cellphone if necessary. The only problem then is helping the possessed get rid of the demons of Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

An app plays songs based on the rhythm of users’ movements during sex. The worst part is when the app plays only selections from the Minute Men.

Canada is considering decriminalizing all illicit drugs. Which they are finding out is pretty much the only way to get most people to make it through Canadian winters.

Canada is considering decriminalizing all illicit drugs. The only problem is that the last time they did that, all it accomplished was getting Randy Quaid to move there.

Vladimir Putin warns of “global chaos” if the West strikes Syria again. And who would know better about global chaos than the man who got Donald Trump elected?

The Pentagon wants to spot illnesses by monitoring soldiers’ cellphones. Mostly by checking their GPS systems to see the ones eating all their meals at McDonald’s.

A report says 22 U.S. states are going through a housing shortage. Or it could be just seen that they instead have a surplus of people.

A report says 22 U.S. states are going through a housing shortage. There are plenty of homes, it’s just more of a shortage of people who can afford to buy or rent one with a minimum wage job.

A report says 22 U.S. states are going through a housing shortage. The other 28 states don’t need any new homes as most Millennials are still good with living in their parents’ basements.

A suicide machine was unveiled at an Amsterdam funeral show. The machine comes with a detachable coffin, which is a bonus as usually the packaging costs extra.

A suicide machine was unveiled at an Amsterdam funeral show. Which is a perfect location as couples on a really bad date can do it together and go Dutch treat.

A suicide machine was unveiled at an Amsterdam funeral show. Which is a great idea for anyone visiting Amsterdam and realizing the best thing they could find to do is go to a funeral show.

Starbucks is being protested after two African-American men were arrested for just sitting inside a store. The worst part was three people were arrested when they ordered coffee and said “I’ll take it black.”

The CEO of Starbucks is calling for “unconscious bias” training. Which will confuse everyone right after we finally got used to the phrase “Conscious uncoupling.”

A prison riot in South Carolina left several inmates dead. Which if the victims were on death row means the penitentiary system just cut out the middleman.

Michael Cohen says he just gave legal advice to three people this year. Any more than that and he would have gone broke paying off everyone’s hush money.

Michael Cohen says he just gave legal advice to three people this year, Donald Trump and Elliot Broidy who both paid women hush money, and Sean Hannity. Which means Hannity better hope that Cohen also handles divorce proceedings.

Donald Trump slammed Russia and China for devaluing their currencies. To which the leaders of both countries are saying “Have you checked out the dollar lately?”

Donald Trump slammed Russia and China for devaluing their currencies. He says they should be like whatever country it is whose national currency is the Bitcoin.

Hundreds of Sun Country Airlines fliers from Minnesota were stranded in Mexico after blizzard conditions canceled flights and the airline ended seasonal travel there. To which most Minnesotans said “Just come get us in June.”

NASCAR driver Bubba Wallace was trapped on a bus and had to escape through the toilet hatch. He had no idea he would be driving this week for NASTYCAR.

NASCAR driver Bubba Wallace was trapped on a bus and had to escape through the toilet hatch. Which probably wasn’t the first time for anyone known as “Bubba.”

NASCAR driver Bubba Wallace was trapped on a bus and had to escape through the toilet hatch. His became the first pit crew to officially employ a plumber.

A report says 40% of U.S. colleges put students on a wait list. Which are mostly the ones who aren’t able to come up with enough cash to pay their tuition fees up front.

Credit Karma missed its revenue goals for 2017 by14%. The good news is they can use their own service for free to see how much it hurt their credit score.

Credit Karma missed its revenue goals for 2017 by14%. Which is ironic for a company with “Karma” in its name to find out revolving credit means what goes around comes around.

A British chain of 900 pubs has closed all the company’s social media accounts. Mostly because who needs social media when people can get the same results going to a pub to get drunk and mouth off?

A report says households in Silicon Valley need a six figure income to make it into the top 50% of wage earners. That money is enough to either buy the worst house in town or the best tent in the homeless park.

“Ready Player One” has driven Steven Spielberg past $10 Billion in lifetime box office earnings. It’s just a good thing he was pushed over the top with that $47.50 he made from “1941.”

A poll says fewer than half of Americans feel their taxes are too high. Mostly because the other half is finding out the advantages of having such a low tax rate from working at a minimum wage job.

The GAO says EPA chief Scott Pruitt’s spending $43,000 on a soundproof phone booth may have broken the law. Couldn’t he have just spoken a little more softly?

206 Million eggs were recalled over fears of salmonella. Which if nothing else saved a lot of money in clean up costs from everyone in Justin Bieber’s neighborhood.

Donald Trump is pushing for expanding the use of medications to treat addictions. Isn’t that what pretty how those addictions started in the first place?

Huey Lewis has canceled his upcoming concerts because of hearing loss. Which is ironic as Huey Lewis and the News is the one group most parents never had to tell their kids to turn down or they would go deaf.

A report says the SEC Commissioner discouraged Alabama and other schools from hiring football coach Hugh Freeze. Apparently they got around it by just declaring a conference-wide hiring freeze.

The NFL is prohibiting the use of certain helmets for the first time. Mostly the ones that contribute to poor quality of play, like the ones worn by the Cleveland Browns.

44 year old Bartolo Colon took a perfect game into the 8th inning against Houston. He didn’t mind losing it as he was due to come out soon anyway because of pitch count and having to make it in time for the Early Bird special.

44 year old Bartolo Colon took a perfect game into the 8th inning against Houston. He is 285 pounds and still pitching in the Majors. When they talk about his work on the mound, they mean his midsection.

Venus and Serena Williams have joined with Billie Jean King to push for equal pay. To which most men say they would love equal pay if it meant they made as much as Venus and Serena.

Eliot Spitzer says Donald Trump is a “stain” on the presidency. Which is ironic in that he wouldn’t have had to resign as Governor of New York if he didn’t get caught in a hotel room leaving a few stains of his own.

The Senate is expected to approve a resolution allowing Tammy Duckworth to bring her newborn son on the floor. He should feel right at home being in an environment that has pretty much become one giant sandbox.

Donald Trump has directed the EPA to ease air quality rules he says are suffocating industry. Which will make out air quality like it was back in the 1960s when it was just suffocating all the people.

Donald Trump gave a speech where he proclaimed “Our country is starting to rock!” The only problem is didn’t the same thing happen to the Titanic right before it sank?

Kellyanne Conway says James Comey is “all about him” and that he “wants to be the center of power.” Otherwise known as everyone working in Washington, D.C.

James Comey says he trusts the American public to overcome the Trump presidency. Although it’s hard to say why as they are the same ones who put him there in the first place.

James Comey says he trusts the American public to overcome the Trump presidency. Although he is seeming to forget his reopening of the Hillary Clinton e-mail investigation is the reason Trump is there in the first place.

A report says Amazon employees skip their bathroom breaks in order to keep from being fired. Apparently that is one place where there is no sitting down on the job.

A report says 55% of Amazon workers say they have suffered depression since they started working there. The other 45% became depressed when they realized they were at the point where they were filling out a job application for Amazon.

A report says 2.6 Billion data records were compromised last year. Which is good news for Mark Zuckerberg in there are that many people using Facebook.

Facebook revealed it spent $20 Million on security for Mark Zuckerberg in 2015. Which shows he must be paranoid to have 2 Billion friends and be worried they are all out to get him.

Facebook revealed it spent $20 Million on security for Mark Zuckerberg in 2015. He is worried that after getting wedgies every day in high school, just think how many he will get being in his 30s and still wearing jeans, a t-shirt and hoodie.

T-Mobile was fined $40 Million for playing ring noises on calls that didn’t go through. Even worse was after that playing a recording of a parrot saying “Hello!”

Sean Hannity says the interview of James Comey on ABC was the “worst he has ever seen.” The only question is how do you even watch TV when your nose is implanted so far up the backside of Donald Trump?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Here it is April 17th and I am looking out the window at snow. Ugh. Is everyone sure it still isn’t April 1st? I am tired of cold weather. Which can be translated into “I am officially getting old.” It’s really bad when I start making plans to move to Florida while yelling at the kids outside to get off my lawn. I have always acted old anyway. I am pretty set in my ways. Like when I  feel the best when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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