Sunday, April 15, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A Connecticut man killed his wife who it turned was also his daughter. Or as that is called in Alabama, “Family Feud.”

A Connecticut man killed his wife who it turned was also his daughter when she tried to break up with him. Imagine how weird it must have been writing a “Dear John-Dad” letter.

A Connecticut man killed his wife who it turned was also his daughter when she tried to break up with him. Apparently he was upset about losing his status of being his own father-in-law.

James Comey called the Trump Administration a “Kakistocracy,” or government where the worst persons are in power. Or as most Americans call that, “work.”

James Comey called the Trump Administration a “Kakistocracy,” or government where the worst persons are in power. Which is not to be confused with “Khakis-tocracy” where the power is held by Steve Bannon who wears only khakis.

A report says spy cameras may soon know what people are thinking and feeling. Possibly that they hate always being spied on.

New technology can detect when people are using cellphones while driving. The first clue they are using a phone is that they are behind the wheel of a moving car.

A handful of Democratic mayors around the country are seeking the presidential nomination in 2020. Mostly because the party knows the less the entire country knows about a candidate, the easier it is to elect them.

Horror movies have become the most in-demand Hollywood genre as they are cheap and easy to make. Although it’s even cheaper and easier to get the same effect by just turning on any of the 24 hour cable news channels.

A bill banning sex with animals has passed in Louisiana. Which means people there have to spend Saturday date-night driving all the way to Mississippi or Arkansas.

A bill banning sex with animals has passed in Louisiana. The scary part is that they felt there is a need to put a law on the books that bans having sex with animals.

A tourist in Manhattan was robbed at knife-point of their “Make America Great Again” hat. It’s just too bad that Donald Trump’s policies haven’t improved the economy to the point where the robber could have just bought their own.

Donald Trump pardoned former Dick Cheney adviser Scooter Libby. Confused people are now asking which porn star was Libby accused paying hush money to?

Will Ferrell was taken to the hospital following an SUV crash. Which fans were hoping was just a publicity lead-in to the announcement of “Talladega Nights 2.”

A study says sitting at a desk all day may damage the brain. If that’s the case, you really may be sitting entirely all wrong.

A study says sitting at a desk all day may damage the brain. If that’s the case, maybe it’s true where people are telling you your brain is.

Analysts say oil could go up to $100 a barrel if Middle East tensions “really kick off.” What does it take to show Middle East tension really kicking off, a mushroom cloud?

A German doctor is charged with killing his lover by sprinkling cocaine on himself before having her perform oral sex. Which gives a whole new meaning to “blow job.”

A German doctor is charged with killing his lover by sprinkling cocaine on himself before having her perform oral sex. That gives a whole new meaning to “coke head.”

The FDA has banned bulk sales of caffeine directly to consumers. Which pretty much wipes out the business model of every Starbucks in the country.

A report says Facebook spent $9 Million on security and personal travel for Mark Zuckerberg last year. Who does he think he is, a member of the Trump Cabinet?

Egypt has extended its state of emergency for another three months. Which means it will then have been in effect for 5,000 years and three months.

A woman declined to sing the National Anthem at a minor league baseball game in Nevada because she couldn’t bring her gun. Apparently they got her name off the wrong list of Sopranos.

A woman declined to sing the National Anthem at a minor league baseball game in Nevada because she couldn’t wear her gun. They should have realized there was a problem when she said she sang in the key of “G for Glock.”

A court struck down a Maryland law barring generic drug companies from price gouging. Apparently the major pharmaceutical companies have patented that, too.

A court struck down a Maryland law barring generic drug companies from price gouging. Apparently they were looking for under-the-counter payments even on over-the-counter drugs.

A court struck down a Maryland law barring generic drug companies from price gouging. The good news is they can still gouge, but only for the same ordinary amount each time.

Experts say urgent cures are needed for Bay Area housing and traffic problems. Mostly stemming from the fact that if people could afford a place to live, they wouldn’t have to spend the whole day driving their cars around town.

Facebook says recent scandals won’t hurt their business. Mostly because their users are too busy looking at cat videos and what their friends are eating for breakfast to actually ever read any news.

The CDC says a recent outbreak of E. coli has been traced to romaine lettuce. Which is bad news for the three Americans who actually ever eat romaine lettuce.

A study says fish oil capsules don’t help people with dry eye symptoms. Mostly because it turns out fish don’t have problems with dry eyes because they are always submerged in water.

A study says the act of forgetting enables the brain to collect new information and make smarter decisions. Except when people can’t remember why they keep voting for the same members of Congress.

An international study says there are no health benefits from moderate drinking. Which is great news for people who now have no incentive to cut back from their heavy drinking.

An international study says there are no health benefits from moderate drinking.  “Moderate” meaning anyone who can’t keep up with the Irish.

An international study says there are no health benefits from moderate drinking. Which is fine because health is the last reason why anyone drinks in the first place.

An international study says there are no health benefits from moderate drinking. Which just means people can’t toast anymore saying “To your health!”

A study says yoga can sooth anxious grade schoolers. Except when their anxiety stems from getting wedgies because they come to school wearing yoga pants.

A study says fewer U.S. kids are getting cavities. Mostly because they are eating so much sugar their teeth are just falling out before they even get the chance to rot. 

Shia LeBeouf admits in an interview he is not well endowed. In fact, he gave up a career in the adult film industry when they dubbed his privates “Little Oscar.”

A trial has begun in a civil suit where a British man was injured during a performance by David Copperfield. The magician’s defense is that the plaintiff’s injuries are all an illusion.

Huey Lewis says he can’t sing anymore as he has lost most of his hearing from Meniere’s Disease. Lewis has gone through unsuccessful treatments and keeps telling his doctors he wants a new drug.

Huey Lewis says he can’t sing anymore as he has lost most of his hearing from Meniere’s Disease. To which everyone who has ever been dragged to a Justin Bieber concert is asking, “How do we get that?”

Oakland catcher Bruce Maxwell who knelt during the National Anthem has been arrested on gun charges. Apparently the only time he believes in staying on his feet is when it comes to “stand your ground.”

Oakland catcher Bruce Maxwell who knelt during the National Anthem has been arrested on gun charges. He reportedly pointed a gun at a food delivery woman. Apparently he takes that 30 minute guarantee a little too seriously.

Derek Jeter says he won’t show up at Yankee Stadium with the Marlins because it would feel “awkward.” Mostly because it has to feel awkward going anywhere and admitting you left the Yankees to be with the Marlins.

Quarterback Mark Sanchez has been suspended four games for what he claims was an “accidental exposure” to PEDs. How was he to know that needle he mistakenly sat on was full of steroids?

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says he wants to prevent tanking with discussions of the product teams like the Grizzlies, Suns and Magic are “putting on the floor.” It turns out the only thing those teams are good at putting on the floor is some floppers.

Following the missile strikes on Syria, Donald Trump tweeted “Mission Accomplished!” Until he found out the one missile that didn’t deploy was the one aimed at Robert Mueller’s office.

Following the missile strikes on Syria, Donald Trump tweeted “Mission Accomplished!” To which George W. Bush says “That’s your catch phrase now!”

Commencement speakers at major colleges this year include Hillary Clinton, Al Gore and Jimmy Carter. Which is better than the last speeches any of them gave which were all to concede.

The Trump Administration is worried the opioid crisis could get worse. Especially because of all the people who take painkillers to get through his policies on the economy, jobs, immigration, the environment, healthcare…

Following the missile strikes on Syria, the Pentagon announced there was a “2000% increase in Russian trolls in the last 24 hours. Most Americans were surprised at the news. Is it time already for another election?

Trey Gowdy says the new James Comey book is “Beneath the dignity of the FBI.” Meaning it would be more in line with Congress, the White House, the EPA, the IRS…

Google has lost a “right to be forgotten” legal battle in the UK. The ruling says if anyone really wants to completely disappear, they just need to become the winner of “American Idol.”

Apple is cracking down on employee leaks to the media, saying 12 people have already been arrested. To which Donald Trump is saying “Why didn’t anyone tell me you can do that?”

Apple is cracking down on employee leaks to the media, saying 12 people have already been arrested. Is it really giving out any information that isn’t already known to say there is a new iPhone coming out every six months?

Researchers say they are teaching Artificial Intelligence to think like dogs to find out what they know about the world. So far it has resulted in is a bunch of robots that keep wanting to go for a ride.

Researchers say they are teaching Artificial Intelligence to think like dogs to find out what they know about the world. The information could then be used to finally explain the behavior of most men.

A menu for the first meal served on the Titanic is up for auction. The creepy part is the salad choices were all for iceberg lettuce.

A menu for the first meal served on the Titanic is up for auction. What it doesn’t say on the menu is that it is also the last meal served on the Titanic.

The arcade game “Donkey Kong” world champ was stripped of his 1981 title for not using an original machine. The worst part is he wasn’t even refunded his quarter.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Donald Trump actually tweeted “Mission Accomplished!” after the missile strike on Syria. It sent me right back to 2003. It’s good to see when world leaders learn from the mistakes of others. And then just go ahead and do them again anyway. I don’t know what to think. And for anyone who doesn’t like to think, this site is perfect. That’s what I do. Take the brain power right out of the equation. My sole purpose here is to get a few laughs, to which I can hopefully say “Mission Accomplished!” D’Oh! And of course, the reward I get is when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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