Friday, April 13, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A report says jobless claims have stayed below 300,000 for the longest time on record. Although the way things are going, that number will skyrocket again with the number of Republicans looking for work after November.

Retiring House Republican Charlie Dent says a “big wave is coming, get off the beach.” Although after the November elections, there will be a lot of incumbent members of Congress who will all be “on the beach.”

Ron Jeremy is under scrutiny by the L.A. County District Attorney for sexual battery. Although the defense claims it is just an excuse for the staff to watch thousands of hours of old porn movies.

Lawmakers ramped up talk of social media regulation during Mark Zuckerberg’s two days of congressional testimony. He was so frazzled, he went back to his California mansion to spend some quality time counting his $64 Billion fortune.

Mark Zuckerberg admits collecting data on Facebook’s non-users. Which is no big deal since the only people not on Facebook are either over 80 or under 13.

Mark Zuckerberg admits collecting data on Facebook’s non-users. People were surprised. Just who are these three people who aren’t on Facebook?

Estonia is offering free genetic testing as part of a national experiment. Mostly to find out why Estonians are so genetically inferior to other Europeans.

Uber says it will start annual criminal checks of its drivers. The way to tell someone has a criminal past is usually in the fact they want to start driving for Uber.

A Georgia woman reportedly pulled a gun during a brawl at a Chick-fil-A drive through. What, for some reason were all the McDonald’s closed?

A Georgia woman reportedly pulled a gun during a brawl at a Chick-fil-A drive through. Apparently it was just a practice run for her kid’s birthday party next month at Chuck E. Cheese’s.

A Taylor Swift fan says he robbed a bank to impress her. It was the biggest case of robbery associated with Taylor Swift other than anyone buying her albums.

A Taylor Swift fan says he robbed a bank to impress her. The guy needs to look back and see how well that idea worked out for John Hinckley with Jodie Foster.

A green haired turtle that breathes through its genitals has been added to the endangered species list. Which means the Wildlife Service will now be in charge of all security at any events featuring Katy Perry.

Elton John says he wishes people would write “better songs.” This coming from the man who penned the tune titled “Jamaica Jerk Off.”

NASA is sending human sperm into space for the first time. Although the religious right is protesting the move to make sure it isn’t sent to Uranus. (It’s old, it’s juvenile, it’s predictable…but still always funny!)

NASA is sending human sperm into space for the first time. The new slogan for the proposed mission is “Yes, that is a rocket in our pocket.”

Jimmy Carter is telling Donald Trump to keep the country at peace and to shun military action. Although most Americans say that with Trump in charge of the military, it’s the peace in every other country they are worried about.

A Russian TV channel told viewers to pack essentials in preparation for World War III. To which most people are saying as long as they have their smartphone to keep them company, they’re good.

A Russian TV channel told viewers to pack essentials in preparation for World War III. To which most Americans are saying “Already done back in November, 2016.”

A study says night owls are at a higher risk for early death. Especially when their wife also becomes one in order to catch them sneaking in at 3:00 in the morning.

A massive power outage hit parts of Puerto Rico this week. The only question is how could anyone even tell?

The NYPD received several calls about a tiger walking around in the city which turned out to be a large raccoon. Mostly because the people knew if they said there was a raccoon walking around, animal control would have never shown up.

The NYPD received several calls about a tiger walking around in the city which turned out to be a large raccoon. Apparently the raccoons have evolved into much larger creatures in order to compete with the rats for discarded pizza slices.

The NYPD received several calls about a tiger walking around in the city which turned out to be a large raccoon. The raccoons have to be large these days in New York in order to fight off all the alligators living in the sewers.

Russia has advanced a bill banning websites that are deemed defamatory. Which in this country would pretty much just leave dating, shopping and porn sites.

Senators urged Secretary of State Mike Pompeo to avoid Donald Trump’s “worst instincts. Which ironically so far is mostly his choices of officers for his Cabinet.

Volkswagen has replaced CEO Matthias Mueller. To which Donald Trump is saying if VW can fire their Mueller, why can’t he do the same with his?

A McDonald’s worker in Kentucky may have spread Hepatitis A to customers. Which victims are saying they still feel better than if the worker instead served them food.

Publishers say they are worried about the price of newsprint under proposed new tariffs. Which is just going to be passed along to the three people still buying daily newspapers.

Publishers say they are worried about the price of newsprint under proposed new tariffs. Which is great news for Donald Trump who knows that’s the one way he can keep newspapers from writing negative articles about it.

 Hurricanes Harvey. Irma, Maria and Nate were so destructive, their names are being retired by the World Meteorological Organization. If that policy could carry over into politics, that means there will never be another U.S. President “Donald.”

A report says EPA chief Scott Pruitt uses three secret e-mail accounts for his office. The worst part is that they all go through Hillary Clinton’s personal server.

A report says EPA chief Scott Pruitt uses three secret e-mail accounts for his office. To which Democrats are wondering when Donald Trump will lead a rally where he starts the chant “Lock Him Up!”

A fire damaged home in Silicon Valley has been listed for sale as is for $800,000. Which is the literal definition of someone holding a fire sale.

A fire damaged home in San Jose has been listed for sale as is for $800,000. Which is ironic as it’s all the other people paying full price for houses in Silicon Valley who are the ones getting burned.

A poll says most nonretired U.S. investors haven’t calculated their retirement expenses and income. Mostly because they aren’t in a hurry since there is plenty of time before they reach their projected retirement age of 93.

A survey says the food service industry is most likely to have workers who use pot. Which means say goodbye to the concept of ever eating fast food again.

A survey says the food service industry is most likely to have workers who use pot. Mostly those who get jobs at pizzerias so they can just cut out the middleman.

A survey says the food service industry is most likely to have workers who use pot. Which serves as a great example for parents to use on their kids as a reason to never start smoking marijuana.

An Instagram model was left partially blind after undergoing a controversial surgery to change her eye color. Which gives a whole new meaning to being color blind.

“Jersey Shore” fans are upset about a mistake they found in the season premier of the show’s reboot. To which all other viewers found a bigger mistake in wasting their time watching “Jersey Shore.”

Brett Favre says he may have had “thousands of concussions” in his football career. Which works out to about one for each attempt at another comeback.

Brett Favre says he may have had “thousands of concussions” in his football career. Which sounds like something that would be said by someone who is prone to wild exaggeration or has maybe actually had thousands of concussions.

The Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp Double-A baseball team had a higher attendance for a game this week than the Miami Marlins. But the Marlins will be able to compete again once they get their game back up to Double-A standards.

The Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp Double-A baseball team had a higher attendance for a game this week than the Miami Marlins. Although at this point, action-starved fans are probably willing to pay more to watch a women’s slow pitch softball league.

The Yankees and Red Sox broke out into a brawl in the 7th inning of their second meeting of the season. To which fans on both sides are asking “What took so long?”

A former Miami Dolphins cheerleader is alleging discrimination after revealing she was still a virgin. Apparently the Dolphins took action the way they would anyone else who lies on their resume.

A former Miami Dolphins cheerleader is alleging discrimination after revealing she was still a virgin. Apparently they were upset at her waiting for a ring in her 20s while the Dolphins have been holding out hope for a ring since 1974.

The hit-by-pitch rate in baseball is up 17% over last year. And it’s not going to get any better with 16 games still scheduled between the Yankees and Red Sox.

A Chicago 4th grader skipped school to go to a Cubs game where he ran into the school principal. Although it was worth it when the principal screamed “Bueller!”

A Chicago 4th grader skipped school to go to a Cubs game where he ran into the school principal. After that he wrapped up the day by leading a parade and stealing his friend’s dad’s Ferrari.

The Seahawks reportedly postponed an interview with Colin Kaepernick when he wouldn’t assure them he would stand for the National Anthem. Apparently they will force the issue by constantly playing the song at the locker room urinals.

Former tight end Martellus Bennett says “about 89%” of NFL players use pot. Which sounds like exactly the number that would be used to make a point by anyone who just took a bong hit.

Cavalier Tristan Thompson was booed by fans after reports of his cheating on girlfriend Khloe Kardashian. The question is why is he acting so cavalier?

Cavalier Tristan Thompson was booed by fans after reports of his cheating on girlfriend Khloe Kardashian. How bad is it when you are booed for your morals by fans of the Kardashian family?

Cavalier Tristan Thompson was booed by fans after reports of his cheating on girlfriend Khloe Kardashian. Although he was thanked for the diversion from all the other NBA players with six children from five different women.

Cavalier Tristan Thompson was booed by fans after reports of his cheating on girlfriend Khloe Kardashian. You would think from the response he did something really bad, like announce he was leaving for Miami.

Patrick Reed was seen wearing his green jacket from the Masters at a Chick-fil-A. He figured he might as well because the restaurants are only open Monday through Saturday, and that is just one more place he wasn’t allowed to wear his Sunday red.

James Comey’s new book slams “the forest fire that is the Trump presidency.” Which is ironic as the Trump EPA supports forest fires as a way to clear the land to promote real estate development and create more oil fields.

Donald Trump is reportedly planning to pardon former Dick Cheney adviser Scooter Libby. Apparently Trump wants to practice for when he does the same for the criminals currently in his administration when they are eventually caught.

Donald Trump is reportedly planning to pardon former Dick Cheney adviser Scooter Libby. Now it’s up to everyone else to pardon him for being nearly 70 years old and still going by the name “Scooter.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday and the weather is beautiful in West Virginia. Can’t beat that! It has been a very chilly spring here so I am ready to get outside. But don’t worry, I will still find plenty of time at the computer to crank out more jokes after the weekend. It keeps me busy. So I would appreciate it if you would get a little busy and tell your friends and family about the site. Why should you be the only ones who have to suffer? Spread the word. Just like I spread whatever it is that this blog is made of. My weekends can’t get any better when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Funny stuff. Your bias against Trump and Republicans is showing.

"A report says jobless claims have stayed below 300,000 for the longest time on record. Although the way things are going, that number will skyrocket again with the number of Republicans looking for work after November."

With record low unemployment, lower taxes, a better economy and survey after survey saying the American people are happier and more optimistic... why would anyone in their right mind vote against the people who have brought us this prosperity and want to go back to the Obama years? Perhaps you forgot that Obama stated several times that the (poor economy during his administration)was the "new norm" and the American people would have to accept that. Well, as we saw, Trump proved him wrong in his first year. Most American people want what is best for themselves and their country. When the shackles of government are removed, they will be prosperous.

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