Thursday, April 12, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


House Speaker Paul Ryan says he will retire at the end of this term, giving the official reason as wanting to spend more time with his family. In other words, the Speaker ain’t speakin’.

Former FBI Director James Comey gave an interview to ABC where he calls Donald Trump a “mob boss.” It’s just too bad he wasn’t affiliated with some sort of group that had the power to stop someone acting like they were running the Mafia.

Mark Zuckerberg says Facebook will have the tools to remove hate speech in 5-10 years. Meaning Facebook will survive around another 5-10 years.

Mark Zuckerberg says Facebook will have the tools to remove hate speech in 5-10 years. The technology will then put the hate speech on Twitter where it belongs.

Mark Zuckerberg was asked by Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse to define “hate speech.” Which Zuckerberg says is what minorities hear when traveling through Nebraska.

Mark Zuckerberg was asked by Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse to define “hate speech.” Which Zuckerberg responded “Ever heard a dialogue between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton?

L.A. County wants to build guesthouses in backyards for the homeless. Which would be rented out with the money going to the people with a mortgage on the house in the front yard so they don’t end up homeless.

Carl Bernstein says the FBI raid on Michael Cohen was about “scaring the hell out of the President.” If they really wanted to do that, they would threaten to give Melania all the documents they have about Stormy Daniels.

Dozens of dead geese plunged from the sky in Idaho, possibly after being struck by lightning. To which pilot Sully Sullenberger is saying “Back at ya!”

The notorious club drug Ketamine is showing promise as a treatment for depression. Mostly by giving it to people who feel down so they can go out clubbing.

Researchers say older U.S. emergency alert systems may not be secure. To which the people in Hawaii still getting over the fake missile attack warning are saying “Tell us about it!”

Researchers say older U.S. emergency alert systems may not be secure. Although the only alert systems most Americans are worried about is the one around their neck that lets them yell “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

 Lawmakers in South Carolina want to ban energy drinks from teenagers. Which means teens will have to stick with their usual beer, malt liquor and Jack Daniels.

A former Playboy Bunny has become the oldest lingerie model at 83. To which most men are saying it’s fine with them if Victoria just keeps that secret.

A former Playboy Bunny has become the oldest lingerie model at 83. She says it makes her feel sexy to take pictures revealing her bloomers, corset and girdle.

Deputy National Security Adviser Nadia Schadlow has resigned right after the resignation of Homeland Security Adviser Tom Bossert. Mostly because the only advice they were giving Donald Trump was to not appoint John Bolton.

A Russian lawmaker says Donald Trump’s approach to Syria is “scary.” To which most Americans are saying “Well, then why did you elect him?”

A Russian lawmaker says Donald Trump’s approach to Syria is “scary.” To which most Americans are saying they should see his approach to the economy, jobs, the environment, healthcare…

A report says ocean circulation hasn’t been this sluggish in the past 1,000 years. How bad has it gotten when the entire Earth is experience hardening of the arteries?

Robert E. Lee’s boyhood home is on the market for $8.5 Million. Apparently there is a lot of interest from the nostalgia of how close the country is once again to civil war.

Police in England shut down a massive rave planned inside an abandoned Toys R Us store. There would have been hundreds of kids running around unsupervised and wild. What did organizers think it was, Toys R Us?

Donald Trump is no longer an “honorary Cossack,” as the Russian warrior clan has taken back the honor because of his response to Syria. That will teach him to run his foreign policy like he is some kind of Cossack.

An aviation officer fired by United after the passenger dragging incident is suing the airline saying he was never trained to deal with unruly passengers. Which for United would have included instruction on using the billy club, taser and mace.

Mick Mulvaney told Democrats on a House Finance panel he is committed to punishing unscrupulous financial companies. The question being, isn’t “unscrupulous” and “financial companies” redundant?

Mick Mulvaney told Democrats on a House Finance panel he is committed to punishing unscrupulous financial companies. Just like with all those Wall Street executives who are still worried about being called out for crashing the economy.

Bank of America says it will stop lending money to makers of military style firearms. Mostly after their tellers were demanding combat pay after being held up by robbers with military style firearms.

Mark Zuckerberg’s second day of congressional testimony included being asked if Facebook is a monopoly. To which he says only if everything goes as planned.

A report says a historically high number of Americans are “involuntarily part time,” meaning they’re working part time but want to be full time. They’re also involuntary because those part time jobs are usually with McDonald’s 7-Eleven and Wal-Mart.

A bill seeks to ban suggestive comments and behavior in the workplace in Delaware. Although it’s not sure if people are using more bad judgment in harassing coworkers or taking a job in Delaware.

A bill seeks to ban suggestive comments and behavior in the workplace in Delaware. Which is going to be hard to change considering most jobs in Delaware are in fast food, bars or pool halls.

Bernie Madoff’s former New York home is on the market for $21 Million. The problem is like his investments in three years it will be worth $42.50.

Bernie Madoff’s former New York home is on the market for $21 Million. Apparently he feels he doesn’t need to hold onto it as his permanent address has been changed to the Graybar Hotel.
 
United Airlines has dropped its idea for an employee bonus lottery. Now the only lottery they conduct is for which passengers are picked to be thrown off their plane.

Former House Speaker John Boehner will promote the legalization of pot. Like most politicians, his decisions just seem to always zigzag.

John Boehner has taken a job promoting legalized pot. He used to be against marijuana but that was before someone wrote him a check for millions of dollars to do the exact opposite.

Mariah Carey has revealed her battle with bipolar disorder. It’s sad when the person who has an affliction is always the last to find out.

Mariah Carey has revealed her battle with bipolar disorder. The question being does that explain her New Year’s Eve meltdown, 2001 breakdown or making “Glitter”?

A company is using DNA testing to identify people’s ideal wine. Interestingly enough, it turns out all the people on skid row are a perfect match with Ripple.

A company is using DNA testing to identify people’s ideal wine. No one even knew there was a snobby, arrogant and haughty gene.

A study starting school 45 minutes later improves students’ moods. At least until they realize they don’t get out of school until 45 minutes later in the afternoon.

Tristan Thompson was reportedly caught cheating on pregnant girlfriend Khloe Kardashian. Now who could have imagined that kind of behavior from an NBA star?

Tristan Thompson was reportedly caught cheating on pregnant girlfriend Khloe Kardashian. The worst part is he still has an overall rating way higher than her former husband Lamar Odom.

The Oakland A’s are considering using an aerial tram to get people to their hypothetical new ballpark. Mostly just as a way to appeal to fans’ survival instincts by not making them walk on the streets of Oakland.

The Yankees were chosen by Forbes as the most valuable baseball team at $4 Billion. The worst part is that is just for the team’s beer and hot dog concessions.

Purdue basketball player Isaac Haas is being sued for infecting a woman with an STD. Which finally reveals where the term “boilermaker” came from.

32 year old Lakers rookie Andre Ingram is also a math tutor. Which means he can teach the team the formula that 35 wins plus 47 losses equals four months of no games in the offseason.

LeBron James played all 82 games for the first time in his career. As opposed to playing for the Suns where after 25 games they are pretty much eliminated anyway.

The PGA Tour is supporting legalized sports betting. Mostly because they know the amount of money is possible just from getting a cut of the wagering by John Daly and Phil Mickelson.

Bellevue University in Nebraska has a 61 year old freshman on their golf team. In his case, red shirting means his typical golf outfit which includes a bright red untucked Hawaiian shirt.

The U.S. Open tennis tournament will use a 25 second clock between points. Which is going to be tough for Rafael Nadal who takes longer than that to measure how much he has left in his drink containers.

Mark Zuckerberg says social media regulation is “inevitable.” Which hopefully will happen some time before Donald Trump uses Twitter to start World War III.

Mark Zuckerberg says social media regulation is “inevitable.” Which is weird how the Administration wants to control gossip sites but has no problem deregulating companies that are turning the planet into a chemical toilet.

Donald Trump attorney Michael Cohen says he is “not worried” by FBI raids. How much legal trouble are you in when the FBI is not your biggest concern?

Donald Trump says relations between the U.S. and Russia are worse than during the Cold War. The question being does Trump realize they may have gotten that way when he threatened to launch missiles at Russian troops in Syria?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the entertainment world with the passing of Mitzi Shore at age 87. She didn’t have a marquee name but was well known in the world of comedy as the owner of the Comedy Store. I went to the Comedy Store in Hollywood back in the 70s and saw some great acts. It was the stepping stone to the big time for many performers. She was so important in launching the careers of such a big number of stars that she can even be forgiven for inflicting us with her son Pauly. I am actually kidding here. I loved Pauly Shore’s movies (yes, I am the one) because I always went in with no expectations and was never disappointed. They were actually pretty funny. I will never make jokes about Pauly Shore movies when I have such a large catalog of Adam Sandler films to pick from. So thanks to Mitzi for all she did for the world of comedy. And thanks to all of you for remembering to always keep on sending the love!


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