Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


The Department of Justice raided Donald Trump lawyer Michael Cohen’s offices investigating the $130,000 in hush money paid to Stormy Daniels. Well, that was money well spent.

A report says troops sent to he Mexican border are flying drones, gathering information and clearing brush. Should Donald Trump have sent in the National Guard or should he have called for a Boy Scout Jamboree?

A report says troops sent to he Mexican border are flying drones, gathering information and clearing brush. Or as George W. Bush calls that, the greatest vacation ever.

A report says flyers on an airline jet were horrified at a mysterious orange flash seen in a nearby thunderstorm. You would think that adults at some point in their lives would have already seen lightning.

Some professors are complaining college students are more interested in grades than intellectual curiosity. Which is true, mostly because intellectual curiosity is for people who have enough money to not rely on a GPA for scholarship money.

The world’s oldest man at 112 says he likes soaking in hot springs and eating cake. His secret to longevity is eating a slice of birthday cake at least 112 times.

Artificial intelligence is being used to predict the spread of STDs. Mostly by just monitoring activity on Tinder, Zoosk and Match.com.

A Pennsylvania school district is giving teachers small bats to remind them to fight back against shooters. The hope is the teachers can make better use of the bats than the Cleveland Indians.

A truck carrying empty beer kegs fell off an overpass in Pennsylvania. At least they know what happened to all the beer that was in the kegs.

A report says Mikhail Gorbachev fears a confrontation between the U.S. and Russia. When Donald Trump says he wants to make America great again, no one knew he meant it was by taking us back to 1985.

Republicans are warning Donald Trump that firing Robert Mueller would be a “major mistake.” Which would fall somewhere between his usual calculated error and colossal disaster.

Donald Trump homeland security adviser Tom Bossert has resigned. He advised the President on cybersecurity and hurricanes. Which is pretty much the combination Trump has dealt with since the Mueller investigation began.

Actor T.J. Miller was arrested for calling in a fake bomb threat on an Amtrak train. He didn’t realize that a bomb is the least concern of anyone traveling on Amtrak.

L.A. is painting some streets white to offset the effects of climate change. They won’t be painting the 405 Freeway because it’s not like any sunlight ever actually reaches the pavement through all the cars on it that haven’t moved since February.

A poll says most people aren’t surprised Facebook allows companies to access users’ personal information. Mostly because those same people have no problem letting other users they have never met become their “friends.”

The Louisiana Senate will debate repealing the death penalty. Isn’t it enough for inmates to be forced to serve the rest of their lives in prison in Louisiana?

The Louisiana Senate will debate repealing the death penalty. Instead, they will replace it with the cruel and unusual punishment of making inmates watch reruns of “Duck Dynasty.”

A Nigerian man was arrested with $400,000 in counterfeit bills. Apparently someone finally figured out how to mess with all the fake princes sending phony e-mails asking for their cash.

Airbus may offer nap areas in their planes’ cargo holds. Or as Southwest Airlines calls the cargo hold, “First Class.”

Airbus may offer nap areas in their planes’ cargo holds. Which is fine for people who don’t mind using a duffel bag for a pillow and a suit bag for a blanket.

Mark Zuckerberg told a congressional panel “We didn’t do enough” to protect users’ privacy. Which is a translation for admitting they pretty much didn’t do anything.

Senators warned Mark Zuckerberg to not let Facebook become a “privacy nightmare.” When it comes to collecting people’s private information, that’s the government’s job.

Kroger says it will hire 11,000 workers this year and raise wages. Mostly to replace the employees who got better offers to work at Wal-Mart, 7-Eleven and McDonald’s.

A report says the company making Necco wafers could shut down. Mostly from the fact that nobody has actually bought a roll of Necco wafers since 1968.

Sprint and T-Mobile have restarted merger talks. The first round of talks collapsed in November when they tried a conference call using the Sprint network that kept getting dropped.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are not inviting any politicians to their wedding. Mostly because they don’t want to have to explain to everyone about the concept of keeping vows and promises.

Tuesday was Equal Pay Day. That is the day most workers celebrate earning exactly the same amount of money as everyone else making minimum wage.

A study says it’s OK for toddlers to play video games as long as a parent is also playing. It is also important for the parent to have the toddler there to explain to them how to play the game.

Doctors say to beware checking health symptoms online as studies show they are 51% accurate. Which is still slightly better than the doctors who make their final diagnosis with a coin flip.

Doctors say to beware checking health symptoms online as studies show they are 51% accurate. The worst part is when people get a serious diagnosis from Google and they ask for a second opinion on Bing or Yahoo.

Doctors say to beware checking health symptoms online as studies show they are 51% accurate. To which patients say they may be wrong but at least their computer doesn’t soak them for a $40 copay every time they have a question.

Scientists are preparing a new way to define Alzheimer’s disease. They already had it written down but apparently now can’t remember where they put it.

Louisiana is close to lifting a ban on bulletproof backpacks in school. The irony is that backpacks are where most students put the guns bring to school every day.

A report says Facebook “likes” can predict a person’s race, religion and sexual orientation. Mostly by assuming everyone liking a post about Donald Trump being white, straight and Christian, and all the other being something else.

Ronda Rousey says she didn’t sleep for two straight days after winning WrestleMania. Mostly from realizing she has gone from wearing an Olympic medal for Judo to sporting a WWE belt.

Ronda Rousey says she didn’t sleep for two straight days after winning WrestleMania. Mostly from the realization that she traded in all the Judo holds she learned to smacking her opponents on the back with a folding chair.

Arizona minor leaguer Jose Herrera has been suspended for using stimulants. Which he claims he used mostly to prepare for a trip to the Majors and having to be able to stay awake through a five hour game.

A gloomy weather forecast calling for rain caused the University of Wisconsin to cancel its spring football game. How soft are athletes getting when a football game in Wisconsin is called because of weather?

A gloomy weather forecast calling for rain caused the University of Wisconsin to cancel its spring football game. Which is strange because spring in Wisconsin usually means there is only a foot of snow still on the field.

Bill Tavares will stay on as the U.S. luge coach through 2022. How do you coach the luge? Besides telling competitors to hold on tight and go down the hill faster.

Donald Trump paid tribute to the national championship Alabama football team. Although it isn’t sure if Trump paid tribute to them for winning the title or actually making a visit to the White House.

Donald Trump paid tribute to the national championship Alabama football team. Not so much as a tribute to the team but to the state for voting for him in 2016.

Sister Jean from Loyola was honored at Wrigley Field by throwing out the first pitch. Although she rolled the ball to the plate, she proved 98 years can still beat 50 Cent.

Aaron Rogers met with the Dalai Lama on a recent trip to India. Unfortunately, he was dealing with a religious leader who doesn’t recognize the Hail Mary.

Buffalo Bills guard Richie Incognito says he is considering retiring because of health issues. He is also tired of his celebrity status and wants to go more incognito.

The Packers unveiled plans for their 100th season this year. Which will inevitably culminate with one final attempt at a comeback by Brett Favre.

A report says recess is making a comeback at many schools across the country. Mostly as a result of lawmakers realizing they spend most of their time in recess so why not the kids?

Former “Apprentice” contestant Summer Zervos is pursing her defamation case against Donald Trump. Mostly for the embarrassment she will suffer from forever being associated with Donald Trump.

Former “Apprentice” contestant Summer Zervos is pursing her defamation case against Donald Trump. Apparently she is hoping a high-profile lawsuit will give her the notoriety she needs to be contestant on “Celebrity Apprentice.”

Donald Trump’s personal attorney Michael Cohen says FBI agents were “respectful and courteous.” How bad is Trump to work for when even a surprise raid by government operatives is a more pleasant experience?

The Chicago White Sox attracted a crowd of 974 people for a game against the Tampa Bay Rays. It’s getting really sad when the promotions office is trying to figure out how to increase attendance into four figures.

The Chicago White Sox attracted a crowd of 974 people for a game against the Tampa Bay Rays. Unfortunately Guaranteed Rate Field can’t guarantee a rate of even a thousand fans showing up.

The Chicago White Sox attracted a crowd of 974 people for a game against the Tampa Bay Rays. The good news is that all the fans bought a hot dog and beer so the team still made $3 Million from the concession stands.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks to all for checking out the blog. I have been running this for around 15 years, and I am glad I still have all of you around to make it worthwhile. You make the difference between me making an effort to work at my craft and being a glutton for punishment. Feel free to pass the word about the site to all your friends and relatives. The more the merrier. And nothing makes me merrier than when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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