Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Greetings, Oh faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!




A report says Donald Trump is becoming increasing weary of his staff’s advice. Which may be a good idea considering their advice has contributed to his 36% approval rate.

A report says Donald Trump is becoming increasing weary of his staff’s advice. Mostly because they keep telling him to do the opposite of what he thinks is right.

Americans are spending more at the gas pump than they have in years. Mostly because oil executives are tired of not getting anywhere near the bonuses they were pulling in when they were sticking us with gasoline at $4 a gallon.

Americans are the world’s biggest TV watchers at more than four hours a day. It would be more except they need eight hours for social media, three hours for video games, two hours for work and the rest for some sleep.

Americans are the world’s biggest TV watchers at more than 4 hours a day. The worst part is spending 3 hours and 45 minutes looking for something good to watch.

LSD is reportedly making a comeback with some professionals dropping acid before work. Which finally explains some of the decisions coming out of the White House.

Donald Trump vows that farmers will be “better off” because of the trade fight with China. Especially when they can’t sell their crops and instead pave over their fields and become property developers where the real money is.

A report says Donald Trump has lost the confidence of investors. Especially the ones who were dumb enough to put their money in his casinos, clothing line and steaks.

Alaska Airlines finished in the top spot in the latest airline quality rankings. Which is like being chosen as the best sports team in Seattle.

Tammy Duckworth became the first U.S. Senator to give birth while in office. As opposed to just a few years ago when the only birth notices in the Senate were given out by expectant great grandfathers.

An aide to Vladimir Putin says Russia’s centuries-long romance with the west is over. The biggest problem being what Putin and Donald Trump will have to do now on date night.

An aide to Vladimir Putin says Russia’s centuries-long romance with the west is over. Mostly because when you rig an election with hackers your status changes from admirer to stalker.

Two Nigerian brides had to leave their weddings early to make it to their rescheduled year-end exams at school. The worst part was when they got to the vows and said A) I do, B) I don’t, C) Maybe and D) None of the above.

Donald Trump says his upcoming denuclearization meeting with North Korea will be “exciting.” Until he finds out it is really just an intervention to give Trump and Kim Jong-un a decent haircut.

The federal ethics office is asking for an investigation over concerns about EPA chief Scott Pruitt, including raises for his staff and travel expenses. The strange part is no one is concerned he is using the office to completely destroy the environment.

Pew says Twitter bots are rampant on news, porn and sports links. The problem is telling the difference between them and any Twitter users that are men.

A report says the Florida Senate race could be the most expensive ever. Not so much for the campaign itself but for all the money it takes to try to overturn all the votes cast for the other candidate.

The CBO says trillion dollar deficits will return by 2020 under the Trump tax plan. Which Democrats hope means when the deficits return in 2020, Trump won’t.

The CBO says trillion dollar deficits will return by 2020 under the Trump tax plan. Which just like with his businesses means Trump will just declare bankruptcy and stick it to the investors.

Nine West shoe stores are declaring bankruptcy. Which will turn their investors into just thousands of lost soles.

The Justice Department will allow Bayer’s $60 Billion acquisition of Monsanto. Apparently they are just going to let Bayer be the one to deal with all the headaches.

Mark Zuckerberg will tell lawmakers that Facebook made mistakes with “fake news.” Which won’t upset Congress because it was mostly fake news that helped them get elected again.

A report says cereal companies are returning to making products containing high amounts of sugar. Mostly because they know people want sugar in the morning and prefer to hold off on the fat and salt until dinner.

A girl with a 3D printed hand threw out the first pitch at a Giants game. The sad part is the company is making a lot more money using the technology selling foam fingers to all the fans.

A study says narcissists are not afraid to pursue partners who are already in relationships. Which explains why Donald Trump decided to run for President even though Hillary Clinton had already claimed it for herself.

A mysterious pot syndrome that features vomiting is reportedly relieved with hot showers. Apparently the victims were throwing up because they always smelled like puke, pot and pizza.

A Russian woman has died after being given a formaldehyde drip instead of one with saline. The good news is her family saved a lot of money by not having to get her embalmed.

A Russian woman has died after being given a formaldehyde drip instead of one with saline. The good news is all her relatives commented on how she looked so well preserved.

An ancient fossil finger bone found in Saudi Arabia could challenge the theory of modern migration. Especially since the thumb is enlarged indicating humans may have traveled out of Africa by hitchhiking.

An ancient fossil finger bone found in Saudi Arabia could challenge the theory of modern migration. As opposed to how people use their fingers to travel around Manhattan, mostly by showing their middle digit to everyone else.

A study says exercise could lower the chances of heart disease even for people more genetically at risk. Except for the ones who are genetically prone to sitting on the couch all day.

A study says reading to kids may boost their social skills. Although since the invention of the iPhone, iPad and video games parents are saying “What social skills?”

A study says reading to kids may boost their social skills. At least if the books are like mobile devices and are printed using only abbreviations and acronyms.

A study says stop smoking drugs Chantix and Zyban are no threat to heart health. Which would be ironic if they were because that would pretty much defeat the entire reason to quit smoking in the first place.

A South Dakota mom donated 14 gallons of breast milk to babies in need. When asked why she did it, she just said “Moo!”

Alex Rodriguez says he always picks up phone calls from Jennifer Lopez. Mostly out of habit as her call-back number is close to that of his old steroid dealer.

Russell Crowe’s gladiator armor sold for $96,000 at auction. It was bought by hotel workers who need it for protection when he starts throwing phones at them.

Mark McGwire says he could have hit 70 home runs without using PEDs. Although instead of in one year he meant for his entire career.

Mark McGwire says he could have hit 70 home runs without using PEDs. Well, then that was a pretty dumb call to ever start using them.

Mark McGwire says he could have hit 70 home runs without using PEDs. Coincidentally, without using PEDs he could have also been in the Hall of Fame.

Mark McGwire says he could have hit 70 home runs without using PEDs. It was just a lot easier running around the bases after only swinging the bat at half speed.

Mark McGwire says he could have hit 70 home runs without using PEDs. To which Barry Bonds says without PEDs he could be wearing a hat smaller than size 9 ¾.

Packer wide receiver Trevor Davis was arrested at LAX after making a bomb joke. The question is, when did he awaken from the coma he has obviously been in since 2001?

Packer wide receiver Trevor Davis was arrested at LAX after making a bomb joke. After which he said, “What, I can’t talk about running a rout for a long pass?”

The 83rd ranked women’s tennis player is suing the WTA for their blood testing procedure. Mostly because it’s pretty obvious if the player rated 83rd is using drugs, they aren’t helping her a whole lot.

Ray Lewis says the reason Odell Beckham, Jr. has chaos in his life is from “a lack of God.” As opposed to Lewis who was able to keep chaos out of his life with the help of a very good legal team.

The 76ers won their 14th game in a row. Which is pretty good for a team that only a couple of years ago would have considered 14 wins a pretty good season.

Donald Trump made a mistake when he tweeted congratulations to Patrick Reed for winning the Masters. The problem was he forgot who he was tweeting and accidentally declared war on North Korea.

Donald Trump made a mistake when he tweeted congratulations to Patrick Reed for winning the Masters. The reason for the tweet is because Trump is just glad someone on the PGA Tour has ratings almost as low as his.

TV ratings for the Masters were 14% up over last year. They could have been even higher if Tiger Woods’ score wasn’t also up 14% from the last time he won.

Donald Trumps attorney Michael Cohen’s office was raided in an investigation for bank fraud and campaign finance violations. Just what did Trump have to do to come up with the $130,000 payoff for Stormy Daniels?

Fleetwood Mac has fired long time guitarist and singer Lindsey Buckingham. People were shocked. Fleetwood Mac was still together?

Fleetwood Mac has fired long time guitarist and singer Lindsey Buckingham. At least they were good enough to let the 68 year old performer stay on to where his royalties are subsidized by Social Security and Medicare.

A report says John Bolton is taking over as National Security Adviser as tension is mounting abroad. Mostly from the fear of other countries about John Bolton taking over as National Security Adviser.

YouTube is being accused of illegally collecting information of children under 13. Although what information could they collect on a 13 year old other than they sit around watching YouTube all day?

Apple says it is now powered by 100% renewable energy worldwide. Which is right in line with how they get renewable cash every six months from everyone who has to buy the latest iPhone upgrade.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the entertainment world on the passing of Chuck McCann at age 83. He was a comedy staple on many shows in the 1960s and ‘70s, and was also the well-known voice of Sonny the Cuckoo Bird who went “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!” I also remember him for a low budgeted Saturday morning live action show called “Far Out Space Nuts” that he starred in along with another legendary performer, Bob Denver. I had to mention him as he gave me many memories and laughs going back several decades. He was one of those people who you could recognize instantly while maybe not being able to attach a name to the face. But he had a good, long career and anyone with a sense of humor and a TV set is a lot better off for it. Think of Chuck McCann today when you sit down to make sure you remember to always keep on sending the love!




No comments: