Sunday, April 01, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Pope Francis I says there is no Hell. But only because the Vatican has never set up a papal visit to Cleveland.

Pope Francis I says there is no Hell. Mostly just because he has never been asked to join the Trump Administration.

The Vatican is set to hold exorcist training courses after a “rise in possessions.” And that’s before the Yankees have even played the Red Sox yet this season.

The Army is considering tougher training for out of shape and undisciplined recruits. Young people are getting so fat that the Army may be forced to change their motto to “An Army of Two, maybe three.”

The Army is considering tougher training for out of shape and undisciplined recruits. Although some of the veterans like the idea of having fat rookies in combat situations they can hide behind for cover.

A report says more STDs are becoming drug resistant. Which is ironic as drug use is the reason most people end up in a position to get an STD in the first place.

A New York judge is being accused of breaking into a neighbor’s home and stealing underwear. His defense is it was work related and he was just compiling briefs.

Arnold Schwarzenegger underwent emergency heart surgery. Apparently his heart had deteriorated to the point where it was pumping like it was made of iron.

Donald Trump’s proposed border wall has been shortened in size by half to 1,000 miles. The way things are going, the finished product will be a white picket fence in a front yard in El Paso.

 The Chicago Blackhawks used a 36 year old accountant as an emergency goalie. Who better than a bookkeeper to protect a client’s net?

A study says 1 in 4 Americans never carry cash. Mostly because it’s hard to carry something you haven’t had since 2008.

A study says 1 in 4 Americans never carry cash. Especially anyone under 40 who the last time they saw cash was when it ended up under their pillow after losing a tooth.

Hawaii lawmakers have approved medical aid in dying for the terminally ill. Mostly for doctors who need a way to deal with patients who lost their health insurance.

Hawaii lawmakers have approved medical aid in dying for the terminally ill. Which is done through the shock of telling them their final days will be spent in Wyoming.

A rare Picasso self-portrait is expected to fetch $70 Million. Although the painting’s authenticity is being questioned as the eyes and nose are actually drawn on the face.

A report says Amazon workers start every day having to answer work-related questions on a computer screen. Which is different than the question they ask themselves every day, “Why can’t I get a better job than working at Amazon?”

A Facebook executive is distancing himself from a memo he wrote saying online growth “could cost lives.” Mostly the early death from becoming obese sitting in front of a computer screen posting on Facebook all day.

A Facebook executive is distancing himself from a memo he wrote saying online growth “could cost lives.” Especially for users who go through the stress of being humiliated, demeaned and shamed by all the trolls bullying them on Facebook.

LeBron James passed Michael Jordan’s record with 867 consecutive games scoring in double digits. Although no one has even come close to Wilt Chamberlain’s record of consecutive games scoring in triple digits. One.

Atlanta reportedly received warnings about the security of their computer system before being infected by ransomware. The worst part is the warnings came from several people claiming to be Nigerian princes.

Several companies released fake news stories on social media for April Fool’s Day, including Burger King which announced a Whopper made of chocolate. The sad part is, if they did have one it would be healthier than their regular Whopper.

Tesla says the driver involved in a fatal crash in California didn’t have his hands on the wheel. To which millions of drivers who spend their time texting while are saying “Hands go on the wheel?”

The EPA is set to loosen rules on auto mileage and pollution. At least until agency head Scott Pruitt can get a good selling price for his 1967 GTO.

Steve Wynn no longer owns any stock in Wynn Resorts. Mostly because since reports of a history of sexual harassment, no one has held any stock in Steve Wynn.

A study says workers’ productivity is hurt by loneliness. Especially the ones who have to do all the work of their former colleagues who were laid off in 2008.

The TSA may start screening passengers’ snacks at airports. Mostly because it makes agents hungry having to look at naked body scanner pictures all day.

The TSA may start screening passengers’ snacks at airports. That could spell trouble. Travellers say they can look in their luggage, screen their electronics, but there will be hell to pay when they start messing with their junk food.

Johns Hopkins says it will move forward with a study on the effects of alcohol that is being funded by the liquor industry. The university says the idea that the study will be affected by funding is just the beer talking.

Johns Hopkins says it will move forward with a study on the effects of alcohol that is being funded by the liquor industry. The question is why does it need to be funded when the research can be done for free at any fraternity during pledge week?

Arizona is considering a 45 day expiration date for eggs instead of the current 24. The new standards mean that the eggs are past due pretty much when there are a bunch of baby chicks walking around in the refrigerator.

Arizona is considering a 45 day expiration date for eggs instead of the current 24. If that becomes the industry standard it will be bad for Justin Bieber’s neighbors as he will have three weeks longer to keep the eggs he will be throwing at their homes.

Illinois is warning about synthetic pot that can make people bleed from their eyes, ears and nose. The good news is that it is a lot cheaper than getting the same effect from using too much cocaine.

A study says hockey team home wins can trigger heart attacks in younger men. Which is finally some good news for fans of the Columbus Blue Jackets.

A Florida woman mistook her pregnancy for bad Chinese food. She is now the proud mother of 5 pound, 18 inch boy Kung Pao Shrimp.

The CDC Director has pledged to bring the opioid epidemic “to its knees.” Which is not to be confused with the position opioid addicts use to beg for more painkillers.

Lindsay Lohan has lost a lawsuit against “Grand Theft Auto V” where she claims her image was used without her permission. Which evens out with all the people who were denied refunds after paying to see the film “I Know Who Killed Me.”

Baylor University paid former football coach Art Briles $15.1 Million and former president Kenneth Starr “4.5 Million in the wake of a sex scandal. Which gives students there the valuable lesson that sometimes crime pays pretty well.

The NBA has set a record for the number of three point baskets this year. Mostly because players are getting lazy and realizing they can stay behind the arc and get more points without having to dribble all the way to the hoop.

Golfer Michelle Wie has been suffering recent bouts of dizziness. Which may not be a coincidence that they started right after she decided to dye her hair blonde.

Tiger Woods says of his recovery from back problems, “I am a walking miracle.” Although everyone knows the real miracle is that Elin Nordegren never caught up to him that night when she was chasing him with a 9 iron.

Donald Trump says the Washington Post should register as a lobbyist because of work they do for Amazon. To which the Post says they will just as soon as Fox News registers as Donald Trump campaign consultants.

EPA head Scott Pruitt is in trouble over renting a house in Washington, D.C. for a bargain price from a lobbyist. Although he claims the deal just shows Ben Carson is doing some really great work over at Housing and Urban Development.

Donald Trump declared April as National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. He marked the occasion with a photo op since he was also named the program’s official poster child.

Donald Trump declared April as National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. The awkward part was when he had to ask if April was the name of one of his accusers.

Donald Trump declared April as Second Chance Month for people with criminal records. Which came as a professional courtesy for all his former White House employees who are looking for work.

A report says the office that vets political appointees is understaffed and plagued with an inexperienced staff and nepotism. Apparently someone must have forgotten to vet the vetters.

John Bolton says he will stop all political activities through his outside groups. Mostly because now that he will be National Security Adviser he can do all his political activities through his office.

The U.S. says it has the money to pay for 100 miles of the proposed 2,000 mile long border wall. Which doesn’t bother Donald Trump who points out the Chinese took 2,000 years to build their wall and it still isn’t finished.

Hillary Clinton was reportedly paid $7,000 less than Snooki to speak at Rutgers. The question for the parents of any students there being why was any of their tuition money ever used to pay Snooki?

Hillary Clinton was reportedly paid $7,000 less than Snooki to speak at Rutgers. Mostly because Snooki never lost an election to Donald Trump.

The Russian ambassador to the U.S. says relations between the two countries have never been worse. Which isn’t the smartest thing for him to be saying because isn’t that pretty much his job to make them better?

Hillary Clinton says people have never asked men who lost the presidency to stop touring. Especially Donald Trump who has been touring the country practically nonstop after getting fewer votes than Hillary.

A poll says most young Americans feel Donald Trump is racist, dishonest and mentally unfit for office. Which is no surprise since his supporters are mostly older Americans who are also racist, dishonest and mentally unfit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the Dodgers finally won their first game of the 2018 season with a 5-0 win over the much-hated Giants. It turns out their first two games were 1-0 losses coming on home runs by the same guy. There’s some real Dodger deja vu. I don’t want to bore you with Dodger news. You have already been bored enough reading all the jokes. I am just excited that baseball is back. It is definitely one of my favorite times of the year. The only way it ever gets better is when all of you take the time to always remember to keep on sending the love!



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