Friday, March 09, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A Florida teacher who was removed from her class after hosting a white supremacist podcast says it was “satire.” Apparently she thought it was tame compared to the satire coming out of the White House every day.

A McDonald’s in California flipped over its arches to make a “W” for Women’s Day. Or to bring in more people by thinking the W stood for “Wendy’s.”

A Minnesota lawmaker wants to ban “The Bachelor” star Arie Luyendyk, Jr. from the state for being a jerk on the show. Which is pretty harsh considering that is the same state that gave us Jesse Ventura.

A Minnesota lawmaker wants to ban “The Bachelor” star Arie Luyendyk, Jr. from the state for being a jerk on the show. The people there have to realize the last politician that made policy on reality shows is the same one now living in the White House.

A Marine Corps commandant says less than 30% of young men and women are qualified for the military. Which is sad to realize that in the 1960s there were way more people who were fit enough and they were all trying to find a way out.

27 pairs of human hands washed up on an island in Russia. Those were the 27 people dumb enough to say they were going to vote against Vladimir Putin.

27 pairs of human hands washed up on an island in Russia. They were victims of the ultimate Russian torture of making it so they can’t open a bottle of vodka.

Belgium says they will not change their mind about choosing a rapper who uses obscene and misogynistic lyrics to write a song for the World Cup. The U.S. can’t say anything after years of using Hank Williams, Jr. for Monday Night Football.

Belgium says they will stick with a rapper who uses obscene and misogynistic lyrics to write a song for the World Cup. The only issue is that anyone was surprised a rapper would write any other kind of lyrics.

Belgium says they will stick with a rapper who uses obscene and misogynistic lyrics to write a song for the World Cup. Which is upsetting in a country where the only previous controversy was over dipping French fries in mayonnaise.

Scientists are developing pigs to use for human transplants. How fat are we getting when the most genetically similar animals come from the hog family?

Scientists are developing pigs to use for human transplants. Which is along the same lines as all the Americans who every morning transplant bacon from pigs directly into their stomach.

An Alabama man has pleaded guilty to helping the Islamic State. He claims he mistakenly thought it was an “islandish state” and that it meant a free trip to Hawaii.

A false report says Ireland is preparing to take in one million Muslim immigrants. Who would actually be welcomed there because they wouldn’t be looking to drink anyone’s alcohol.

Cape Town, South Africa may avert the projected “Day Zero” water crisis. Which is no big deal for the people of L.A. who have been on the brink of Day Zero since 1947.

Bones on a Pacific island have been identified as likely those of Amelia Earhart. The really weird part is that her copilot’s remains have been identified as Jimmy Hoffa.

Bones on a Pacific island have been identified as likely those of Amelia Earhart. There was also a final message left saying “It was still better than flying United.”

A government audit of the DHS says their computer system has dozens of serious vulnerabilities prone to hackers. It’s just too bad they don’t have access to anyone who is supposed to have some expertise about national security.

Russian lawmaker Leonid Slutsky has apologized for previous sexual harassment. Apparently Slutsky is not only his name but also a pretty accurate description.

Former White House press secretary Jay Carney says the role is “unrecognizable” under Donald Trump. Which is ironic as the next appointee will be an actual carney.

A study says regular exercise keeps the body looking young. Mostly because it’s hard to not look older when only getting up from the Barcalounger to take a ride on the Rascal Scooter.

Hundreds of teachers in Kentucky protested proposed cuts in their retirement benefits. Are upset about only getting the benefits if they can figure out the math problem “If there is a 5% cut over 10 years, how much money is left?”

A New Hampshire Powerball winner has collected the $560 Million prize while fighting to stay anonymous. Which will be hard to do as they will be the only person in the state who will be able to afford their yearly heating bill.

A New Hampshire Powerball winner has collected the $560 Million prize while fighting to stay anonymous. Which is ironic in that New Hampshire is the place most likely on Earth to go to remain anonymous.

Cat & Jack skinny jeans sold at Target are being recalled for a laceration danger. If you are getting cut trying to put on a pair of skinny jeans, perhaps you might need to be looking more in the “relaxed fit” section.

A study says fake news on Twitter is 70% more likely to be retweeted. Especially ever since Donald Trump’s account has seen an increase to 32 Million followers.

United Airlines says it will train employees to work with customers who have intellectual disabilities. Otherwise known as United frequent flyers.

United Airlines says it will train employees to work with customers who have intellectual disabilities. The airline says it wants to make it easier on those passengers to cope with being randomly dragged off a plane.

U-Haul prices have been skyrocketing in Silicon Valley as the demand increases for people leaving the area. Not only that, but residents find it’s cheaper to rent a box truck to live in than try to make the monthly rent on an apartment.

The stock market has lifted U.S. household wealth to $98.7 Trillion. Which sounds good until you realize $98.6 Trillion of that is in the households of Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos.

Donald Trump met with video game makers on whether the games cause violence. Which they do, but still nowhere near as much as Donald Trump’s rally speeches.

Disneyland workers demonstrated at a Walt Disney Company meeting to demand a living wage. To which the company says if the dwarfs can live seven in a cottage and work in the mines all day, so can every other Disney employee.

Disneyland workers demonstrated at a Walt Disney Company meeting to demand a living wage. To which the company says they must be living in Fantasyland.

Harvard economists say the Donald Trump tax law will not pay for itself. And who knows better about not covering expenses than the people trying to pay off the tuition loans for a degree from Harvard. 

A study says the brain doesn’t produce new neurons after age 13. Which comes as no surprise who has ever tried dealing with a teenager.

A study says drinking problems are tied to a higher risk of early dementia. The good news is once you reach that point, you pretty much don’t need to drink anymore.

A study in France says drinking problems are tied to a higher risk of early dementia. Ironically, it found a drinking problem also is tied to a higher risk of being French.

Kris Jenner says Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott are “great parents.” Which loses a little credibility coming from the person who raised the Kardashian daughters.

Kris Jenner says Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott are “great parents.” It turns out they were really involved in picking out the best possible crew of nannies.

The creator of “The Sopranos” will bring a prequel movie to the movie screen. It goes way back in the family history to where they were still only falsettos.

23 year old Courtney Stodden is asking a divorce judge to deny her ex-husband spousal support. That’s the good part about marrying someone 34 year older in that he is almost ready to qualify for a monthly Social Security check.

The Kansas City Royals held an anti-porn seminar for players at spring training. The highly paid celebrity athletes agreed, saying they would rather spend their off time anyway with hookers, mistresses and escorts.

Peyton Manning sold his 31 Denver area Papa John’s pizza franchises before they were dropped as an NFL sponsor. Apparently he felt he could make more money selling off the gold mine of a string of pizzerias in a state that just legalized pot.

Donald Trump has agreed to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. It could amount to a standoff that will be lost by the one whose hair style falls apart first.

Donald Trump hailed “great progress” with North Korea. If nothing else, it was the first time the words “great” and “progress” were ever used about North Korea.

The Interior Department is spending $139,000 for new doors for Secretary Ryan Zinke’s office. Spending that much money on office renovations means they should change the name to the “Department of Interior Decorating.”

The Interior Department is spending $139,000 for new doors for Secretary Ryan Zinke’s office. They are replacing three sets of double doors, with the EPA recently installing a “cone of silence.” Is this the White House or an episode of “Get Smart”?

The Interior Department is spending $139,000 for new doors for Secretary Ryan Zinke’s office. Is it just me or did I completely miss the section of Home Depot where they stock the $139,000 office doors?

A report says Amazon could beat Apple to the $1 Trillion mark. What is more amazing is that Amazon is doing it with a total inventory valued at just over $73.

A study says fake news spreads farther and faster on social media. Which means that even after all his complaining, Donald Trump can beat CNN hands down.

Ford says it wants to get in on the drone business. Although they already are, if you ask anyone who has ever sat behind the wheel of a Ford and listened to the noise the engine makes from the moment you start it up.

A robot can solve a Rubik’s cube puzzle in .38 seconds. Which for most people trying to do the same thing would ask what to do with the other 15 hours, 59 minutes and 59.62 seconds of waking time they have left in the rest of the day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The weekend is here, just like it usually arrives right at the end of every Friday. Which is good for someone like me who likes to live on a routine. I am going to rest and relax after being worn out by last weekend’s testing in Karate where my daughter and I were promoted to 2nd degree black belt. Not bad for a guy who will be eligible for Social Security in another 16 days. Although anymore being a martial artist IS a form of social security. For right now I am replacing the kicks and punches with barbs and jabs that I deliver with my keyboard. I hope you all are able to find some relaxation time over the weekend before heading back to the rat race on Monday. Of course, my reward is always realized when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: